Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: It is impossible to have a satisfying sex life with a lifetime of unresolved guilt and shame anchoring you down.
[00:00:09] Speaker B: This is definitely one of those topics that you don't know what you don't know and you don't know how much better your sex can be until you get rid of the shame.
[00:00:20] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reid.
[00:00:22] Speaker B: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist and we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:00:30] Speaker A: In this Sensational Sex Podcast episode, we're rolling up our sleeves and giving you a concrete and easy six step shame smashing formula.
[00:00:42] Speaker B: We're using an example from one of my sex coaching clients when she uncovered a shameful memory from a past boyfriend who told her that her areolas were too big and now she doesn't like her husband to look at her.
[00:00:57] Speaker A: So as we walk you through the steps, you are going to see how tackling your sexual shame is easy and straightforward.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Make sure you listen because this podcast will give you the tools to create a sex life that's fulfilling for you.
[00:01:14] Speaker A: We are thrilled to partner with X Ends who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:01:22] Speaker B: X Ends has an amazing and luxurious cooling, arousing gel that is perfect for those motivate me moments that we'll tell you about halfway through this podcast.
[00:01:32] Speaker A: We love what Extends is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
[00:01:38] Speaker B: Check them out at extends-usa.com that's ex s e n s usa.com welcome to.
[00:01:49] Speaker A: The Sensational Sex Podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do.
Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week.
Soon you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life.
Follow us on social media at SensationalSex podcast. Share this episode, leave a review and thank you for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
Beautiful people. I'm Dr. Trina Reed and thank you so much for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy you're joining us today.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that's perfect for you and we're here to help you with that.
[00:02:54] Speaker A: So we've done two podcasts on the very unsexy but very necessary topic of sexual shame and on today's podcast we're going to roll up our sleeves and we're going to give you a concrete formula to easily and effectively get rid of your sexual shame.
[00:03:14] Speaker B: We get that wading through your shame and guilt is not a priority yet. This is important because it's impossible to create the sex life that you want with a lifetime of unresolved guilt and shame anchoring you down. So we're going to walk you through the shame Smashing formula at the end of this podcast.
[00:03:35] Speaker A: Yeah, this is definitely one of those things that you don't know that you don't know. You, dear listener, don't know how much better your sex life can be until you get rid of the shame.
[00:03:47] Speaker B: Shame stops healthy, vibrant women like you from fully expressing her sexuality. And it's a big reason why women lose interest in sex.
[00:03:58] Speaker A: And that's because sexual shame short circuits your sexual experience by keeping you insecure and silent.
[00:04:06] Speaker B: If you haven't already listened to the two episodes on Micro Shames and Big Shames, you definitely want to listen to those before you dive into this one with us. I like to think of these three episodes as the trifecta to finally kicking shame to the curb, but you need all three to make it happen.
[00:04:25] Speaker A: So just a really quick recap. Big Sexual shame is feeling wrong or bad about your sex feelings or desires. You believe there's something wrong with you and you fear your partner is going to reject you, so you keep it a secret.
[00:04:44] Speaker B: The root of shame centers on not feeling worthy enough to have a healthy sexual connection.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: So we also discussed how society dictates to women every single day that she cannot like sex too much or too little, that she needs to like sex just the right amount. But how much is the right amount?
[00:05:06] Speaker B: Then in the Micro Shames episode, we discussed how micro shames are tiny and they go unnoticed, but their cumulative effect can be absolutely devastating to your sexual self confidence.
[00:05:18] Speaker A: And because Micro shames are tiny and easy to disregard, their power lies in keeping you silent and looping you in insecurity.
[00:05:29] Speaker B: Even though the shame smashing formula that we're about to share with you is very straightforward, catching yourself in the middle of a sexual shame is not.
[00:05:38] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's because you've lived with a low level of shame for your entire life, and you may not know what it's like to live without shame, Paradoxically.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: You'Ve grown attached to these shameful feelings, and detaching from them is going to leave a hole. And so you find yourself resisting letting go of them.
[00:05:59] Speaker A: So as you will see, each step of the Shame Smashing formula is really easy, but the first time you try it, it's going to take you some time. It's going to take a lot of awareness and it's going to take some effort.
[00:06:13] Speaker B: And consistency is key. So you need to go through this formula every time a new shame pops up.
Let's go through the six steps.
[00:06:24] Speaker A: Okay. The first step in the Shame Smashing formula is identify your negative memories.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: Step two is name your shame.
[00:06:36] Speaker A: Step number three is detach and forgive.
[00:06:40] Speaker B: Step four is share your shame.
[00:06:44] Speaker A: Step number five is celebrate what you've done.
[00:06:48] Speaker B: And step six is repeat this.
[00:06:51] Speaker A: Yeah, so I think. I don't know, Amy. I think this is pretty straightforward. Like, you, you know, like once you understand what to do and how to do it, I think taking your shame through this process is easy. Mind you, I wrote it, so of course I think it's easy.
[00:07:08] Speaker B: Well, as someone who did not write this formula, but has obviously learned it through working with you and recording this podcast, I like how it's short, it's simple, and really, it's very easily repeatable. It's just understanding what those steps are. And, you know, I think really the key to this obviously, is awareness of shame, which, of course, is what we've talked about. Once you're aware of that and once you can spot this, then I think it makes it pretty easy to go through these steps.
[00:07:39] Speaker A: So I just want to do a quote by Jeanette Walls, who wrote about shame. And I think the reason we don't put ourselves. We. We can't put ourselves through this Shame Smashing formula is Jeanette Walls really encapsulates it. She says secrets are like vampires. They suck the life out of you, but they can only survive in the darkness. Once they're exposed to the light, there's a moment of horror, of recognition, but then, poof, they lose their power over you.
[00:08:11] Speaker B: I love this quote, and I think this speaks to some of the things we've spoken about before. Because if you think about it, think about any secret that has come to light in the media, right? So often people have these secrets, somebody's blackmailing somebody, and then ultimately what that person chooses to do is they say, I'm going to reveal this secret. And now you or this blackmail or whatever it is has no more power over me. And when secrets are hidden deep in the darkness, then that is where this shame and this guilt can thrive. And so I love this quote because it's just saying the best way to overcome shame and guilt is to bring these secrets to light. And I think that involves, along with the shame smashing formula, it's bringing it to light in your own mind, and then it's also verbalizing it and saying it aloud to somebody else, and whether that's your partner or a therapist or a best friend, but as long as you're bringing it to light to somebody who is going to love you and be supportive of you in that moment, then, poof, it's just going to disappear.
[00:09:20] Speaker A: The whole point of this podcast is to give everybody listening permission to say it's okay to bring out your shameful thoughts. And in fact, you know, in the sensational sex podcast community, we're a safe space for you to share your shameful thoughts. And I always find that when somebody is brave enough to share their shameful thought, it's like a. A domino effect where other women are like, oh, my gosh, I feel that too. And not only that, but I also feel this way. And suddenly we're opening up. And, you know, I think that's where the power lies in, is when you are able, when you feel safe to explain what's going on with you, and other people are saying, you know what? I get it. And it's not that bad.
[00:10:08] Speaker B: Yeah, I agree. I think that.
I think that everyone has this idea in their mind of the sex that everyone else is having, right? They're having more sex, they're having better sex, they're having longer sex, they're having more pleasurable sex, they're having kinkier sex, they're having all of these different things. And then looking at your own desires, your own sex life, your own wants, you know, or maybe you were raised thinking that, you know, sex should always just be vanilla missionary. You know, 1, 2, 3, roll over and go to bed, and you want to be tied up in some handcuffs or something like that. And that's bringing you a lot of shame because only weird, freaky people do that, right? And once you bring this to light, once you are able to speak about it and recognize that there's such a beautiful wide variety of sexual expression between consenting adults, and as long as everyone's participating in an enthusiastic consent way, then the door is wide open and there's a lot of fun to be had.
[00:11:14] Speaker A: And the other thing I find interesting is when a couple. When one person from a couple says, you know, I really want to try sm, but I'm too afraid to tell my partner, and I'm too ashamed to admit that I'm into this stuff, and it turns out all along that their partner wants to try it, too. And both of them are just too scared and ashamed to admit this to the other partner. And then, you know, somebody says, I'm into this, they're like, holy smokes. You know, like, we've spent how many years denying this because we've been so ashamed to admit it to each other when we're actually both into it? Anyways, I think, Amy, it's time to take a sponsorship break.
[00:11:51] Speaker B: We'll take a one minute. Make happy sex memories with an extends motivate me moment.
[00:11:57] Speaker A: Because the best couple moments are when you're looking at each other with knowing smiles over your morning coffee.
[00:12:05] Speaker B: What happens when you're not in the mood for sex and your partner is.
[00:12:09] Speaker A: Giving you the look instead of feeling pounced upon and not into it? You need to have a contingency plan. So initiation rituals will help to wake your body up in its arousal. And the best part is it only takes a minute.
[00:12:27] Speaker B: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist from the Sensational Sex podcast.
[00:12:32] Speaker A: And I'm Dr. Trina Reid. And a big thank you to X Ends for bringing you these sensual arousal tips.
[00:12:40] Speaker B: Has there ever been a time in your relationship when your partner was giving you that look? You know the one. Or maybe they were rubbing your leg or nuzzling your neck and you knew what was on their mind, but it was the last thing on yours.
[00:12:55] Speaker A: Well, Amy, I've been married for 22 years, so what do you think?
[00:13:00] Speaker B: Exactly? We have all been there, and sometimes we just need a little motivation to get from eh to yeah. And that's where you need to grab the Xcenz cooling arousal gel from your bedside table to give you a cooling zap of arousal.
[00:13:17] Speaker A: Now, you might be asking if arousal gel actually works, and I'm an academic, so I want to know if it actually works, too. So in one study, which included 500 sexually active heterosexual women between the eight.
[00:13:31] Speaker B: Ages of 18 and 59, 79% of respondents noted that the arousal product met or exceeded expectations. 78% of respondents reported increased sensitivity in their genital area. And of these, over 90% believed that the gel made their intimate experience even better.
[00:13:54] Speaker A: And most agreed that the gel enhanced arousal, orgasmic intensity, pleasure and satisfaction during their sexual activity.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: The best part? It's super easy to use. Apply a small drop to your clitoris, penis, nipples, or anywhere that cooling is desired to discover intense and explosive sensations.
[00:14:20] Speaker A: And here's my pro tip. Cooling arousal gels are super strong, so just use one little drop to start. You can always add more. And the the best Thing is, there are up to 100 applications per bottle.
[00:14:35] Speaker B: This is best to apply yourself because partners can sometimes get carried away in the heat of the moment and they might think it's a lubricant. So keep this on your side of the bedside table.
[00:14:46] Speaker A: So there are three body safe and flavored arousal gels to choose from. There's Raspberry mint hot vanilla espresso and the award winning ginger litchi.
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[00:15:07] Speaker A: That's amazing. So. And it gets even better. So go right this second before something in your busy life gets you distracted. To the X ends website, that's xns-usa.com and use the coupon code sensational and you will get 20% off.
[00:15:25] Speaker B: Are you curious to see what a cooling sensation can do for your sensual and sexual satisfaction? Of course you are.
[00:15:33] Speaker A: So make sure to have this discreet bottle of XN's arousal gel in your bedside table and find out how it changes your sexual experience. Okay, Amy, we're back and we're going to talk about something that brings up a ton of sexual shame for people and that is paying for sex.
[00:15:54] Speaker B: Here's our sex IQ question of the day. What age group of women are most likely to pay for sex? Is it A, under 30, B, 30 to 44, or C, 45 plus?
[00:16:10] Speaker A: So the answer is B. The average age is between 30 and 44. So 2016 YouGov national survey of 1,000American adults aged 18 plus were asked, have you ever paid someone else for sex? Men said yes at 12% compared to 1% of women, people under the age.
[00:16:34] Speaker B: Of 30 were the least likely to have purchased sex. Just 1% had done so. By contrast, 11% of the 30 to 44 age group and 7% of the 45 plus age group had done so.
[00:16:49] Speaker A: Yeah, I think it's really interesting that the people who are paying for sex are between the ages of 30 and 44. You know, maybe it's because of their sexual circumstances or, you know, so I just, I just remember when I was going to graduate school, I knew a number of graduate students who were getting their PhD who were funding their education by being a sex worker. And I just thought they were so clever. You know, they had their regular clients, they were making really good money and they weren't ashamed about what they were doing. So there was this. For me, it was just such a stark contrast between what, how the media portrays paying for sex and actual people who are doing it, as a living, professionally feel about it. And I know that there's a lot of sex trafficking. I know that there's a dark side to this, but I don't think the media wants us to see the other side where women are emancipated, they're getting a good, you know, making good money from having lots of sex. God forbid that happen.
[00:17:58] Speaker B: I know, right.
You know, and I do think this came up in my sexology studies as well. And I thought it was really interesting because I think that if there were more legal, legitimate avenues for women and men, you know, for. Or for anyone to work as a sex worker, where they. They were protected, there was mandatory testing, there was legal protections, things like that, then sex trafficking would. Would decrease. I think that there would be a direct correlation there. Again, it's. It's talking about the things that thrive in the darkness. Right. So when there's all this shame about becoming a sex worker, hiring sex workers, things like that, then it's something that thrives in the darkness. But if there were more legally available sex workers and there wasn't such a stigma attached to it, then I think that sex trafficking would go down. I definitely found this statistic to be interesting, too.
My thought is that it would have been more women over the age of 45 that were paying for sex.
In my mind, it seemed like it might be more women who obviously had a little more disposable income. You know, perhaps they, you know, were either divorced or they had invested a lot of time in their careers. They didn't have time to get married, something like that. That's what would have made the most sense to me. So the fact that it's 30 to 44 is. Was also surprising to me.
[00:19:25] Speaker A: Yeah. And getting back to the topic, I have always thought it was very interesting why it's so much more shameful for a woman to pay for sex than for a man to pay for sex. Like, you know, there's still a shame attached for a man to pay for sex. But, you know, I think the reason women don't participate is because there's that extra layer of shame.
[00:19:45] Speaker B: Yeah. One of my deep fears, and I think this is a fear that a lot of women have. But if something happened to my husband, if something happened to James, I mean, in addition to losing my husband, which would be devastating, like losing my sex life, losing, you know, the pleasure that we have, and, you know, recognizing that at some point, if I wanted to be able to continue that, I've got to get into a new relationship. Or go on dating apps, which seems terrifying to me since I've been with him for nearly 25 years and phones were not even a thing yet. And you know, I wonder if that's something that I would consider. Well, you know, maybe if I just really want to have a, a good evening and some really good orgasms. Like let me see if I can find a male sex worker. I don't, you know, I don't know. I have no idea what I would do in that situation. But that's something that, like, that's the situation that it would make a little more sense to me. But again, where would you find it? Where would you find that person? You know, I don't know. Yeah, I think it would be so daunting.
[00:20:43] Speaker A: When I was at graduate school, I knew two female massage practitioners that, that specialized in sensual massage. And lesbians seem to be fine going to the female sensual practitioner. So I don't know if that has anything to do with this mix or not. If it was because it was a woman with a woman. And I don't know, like, I don't know if any of that correlates. I just remember that these two ladies had a very successful practice with their lesbian clients. And you know, at the end of it they would, you know, be given a happy ending. So, you know, that was great and they got paid for it. So, you know, yay for them.
[00:21:29] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, I also feel like there's probably a safety aspect to it. Like a woman, a lesbian going to a woman practitioner, I think she's probably going to feel more comfortable and more safe than if it was a heterosexual woman going to a male practitioner or.
[00:21:48] Speaker A: A heterosexual woman going to have a female give her sensual pleasure. I, you know, like, I don't know if that, that line was bird. Anyways, I just thought that was interesting that women, that section of women were happy to pay.
Yeah. Their pleasure to be met.
[00:22:06] Speaker B: Yeah. I think that the value of intimacy and connection and all of that in a relationship is huge. But there also is a value to receiving pleasure, receiving orgasms outside of that connection, relationship piece of it. And for people who have, for whatever reason, you know, chosen not to be a part of a relationship or unable to be a part of a relationship. You know, maybe they're a full time caregiver or, or, you know, there's so many reasons why being able to be in a relationship is challenging or impossible. And those people also have a right to be able to experience pleasure and orgasms. And I think that if there is a safe you know, legal avenue to be able to explore that with sex workers. I think that that would make that hurdle so much easier to overcome and that would allow those people to experience their absolute birthright to pleasure.
[00:23:01] Speaker A: Absolutely.
Well said.
[00:23:04] Speaker B: Right. All right, so this is the part of the podcast where we're going to put on our sexologist hats and we are going to break down the six step shame smashing formula.
[00:23:20] Speaker A: Now, for this to be effective, I want you to think of a sexual shame. For example, you, like billions of people on this planet, might feel ashamed right after you masturbate.
[00:23:34] Speaker B: Another option is thinking about squirting or female ejaculation. This is a topic that comes up often as something that many women want to learn how to do. Most women have never experienced this or they experience it very rarely. And those women often feel ashamed because they feel like something is wrong with them. However, there are some women who, when they ejaculate, they express so much fluid that they find that to be embarrassing and they want it to stop or happen less.
This is another example of how we just can't seem to get it right. We feel shame of for too little. We feel shame of her too much. There doesn't seem to be a good middle ground here.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: No, you'll never win. You'll always feel ashamed. So, yes, I don't know.
So let's get into the details. So step number one is identify a negative memory.
[00:24:34] Speaker B: As we said, identifying your sexual shame is going to be the hardest part of this process. So here's a few ideas for you to help find the right memory to start this process with. You can review your notes from the uncovering your sex history episode, and you can find those strong memories that maybe made you feel a little squeamish or maybe anxious.
[00:24:57] Speaker A: Or you can grab your notes from Jane's case study in the sexual choices.
[00:25:02] Speaker B: Episode, go through and reread your notes and highlight those moments where you felt shame, guilt, embarrassment, resentment, or anger.
[00:25:13] Speaker A: Then take each separate memory and work through this six step process.
[00:25:19] Speaker B: Writing down all of your shameful memories in one sitting is virtually impossible. But you must work your way up to mining those especially dark, deeply buried emotions.
[00:25:32] Speaker A: And the thing is, once you work through the surface memories, you're going to be capable and ready to tackle the more complicated emotions.
[00:25:41] Speaker B: I think it's ingrained in us, like as a human species, to avoid and deny these shameful memories. It's a coping mechanism. And so it's something happens and you just kind of box it away and you just hide it kind of Put it in the back of your mind and just kind of tamp that down. What I wonder is what that does to our ability to be sexual.
[00:26:07] Speaker A: Yeah. I have family members where I. Something terrible happened. Not sexual, but just like something terrible happened. And years later I'm recounting it, and they have no memory of it because. And I. And I was like, how could you not remember that? Like, and. And I feel like maybe they're just so ashamed about what happened that it's just gone from their memory. So I just feel like it's amazing how our brains cope with all these things that are happening to us.
[00:26:39] Speaker B: There's so many studies that have come out and. And I have some friends who've also had similar things where they had something that had happened and it was locked deep away. And then it kind of came out at a, you know, 20, 30 years later in a very unexpected time. And yeah, I think our brain does this. It compartmentalizes to protect us. It's a protective mechanism and it's pretty miraculous. And, you know, I think it's miraculous the way that our brain is able to do that for us.
[00:27:08] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:09] Speaker B: Here's an example of a shameful sex memory that I have that we might be able to run through this process. I was an older teen and in my first sexual relationship, and I remember that he tried to go down on me for the first time and he stopped because there was a lot of hair that got in his mouth. And he came up.
[00:27:29] Speaker A: Oh, my goodness.
[00:27:30] Speaker B: I know. And he was like, oh, he came up. And he was like, you know, and I.
I mean, I never had, you.
[00:27:39] Speaker A: Know, I'm not laughing at you. I know, but this is, like hyperventilating.
[00:27:44] Speaker B: It was horrifying, though, right? It was completely horrifying. Because, course, I'd never had someone, you know, go down on me before. I had never really paid attention to my pubic hair at that point. I don't think that I was shaving. I started shaving very quickly after that.
But, you know, and he was just like, ooh, there's too much hair. Like, I don't want to do that. And he. And he never did it ever again. Oh, boy.
And I, you know, as a probably 18 year old or something, you know, internalize that. You know, my vagina, my vulva was gross. It was hairy. No one's going to want to, you know, go down on me that I was unclean. You know, there's all these things that got internalized in that moment, and I'm.
[00:28:31] Speaker A: Surprised that you are still having sex, you know, like after that I'm like, you know, it would be like, okay, I'm done. Like, this is, I'm done with this and I'm good, so thanks.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: Yeah, well, and he, you know, on one hand I can look and be like, you know, how dare he, you know, say that and make me feel that way. But the other side of it is like he was also an 18 year old kid, like doing something for the first time. And, and for him, he did not like that we didn't stay in a relationship. So, you know, who knows if that would have evolved later on, I'm not really sure. But, but it was that learning process. But, you know, of course that made me feel kind of disgusted with, with my body.
[00:29:10] Speaker A: So. Well, so step number two is to name your shame, Amy. So I want you to identify what you're feeling. So at the time, I know that you've probably gotten over this, thank goodness that you've gotten over this. But I want you to identify what you were feeling at the time. Was it embarrassed, shameful, guilty, resentful, angry, or all of the above?
[00:29:32] Speaker B: I, I definitely felt very embarrassed. I felt stupid because I didn't know that I should have shaved. You know, it didn't ever occur to me.
I think I felt guilty because I, because I had asked him to do that and it didn't work out, you know, that I'd ruined, you know, now all of a sudden we weren't being able to do what we wanted to do.
So I don't think I felt angry in the moment. Like later on down the line. Looking back on that, I think I did feel anger at him though. I can move past that. So, yeah, I would say pretty much all of the above.
[00:30:13] Speaker A: Yeah. Gosh.
[00:30:15] Speaker B: I have another great example. One of my sex coaching clients, we uncovered that a past boyfriend had told her that her areolas were too big. And the areolas are darker colored areas of the skin that surround the nipple of the breast.
And this boyfriend told her that they were huge, like saucers. And now when she came to me as my client, she is no longer with this past boyfriend. She's married. She's in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. But she is horribly embarrassed every time she takes off her bra.
And she feels a lot of anger at this past boyfriend who said that to her. She feels a lot of guilt because her, her husband loves her breasts. He loves them, he loves to play with them, he loves to do all kinds of things. But she hates it when he looks at her or when he tries to touch her there. And she also feels a lot of anxiety every time her partner tries to play with her breasts. And so do you see? This is how. This is how all of this is rooted in that original shame from that. That old, old ex boyfriend.
[00:31:28] Speaker A: I wonder if these were the two. I wonder if these were two of the same guys. Like, if they were the same guy.
[00:31:33] Speaker B: Yeah. I wonder. Yeah. Did we date the same guy? Yeah.
[00:31:38] Speaker A: I think both of these are amazing examples because it's so much easier to see shame in other people than it is to see it in ourselves. So thank you, Amy, for sharing those really great examples.
[00:31:52] Speaker B: While you are identifying what you feel, you might experience some resistance and you might want to stop because it feels uncomfortable and you don't like feeling these emotions.
[00:32:05] Speaker A: So the point of naming your shame is allow yourself to feel your negative emotions and it's not going to feel good. As we've already discussed, we've taught ourselves to ignore or numb our negative emotions, which is a big reason why they are never going to go away.
[00:32:27] Speaker B: If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed as you're going through this process, because these negative emotions are coming up, they don't feel good. Your natural inclinations to try to just put them away again because that's again, our brain protecting ourselves, tell yourself, I can manage this. And at the first opportunity, I promise to take care of what's wrong.
[00:32:50] Speaker A: However, if a negative emotion does stay stuck, break down the memory to understand why it's looping inside your head and not going away. The stickier the memory, the stronger the negative emotions hold has over you.
[00:33:07] Speaker B: Ask yourself why. The answer might not present itself immediately, but eventually your subconscious is going to give you an answer.
[00:33:18] Speaker A: And here's a good tip. Watch. If you start defaulting into believing that you're the only one working on your relationship, because that's a common sabotaging trigger.
[00:33:30] Speaker B: An exercise that I do with my clients, I think we talked about this in a previous episode too, is we have a yes spot and a no spot in our body. And the no spot is also sometimes where we're going to feel shame. So for some people, it's going to be like a tightening in your stomach or maybe a tightening in your throat.
And your body is going to tell you what you're feeling. So have you observed that?
[00:33:57] Speaker A: Oh, for sure. I have learned over many years. It took me many years to figure this one out, but I feel shame in my chest. So, like, there's like a spot right here that when it Starts to. I don't know if you know that feeling, but when I get that feeling, it's like, oh, hello, shame. You're here. You're here for a visit. Okay, got it. And honed in on this and my body, like, so. The thing is, my body is the first thing to tell me what I'm feeling. And when I. When I pay attention, like, I'm on top of it, and it's really a powerful feeling.
[00:34:29] Speaker B: Yeah. When you know where you feel that, when you can identify this is where this emotion is located in my body, then that is giving you such valuable information. Because again, the first step of this is awareness of that shame. So if you're going through that sex history, you're writing down some of these memories, and you're feeling them in that same spot, then you know that this is. You are in the right place, you are doing the right thing, you are working your way, and you're at the beginning of this shame smashing formula. And that is a big deal.
[00:35:07] Speaker A: It is.
[00:35:10] Speaker B: Step three is to detach and forgive.
It's time to detach from each memory's shame, stigma and emotional charge.
[00:35:23] Speaker A: So think of detaching and forgiving like lancing a boil. It's allowing all the poison that has festered for however long in your body to leave.
[00:35:35] Speaker B: Self compassion and emotional care are a big part of your success here.
[00:35:41] Speaker A: And sometimes that means you need to forgive yourself and to forgive others.
[00:35:47] Speaker B: I've got to forgive that ex boyfriend for when he came up.
[00:35:52] Speaker A: I don't know. I'm on the cusp of forgiving the ex boyfriend. I. Honestly, Amy, you're a big person to forgive that guy.
[00:35:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:00] Speaker A: And I hope he's listening to this podcast.
[00:36:02] Speaker B: I know. He's like, wow, she became a sexologist. She didn't even know how to shave her pubic hair.
But forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. And it's letting go of a past that we thought we wanted.
[00:36:18] Speaker A: And there are many, many, many ways to detach and forgive. So we're going to give you some options, but they may work or may not work for you, but there's always an option to detach and forgive.
[00:36:32] Speaker B: Start with closing your eyes. Take a deep breath, and let that emotion run its course. This allows the emotion to move through your body instead of staying stuck.
[00:36:46] Speaker A: I actually do that. That's one of my techniques. And it works like a charm. I can't tell you how effective that is, but you have to allow yourself to feel the negative emotion. Another Thing you can do is use the wonderful Hawaiian forgiveness prayer. It's actually a meditation mantra. And it goes, I forgive you. Thank you. I'm sorry, I love you.
[00:37:10] Speaker B: I forgive you. Thank you. I'm sorry, I love you. That's so powerful.
[00:37:17] Speaker A: Yeah, I think it covers all the bases, you know, like you're, you're forgiving, you're detaching, you're moving on with your life. And so easy to say. You can just say it over and over and, you know, suddenly you're doing all four things.
[00:37:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
This also goes into the use of affirmations and mantras to again, overcome negative emotions, to overcome the different things that we're telling ourselves, for telling ourselves, my vulva is ugly because I never shaved it, or my areolas are big and ugly and no one's ever going to love them.
You know, rather, you know, turning that around and using, you know, this. I forgive you. Thank you. I'm sorry, I love you. I think this would be a really powerful thing to do in the mirror as well.
[00:38:07] Speaker A: Absolutely.
[00:38:09] Speaker B: Or another strategy you can use is tell yourself that you're Teflon, not tape.
[00:38:15] Speaker A: You can intentionally cultivate kindness and compassion by saying, may you be happy, may you be healthy, may you live your life with ease.
[00:38:27] Speaker B: As you can see, there are a lot of different ways to do this, but the bottom line is that the only way to get through this shame is to forgive yourself and forgive others.
[00:38:38] Speaker A: Amy, from this list of things that you can do to detach and forgive, what. Which one would you use on the pubic hating boyfriend that you had?
[00:38:48] Speaker B: You know, I think the, I think the closing my eyes and allowing that emotion to run its course is a, is a very valuable one.
I remember reading someplace that, you know, we feel emotions can feel very big, but we actually only experience like the full strength of an emotion for no longer than 90 seconds.
And so, you know, allowing that, that shame, that anger to kind of move through and, and move past, I think would be the most valuable for me, you know. Of course, you know, now here at age 46, I can look back and say, you know, these were two, we were two 18 year old kids, you know, adults technically, I suppose, you know, who were just figuring things out, you know, and I hope that he has moved past, you know, that, but maybe he hasn't, you know, I don't. But I know that I've moved past that and I know that I've learned better personal grooming for myself. And I also have a partner that really doesn't care that much about that kind of thing. So.
[00:39:59] Speaker A: But I think the right partner for you.
[00:40:02] Speaker B: That's right, absolutely.
[00:40:04] Speaker A: So moving on to step number four, which is to share your shame.
[00:40:13] Speaker B: Opening up and telling someone what you're ashamed of is your most powerful tool for stopping shame dead in its tracks. Shame thrives in the darkness.
[00:40:25] Speaker A: It does. So you need to start with a small shame and tell someone that you feel safe with what you've experienced and how you feel.
[00:40:35] Speaker B: Yes, opening up about the things that we feel ashamed about can be challenging. But that is also the point to no longer let this shame silence you. My client, with the beautiful areolas, finally shared with her husband the root of why she didn't like him playing with her breasts. And he was flabbergasted. He told her how gorgeous and sexy he found them to be. And with that one small but huge admission, she was able to truly allow herself to believe this and replace that old memory with this new one.
[00:41:09] Speaker A: And you know what? I would bet my mortgage on my house that when she opened up about her shame and then got rid of it, the next time her husband touched her breast, it was a completely different sensation. Like a brand new sexual experience. So sharing allowed her to lean into the pleasure that her partner was giving to her.
[00:41:33] Speaker B: Plus, the other thing that you might not even realize with this is the person that you're telling might be feeling a similar shame. And by sharing, you're helping them to feel less isolated. An example of this is when I shared with my husband how frustrated I was with feeling like it was taking my body too long. I felt like, you know, he was, he was doing these different things to try to get me turned on. And I was in my head and I was like, oh, it's taking too long and why isn't this feel good? And I feel bad for him and I feel bad, like, why am I broken? And you know, all of these things that were going through my head in that moment. And, and, and I did that for years and I never shared that with him. And one day I finally told him, I said, you know what, James?
Sometimes like it, I don't even know how long it is, but the first 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes, like the things that you're doing are, don't, they're just kind of like I don't feel much, they aren't very pleasurable. Sometimes they're even mildly irritating. And I feel like there's something wrong with me. And he looked at me and he said, I'm doing that on purpose.
He thought or what he was trying to do in that moment was tease my body and extend the experience out for me. And he thought that that was like a really wonderful pleasurable thing that he was doing for me. And I, on the flip side, was like, oh, my gosh, why is it taking me so long? My body's taking so long, my orgasm is taking so long.
And when we finally had that conversation and I understood what he was doing, then it just dissipated that I said, okay, this is not my body taking so long. This is like my partner, like playing with me and having fun. And that completely changed the experience for me.
[00:43:24] Speaker A: So can I ask you, when you shared that with your husband, what was his reaction? Like, was it. Was, was he angry? Was he upset? Was he like non plussed by it? Like, what was his. I think a lot of people don't want to share because they're, they're scared of what reaction they're going to get from the other person.
[00:43:44] Speaker B: He was, he was shocked slash surprised, but not in a negative way. He, I think he, he was confused that I thought something was wrong.
He was surprised when I was saying that, at least for a little while. Things, it's not that they didn't feel good, but it just takes up, you know, it takes a while, it takes.
[00:44:08] Speaker A: Me a long time to get into things. For sure.
[00:44:11] Speaker B: I'm a sexologist. It takes my body a long time. This is not just you, this is me as well. And, but no, he wasn't angry at all. And he, he reassured me, he reassured me that one part, this was part of he was doing, was teasing. I also shared with him in that moment that sometimes I do like the longer extended teasing sessions, but sometimes I might need him to get to the point a little bit faster. And so, and what that has turned into is we'll have conversations, you know, if we know that we're going to be going into the bedroom, he'll say, you know, do we, do we want to extended the playtime a little bit or do we want to get right to it? And just depending on the day, my mood, you know, whether the kids are awake or asleep or here or whatever, then, you know, I can share sort of a little bit more of what I'm in the mood for. And that, of course, is more communication. And then that gets me what I would like.
[00:45:06] Speaker A: Wow. And, and just to your point, Amy, step number five is to celebrate. And I want you to celebrate what you just did with your husband, which is communicate your sexual needs, which is like the who point of this entire podcast is being able to explain to your partner what you need and your partner saying, okay, well good, then let's just do it that way, you know, like it can be that easy. Just thrilled that you gave this example because this is exactly where we want every single listener to get to.
[00:45:43] Speaker B: And do not skip the celebration part because when you celebrate, you're reinforcing that. You just, just did something hard and this isn't easy. When you celebrate, it will give you the motivate me fortitude to do it again and smash that shame over and over.
Yeah.
[00:46:03] Speaker A: So please, please, please give yourself a well deserved pat on the back. For each memory that you tackle, pause.
[00:46:12] Speaker B: And reflect on how you just took one step closer to controlling your sexual destiny instead of letting shame be role.
[00:46:22] Speaker A: It's a huge deal and it took an immense amount of courage.
[00:46:28] Speaker B: Celebration is a big part of what I do as a sex and intimacy coach. Feeling affirmed and validated feels so good. And since we don't have a team of cheerleaders following us around cheering you on as you successfully plan the summer camp schedule, it's important for you to be your own cheerleader. And we would love to celebrate with you too. So feel free to email us so we can celebrate. SensationalSexPodcast gmail.com Step 6 is repeat this process. You're going to return to step one and work through the next shame on your list. And when you've written down multiple shames, look for any emerging themes or trends.
[00:47:10] Speaker A: Warning. New sexual shames are going to pop up unexpectedly and at the most inconvenient times. This is a good sign and it means you're ready to take it on. So welcome the negative emotion with open arms.
[00:47:26] Speaker B: And each time you go through the shame smashing formula, it's going to become easier to identify the shame and work through it quickly.
[00:47:35] Speaker A: Plus, you get to watch your maturity, wisdom and self confidence blossom. And confident women are the most sexy women. So go you.
[00:47:48] Speaker B: I think as you go through this, the first one is going to be the hardest. The second one hopefully will be a little bit easier. The third one will be a little bit easier. I feel like as you go down the list, some of the shames might be bigger and deeper ones, but the more you practice this, it's going to give you that motivation to keep repeating this.
[00:48:08] Speaker A: But I've been doing this for years and I just find now that when I'm feeling that chest thing here or something just seems out of place and I'm like, what is this? You know, it's a lot easier for me to recognize what's happening in real time and suddenly going through these steps, honestly, it takes seconds to go through the steps once you recognize what's going on and. But it does take time to bring your awareness up to that level where you're listening to your body and you're listening to your sixth sense. You know, like, it does take some time, but once you're there, it's like, it's so simple. It really is.
[00:48:50] Speaker B: The best time to confront your shame was yesterday. But today will do perfectly fine.
[00:48:58] Speaker A: Do not wait a second longer. You have the power to walk away from those memories that hold your sexuality down. So what are you waiting for?
[00:49:08] Speaker B: Want to take it to the next level? Share your shameful secret with a sympathetic sensational sex podcast. The more stories women post, the less shameful women worldwide will feel. We are here for you. Email us and we may be able to use your shame as an example on our podcast. Obviously without your name. If we get enough emails, we'll do a listener shame smashing episode.
[00:49:34] Speaker A: I would love that and that would be such a powerful episode if everybody was sharing their pubic hair, big a oral stories and like we just went through the stories and everybody could, we could all just be laughing at it because hates it the most when you laugh at it. So if we could just all sit and laugh at these shames. Oh my gosh, such a powerful thing.
[00:49:56] Speaker B: I can assure you that whatever shame it is that you're feeling and that we hope you'll share with us, us, that is going to be something. There are going to be many, many, many other women that will be able to relate to. And just by bringing your shame to light, you're going to be helping other women overcome their shame as well, because I guarantee they're going to have the same one for sure.
So, wrapping up today's podcast, let's go over the shame smashing formula. Step one is to identify your negative memories. Identify and catch those moments where you felt shame, guilt, embarrassment, resentment or anger.
[00:50:39] Speaker A: Step number two is to name your shame. So you need to identify what you're feeling. Is it embarrassed, shameful, guilty, resentful, or angry? And I want you to notice that resistance as you go through the next part. And especially you need to allow yourself to to feel that negative emotion.
[00:50:59] Speaker B: Step three is to detach and forgive. Think of this step like lancing a boil. It's allowing all of that poison that's festered for however long to leave your body. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and let that emotion run its course.
[00:51:17] Speaker A: Step number four is to share your shame.
Opening up and telling someone what you're ashamed of is your most powerful tool for stopping shame dead in its tracks.
[00:51:30] Speaker B: Step five is to celebrate what you've done. When you celebrate, you're reinforcing that you just did something hard and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back for each memory that you tackle.
[00:51:44] Speaker A: Step number six is to repeat. So return to step number one and work through the next shame on your list. And each time you go through the shame Smashing formula, it's going to become easier to identify the shame and work through it more quickly.
That's it for us until the next podcast Stay Sexy on next week's episode.
[00:52:08] Speaker B: Of the Sensational Sex Podcast, do you.
[00:52:10] Speaker A: Want to try something new in the bedroom but do not know how to tell your partner?
[00:52:15] Speaker B: Join the club. The majority of couples feel paralyzed to talk openly, authentically and vulnerably. They're willing to share their bodies and have sex, but they aren't able to share their words.
[00:52:28] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reed.
[00:52:30] Speaker B: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist and we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:52:39] Speaker A: So in this sensational sex podcast episode, you're going to find out, when asking for something new, how to approach this conversation, especially if you've never done this before and are really nervous.
[00:52:54] Speaker B: Then we'll discuss how you can ask for a big sexual change or a small sexual change.
[00:53:01] Speaker A: And we're going to tell you how to ask in a way that your partner won't feel criticized.
[00:53:07] Speaker B: Finally, we'll walk you through what to do if your partner rejects what you're asking for.
[00:53:14] Speaker A: Make sure to listen to this podcast where we give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:53:23] Speaker B: Are you struggling with lack of desire, mismatched sex drives, pain or peri or postmenopausal shifts that affect your sex life? Are you craving more pleasure and passion in the bedroom but you don't know where to start? At Suburban Intimacy, I offer a holistic blend of one to one coaching, educational workshops, online events, and curated bisexual intimacy products. Book a complimentary discovery call@suburban intimacy.com and while you're there, download your five free tips for sexy scheduled sex. Want to Spice things up? Save 15 off your first order at Suburban Intimacy shop.com with the code PODCAST15.
[00:54:10] Speaker A: If good sex on your mind but not in your bedroom, go to trinaread.com and check out my award winning books the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for My Success newsletter to get weekly freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
