[00:00:00] Speaker A: Did you know that the sexual choices that you make before, during, and after sex determines how you feel about the sex that you're currently having?
[00:00:09] Speaker B: Your sexual choices are behind the wheel and driving your sexual experience.
[00:00:16] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist.
[00:00:20] Speaker B: And I'm doctor Trina Reed. And we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:00:28] Speaker A: In this episode of the Sensational Sex podcast, you'll find out how taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgments gives you the power to change them. And this is your ticket to sexual freedom.
[00:00:41] Speaker B: And during our sex IQ segment, we had a very interesting discussion about Yoni massage.
[00:00:50] Speaker A: If you don't like the sex that you're currently having, we're going to share how you can make a different choices to get different sexual results.
[00:00:59] Speaker B: Make sure to listen to the sensational sex podcast where we give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:01:07] Speaker C: Welcome to the Sensational Sex podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate, and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do.
Amy Rowan and doctor Trina Reid have the answers, and all you have to do is join us each week.
Soon you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life.
Follow us on social media at sensationalsexpodcast. Share this episode, leave a review, and thank you for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:01:54] Speaker B: We are thrilled to partner with xens, who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:02:01] Speaker D: Why not try an aromatherapy massage at home? We'll tell you about XN's amazing selection of luxurious crystal massage oils halfway through our podcast.
[00:02:13] Speaker B: We love what Xenz is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
[00:02:20] Speaker D: Check them out at Accent.
[00:02:29] Speaker B: Hello, beautiful people. I'm doctor Trina Reid, and thank you for listening to the sensational sex podcast. We're so happy that you're joining us.
[00:02:38] Speaker A: I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that's perfect for you. And we're here to help you with that.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: Amy. October 1 is National Massage Day. You know, a massage has so many benefits.
[00:02:55] Speaker A: One of the immediate benefits of massage is a feeling of deep relaxation and calm. Massage prompts the release of endorphins, which are the brain chemicals and neurotransmitters, and those produce feelings of well being.
[00:03:08] Speaker B: And massage reduces the stress hormones such as adrenaline, cortisol, and nepinephrine. And learning how to do a couples massage is such an easy, easy and effective foreplay tool that you need to have in your sex toolbox.
[00:03:25] Speaker A: I'm so glad you're bringing this up because we're probably going to need a massage after listening to this segment.
[00:03:30] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness.
[00:03:31] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:32] Speaker B: So what we're talking about in this podcast is either going to be emancipating or really upsetting.
[00:03:40] Speaker A: You know what? Let's agree that this is going to be emancipating, because your sexual choice is definitely a sleeper topic. This is something that you've probably never even considered, and yet it's something that's behind the wheel and is driving your sexual experience. Here's the question. Do your sexual choices equate to how you feel about sex?
[00:04:02] Speaker B: Amy, this is such an important topic, and hopefully, after listening to this podcast, you can share this idea with the women in your life, because it can change the entire dynamic of your sex life. The choices that you're making before, during, during, and after sex are directly linked to your sexual mindset and your sexual self esteem.
[00:04:25] Speaker A: So, to help you make sense of identifying your sexual choices and what you can do, what we're going to do is work through the typical choices that women make when sex is initiated. Trina and I will then give you solutions by going through three ways that you can make new, healthy, sex affirming choices. At the end of this podcast, let's.
[00:04:46] Speaker B: Talk about what is a sexual choice.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: So, making a choice is a process of considering different options, weighing pros and cons, and deciding on one particular course of action.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: So an easy example is when your partner initiates sex, you weigh the pros and cons and decide whether you're going to have sex. Now, let's expand that to a single sexual encounter that is made up of a multitude of unconscious and conscious choices. Because you're making so many choices in such a short time frame, they're all jumbled together.
[00:05:24] Speaker A: So let's break this down. We're going to help you make sense of this. What I want you to do is listen to this typical sexual situation that a woman finds herself in and the choices that she tends to make.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: Identify one choice that you might be making based on this example, then take that sexual choice to the second half of this podcast, where we're going to discuss it and show you how to make different sexual choices. And FYI, you're not going to like this next part.
[00:05:55] Speaker A: Okay? So let's all take a deep breath, and here we go. Because women are socialized to be a passive player in her sexual experience. She lets her partner initiate sex, and this is a choice.
[00:06:09] Speaker B: And like many women, she resents that the sex was initiated at an inconvenient time, but feels trapped and can't say no. That's a choice.
[00:06:19] Speaker A: So this woman wants her partner to see that she has a lot going on. And this is a choice.
And that makes it difficult for her to get in the mood during sex.
[00:06:31] Speaker B: She only does what her partner wants to do, which is a choice, and never asks for more, which is another choice.
[00:06:41] Speaker A: And ironically, even though, like so many women, she doesn't like what her partner is doing, this is also a choice. There's a good chance that she will pretend to enjoy it. A choice. And fake an orgasm. Another choice just to get the sex over with quickly. A choice.
[00:07:03] Speaker B: When the sex is over, she's probably going to be unhappy about how it all went and believe it was a waste of her time. That's a choice.
[00:07:11] Speaker A: So each of these small choices can lead you down this giant rabbit hole of negative emotions.
And by making these same choices over and over again, women soon find themselves stuck in this predictable and very cliche not wanting it. Sex. Ruth.
[00:07:31] Speaker B: Okay, let's stop here for a second.
It's okay if you're feeling resistance to this idea that you're in control of your sexual experience. So many women go along with what their partner wants to do during sex that she doesn't believe she has a choice.
[00:07:48] Speaker A: It's also similar to resisting the idea that women hold the power in their sexual experience, because women are usually the gatekeepers of sex. And whoever is gatekeeping is in charge of when and how sex happens. And we're going to talk about that in another podcast.
[00:08:03] Speaker B: Understand, at the heart of so many fights around sex, it's about who is in control of the sex. And both men and women feel like they're the victim. Even though taking ownership of your choices is challenging, it's going to help so much to alleviate any couple tension you may be having around sex.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: And in our next podcast, number six, choosing you, we're going to talk about how you can go from being a passive player in your sex to an engaged and active partner. So I want to talk a little bit more about this idea of being the gatekeeper of sex. Do women really have a choice when.
[00:08:47] Speaker B: Sex is initiated and women have to make the decision whether she's going to or not going to? I think both partners feel like they're the victim in that situation. If it's a man and he gets rejected too much, that cumulative rejection takes its toll on his self esteem. If she says yes, she's going to feel a lot of internal resentment. So there's a lot of visceral emotions that are happening at the moment when a woman has to decide whether she's going to have sex or not. So, yes, I believe that she is the gatekeeper to whether this sex is going to happen.
[00:09:28] Speaker A: If you think in the typical relationship, most partners are not going to be forcing their partner to do something that they don't want to do. So if the woman says no, he's going to honor that. But if she's giving a reluctant yes, even though she's really not in the mood, even though she really doesn't want to do it, and kind of goes through this exact scenario that we just talked about where she didn't enjoy it, she sped it along, she was like, let's just get this over with. And you know that partner is feeling all of those things, too. Sure. Sure. He's getting sex. Yay. I would hope that, generally speaking, that's not the type of sex that that partner really wants to get, because they're not connecting. It's just sort of giving in and resentment building on both sides.
[00:10:14] Speaker B: If you're not happy with the sex you're having, and that includes your partner, it's time to take stock of the choices you're making during sex and taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgment. And this is going to give you power to change them. Making new sexual choices is your ticket to sexual freedom.
[00:10:37] Speaker A: Ooh, that sounds powerful. And what's important to really understand is having sex is so emotionally charged, and so knowing what sexual choices you're making is important because each choice creates a response pattern for how you react and interact with your partner. Partner.
[00:10:58] Speaker B: We're going to add to this. The brain's emotional centers never sleep and are constantly sending messages to the rational brain, which is the part of the brain that responds to situations with good judgment and an awareness of long term consequences. This means emotions are tied to every single sexual choice you make.
[00:11:22] Speaker A: You might be asking yourself, why is this important?
Well, they've done studies to show that women experience the emotion of memory exactly the same way she did when it first happened. So it could be ten years later. But if that memory resurfaces, she's going to experience the exact same emotions, meaning that when you make a sexual choice that you're not happy about, chances are you're going to be reliving this unhappy emotion over and over again.
[00:11:53] Speaker B: And I can relate to this. There were many times in my marriage when a sudden and intense anger came over me about something that happened in the past sometimes. It was 15 years ago, and my husband, he remembered the. Didn't have the emotions that were tied to that event, so he diminished and dismissed my anger. He even said a few times that I was being irrational, which I think we can all appreciate even more. Angry.
[00:12:27] Speaker A: Yeah, that's the absolute worst. You're crazy. You're irrational. Let's put it in a positive perspective. Right? So it's the same thing if you have a happy memory.
You know, let's go back to eating apple pie in your grandmother's kitchen or something like that, right? You know, when you really flash back into that memory, maybe you smell some apple pie, you flash right back into your grandmother's kitchen, and you immediately get that same warmth and feeling of comfort and happiness and joy, and that just bubbles right back up, even though that was 30 years ago. And so this is the same type of thing that can also happen in a negative way.
[00:13:05] Speaker B: So, Amy, I think it's time that we take a breather.
[00:13:08] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:13:09] Speaker B: And in honor of massage day, we have a provocative sex IQ. We'll be right back with aromatherapy massage preparation is key, so make sure to have Xn's massage oils at hand so the application is seamless, making for a relaxed and comfortable experience.
[00:13:33] Speaker D: Xen's amethyst sweet almond or carnelian apricot crystal massage oil are light, absorbent and delicately scented, perfect for a relaxing, stress relieving sensual massage.
[00:13:46] Speaker B: Amethyst sweet almond has soft accents of vanilla, vanilla, and dusty rose.
[00:13:52] Speaker D: Carnelian apricot has soft accents of white grape, black currant, iris, and violets. Both are 100% natural with no artificial fragrances.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: And if that wasn't enough, XN's massage oils are good for you. They're certified organic, and it comes in a convenient spill proof bottle.
[00:14:15] Speaker D: Go right this second before you get distracted. And enter at xcens dash usa.com. that's ex sens dash usa.com. and use the promo code sensational for 20% discount.
[00:14:31] Speaker B: Go right now and make a space for sexuality by giving your partner sensuality with the Xenz aromatherapy massage oils.
[00:14:41] Speaker A: And now back to the show.
So here is our sex Iq question of the day. Is there a such thing as a vaginal massage?
True or false?
[00:14:55] Speaker B: The answer is true. It's called a YanNi massage. Now, Yanni in Sanskrit is the word for vagina and means a sacred space. The idea of the massage is to release physical and emotional blockages and free sexual energy to enable the recipient to become more in tune with her body.
[00:15:20] Speaker A: That sounds quite powerful. And some women do experience an orgasm, but that's not the goal. This is about releasing the muscles. An essential massage, like a Yoni massage, is about awakening the body and seeing what's there to enable your pleasure. I mean, let's be honest, men have had this happy ending massage for years, so why not women, too?
[00:15:40] Speaker B: Just don't think of women as having happy ending massages. Like, there's just a lot of shame around women having that experience. Like walking into a massage parlor and having that.
[00:15:51] Speaker A: I think what I love about this, and I haven't had one yet, but I think after this, I might have to go see if I can, what's involved in getting a Yoni massage. I might have to download some information and teach my husband about that. What I imagine could be very powerful about this experience is a lot of people feel shame or discomfort about the way they look or about their vulva, about their yoni. You know, they haven't looked at it. You know, they're afraid of smell or the shape or the size or something is sticking out or in. And I can imagine that this is really, really empowering, the worship and just increasing body confidence and then really just kind of awakening everything again without the goal of the orgasm. But if it comes, it comes. Pun kind of intended there. One of my speakers in my first summit, my unlock your sexual pleasure summit, she had a Yoni massage, and she said it was just really transforming, and it was something that she and her husband at the time did. He laid his hands on her yoni and just, you know, breathed through and just really breathed all of this energy through it. And she said it just awakened something inside of her that she'd never, ever felt before. And I was immediately intrigued by that. So it's. I love this idea, and I want to something I absolutely need to explore more.
[00:17:19] Speaker B: Yeah, I think this needs to be on our bucket list. And if anybody listening has had a yawny massage and wants to share it with us, please.
[00:17:26] Speaker A: Yeah, right.
[00:17:27] Speaker B: Email us.
[00:17:28] Speaker A: Email us.
[00:17:29] Speaker B: Let us know.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: Sensational podcast. Gmail. Yes, send us and let us know more about it.
[00:17:34] Speaker B: So, Amy, this is part of the podcast where we put on our sixologist hats and give you concrete and practical tools to help with your sexual situation.
[00:17:44] Speaker A: So as we were talking about the typical sexual choices through that experience, if you felt some pushback to the things that we were saying, I want you to really be aware of that right now, because any pushback that you may have about taking responsibility for the sexual situation that you've created is important to note. And there is also zero shame or blame. There are millions of couples in the same sexual predicament that you're in.
[00:18:15] Speaker B: Don't be overwhelmed or intimidated. Making new, healthy sexual choices is straightforward. And the first thing you need to do is believe that you are not stuck.
[00:18:27] Speaker A: You have options, and too many women believe that they are stuck. You are not stuck. You're just committed to certain patterns of behavior because they've helped you in the past, and now those behaviors have become more harmful than helpful. And you can't move forward because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life. And so once you change that formula, you're going to get a different result.
[00:18:56] Speaker B: That's right. If you don't like the sex, you're currently having time to take stock of the choices you're making before, during, and after sex and how that is impacting how you feel about sex.
[00:19:10] Speaker A: So let's use the example that we talked about earlier. Like many women, this woman presents that sex was initiated at an inconvenient time, but she feels trapped and she feels like she can't say no. This is a choice. Now, if a woman feels trapped, what new choice can she make to feel empowered?
[00:19:32] Speaker B: Let's untangle this. First of all, understand what drives the yes or no choice. So do you say yes because you don't want to start a fight, or do you feel guilty because it's been a few weeks and you need to get sex off your to do list? Or does saying no mean your partner will withhold their love and affection and act cold towards you for the next few days?
[00:19:58] Speaker A: So here's where it's important to get some perspective.
This is challenging, but we need to take the emotions out of this and really look at it from a 10,000 foot view.
Or another way to look at this is through your partner's perspective.
So let's go with the assumption that you don't want to start another fight over sex. But if you are choosing to have sex, it's probably going to create resentment that you're doing this against your will.
[00:20:25] Speaker B: You have to be okay with compromises, so you don't want sex in this very moment. The yes or no options for sex both carry a lot of negative fallout.
And happy relationships are based on compromise. So how can you meet your partner halfway? So perhaps this is an opportunity for you to use your responsive desire, which is putting your body into the motions of sex, to wake up your sexual desire and arousal.
[00:20:57] Speaker A: So I want to share a little story. Can I share a story, Trina?
[00:21:02] Speaker B: We love your stories. Amy.
[00:21:05] Speaker A: Just talking about this moment, this yes or no moment flashes me back into a time. And certainly there's been more than just this one time, but I remember very clearly this one particular time. My children were very, very small. I was exhausted, crawled into the bed. At the end of the day, my husband reaches over, started kind of doing the rub the leg thing that I knew. I was like, I know what that means. Yep. Right? They all have their little signals, right? We know what they want. And in that moment, my brain, my body, my everything was like, no. Tired. I'm exhausted. People have been touching me all day. I was probably still breastfeeding at the time. I don't even know, but everything in me said no.
But my compromise, the choice that I made instead of saying no was I turned and I looked at him, and I said, motivate me.
[00:21:55] Speaker B: So great. Such a great line. It's awesome.
[00:22:00] Speaker A: Yes. And what my husband knew in that moment was that he had to help to wake up my mind and body. And at this point, I didn't know anything about responsive desire. I didn't know all of these terms, these things that we know now. But I. What I was saying was, I'm not feeling anything right now, but if you can wake up my responsive desire, if you can start doing some different things to me that will help me wake up, help my body get into the mood, then I know that my desire will show up.
And that really became kind of a code that has continued throughout our marriage since then, is there's times that he's initiating, and I just say, well, motivate me. And I can say unequivocally, and this is for me. So if this is not you, that's also okay. But there has never been a time that I've asked my husband to motivate me. And within, I don't know, five, maybe ten minutes of just different types of kissing, touching, licking, maybe whatever happens there that no has turned into an absolute 100% yes.
[00:23:07] Speaker B: So your compromise was to ask for something that you wanted.
[00:23:11] Speaker A: Yeah, it was to ask for something that I wanted. Right. And when you. When you break it down like that, it seems so simple. But in that moment, it did feel like a very weighted choice, because it's hard to ask for what you want. But I said, look, if you want to do this, then you're gonna. You have to put in some work there, buddy. And thankfully, my husband is always game for that.
[00:23:35] Speaker B: Luckily, he was very motivated.
[00:23:37] Speaker A: Yes, yes. Here. What you can easily see is that when you make a new choice and you offer a compromise, if your partner wants sex now, they need to motivate and help you get in the mood for sex. And so you ask your partner to give you a massage to relax you. You ask for whatever it is that you are wanting in that moment. And if you don't know, sometimes you don't know what you want in that moment. But just asking for touch, physical affection, something like that, motivate me.
[00:24:10] Speaker B: This is just so awesome that you're shifting the perspective from, it's something I have to do to something that I will eventually want to do. And that's amazing. To make a new choice, we often need to take a deep breath and as best you can, engage your senses and focus on having fun. Look for what feels good. And when you focus on what's going right with your sex, it's easier to make healthier and better sexual choices.
[00:24:41] Speaker A: The other thing that's important is the self awareness of the choice that you're making. If you decide to make that same old choice, instead of tuning out or becoming upset, just be present and aware of the fact that you're making that old choice again.
You don't need to look at that with judgment. Don't beat yourself up for that. But just being aware that what I'm doing now is making a choice versus something that you have to do, there's some power in that. So just be present with that.
[00:25:16] Speaker B: When you caught non that you've made the same choice that you've always made before, that's worth a celebration. You should be giving your partner a high five. You should be so happy that you figured it out and now you know that you can make a different choice and the options are open and available to you.
[00:25:37] Speaker A: Yes, it's the awareness, because that's the first step. Because when you feel stuck, you're just repeating the same cycle over and over and over again and you don't know how to get out of it. And so then when you can identify, oh, this is the choice that I'm making, and I'm going to make the same choice today. But now you know where you can change things. And I agree that is something to absolutely be celebrated because that is the first step towards changing things.
[00:26:05] Speaker B: Amy, to recap what we've just talked about, when you're making healthy sexual choices, first of all, believe that you are not stuck. You do have options.
[00:26:19] Speaker A: Get perspective and be okay with compromise. Be present when you make an old choice, and then take a deep breath and make a new choice.
[00:26:31] Speaker B: In our next podcast, we'll be talking about what choosing you looks like and how it will completely turn your sexual experience around.
[00:26:42] Speaker A: That's it for us. Stay sexy on next week's episode of the Sensational Sex podcast.
[00:26:48] Speaker B: If you want to experience toe curling sex, it means you have to choose you.
[00:26:56] Speaker A: Even though women are expected to come first, her sexual needs, desires, and wants still come a distant second.
[00:27:05] Speaker B: In this episode of the Sensational Sex podcast, you'll find out why choosing you and putting your sexual needs first is the most unselfish thing you can do for your sex life.
[00:27:20] Speaker A: We'll share why choosing you helps with your overall sexual happiness, self confidence, and self esteem.
[00:27:27] Speaker B: We'll then give five practical ideas for you to start choosing you and putting your sexual needs first that you can use today.
[00:27:37] Speaker A: Are you ready to experience more passion and more pleasure? In my suburban intimacy practice, I offer one on one sex intimacy coaching for women and couples. Book a complimentary discovery.
[email protected] or learn more about my intimacy ignite program. Your solution to experiencing satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences and connection even when you're busy, tired, and stressed. Intimacy ignite is a curated collection of stimulating sex education activities and challenges, whether you are single or in a relationship. Plus, live coaching with me. Save $10 off your first month with.
[00:28:16] Speaker B: The code podcast is more fulfilling.
[00:28:19] Speaker C: Sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Then go to trinaread.com to get your free copy of the Sex Bootcamp Masterclass.
While you're there, check out my award winning fiction book, the Sex course, that went to number one in its Amazon category three days after launch. Both the sex course and sex bootcamp workbook are available in audiobook. If you want to hang with groovy, like minded, sex positive women, then join my online courses and the success community.
It's your time to create the sex life of your dreams. It all
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