[00:00:02] Speaker A: Welcome to the Sensational Sex Podcast, where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week and take a small step. Soon enough you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media at Sensational Sex Podcast Share this episode, return next week, leave a review and thank you so much for subscribing. Now, let's start the show.
[00:00:50] Speaker B: Hello beautiful people. Thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy for you to come along on this ride.
[00:00:59] Speaker A: Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you and we are here to help you with that.
[00:01:07] Speaker B: Most of us assume that reaching orgasm is like crossing the finish line to sex. You might even wonder if it's worth it without having at least one orgasmic moment.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: However, something we talk about a lot on this podcast, the reason so many women lose interest in sex is because the orgasm is the goal. She comes first. Pressure to perform.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: Your body is not a machine and it's not able to automatically produce orgasms on command.
[00:01:39] Speaker A: And it might seem counterintuitive, but if you want to experience more orgasms, then you need to take the focus off of having an orgasm and redirect your focus to your sensual pleasure.
[00:01:52] Speaker B: But what if your sex routines are already established? Split. Switching things around can seem impossible and.
[00:01:59] Speaker A: We'Re here to tell you it's not. And at the end of the podcast, you'll learn five ways that you can redirect your focus to your sensual pleasure.
[00:02:09] Speaker B: To stop feeling that pressure to perform that comes with orgasm as the goal and she comes first. And listen to what your body is saying that it needs from the sex in order to be sexually satisfied.
[00:02:24] Speaker A: So I think this is a really difficult conversation for a lot of people because we've been programmed to believe that in order for sex to be successful, we have to have an orgasm. That's the point of having sex. So when we say no, no, no, in fact it's about sensuality. I was at a networking function just this week and I was talking with this man and he was earnestly listening to what I had to say and, and trying to understand what I was saying to him. And I was being as direct as I could be to him. Like he was a very nice man and he really wanted to learn and he was so confused about what I was saying to him. So I just wonder, Amy, like, is this a confusing message that we're giving to people?
[00:03:08] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, yes, it completely turns on its head what everybody has been taught to expect from sex. And, you know, an early thing that I do often with my couples in coaching is we look at the sex script, right? We say most couples have two or three typical sex scripts that they play out, right? And it's like, okay, this person initiates, and I touch you here and you touch here, and we do this and we do this and, you know, he gives her the orgasm and then he has his orgasm and then it's over. We roll over and go to bed, right? And that's. That's the traditional sex script that most couples play out.
And it is completely and totally orgasm focused. And it always ends with his orgasm and ejaculation.
And that's how we've been taught to have sex. So, yes, this is a very confusing concept because again, to your point, people are like, we're supposed to have an orgasm. The orgasm is the best part. Why would we not try to have an orgasm? What the heck are you saying? You guys are the dumbest sexologist ever.
[00:04:11] Speaker A: Well, in fact, we're really smart.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: I know.
[00:04:14] Speaker A: And we're giving you the answers. So the problem is, Amy, we live in a result driven society where it's necessary to make checklists, where we drive the kids to practice, make a dinner just to get through our day.
[00:04:27] Speaker B: And then you add into this that North Americans believe that if anything is worth doing, it has to have a goal attached. And when you have sex, what is the purpose? What's the goal?
[00:04:38] Speaker A: Yeah, the goal should be to feel connected, to have fun, and to experience pleasure. And all these good things that we crave stem from emotional intimacy, which is the glue that's going to hold this couple together through thick and thin.
[00:04:56] Speaker B: And while it's true that all of these good things can be wrapped up efficiently by experiencing an orgasm, somehow, somewhere, this idea that some sex as a means to an end rather than simply enjoying it has become the ideal.
[00:05:12] Speaker A: So let's be clear. Having an orgasm is how men want to experience sex. And there's nothing wrong with that. But when women don't bring in what she wants into their couple experience, that becomes the crux of the problem.
[00:05:27] Speaker B: And women tend to do what their partner wants. They tend to follow their partner's lead. And then the sex becomes very lopsided and the woman will start to become resentful. She's going to start to view sex as a performance, as a chore, or as a test that can feel very, very anxiety inducing.
[00:05:49] Speaker A: So when her partner does not notice her dissatisfaction, she becomes resentful that her sexual experience was about making sure he he was sexually satisfied.
[00:06:00] Speaker B: And this resentment is going to turn into apathy. And there is no greater libido killer than being apathetic about sex.
[00:06:10] Speaker A: And when we throw in the pressure to achieve orgasm for both partners, it's no wonder that sex can sometimes feel like a chore.
[00:06:20] Speaker B: So this combination of resentment, anxiety, guilt and shame, not shockingly, is extremely effective at blocking and robbing partners of their emotional intimacy.
[00:06:34] Speaker A: And this is where the majority of women find their sex life. It's wedged in an orgasm as the focus she comes first apathetic sex rut.
[00:06:47] Speaker B: And we've talked about this in our podcasts. The confusing matter that women love to orgasm. We do want orgasms, and we do want to orgasm during sex.
[00:06:59] Speaker A: It's not the orgasm, it's the expectations.
[00:07:03] Speaker B: And it boils down to most women not wanting and eventually resenting the pressure to perform an orgasm first on command, with every sexual encounter.
[00:07:15] Speaker A: So let's explain why. So most women experience what is called a delayed sexual response and are unable to orgasm during the she comes first time frame.
[00:07:26] Speaker B: So women have this one shot to fit in her pleasure. It's during foreplay. Her partner's doing all the fun things to her and she knows that this is her time. This is going to be the opportunity she has to be able to have the orgasm during this time when this is happening. But her ability to get in the mood and her ability to orgasm can be very inconsistent.
[00:07:49] Speaker A: And then there's the other confusing matter of when women do orgasm with every sexual encounter, yet she is still sexually unsatisfied.
[00:08:01] Speaker B: A woman's body can orgasm without her feeling any sexual desire or arousal. It's an automatic response to stimulation. It can be like a sneeze, but there can be no emotional attachment.
[00:08:15] Speaker A: So it's our job as sexologists to tell you her partner that she needs something more. However, most women aren't sure of what that something is and don't know how to communicate that change to her partner.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: So what's the saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And sadly, as billions of women will attest, the she comes first model backfired in a big way. And it was a worldwide orgasm experiment gone completely wrong.
[00:08:46] Speaker A: The pressure, performance and stigma to reach orgasm severely limits our understanding of emotional intimacy. Instead, we do what we've always done, which is clutch and grab the hot spots, which is the breasts and the vulva and the penis.
[00:09:03] Speaker B: And the goal is to orgasm. The expectation and the pressure to orgasm with every sexual encounter can and often will decrease a woman's ability to experience an orgasm.
[00:09:15] Speaker A: Okay, I just want to repeat that. So the pressure to have an orgasm significantly decreases a woman's ability to have an orgasm. And that is why it's so important to bring sensuality into this experience. However, why can't women ask for sensuality?
[00:09:37] Speaker B: So many women have been told throughout their entire lives that she cannot feel pleasure.
[00:09:45] Speaker A: She is the gatekeeper to make sure she does not get pregnant, she does not get an sti, she's not labeled a whore.
[00:09:52] Speaker B: And so if women can't lean into their pleasure, and the only acceptable way for her to experience pleasure is the way that her partner wants to experience, which is orgasm as the goal.
[00:10:05] Speaker A: Now, you might be asking yourself if turning the situation around is even possible. It is possible, but it takes two people working together as a team.
[00:10:17] Speaker B: And so here is the problem that we need to solve. We need to teach women how to lean into their pleasure, because that is where her sexual satisfaction lies.
[00:10:28] Speaker A: And when she's happy and secure in her sensuality, guess what? Her partner is going to get an engaged and interested sex partner who's very orgasmic. So at this networking event that I was at, I talked to a number of women there who were like, yeah, I want something different. I just don't know what that is. And I think that's the problem is women are like, I do want something different in our sex. I'm not like, it's. It's sex on repeat. It's orgasm is the focus. You know, it's not bad, but it's not great. But I don't know what I want. And one woman, she said, my partner's saying, hey, what do you want? And she's like, I don't know. I don't know how to ask for it. And I think this is the problem. Like, how do you ask for your sensual needs to be met?
[00:11:15] Speaker B: Think, you know, growing up and, you know, as a teenager, you know, see these movies, you know, this was the 80s, and they would have, like, the sexy music and like the red sheets and blindfold and the candles. And it always seemed so cheesy to me. Like, it seemed so, like, forced and cheesy and, you know, like, I. I just remember always sort of having like a, you know, reaction to that. And then as I'VE gotten older, as I've been in longer relationships, as I've been in a very long relationship, as I've been married for 20 years.
What I have learned is how necessary that is. That is exploring sensuality and having those types of experiences where you really are slowing down and you're taking the time and you're lighting the candles. It doesn't necessarily have to be red brocade sheets or anything, but unless you're.
[00:12:15] Speaker A: Into that sort of thing.
[00:12:16] Speaker B: Unless you're into that sort of thing. If you like the fur, do the fur. That's fine, go for it. But that is the sensuality. And I think, at least for me, like, asking for that. I don't even know that I knew that I needed that or that I wanted that. But then when I finally explored, experienced that from a different perspective, I understood it. It made so much more sense to me. And is that possible every time? No. But is that something that we build more into our times together now? Yes, because it does increase that sensuality and care.
[00:12:52] Speaker A: Yeah, I think it's more the being intentional about before sex starts, I need to do something to connect with my body. You know, it's just that simple. And so couples who want to always have spontaneous sex, this won't be possible because, you know, like, she feels jumped on. So maybe take a step back and start looking at planning your sex out. Like, Amy and I talk about planning sex and scheduling sex and the importance of it and how couples who schedule sex have better sex more often. And one of the reasons is, is you're getting your mind and your body into this idea of having sex, which is opening up your sensuality and your sexual experience. I mean, there's just this grocery list of the reasons why planning out your sex is going to make your sex so much better.
[00:13:37] Speaker B: And you're able to have the things that you need. If you plan out your sex, you can make sure that you have the right lube on hand. You can make sure you have some towels for cleanup, you can make sure you put on some music. All of those things, even a few tiny little things, are going to make that experience so much better, and you're going to have a higher quality experience. And if you're having a higher quality experience, then you're going to want that experience more often.
[00:14:02] Speaker A: I think what I like about what you're saying, Amy, is it's a layered approach. So it's not just your partner putting their finger on your clit and going like this, like. And it's like the music and Then there's the lubricant and then there's this other thing. There's these layers of sense that are opening up your mind and your body.
[00:14:20] Speaker B: Yeah, music is essential for me at this point. It used to be optional. It is essential for me because my brain just goes. And music calms my brain down. I listen to music when I work. I listen to music all the time. I actually, I listen to music when I sleep. I. Silence freaks me out. Silence means something's wrong. So.
But I need music in everything that I do, but especially in sex and intimate intimacy.
So let's dive in to why pleasure is necessary and the complete and total opposite of being selfish.
[00:14:56] Speaker A: So you might unknowingly have a lot of resistance to the notion of pleasure. You might say to yourself, unconsciously enjoying something for the sake of enjoyment. What's that?
[00:15:10] Speaker B: I had a client who would have a visceral reaction when I would use the word pleasure. She had been taught, you can't eat those chips. You. All of the pleasurable activities going back to her childhood, she had been taught to deny herself. And so I think, and I think that's ingrained in a lot of women. But for sure, what we don't realize, what we don't understand, is that pleasure is this basic need. And we all must have this in order to be mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: So a performance mindset can get in the way of pleasure because it provokes self consciousness and anxiety.
[00:15:50] Speaker B: And this is where you need to utilize your positive sexual mindset that we talked about all the way back in episode three, I believe.
[00:16:00] Speaker A: So in case you weren't listening to episode three, positive sexual mindset simply means that you are looking for what is going well in your sex life rather than focusing on why your sex isn't good or what's wrong with your sex.
[00:16:14] Speaker B: And your positive sexual mindset is going to help you learn to be relaxed and sink into your pleasure.
[00:16:21] Speaker A: So in this situation, you need to replace your current mindset that sex is a goal driven performance with thoughts about why sex meets your needs and experiencing the all important couple emotional intimacy.
[00:16:37] Speaker B: This isn't going to happen instantaneously. However, we can guarantee that if you go through these five steps to reshape your sexual mindset, your sex experience will improve dramatically.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: So I always find with positive sexual mindset, it's like when you have a bad flu. Like the flu is there. Like you're so miserable, you're so unhappy, like you're like all you can think about is the flu, flu and how Sick you are. And then as you gradually get better, you stop noticing. And I find that mindset is the same way. So your sex life is unhappy. You don't like it, you're unhappy. Like, it's just like this and this and this. And then you start applying the positive sexual mindset, and gradually that just fades. That what you don't like just fades away. And unless you're really paying attention to this positive, like the results of your positive sexual mindset, chances are like you won't notice it because it's just so gradual and it's just effortless to do.
[00:17:41] Speaker B: I love reframing. I love changing the way that we think about things. An example, you know, probably another analogy that I use along these lines is if you're shopping for a car, right? So let's say you've decided. Actually, I talked about this with a client this morning. You know, you're shopping for a Toyota Camry and all of a sudden you see Toyota Camrys everywhere, right? And you're like, I had no idea this many people drove Toyota Camrys. Are there that many more, more Toyota Camrys on the road right now? And they're not all those Camrys have always been there. But because you're looking for Toyota Camrys, you're seeing Toyota Camrys. And if you are looking and focusing on the negative aspects of your sexual experiences, then that is what you're going to see, focus on and experience. On the flip side, when you change in and focus in on the positive parts of your sexual experience, then that is what's going to be ingrained in your head. And I can see that also. It's going to be one of those things that it's going to become just more part of your experience, right? So you're not going to just be seeing the Camrys anymore. You're just going to be happy driving the brand new car.
[00:18:54] Speaker A: So, Amy, let's segue into our sponsorship break.
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[00:21:42] Speaker A: Okay, Amy, we're back. And it's that time where we're doing our sex iq. Yay. So our sex IQ this time is, does sexual satisfaction increase or decrease for women as they get older? A, increase, B, decrease, or C, it stays the same?
[00:22:05] Speaker B: This answer may surprise some people. It doesn't surprise me. But the short answer is A, it increases.
[00:22:12] Speaker A: Yay.
[00:22:13] Speaker B: Guess what, everybody? There's hope. Hooray.
As men got older, sexual satisfaction didn't change.
[00:22:21] Speaker A: No surprise. Yeah, they're good.
[00:22:24] Speaker B: We're good. We're having sex. Yep, we're good. Things are great. Got my orgasm. All right, all right. Sorry, slipped into a southern accent there.
But by contrast, older women were more sexually satisfied than older men.
[00:22:38] Speaker A: Wow.
So sexual frequency declined with age for both men and women. However, the decline was steeper for women than it was for men. People in their 30s said their ideal would be 12 times per month. By contrast, people in their 70s and beyond put their ideal at four times per month.
[00:22:59] Speaker B: Across all age and gender groups, three of the common reasons for having sex were identical. One, having fun, two, feeling good, and three, wanting to experience pleasure.
[00:23:13] Speaker A: Well, I feel like as an. As a person in their mid-50s I can see that who I am now is very different than who I was in my 20s. And, and maybe it's because I've been in a relationship for 22 years. That probably has something to do with it because, you know, we trust each other. You know, maybe if I was dating this would be different, but I just feel so much more confident in my body and who I am and, and I'm not so self conscious about things I was always tremendously self conscious for. And I feel like, you know, with age comes wisdom and maybe that's part of the reason why older women are just enjoying themselves so much more because men maybe didn't have the same self consciousness they, as we did when they were 20. I don't know. I'm guessing.
[00:24:00] Speaker B: Yeah, I mean I, I think that I've been following a similar trajectory where there's just, with each decade there's just been things that I've just let go of. You know, it's like I don't care about this anymore. I don't care about this anymore. I know that I need this, I know that I want this.
I can ask for it. You know, I think, I think there is a, an ease when you're in a longer term relationship and you have that community, communication and that basis. And especially if you're able to grow and develop and continuously co create and change new sexual experiences, you know, that's, that's when things get really fun. And so, you know, once we're empty nesters and we've got all the time in the world, I don't know, are we gonna be in bed constantly? I don't know. Maybe. Fingers crossed.
[00:24:45] Speaker A: I guess we'll see. I hope you are.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: I know, I hope you are too. Trina.
You've got a little bit less time than I do, so you have to tell, tell me.
But you know, but I can see that it makes a lot of sense to me like that you're just letting go of these different things. You know your body better, you know your partner better, you're able to have easier communication. And so once you have overcome again a lot of the common challenges that we are talking about here and you are having pleasure focused sex and you aren't having orgasm focused sexual, then of course your satisfaction is going to increase.
[00:25:23] Speaker A: Well, to all the ladies out there who are getting older, let's really just enjoy it. You know, this is the time to really dive into our sexuality.
So this is the part of the podcast where we put on our sexologist hats and give you Concrete and practical tools to help your sexual situation.
[00:25:44] Speaker B: So how do you switch your sexual mindset from results driven orgasm as the goal sex to let's just enjoy this naked experience we're having sex first, we.
[00:25:58] Speaker A: Need to dispel a big myth that there is no such thing as being perfect in bed.
[00:26:04] Speaker B: No person is ever good in bed because sex is not a skill like learning how to bake a soup.
[00:26:13] Speaker A: You and your sexual experience are ever evolving. People who enjoy sex over the long term are able to talk, listen, understand and share.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: And most of us will never be perfect at these things. We can only have aspirations and intentions.
[00:26:31] Speaker A: Yet people feel the pressure to be good in bed and they want to be a good sexual partner. And because of that, there are all kinds of things that they do or we do to achieve that.
[00:26:45] Speaker B: And whether that's feeling a need to perform in bed, that their body needs to look a certain way, their body hair has to be a certain way, they have to orgasm, so they fake it just so their partner feels good about their sexual encounter.
[00:26:58] Speaker A: So all you can really do is ask your partner what do you like or not like?
[00:27:05] Speaker B: And you really don't need any special tools to focus on pleasure and practice mindfulness during sex.
But here are five ways that will help you experience and feel more pleasure during sex. Number one, be clear about your resistance to planning or scheduling sex. People want to have spontaneous, mind blowing sexual, but it simply does not work that way.
[00:27:33] Speaker A: So let me tell you what spontaneous sex actually means. The two of you walk into the bedroom and without a clue of what to do, you end up grabbing the hot spots, having an orgasm. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. And this is what causes couples to lose interest in sex. So if you want to have juicy, toe curling sex, you need to put some thought into it and have a plan.
[00:28:00] Speaker B: An analogy I like to give with this is the dinner party analogy. So let's say somebody stops by your house randomly and you just go sorting through the pantry and you throw something together. I mean, maybe it turns out okay, but if you knew they were coming and you had a chance to meal plan and go grocery shopping and pick out the right music and set the table, that is going to be such a better, higher quality experience that somebody's gonna want to come back to, that's gonna inspire somebody to return.
So planning sex is so, so important. And to create more pleasure in sex, it might be helpful to explore what pleasure means to you in your life outside of the bedroom.
[00:28:45] Speaker A: Consider any needs you might have going into Sex, sex. That might help make it less complicated and put your own mind at ease. For example, you can turn off your phone and anything else that's going to disturb you. Amy, I don't know how many times you and I have to repeat plan sex, plan sex, plan sex. It's going to be better. If you want mind blowing sex, you got to plan it. I, you know, I feel like I'm just beating this drum and hopefully somebody listening is going to hear this and go, oh, I'm going to plan, plan some sex. And if you do this, please email us and let us know how it went because we, we're very interested.
[00:29:22] Speaker B: You know, another good analogy too is if you have a big trip coming up, right? Like you have a big vacation, you're looking forward to it and you're researching and you're excited about it. And for some people, I think I'm one of those people. And don't get me wrong, I love going on trips. But the anticipation, the planning leading up to the trip is at least just as fun in some ways. And all of that beautiful planning leading into the trip is what helps to make that trip go beautifully.
[00:29:51] Speaker A: Yeah, I really feel like this spontaneous orgasm as a goal driven sex really leaves the anticipation out. Yeah, like we're missing that part. And that's the part that's so important for women. I think you're the one, Amy, who says, you know, foreplay starts when you wake up in the morning. It doesn't start two minutes before sex begins. Like it starts like 24 hours ahead of time and like you're building the anticipation. And that's part of the way women are easily going to move from her head and into her body and enjoy this sex so much more.
[00:30:28] Speaker B: Absolutely. When you are just busy and doing your day in and day out, you're packing lunches, you, you're doing all that stuff and you're not touching, you're not really interacting. It's just, hey, you're going here. Hey, I'm going here. And then you get up into the bedroom and he's like, you know, pawing you, you're like, versus if you're going throughout your day and there's a little hug and there's a kiss and there's a, oh, you're looking cute today and oh, I miss you, you know, and there's some flirtation and just very fun, easy. This isn't a big thing. Like, this isn't. Planning sex doesn't have to be an enormous thing, though certainly it can be sometimes. But just staying. And it's those little touches, those little connections, so that then by the time you get up into the bedroom, you already have a lot of positive feelings. You're looking forward to things. And then when you know the touching and the all of that stuff starts, then you're a lot more receptive and open. Do it.
[00:31:26] Speaker A: So all those little things are emotional intimacy. And I think that's why it's nurturing women. It's. It's filling her soul because you're, you know, you're emotionally connecting with her. And that, for a lot of women, is. Is the important thing.
[00:31:44] Speaker B: Yeah. Women need to feel loved to want sex, and men need sex to feel loved.
All right, number two, reframe your intention. Shift your expectation from having an orgasm to creating space for intimacy and pleasure. Focus on the journey, not the destination. Love Aerosmith.
[00:32:07] Speaker A: So I want you to stop for a moment and think about the best sex that you've ever had in your life. And I want you to walk yourself through the day, details of what happened during that sexual experience.
[00:32:22] Speaker B: So did you think about the orgasm? Was there even an orgasm? Most likely these memories are not about the orgasm, but instead they are about the energy, the sensuality of that moment.
[00:32:36] Speaker A: So did you feel empowered? Did you feel sexy? Did you surrender? Or did you take control? And how can you bring that dynamic into your next six?
[00:32:47] Speaker B: Another great idea is to create a pleasure practice, which means dropping into the little moments of pleasure that we have daily.
[00:32:57] Speaker A: Maybe it's a quiet cup of tea or a warm bath, or sitting outside and letting the sun warm your body.
[00:33:06] Speaker B: Life offers us these moments all the time, but we are often scrolling, multitasking, or too rushed to slow down and appreciate them.
[00:33:17] Speaker A: Yeah, this is something that I, as I age, I'm really aware of. And I'm always doing, like. I'm always trying to just, like, stop and look around and start paying attention to what's happening around me. Because I'm, as you know, Amy, I'm very focused. And I find that just taking that second, it's a second to look around and notice things, it really helps to engage with your body.
[00:33:47] Speaker B: Yeah, I've. I've worked with clients.
The client that I mentioned before, you know, who didn't feel, you know, who felt all this guilt about pleasure. And I was like, let's work on a daily pleasure practice that has nothing to do with sex and intimacy, but it's just experiencing pleasure and allowing your body to experience that, allowing your mind to experience that. Because the more you practice, the Easier it'll be. And, you know, I. I will fully admit I'm in a stage of my life right now where I am in that rushed, rushed, rushed mode all the time. And I keep telling myself, slow down. I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna get there. You know, I think it's something that happens somewhere in your 40s, somewhere in your 40s, you realize that it becomes a essential. And I'm. I'm hitting that point. And so this is just such a good reminder that it's important to slow down and enjoy these moments because they're going faster and faster.
Yeah.
[00:34:43] Speaker A: For those ladies that were at the networking function with me saying, you know, I want to start tapping into my sensuality, I just don't know where to start. This is where you start where you just are taking a moment to have some tea. Like. Like the. The warmth is the tea, the taste of the tea or the bath, or like the things, those things, like, they're not doing with a partner. You're doing it by yourself. But that is the start, is where you're tapping into yourself and your sensual pleasure.
Speaking of tapping into your sensual pleasure, number three is to focus on your body's sensation. So after you reframe your intentions and open your mind, your body is going to need some help too.
[00:35:29] Speaker B: So instead, focus on your senses and what you are feeling throughout the entire time. The pleasure that you experience during sex shouldn't be reduced to a singular moment.
[00:35:43] Speaker A: There are so many sensations to take note of during sex other than an orgasm. So you can notice the feel of your partner's skin, the sensation of their touch, the temperature in the air on your skin, or anything on your body that is tingling and pulsing.
[00:36:01] Speaker B: You might find that you're able to tap into a sensation in the erogenous zones, like the nipples, thighs, buttocks, lips, or ears.
[00:36:10] Speaker A: So another idea is to massage yourself or rub a vibrator all over your body to wake up your body's nerves. And this is going to help prep you to receive pleasure.
[00:36:23] Speaker B: One part of prepping for sex, perhaps. Again, maybe it's a weeknight evening and you don't have a lot of time, but you're like, I'm going to make some time for this. I know it's going to take some time for my body to get aroused. You know, your partner's taking a shower, go ahead and pull out the vibrator. Start things up. You know, wake up your senses.
[00:36:43] Speaker A: Amy and I are giving you permission to bring the vibrator out and get Yourself warmed up. And you don't just have to put this vibrator on your clit. You can put it all over your body and just start feeling your body and. And those wonderful sensations.
[00:37:02] Speaker B: So number four is pay attention to your breath. Your breath is always a available to you as a tool, and this can help anchor you to the present.
[00:37:14] Speaker A: Yeah, I feel like breath is such an overlooked thing. It's so easy and it brings so much context and texture to a sexual experience. So please notice if at any point you're constricting your breath. Try to take long, deep breaths all the way down to your abdomen.
[00:37:36] Speaker B: And be aware if your breath changes or if it restricts during different forms of pleasure.
[00:37:41] Speaker A: So here's my pro tip. And maybe I do this all the time because it feels so good. So what you do is you engage your pelvic floor by doing kegels. So you breathe deeply into your belly and your pelvis. You tilt your pelvis while squeezing your kegels and your breathing. And I promise you, you're going to feel a very wonderful and different sensation in your vagina.
[00:38:09] Speaker B: Do a few of these reps to bring energy flow to your pelvic floor, and this will help prepare your body for pleasure. I will caution you, though, if you do this during intercourse, that's going to be the end of the evening for your partner.
[00:38:26] Speaker A: So number five is be aware of your thoughts before, during, and after sex. So thoughts like, we need to hurry up and get this along, or I'm not even close to orgasm, I might as well wait this one out, or.
[00:38:40] Speaker B: What'S wrong with me? Why can't I get into this? Or I'm bored and my partner isn't even close to finishing.
[00:38:46] Speaker A: So instead of telling your thoughts to stop, try to notice them when they occur and then let them go.
[00:38:55] Speaker B: Don't pass judgment on yourself for thinking these thoughts during sex. Everybody does this at some point. So just acknowledge the thoughts, brush them aside, and then come back into your intention of staying present in the experience.
[00:39:12] Speaker A: So I feel, Amy, I know that I wrote this, but I feel like these five things are very doable. Like they're not. You know how we discussed at start of the podcast that nice man I was talking to? He was confused and I just wonder if he listened to these five things if it would be less confusing for him.
[00:39:29] Speaker B: Yeah, these five things are very doable. I go through some version and different exercises to help practice all of these things with the vast majority of my coaching clients. And it's a great way to you know, focus in focusing on your breathing, just giving yourself permission to experience pleasure and, you know, just going through these steps. Pick one, go back, choose just one that we've shared with you here and apply that into your bedroom and you're going to see a significant difference.
[00:40:06] Speaker A: So the point of this podcast was to start paying attention to how you're having orgasm as the goal she comes first sex and then switch it into more sensuality. And so the next time you start to feel the orgasm goal creep into your headspace, I want you to focus on the energy of the moment instead.
[00:40:32] Speaker B: It's like a dance. We never think about what's next in the song or how it'll end. We just dance.
[00:40:40] Speaker A: Isn't there a song?
[00:40:43] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:40:45] Speaker A: So in this podcast, what you learned is most of us assume that reaching orgasm is like crossing the finish line to sex. You might even wonder if sex is worth having without at least one climactic moment.
[00:40:59] Speaker B: And most women don't want and eventually resent the pressure to perform an orgasm first on command with every sexual encounter.
[00:41:10] Speaker A: We then discussed why pleasure is necessary and we gave five ways to create more sensual pleasure.
[00:41:19] Speaker B: One. Be clear about your resistance to planning.
[00:41:22] Speaker A: Number two, reframe your intention.
[00:41:26] Speaker B: Three. Focus on sensations.
[00:41:29] Speaker A: Number four, pay attention to your breath.
[00:41:32] Speaker B: And number five, become aware of your thoughts before, during and after sex.
[00:41:38] Speaker A: So please, when you want to have orgasm focused sex, please focus on the journey and not the orgasm destination.
[00:41:48] Speaker B: That's it for us.
[00:41:50] Speaker A: Until next time.
[00:41:51] Speaker B: Stay sexy on next week's episode of the Sensational Sex Podcast.
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[00:42:45] Speaker A: Good Sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Go to trina reid.com and check out my award winning books the Sexual Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for my Success newsletter to get weekly freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
