[00:00:02] Speaker A: Welcome to the Sensational Sex Podcast, where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week and take a small step. Soon enough you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media at Sensational Sex Podcast Share this episode, return next week, leave a review and thank you so much for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Hello beautiful people. Thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy for you to come along on this ride.
[00:00:57] Speaker A: And even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you and we are here to help you with that.
[00:01:05] Speaker B: As a sex coach, I hear a lot about dry spells and sexless relationships.
[00:01:11] Speaker A: So even when a couple has regular sex, let's say once a week, there still might be something missing in that relationship, which might be a deeper connection and a sense of sexiness between the couple.
[00:01:28] Speaker B: And then as we start to dig deeper, what we learn is it's not the sex act that these couples are really seeking. So maybe it's not actually the sex that you're craving. More than anything, both men and women want to be desired.
[00:01:44] Speaker A: In today's Sensational Sex podcast, you'll learn why sexual sparks just don't happen, especially if you've been with your partner for a few years.
[00:01:55] Speaker B: And at the end of this podcast, you'll then find out five ways to start craving each other, especially if you've been together for a long time.
[00:02:03] Speaker A: I like that word. Crave.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: Me too.
[00:02:06] Speaker A: Craving each other. Yeah, so. So when people think about fixing their sex life, they assume it means having sex. Or more often, or maybe bringing a sex toy into the mix, or maybe having a bigger, better orgasm.
[00:02:20] Speaker B: But here's the problem. If you were to increase your sexual frequency, use a toy, or have a bigger orgasm, it probably wouldn't make that big of a difference to your sexual.
[00:02:30] Speaker A: Satisfaction because you would still be missing what Dr. Ian Kerner calls the erotic thread. That is that connective tissue between your sexual encounters. I like to call this emotional intimacy. You can call it what you want, but it's doing the things that keep you connected as a couple. Between having sex and what you need.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: To pay attention to is when you have that emotional intimacy, that erotic thread that's already baked into your relationship, it makes it so much easier for women especially to pivot in and out of sex, meaning she doesn't need to scramble to reconnect to her body once sex is initiated.
[00:03:15] Speaker A: So what does scrambling, what does this scrambling look like? She feels like having intercourse is way too much time and effort that she's already maxed out. And adding sex to everything else in her busy life just really isn't worth it. And here's the important part, because generally speaking, there isn't anything in the sex for her. The sex that she's about to have is about making sure that her partner has an orgasm.
[00:03:40] Speaker B: I have several clients that live this every day. Working from home, parents with teens that never give them space, stressed out entrepreneurs with young children. They simply don't know how or sometimes even want to find a way to make the space for this emotional intimacy.
[00:03:57] Speaker A: That's a really good point. And this is where we need to make a clear distinction. It's not a time thing. It's a mindset shift. So you go from seeing sex as a chore or something that robs you to. To feeling like sex is adding a necessary component to your mental, your spiritual, and your emotional health. Sex is something that is nurturing you.
[00:04:21] Speaker B: So let's look at the exact same scenario with two different mindsets.
So let's pretend it's the middle of the week and all of the craziness that is normally happening is going on and your partner walks up and squeezes your butt or teases you or grabs or gropes or just pulls you towards them for a kiss.
[00:04:43] Speaker A: So if you feel like sex is a chore, your mind and body will automatically freeze. And I think we've all had that feeling of that freeze where we just don't know what to do. And then your mind starts to whirl and it's almost like your body's going into a fight or flight response to.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: This touch versus if you feel like sex is something that nurtures you, then you lean in, you savor that touch. You know that these flirtatious moments are sexual sparks, not invitations to have sex right now.
[00:05:15] Speaker A: In fact, research suggests that these moments of feeling desired are key to many people's sexual fantasies.
[00:05:25] Speaker B: A survey of 4,175American adults, Sexual Fantasies conducted by Dr. Justin Lehmiller found that 96% of women and 93% of men had fantasized about feeling desired before.
[00:05:41] Speaker A: It's a healthy sense of objectification, looking at your partner like they're a delicious meal that you want to consume. And on the other side of that feeling, your partner's hunger. I like that, like the, like just that, that consuming. It's pretty sexy.
[00:05:57] Speaker B: It is. And it feels good when you're in the right mindset for it. And so the sexual spark, it has both this physical and emotional element, and that helps to create a sense of excitement, attraction, and connection between partners. And this can be flirting, touch, eye contact, or even passionate kissing.
[00:06:18] Speaker A: So in that same survey, most women and men said this was something they found fantasized about often.
[00:06:25] Speaker B: And this is so much more than just knowing that your partner finds you to be attractive and desirable. This is about you being irresistible and your partner having this hunger for you.
[00:06:36] Speaker A: This brings a sense of urgency, of passion and connection that heightens your sexual intensity. So, Amy, although I agree with this in theory, I wonder how practical this is in our day, day to day relationships.
[00:06:52] Speaker B: This plays out in my relationship, and here's an example that just popped to mind. It, it makes me laugh. Sometimes I'll be just sitting, watching tv. I'm in my sweats, you know, maybe I haven't even showered in a day or so because I work from home, you know, whatever. And James will just peek around the doorway and he gets this grin on his face and he kind of waggles his eyebrows like that. And he just looks at me like he just wants to eat, eat me up.
And it makes me laugh and it makes me feel really good and desired and it makes me want to take a shower for that evening. So we're definitely of that mindset that sex does nurture not only our relationship, but ourselves.
When I'm stressed out, I have learned that the literal, best stress relief out there is a fun tumble in bed. I give James an A for seeing that. When I'm really stressed out, he'll even give me an all about you night where I get to lay back and be a pill pillow princess.
However, I think for many couples. Oh, go ahead.
[00:07:54] Speaker A: Like the pillow princess.
[00:07:56] Speaker B: Have you heard that term before? I, I heard that.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: No, this is the first time.
[00:08:00] Speaker B: Yeah, I, I heard that term maybe for the first time, like a year or two ago. And I was like, oh, I like that pillow princess. So I was like, well, who doesn't like to be a pillow princess? At least I know I do.
However, I think for couples or women who view sex as a chore, I can see how they would interpret that same look from their partners or husbands in a very, very different way.
[00:08:26] Speaker A: So again, it's not about the time, it's about the mindset, shift Right.
[00:08:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:31] Speaker A: And I feel like early on in a relationship, we tend to do much better with staying connected on that sexual level. And that's because there are fewer what Dr. Ian Kerner calls shared spheres of identity.
[00:08:44] Speaker B: So the longer our couple stays together, the more we experience this overlap. We aren't just lovers and friends. We're entangled financially as roommates, and we have many other aspects of ourselves that just aren't very sexy.
[00:08:59] Speaker A: Learned a long time ago that sexiness and responsibility are like oil and water. They just don't mix. So when you're thinking about the kids or the finances and then you got to compartmentalize and shift over into sexual, it's really difficult, for sure.
[00:09:13] Speaker B: A really good analogy that I heard many years ago, and I love, is that men's brains are like waffles. They have all these little compartments and it's easy for them to be in those compartments, whereas women's brains are like spaghetti. And so those thoughts are just all intertwined and it's very difficult for us to compartmentalize.
[00:09:32] Speaker A: Yeah. And I. So I really appreciate that we have these spheres of identity and they're all intertwined now. And so, you know, like, as we're having sex, I'm thinking about finances or I'm thinking about what's going on with the kids. Like they cannot be separated. And I feel like that's a big part of this puzzle.
So. Dr. Esther Perel, acclaimed psychotherapist, best selling author, and visionary voice behind the award winning podcast, Where Should we begin? Agrees.
[00:10:01] Speaker B: So Dr. Perel states, if you keep doing the things that you're comfortable with and that you enjoy and they're cozy and they are familiar, you. You strengthen the friendship dimension of the relationship, which is huge. But if you say, I don't want to just survive, I want to feel alive in my relationship, then you need to do something different than the familiar.
[00:10:22] Speaker A: And the cozy, Dr. Perel goes on to say. And that means new experiences that involve risk and active engagement with the unknown and the novel, curiosity and playfulness and all of that. And for some people, that's travel. For some people, that's getting into things together that they never did before. And for some people, it's what is the thing that you've always wanted to do and you never got to do.
[00:10:48] Speaker B: So they are all different things, but they all involve a meeting with yourself and with the other in a new context that reveals new things about yourself and about each other.
[00:11:01] Speaker A: So I really like Dr. Esther Perel. I've been a big fan of hers since she came out many, many years. And the One thing about Dr. Esther Perel is she doesn't really give any practical tools. Like, she gives these concepts that are amazing and, like, very thought provoking. And, you know, they're like, they're amazing. She's an amazing person, but I'm always missing the practical with her information.
[00:11:26] Speaker B: As I was reading through this quote, it actually reminded me a little bit of some of what comes up in Dr. Emily Nagoski's new book, Come together.
And what she talks about is how. And it's sort of along these lines where we have these different. She. It's called the emotional floor plan. So there's rooms, there's the lust room, there's the care room, there's the anger room. You know, there's all these different rooms. And for a lot of people, it's a challenge to get into the lust room. But her practical solution, and this is what you're talking about, her practical solution is aim for the room that's next to lust. And for some people, it might be care. For some people, it might be play.
You know, play would include things like travel or adventure or trying new things together. And if you can both meet in the room next to lust, then it's easier to open that door and slip into lust.
[00:12:25] Speaker A: Yeah, it's. I always think it's interesting. I've read so many books. There's so many from so many sexologists and, you know, trying to get people to understand how to make this connection from responsibility into being completely sexual and vulnerable. You know, like, I've read so many ideas, and they're all good, and I think you just have to find the one that works best for you. So, yeah, and there are so many other daily pressures that prevent us from cultivating sensuality. There's anxiety and stress. There's resentment and unresolved conflict. There's predictability, discomfort with talking about sex, a fear of being rejected, and distractions like social media.
[00:13:10] Speaker B: It's a good thing because we're going to dig into five practical ways that a couple can reignite sexual sparks right here. But first, you get to find out about an amazing product that will completely revolutionize your vulva health.
[00:13:22] Speaker A: So we'll take a one minute. Make happy sex memories with a new eve. Choose love moment.
[00:13:28] Speaker B: Getting the quality of your sex life back with a healthy vulva and happy vagina is only one click away.
[00:13:35] Speaker A: Are you a woman over 40 who finds sex uncomfortable?
[00:13:40] Speaker B: Then listen up, because we have the solution for you.
[00:13:43] Speaker A: When Dr. Renji Chang turned 55, many of her friends, co workers and neighbors had the same crazy thing happen to their marriages.
[00:13:55] Speaker B: And no one talked about it, but everyone talked about it.
[00:14:01] Speaker A: After 25 years of happy marriage, the husband goes on a business trip to Asia and never comes home.
[00:14:09] Speaker B: Their husbands all ran away with new girlfriends.
So much pain and heartbreak. Marriages and families were broken.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: And why did this happen?
[00:14:20] Speaker B: The easy answer is that men are.
[00:14:26] Speaker A: But Dr. Renji Chang, as a scientist and a gynecologist, did not think that was the whole answer. So she dug in deeper.
[00:14:35] Speaker B: She discovered that after menopause, 30% of women experience issues that made sex so painful that it became impossible. And she found that no more sex was the first domino and divorce was the last domino.
[00:14:51] Speaker A: Dr. Chang wanted to help save these marriages. So she invented nuleave. Nuleave is a natural remedy that works, using nutrients taken both orally, topically and vaginally to nourish your tissues, promoting collagen and elasticity and restoring your body's normal sexual functions.
[00:15:14] Speaker B: Nuve has custom formulations for dryness, painful sex, bacterial vaginosis, chronic UTIs, bladder prolapse, cytolytic vaginosis, vaginismus, aerobic vaginitis, and much more.
[00:15:32] Speaker A: If painful sex or other intimate health issues are affecting your relationship, Nueve offers a natural, effective solution.
[00:15:42] Speaker B: Order Nuave today and start your journey back to a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Your body deserves it.
[00:15:49] Speaker A: And here's even better news. Our affiliate link in the description will get you a 5% discount. Simply use the code SSP and remember.
[00:16:00] Speaker B: When you take care of your vulva, she will take good care of you. And we're back with our sex IQ question of the episode.
Is there an oral sex gap between men and women? Meaning do either men or women give more oral sex than their partner gives to them?
A yes, B no or C Depends.
[00:16:26] Speaker A: And the answer might surprise you because it's C depends. It's about equal until after the age of 30, when men give more oral sex.
[00:16:36] Speaker B: Yay.
One study of heterosexual Canadian college students found that a majority of both women, 59%, and men, 52%, reported giving oral sex during their most recent sexual encounter.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: So in the 18 to 19 and 20 to 24 year old groups, a majority of men, 51 to 55%, reported giving oral sex to women. But more women, 59 to 74%, reported giving oral sex to men.
[00:17:08] Speaker B: However, from age 30 and beyond, there's a reversal and men were consistently more likely to report giving oral sex to women than women were to report giving Oral sex to men.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: Speaking of gaps, let's discuss the orgasm gap, where heterosexual women have far fewer orgasms than men, but feel the pressure to orgasm with every single sexual encounter.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: One study showed that when heterosexual men have their first penis and vagina sexual encounter, a woman will orgasm. Are you ready for this? 7 to 8%. While a man will orgasm 70 to 80%.
[00:17:51] Speaker A: So let's break that down. Out of 100 men, 80 of them will orgasm. Out of 100 women, 8 will orgasm. That's a difference of 72 women not orgasming.
[00:18:06] Speaker B: Now, if we're to switch out partners, and this is two women having their first sexual encounter, her chances of orgasm increases to 30%.
[00:18:19] Speaker A: Yeah. So I think men really do do their best to please women, you know, and this is certainly not a slag against men. Like, there's a lot of moving parts to why only eight women out of a hundred are going to have an orgasm during her first sexual encounter with somebody. So we're not blaming the men, but I feel like a lot more could be done to educate men and women about how to bring that up. I guess that's why we're doing this podcast.
[00:18:48] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think these statistics are very telling.
And when you say them, when you share them, most people are like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. I think.
Matches along with their experience. But I think that most people are feeling like something's wrong with them when it's taking, you know, when they're struggling so hard to experience that orgasm. And so I also think that these two statistics, while shocking and while we absolutely need to work to change them, can be, at least in this time frame, reassuring.
[00:19:25] Speaker A: Yeah, I just can't believe it's 2025 and we're still here. But we're still here, I guess. And that's what it is. So, you know, that's why we have a job.
[00:19:34] Speaker B: That's why we have a job. So we're. We're working on changing it one, one person at a time, but always gonna be new people that are entering into the sexual part of their life and learning these lessons from the ground up.
[00:19:49] Speaker A: Yeah. So this is the part of the podcast where we put on our sexologist hats and give you concrete and practical tools to help your sexual situation.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: So how do you reignite this sexual spark? Here are our five practical ways.
[00:20:06] Speaker A: Number one, and this is something we talk about a lot on this podcast, and that is to take the focus off of orgasm and put it onto sensuality and pleasure.
[00:20:17] Speaker B: So when we think about fixing our sex lives, Many people believe that if you up the frequency, this is magically going to help and solve all of your sex challenges. But couples do not need to have sex three times a week.
[00:20:31] Speaker A: So I'm going to say something that will probably be incredibly uncomfortable, and it's going to get a lot of people's panties in a twist. And that is sex once a year that blows your socks off is far better than having mediocre sex three times a month.
[00:20:47] Speaker B: So focusing on the act of sex or its frequency can put a lot of pressure on you or your partner. And this often results in the opposite of what you want, which is anxiety, stress, and avoidance.
[00:21:01] Speaker A: Rather, couples need to take the focus off of giving each other an orgasm and direct it to nurturing their erotic threads, that emotional intimacy and building up the sensuality between them.
[00:21:15] Speaker B: And it's about making the times that you do have it passionate, meaningful, and full of mutual communication.
[00:21:22] Speaker A: That's right. So your goal is not doing something that's going to lead to orgasm and intercourse. Your goal is to create a fun couple connection. You can do things like Amy was saying earlier, you can flirt, you can sex, you can make out, and you can give each other massages that don't lead to intercourse.
[00:21:41] Speaker B: You're looking to create a sense of your partner feeling wanted without pressure or expectation. And this is going to create aliveness and romance in the relationship. And that is what often will spark desire.
[00:21:57] Speaker A: And something I'm really bad at and need to learn how to do do is to make sure to affirm and appreciate when my husband does do something to help make a fun couple connection. You know, like, I see that he's trying and he's doing, like. And I never acknowledge it. I gotta start doing that.
[00:22:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:16] Speaker A: Because he needs to have that appreciation from me.
[00:22:20] Speaker B: Absolutely. Well, and it's good that you see that. And over many years, you know, you're in different places and someone says, what is the biggest, you know, tip you can give for a happy marriage? And mine is always show appreciation. Often even, and especially in the littlest things, because, of course, it's positive reinforcement. And if you acknowledge that they've done something that you like and you say something about it, then they're also more likely to continue to do that more frequently.
[00:22:52] Speaker A: It's not just that. It's what we. We're going back to the start where it's. It's not about the time, it's about the mindset shift. So when you start paying attention to the good things that your partner's doing for you, you're starting to see the positive things in your relationship. So you're affirming your partner, but you're also affirming yourself that positive things happen here. Like you're trying to make a positive couple connection. Your partner's doing their best to make this happen. Right? So it's not the time, it's not the mindset shift.
[00:23:23] Speaker B: I think the other key piece of this, though, especially with a couple that is working on the mindset shift, is the partner can't be doing something again with the expectation of anything. Because if one person is feeling like, well, they're, they're being nice to me, they're flirting with me, they're, they're taking care of their kids, they're doing all this stuff so that we can have sex tonight.
[00:23:49] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:50] Speaker B: Well, that's pressure. And so it is doing these things, nurturing this connection without expectation.
[00:23:59] Speaker A: Good point.
[00:24:00] Speaker B: Number two.
Men want to be desired too. We are socialized to believe that the woman is the sexual object and that the man is the one who does the pursuing.
[00:24:14] Speaker A: Women are often surprised to learn how much their male partner wants to feel desired, pursued, and even sexually objectified.
[00:24:24] Speaker B: A core human need is acceptance. And within that, it's natural that everyone wants to feel desired by their partner. And let's be clear, there are other ways to show that you desire your male partner. Other than sex, though, sex is probably the number one way that they do feel desired. But flirtation is not a one way street. So let's talk about the gray sweatpants effect. This is up on TikTok and reels all the time. Imagine if you handed your partner a pair of gray sweatpants and then ogled him as he walked around the house. He'd feel like a million bucks.
[00:24:58] Speaker A: Something that I talk about in my workshops is to praise the penis. So I have a gay colleague and we were having lunch one day and he explained to me that a big part, part of gay sex is to praise the penis. And I was like, oh, that's nice. And he looked at me and he said, trina, I want you to go home and I want you to praise your husband's penis. And I'm like, are you kidding me? Like, no, I know. I've been married for how many years? No, I'm not, this is not going to happen. He's like, you know what? I'm going to call you tomorrow and I'm going to follow up and I'm going to see how this all went. So I went home that night and I was like, okay, what do I do? I'm not sure how to do this. Like, you know, I'm a sexologist, but I've never praised the penis. Right. So my husband just happened to be in the bedroom, and he just happened to be changing, and he turned around and. And he didn't have any clothes on. And I was like, well, this is my moment. This is the moment. So I kind of very unenthusiastically said, well, that's a nice package you have, honey. And he's like, really?
Really? You think I have a.
[00:26:04] Speaker B: Did he really?
[00:26:07] Speaker A: Do you really like this?
Wow. He's like. And I just thought, my goodness, that took, I don't know, three seconds. And I made him feel so wonderful, and it was effortless.
So I encourage every person to praise the penis because it's a fast and easy way to help your partner feel really good about themselves.
[00:26:34] Speaker B: I think that's a great tip, and it's interesting because I shouldn't speak for. For all women, but I know that I wouldn't want, you know, my genitalia to be on the receiving end of that. Like, that's. That wouldn't feel good to me. And so I think we don't want to provide that type of validation in that way, because that's not how we would want to receive validation. That said, if we flip that around, the reason that probably so many men say those types of things to women is because that's what they want to receive.
[00:27:05] Speaker A: So I think it's. It's a slam dunk. Yeah, that's just a slam dunk. And, you know, it's just a nice, easy way to make your partner feel good about themselves. And why wouldn't you want to do that? You know, and it's like, everybody wins. Everybody wins. When you praise the penis.
[00:27:19] Speaker B: Absolutely. Praise the penis.
[00:27:21] Speaker A: Praise the penis.
So number number three, it's about being consistent. So the more you can make erotic threads a daily habit, the easier it's going to be to move into the bedroom and become sexual. That's the irony there. So, unluckily, there are countless ways to keep the spark and desire alive between your sexual encounters.
[00:27:44] Speaker B: So here's a big notion that we need to let go of, and that's, you can't start something unless you can finish it. Meaning if you start kissing, it has to lead to sex, or if your partner touches you, it has to lead to sex.
[00:28:00] Speaker A: I like to think of it as simmering. So you're simmering the sexual anticipation. So instead of going straight for the boil, Intercourse and orgasm. You're teasing, you're simmering. And doing this doesn't have to take a lot of thought or time or energy. It's just about being consistent.
[00:28:19] Speaker B: Hello and goodbye rituals are very important for couples. So savor that kiss or the embrace so that they can simmer until the next time that they can be sexual. Try the 6 second kiss and the 20 second hug daily. These durations are long enough to trigger the release of oxytocin, according to Dr. John Gottman.
[00:28:40] Speaker A: So flirtation is also an important and fun way to keep this erotic spark alive. You can send a sexy photo or text to your partner during the day at so easy. And it takes no time, right? But it adds so much depth and dimension to your relationship.
[00:28:55] Speaker B: Simmering is also a great approach for couples that have mismatched libidos or a discrepancy in desire.
[00:29:04] Speaker A: Often when couples experience a desire discrepancy, touch becomes loaded. So any touch between partners ends up feeling like a question, like, are you available for sex? Or. Or an initiation like let's have sex.
[00:29:18] Speaker B: And so as a result, so many couples start to touch less because they fear that that touch is going to be misinterpreted or rejected.
[00:29:27] Speaker A: So with simmering, a couple agrees to have a lot of touch that does not lead to sex, like kissing in the kitchen or a lingering hug in the bathroom. You know, you name it. There's just so many ways that you can touch your part partner.
[00:29:41] Speaker B: And I call this non intentional touch. When couples keep it consistent, they're creating a positive sexual trigger and that will make it easier to transition into the bedroom.
[00:29:55] Speaker A: So number four on our list is to. I can't believe I'm saying this, Amy, but number four is to objectify each other. So let's discuss the fear, especially for men, that objectifying is. Is off limits, that he needs her consent first.
[00:30:12] Speaker B: Feeling desired, ravished, or like a sexual object can be very validating.
[00:30:19] Speaker A: So many years ago, a psychologist I admire posted about the importance of objectifying your spouse. And it took me many years to come around to agree with him. So in my 20s, people objectified me for my looks and I hated it because I wanted people to acknowledge me for my intelligence. The idea that I would allow objectification into my marriage pushed so many triggers in me. Yet the further I go into my marriage, the more I see how important it is for us as a couple.
[00:30:54] Speaker B: I was raised by a staunchly feminist mother, so just the word objectification, it makes me bristle at first as well. I think the Big difference here is the difference of being objectified by someone that you don't know or trust without your consent versus someone that, you know, loves you, knows your beautiful mind, knows how intelligent you are, knows the entire package, and also has your consent. So it's not being whistled at by construction workers. It's being. Being admired by your partner. And as we said earlier, feeling desired feels good if you're in the right mindset for it.
[00:31:33] Speaker A: Yeah, and it's that mindset shift of, you know, it's. You know, it took me many years to come around to that idea. So if you're bristling at this idea, I get it. And, you know, just let it sit in your head for a little bit. Like, think about the impact that could have on your relationship.
[00:31:51] Speaker B: There's a reel that I saw recently that I think also speaks a lot to this. And the challenge that a lot of male partners have here is so many men, you know, they're raised to respect women and to, you know, care for us and nurture us and, you know, just show how respectful that they can be. But what they find when you are in a trusting, positive sexual relationship, that women do want to be objectified, and I think it's hard for them because they've had to probably purposefully turn off that area of their brain and then learning to turn that back on, I think may also go against a lot of what they've been taught of what being a good man is.
[00:32:34] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a good point. Very good point. So, you know, we don't. We just assume that men don't have these difficulties, but they have a lot of. They also have many difficulties when it comes to expressing themselves sexually. So our fifth practical idea is it all has to start with a conversation. And we say this in almost every single podcast, that great sex can only happen with excellent communication.
[00:33:04] Speaker B: Don't be that person who starts creating sensuality and emotional intimacy without having a conversation first, because you're probably going to end up communicating the wrong message, and you're going to end up with a frustrated or confused partner who thought that you were initiating sex.
[00:33:20] Speaker A: So please let your partner know what you're doing before you do it.
[00:33:25] Speaker B: You can say something like, I really just want to increase our emotional intimacy, or I want to try doing things that will help us to remember that we're in a sexual relationship. This can and should be playful.
[00:33:39] Speaker A: Remember, it's the erotic thread, not necessarily the sex, that is the glue that's going to hold your relationship together through thick and thin.
[00:33:49] Speaker B: And when a couple has been sexual the next morning, they're typically happier and they find that life together holds more meaning. So share those feelings with each other so that you hold on to that connection and simmer until the next time that you have sex.
[00:34:06] Speaker A: So I'll say it one more time, you know, creating erotic threads, emotional intimacy, all those important things that connect you during, between the sexual encounters. We think it's this really big process where we have to, like, do all these things, but it's not. It's just being consistent and, you know, having an intention that you're going to be doing something to help your relationship. Because I promise you that when you create that erotic thread, that emotional connection in between the sexual encounters, both of you are going to be much more willing to go into the bedroom and your sexual encounters will be so much better. So that this is a, this is an investment that is going to reap you huge benefits.
[00:34:53] Speaker B: I, I love the concept of simmer because I think that that's where we should always try to keep our relationship. You know, it's just at this little simmer and that simmer is always going and it's low, It's a low simmer. But then when you're ready to turn it up, it's going to be much easier to turn it up from a simmer than it is from an ice cold pan.
[00:35:13] Speaker A: That's right.
So what did you learn in this podcast? We started off discussing dry spells and sexless relationships.
[00:35:22] Speaker B: When a couple has regular sex, say once a week, what they're often lacking is a sense of sexiness in the relationship.
[00:35:30] Speaker A: And then we dug a little deeper that it's not the act of sex that these couples are looking for. So maybe it's not the sex you're craving. More than anything, men and women want to be desired.
[00:35:43] Speaker B: And we talked about why sexual sparks don't just happen, especially if you've been with your partner for a while.
[00:35:50] Speaker A: We then discussed the five ways to start craving each other. Gosh, I love that word. And even, even if you've been together.
[00:35:58] Speaker B: A long time and it's not about the orgasm and men want to be.
[00:36:04] Speaker A: Desired too, it's about being consistent and objectifying each other and understanding if that's pushing your buttons right now and having the conversations that need to be had.
[00:36:16] Speaker B: That'S it for us.
[00:36:19] Speaker A: Until next time, stay sexy.
[00:36:23] Speaker B: Are you struggling with lack of desire, mismatched sex drives, pain, or peri or post menopausal shifts that affect your sex life? Are you craving more pleasure and passion in the bedroom, but you don't know where to start. At Suburban Intimacy, I offer a holistic blend of one to one coaching, educational workshops, online events, and curated by a sexologist. Intimacy Products Book a complimentary discovery
[email protected] and while you're there, download your five free tips for sexy scheduled sex. Want to spice things up? Save 15% off your first order at suburbanintimacyshop.com with the code podcast 15 is.
[00:37:10] Speaker A: Good Sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Go to trina reid.com and check out my award winning books, the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for my Success newsletter to get weekly freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
