[00:00:02] Speaker A: Welcome to the Sensational Sex Podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week and take a small step. Soon enough you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media at Sensational Sex Podcast Share this episode, return next week, leave a review and thank you so much for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Hello beautiful people. Thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy for you to come along on this ride.
[00:00:56] Speaker A: And even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you and we are here to help you with that.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: Chances are you believe that everyone is having better sex than you are.
[00:01:12] Speaker A: But what if your divorce friends really are getting their second sexual wind and living their best sexual life while you're trudging along eking it out in a mediocre sex life in your marriage or partnership?
[00:01:28] Speaker B: On this Sensational Sex Podcast episode, we're diving into why the sex grass is always greener. On the divorced side you'll find out.
[00:01:38] Speaker A: Why we believe other people have better sex than us, which is sex, fomo, jealousy, and why it's okay to want a more interesting sex life without having to get divorced or step out on your partner.
[00:01:52] Speaker B: And at the end of this podcast, we'll get into four ways that you can make your sex fresh and fun. We have a lot to cover, so let's get started.
[00:02:01] Speaker A: We do so when I ask the average person how much sex they should be having, they will inevitably say three times a week. Like three times a week is the magic sex number.
[00:02:14] Speaker B: It's some kind of societal myth, and to be clear, it's not necessarily what couples want, it's what they think that they should be doing.
[00:02:24] Speaker A: So what we know from large scale sex research is that sexual frequency for the average couple is a bit less than once per week, and that would be about three times per month.
[00:02:37] Speaker B: And if you're in the 35 to 45 year old age range, it's more likely to be around twice per month.
[00:02:43] Speaker A: A third of people under the age of mid 440 haven't had any sex at all in the last month, meaning it's normal not to be having any sex.
[00:02:55] Speaker B: So couples don't need to have sex three times a week. It's about making the times that you do have it passionate, meaningful, and full of mutual communication. Yeah.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: So I feel like there's a huge disconnect between what people think they should be having and what's actually happening. And, you know, the people are like, well, other people are having sex three times a week, so why can't. What's wrong with me that I can't have sex three times a week when in actuality people are having sex maybe once every couple weeks?
[00:03:28] Speaker B: I think the other thing is when they're comparing to this three times a week, we also don't know what the quality of that three times a week sex is. Right. Maybe, maybe the couple that they know is having sex three times a week, but it is fast sex. It is get it done sex. It is not passionate, it's not meaningful sex. And so they're just doing it because they're trying to hit the standard or because they've decided they're gonna have sex three times a week. And having less sex, that's more quality sex can really be a lot more meaningful.
[00:04:04] Speaker A: So I do know couples who have good sex three times a week, you know, and that's just their deal. And I feel like that's the, that's the measurement and it's not the measurement, that's just the way they have sex. But we feel like that's where we should be too, and it's not. I feel like people feel so insecure with coming up with their own couple normal, whatever that couple normal is. And sometimes that's once a month. But I promise you, if you have amazing toe curling sex once a month, it's so much better than trying to force something like just, you know, sex once a week, where it's a chore and you might be like you're putting these numbers in your head thinking, well, how could sex once a month possibly be satiating and satisfying? Well, you know, I think that's the insecurity couples have is like coming up with their, their number that's good for them.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: I think that it's very important for us to all realize that every couple is different, every relationship is different. The needs that each person is bringing into that relationship is different. And we've talked about this in our how much Sex is Normal podcast and a few other ones. But again, I think finding the cadence that works for you where both members of the couple are feeling like they're getting what they want out of the sex. And again, whether that's once a month or three times a week, or once every Six months. If. If that's working for you, then that's completely okay. It's this comparison piece that I think a lot of people get stuck in, for sure.
[00:05:42] Speaker A: So when it comes to the sex lives of others, there is a startling gap in perception versus the reality.
[00:05:51] Speaker B: So we imagine that other people are having much more sex than we are, and the reasons why are hardwired into our animal instincts and then fueled by our unconscious biases.
[00:06:03] Speaker A: So can you give us an example, Amy, of an unconscious bias?
[00:06:08] Speaker B: So research shows that we think young people have a lot more sex than they actually do. Men have a very skewed bias of a young woman's sex life.
[00:06:19] Speaker A: So in the book the Perils of Perception, it asked people in Britain and in the US to guess how often people aged 18 to 29, their own country had sex in the past four weeks.
[00:06:34] Speaker B: So the average guess for young men in both countries has them having sex 14 times in the last month. The actual number is five in Britain and four in the United States.
[00:06:46] Speaker A: So our unconscious bias believes that young men have sex every other day around 180 times a year, compared to the reality of around 50 times per year.
[00:07:01] Speaker B: And men believed that young women have sex 22 times a month in Britain and 23 times a month in the.
[00:07:09] Speaker A: United States, which would be the equivalent of the average young woman having sex every weekday, plus two or three times on weekends.
[00:07:18] Speaker B: That sounds like wishful thinking to me.
That's a lot of sex. But in reality, the actual number was around five times per month.
[00:07:29] Speaker A: So I don't know where this comes from, where this idea that women are having sex every single day. Maybe because they can. Like, maybe if, like, if a woman wanted to have sex every single day and on weekends, she could and have it with a different partner each and every time. And maybe that's what men are thinking, is they have that opportunity, whereas men don't necessarily have that same opportunity.
[00:07:53] Speaker B: Yeah, I think there's certainly a lot of wishful thinking in here. And. And yeah, just this thought that if women want to have all of the sex, they could easily have all of this sex, because as we've talked about, women are the gatekeepers of sex. So if we. If that gate's wide open, then we're going to be having all the sex. Right.
[00:08:11] Speaker A: So, Amy, why do we think that other people have better sex than us?
[00:08:16] Speaker B: First, people tend to inflate their sex lives by only sharing the highlights, such as a few weekends of hookups, and they don't share the rest of the time.
[00:08:27] Speaker A: So People are only going to share about the three weekends that they did hook up and not about the 49 weekends that they did not.
[00:08:35] Speaker B: Second, sex happens behind closed doors, and therefore we're unable to observe what the social norms really are.
[00:08:43] Speaker A: And because we don't have access to real life comparative information, we turn to other authoritative sources and the sex that.
[00:08:53] Speaker B: It'S available from TV shows or porn or playground or locker room chat, dubious surveys and salacious media coverage.
[00:09:02] Speaker A: Yeah, and these all provide extreme examples and distort our views of what reality actually is. So I know so many married men who will not accept that on average, married couples will have more sex more often than their single friends.
[00:09:22] Speaker B: But what if you're married and your newly divorced friends are having amazing sex and you're not?
[00:09:30] Speaker A: You may have experienced your married friends talking about kids and husbands and television and work, and your divorced friends friends talking about their sex life.
[00:09:41] Speaker B: And if this is true for you, you're experiencing what is called cognitive dissonance around your divorce friend's sexual adventures, meaning you are happy in your marriage and you have no plans of leaving your partner or stepping out. But you want the other parts that you're hearing about.
[00:09:57] Speaker A: And a lot can change in 15 years of being a couple, especially for women who have spent years focusing on their marriage and family.
[00:10:07] Speaker B: And it's okay and completely normal if you want that freshness and that vitality and to be really interested in your sexuality again.
[00:10:16] Speaker A: And maybe you already felt this during the great relationship reckoning of the COVID pandemic, or maybe you're like, me and your kids are preparing to leave the nest.
[00:10:28] Speaker B: And once you remove these usual distractions and this external stimulus stimuli, couples are forced to really start to look into their relationships and the quality of their sex lives.
[00:10:41] Speaker A: So there's research to show that only 38 to 42% of women are satisfied with their sex life. And while that number increases slightly in men, the majority of couples aren't fully satisfied with their sex life.
[00:10:55] Speaker B: Whereas your divorced friends may be emerging into this new, new sex world and exciting and liberating, and they're going on dating apps and they're having fun and they're being inventive and having just these exciting experiences in the bedroom.
[00:11:10] Speaker A: And so it's understandable if you're jealous of your friend's ability to explore their sexuality and desires. And not just that, but that new phase of, of a relationship where the sex is amazing. So you know your partner can fart in the shower and you're like, oh my God, I'm so turned on. Yeah, just farted off.
[00:11:27] Speaker B: He's naked. Who cares?
[00:11:29] Speaker A: You know, like, your partner can do anything and you're just turned on because you're in that new phase. And I understand if you feel jealous of your friends who get to experience this again, because it is a wonderful time in a relationship.
[00:11:45] Speaker B: I had a friend of mine who got divorced, and, you know, obviously they'd gotten divorced or their relationship had just been in a terrible, terrible place, and she got out and just went wild, you know, and she was going to these clubs and having threesomes and, you know, just. And it was. It was really, for me, as a sexologist, it was really beautiful and fascinating to see. And of course, she was doing all of this of her own choice, of her own volition. But as she would relay these stories in a group of women, I could see these reactions from all these other women with, like, held back judgment and things like that. But I think. But also everyone wanted to hear the stories. Everyone wanted to hear about how she'd fulfilled her fantasy of xyz. And I thought it was awesome. I was like, look, I was like, you were stuck in that relationship. You hadn't been able to do all of these things, and now you are choosing to go have all of these experiences that you want to have. And, like, good for you for embracing that. But. But I think it can be really hard sometimes for other people to hear and not view it with judgment or jealousy.
[00:12:55] Speaker A: You know, like, it's. Yeah, because you're sitting there and you're trying to make this relationship work, and you don't have the advantage of the brand new relationship hormones. You don't have, you know, like, your libido isn't just set off immediately as soon as this person looks at you like, it's. Sex has become work. So I get it.
[00:13:12] Speaker B: And I think you also don't have that freedom of every other weekend without kids. And I know that that time without kids can also be very lonely and challenging for a lot of divorced women because they're used to having, obviously, their children and, you know, their husband, even their ex husband around, but them stepping into, you know, exploring these other things. But, yeah, it does. It can trigger a lot of jealousy. And it's like, gosh, I, you know, I'm never gonna be able to do that. And I don't want to divorce my husband. I really like the guy, but how are we ever gonna be able to, like, do that?
[00:13:51] Speaker A: You can't. And that's the point. Like, you'll never get that back again. And you have to. But there are things that you can do to make this relationship you're in even better. So that's the point is, you know, like you have to look at what you can do instead of what you cannot do.
[00:14:09] Speaker B: So what if you do want more sex? Around 54% of men and 42% of women want sex more frequently. And they often cite busyness as getting in the way.
[00:14:23] Speaker A: So studies suggest that having sex once per week is the Goldilocks good amount of sex for a long term relationship and it's happiness.
So here should be your aha moment. That is what you want as a couple versus what you need as a couple when it comes to the amount of sex you're having.
[00:14:45] Speaker B: So many couples want sex more often because they believe that more sex is going to equal more couple happiness. But increased frequency is not what this couple actually needs.
[00:14:59] Speaker A: Rather than focusing on sexual frequency, couples need to work on building emotional intimacy or the erotic threads or the simmering of anticipation between sexual encounters which will then create an environment where sexual intimacy can feel safe and desirable.
[00:15:17] Speaker B: So let's look at the positive. We really need to give some credit to our divorced friends with nudging us to towards this idea that we need to up our long term relationship sex.
[00:15:29] Speaker A: Game to say to yourself, well, why shouldn't I get to enjoy sex now too?
[00:15:36] Speaker B: To shatter this myth that too many women internalize that after 45 your sex life is just going to devolve into once a month missionary. Just keep the relationship going, take one for the team sex.
[00:15:47] Speaker A: It doesn't have to be this way. And you do not have to believe the narrative that there's nothing exciting in midlife sex and that the only way to find it is to get divorced or to have an affair.
[00:15:59] Speaker B: There's many studies that have shown that couples sexual happiness increases as we go into 40s and 50s. And it's not because of frequency, because the frequency is actually going down, but because as things in life change as kids leave the house, maybe as there's health challenges or things like that, that couple is forced to change the way that they've been having sex. And often what that brings in is more creativity out of necessity. And you know, they say necessity is the mother of invention.
[00:16:36] Speaker A: Well, it's also, you know, when, when as you get older things start breaking down and like your knees don't work and you know, I don't know if you have bad knees, but if you like trying to get in some position with bad Knees, you know, like, so you're, like, you're figuring this out, out as a couple. You, you know, and you feel safe with this person to say, okay, like, I can't have intercourse this way. And you know that about me and you still love me and accept me. But even though, like, it's not, you know, we've got to work around this. Like, there's all these little things that we don't realize are important to help us feel safe in our sexual experience when we're with a long term partner.
[00:17:16] Speaker B: And I think the other thing is, you know, you hear, okay, once you get married, you don't have to get blowjobs anymore or, yeah, sex is just gonna, it's just gonna slowly get worse and worse and worse and you're just going to give up. But when you say, no, this is not okay, I don't want to just give up.
I'm going to confront these challenges, whatever it is that's happening in our lives, whether it's bad knees or perimenopause or erectile dysfunction. But we're going to look at, see what these challenges are and we're going to change the way that we're experiencing this. We're going to talk about it, and we're going to figure out a new way of making this work for us in our lives right now. In the second half of this podcast, we're going to discuss how you can make up your own new sexual narrative.
[00:18:00] Speaker A: That's exciting.
[00:18:01] Speaker B: We're going to take a one minute. Make happy sex memories with a new Eve choose love moment.
[00:18:07] Speaker A: Getting the quality of your life back with a healthy vulva and happy vagina is only one click away. Are you a woman over 40 who finds sex uncomfortable?
[00:18:18] Speaker B: Then listen up because we have the solution for you.
[00:18:22] Speaker A: When Dr. Renji Chang turned 55, many of her friends, co workers and neighbors had the same crazy thing happen to their marriages.
[00:18:34] Speaker B: And no one talked about it, but everyone talked about it.
[00:18:39] Speaker A: After 25 years of happy marriage, the husband goes on a business trip to Asia and never comes home.
[00:18:47] Speaker B: Their husbands all ran away with new girlfriends.
So much pain and heartbreak. Marriages and families were broken.
[00:18:56] Speaker A: And why did this happen?
[00:18:59] Speaker B: The easy answer is that men are.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: But Dr. Renji Chang, as a scientist and a gynecologist, did not think that was the whole answer. So she dug in deeper.
[00:19:14] Speaker B: She discovered that after menopause, 30% of women experience issues that made sex so painful that it became impossible. And she found that no more sex was the first domino and divorce was the last. Domino.
[00:19:29] Speaker A: Dr. Chang wanted to help save these marriages, so she invented nuve. Nuve is a natural remedy that works, using nutrients taken by both orally, topically, and vaginally to nourish your tissues, promoting collagen and elasticity, and restoring your body's normal sexual functions.
[00:19:52] Speaker B: Nueve has custom formulations for dryness, painful sex, bacterial vaginosis, chronic UTIs, bladder prolapse, cytolytic vaginosis, vaginismus, aerobic vaginitis, and much more.
[00:20:10] Speaker A: If painful sex or other intimate health issues are affecting your relationship, Nuve offers a natural, effective solution.
[00:20:20] Speaker B: Order NUIV today and start your journey back to a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Your body deserves it.
[00:20:27] Speaker A: And here's even better news. Our affiliate link in the description will get you a 5% discount. Simply use the code SSP and remember.
[00:20:39] Speaker B: When you take care of your vulva, she will take good care of you. And we're back with our sex IQ question.
In general, who has more sex, Single people or people in committed relationships? A, single people, B, people in committed relationships, or C, it's about the same amount.
[00:21:03] Speaker A: So the answer is B, people who are in relationships. So according to data, single people generally have less sex frequently than those in committed relationships, with the exact frequency varying widely depending on individual factors like age, lifestyle, and dating habits.
[00:21:23] Speaker B: So generally, having sex once a week or more is considered a frequent and healthy amount of by most sex therapists and researchers. However, and we can't emphasize this enough, there is no normal amount of sex. What's important here is that individuals feel comfortable with their own sexual activity level.
[00:21:43] Speaker A: And because every single person is different, there is no single average frequency for sex for single people. So the average single person has sex about once or twice a month.
[00:21:56] Speaker B: Studies show that younger single people tend to have sex more frequently than older single people, which makes sense. Yeah, that does make sense.
[00:22:05] Speaker A: They don't have responsibilities.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. I, I think it's probably because of, you know, the stories that we're hearing from divorced friends or even just looking back at our single days through probably an unrealistic lens. You know, there's tons of studies that have shown that when we look back at memories, generally speaking, we're going to remember the most positive things and kind of the rote, the boring, all of that just kind of filters out. And so, you know, thinking, oh, these people who are dating are having so much more sex, but I think they are having less because primarily of accessibility. Right. We have a lot more accessibility in a committed relationship when we have somebody that is there readily available and you don't have to, you know, take them out for dinner. Well, you should take them out for dinner first.
[00:22:55] Speaker A: But, you know, I've also heard a lot of stories where people are unhappy with what's happening in their sex life. You know, like they're meeting people and the sex isn't great. Like, it's, it's not a lot different than when we were 20. We just have a lot of different issues going on with our body. So, you know, men aren't able to get it up or her vagina's dry or, you know, like these, there's these other issues that are complicating things. So for me, it seems like sex isn't that much different than it was in our 20s before we got partnered up with someone. It's just our bodies are not working as well as they used to. And so, you know, it just makes things a little more difficult. So I'm not really sure that like, other than having the, the news, the new sex vibes, which are wonderful and every, like, that's the most amazing feeling ever. You know, there's other things that are complicating the, the sexual experience. And I don't think that's being talked about enough.
[00:23:58] Speaker B: Agreed. I also think looking back at my dating sex days, which were a very long time ago, but I had a lot of very meaty, not a lot, but I had, I'll say a lot. I mean, whatever. It wasn't a lot. Doesn't really matter. No, but I. The sex that I had in my dating days wasn't great. It really wasn't because I didn't know my body. I didn't, I hadn't experienced an orgasm. So I certainly wasn't able to show or explain that to a partner. And of course, they didn't know what they were doing either. So, you know, the sex that I had when I was dating really wasn't all that fantastic. And I would, hands down, across the board, 100% take the sex that I'm having now over any of that sex.
[00:24:46] Speaker A: Mind you, if I was to get into a brand new relationship now, I would not tolerate things that I tolerated when I was 20.
No, no, no, no. You got to do this. Like, you know, like. And it wouldn't even be a question. It would just be like, this is what's happening. And maybe that's why for women who are getting their sex sec. Second sexual win, there they are expressing themselves. And that, that's a very liberating feeling. It's just, you know, I, they've come into themselves and they're not putting up with that BS anymore. And, you know, that must feel amazing.
[00:25:19] Speaker B: I think that, I think that is why divorced sex probably does seem. And there's the perception of it, that it is so fantastic, because I would think women in that position do know themselves better. They are better able to ask for what they want. But then I also hear the flip side where, you know, they get on the dating apps and they're like, it's awful, you know, like just the people that you meet and they just want sex or whatever. And so, you know, I think that there's the, the upside of it and there's definitely the dark side of it too.
[00:25:53] Speaker A: Yeah. So this is the part of the podcast where we put on our sexologist hats and give you concrete and practical tools to help your sexual situation.
[00:26:02] Speaker B: The question is, are your friends having better sex than you are?
[00:26:09] Speaker A: And the truthful answer is maybe, but you can easily change that. And we're going to give you four practical ideas. So I want you to pick one of these ideas and actually follow through with it.
[00:26:22] Speaker B: So let's start at the start with a friendly sex ed reminder. When it comes to sex, quality always beats out quantity. So please don't get hung up on how often you're having sex or how long you're spending on it.
[00:26:36] Speaker A: Research shows that when people force themselves to have sex more often and double their sexual frequency, it actually backfires and makes sex feel more like a chore than anything else.
[00:26:48] Speaker B: Number one is build a non sex erotic thread. Simmering connection with emotional intimacy. Be aware and wary if you're putting an over emphasis on sex as a means of emotional connection.
[00:27:02] Speaker A: And Amy and I get this, you know, having sex is just such an efficient way to have that emotional connection that helps you feel clean closer by releasing oxytocin. That helps you have the trust and bonding. And in fact, one of my friends said, you know, if it's been a while since you've had sex and then you have sex, it's almost like all the bad vibes leave the house because you've just, you know, you feel connected and closer to that person. You know, it doesn't take a lot of effort, but that shouldn't be your only way to feel that connection.
[00:27:36] Speaker B: It really will be setting your relationship up, up for failure. If you're using sex to carry that full weight of the connectedness, probably going.
[00:27:45] Speaker A: To force you to have duty sex. And by this I mean checking a box, scheduling something just to maintain a.
[00:27:52] Speaker B: Minimum and too Often this is going to turn into lifeless sex and this is going to leave the couple feeling dissatisfied and not emotionally connected.
[00:28:02] Speaker A: So only when the relationship is given a promise, appropriate care and regular attention, that the sex is going to switch from something that just happens to your body, you just have a orgasm, to something that is sensual, emotional, creating a lot of intimacy which is infinitely more soul quenching and satisfying for you and your partner.
[00:28:24] Speaker B: Cultivating a healthy environment for good sex is an all day everyday process and it begins with non sexual touch. And this is especially true for men.
[00:28:36] Speaker A: So if touching has become a negative trigger, meaning you feel like your partner just wants sex when they touch you, then it's time to have a lot of non sexual touch outside the bedroom. This is going to help you both learn the way to non sexually touch and emotionally connect with each other.
[00:28:55] Speaker B: When I have couples that come to me and they are not having sex or they're having sex very infrequently and they're unhappy about it, which is why they've come to me, one of the first things we talk about is I, you know, I say when you guys are just hanging out in the room together, you know what, what are you guys doing? Are you guys on opposite side of the rooms? Are you sitting next to each other? And inevitably I hear a feeling. One of my clients put this really beautifully. She's like, we're in the same room but we're not together. So he'll be sitting there on his iPad, I'll be sitting here watching tv. And we're just in two separate places on our minds on two different things. And so even though we're next to each other, we're not connecting at all.
[00:29:39] Speaker A: Yeah, and it doesn't take a lot to connect. It just, it's, it's a conscious effort, Right. So you, you put your iPad down, you turn the TV off or you know, you just, but you then turn to each other and it takes, I don't know, two minutes to do that where you just look at each other and smile. I don't know what you do, but it doesn't take a lot of effort to turn that around. And I think the more that you do this, the more you start feeling connected to your partner and you start feeling that, oh, you know, it's actually nice when we do this. And I really like this and it's giving me lots of benefits.
[00:30:16] Speaker B: Growing up we had one TV in the house and, and even back then people usually had multiple TVs. And one thing that I never wanted for my family was. And I was like, we're only ever gonna have one TV because I want us to all be in the same room spending time together, watching a show together. Now, did that turn out to be a bit of a lofty goal? Yes, because now with phones and iPads and all that stuff, it's not just about the tv. But I think James and I do do very perfect, purposefully, is intentionally come and he will come and sit down with me and watch one of my silly reality shows and we, you know, hold hands. And I know he thinks they're silly, but he gets really drawn into them by the way. He gets very invested in them. And I mean, I despise football. I. Watching sports is just not my favorite. I have a few that I enjoy watching more these days. But I'll go sit down and, you know, just sit with them and hold hands and just make sure our legs are touching. And it's just. And again, that's that simmering, right? It's just keeping that connection. He's not doing it to try to initiate sex with me that night. He's just doing it just to be like, hey, I just want to be next to you. I enjoy that. Emotional connection number two is taking charge of your sexual happiness. And this is something that we talk about a lot on this podcast.
[00:31:32] Speaker A: So it isn't easy to take responsibility for how women tend to be a passive player in her sexual experience and how that's impacting her sexual happiness.
[00:31:44] Speaker B: So you can start out small by being the initiator. You state your desire and you own your desire. For example, become comfortable giving your partner directions. A little to the left, a little to the right.
[00:31:56] Speaker A: And the thing about the majority of men is they like to have directions. They want us to tell them what we want. So. And also our partners really, really, really want us to enjoy our experience. So giving directions to men, it's difficult for us, but it's actually doing our guys a favor.
[00:32:18] Speaker B: So how realistic is this? How realistic is it for a woman to tell and or show her partner how she wants to be stimulated? If you're curious, we talked about how to do this in our episode on communication.
[00:32:33] Speaker A: So please stop censoring yourself. If you were in a brand new relationship and you were directing this new person with these new love drugs, chances are you would tell this person exactly what you thought. So please, with your own partner, be more open with what's going on with you, your options, observations, or thoughts that come to mind as you're having sex with them.
[00:32:57] Speaker B: The Next piece of this is learning how to deal with any underlying past shame or body shame. These shames do not go away as we age and in fact, sometimes they can get even more challenging. Push back against those shames because that changes how you feel about your body and sex.
[00:33:17] Speaker A: Taking charge for women is pretty tricky, but I feel like we're at an age now that we can start stepping up and saying, this is what we need. And if you want to have that same level of sex that your divorced friends are having, you have to step up and say, this is what I need to have out of this sexual experience, otherwise it's not going to happen.
So our third practical, practical tip is notice your sexual scripts and where you've fallen into a worn out sex pattern that may have turned into a sex rut.
[00:33:53] Speaker B: A very common sex rut is where one partner, typically the man, always initiates.
[00:34:00] Speaker A: So if this is your relationship, this is such an easy fix to become an initiator. It sounds really small, but it's forcing you to state your desire and tell your partner what you want them to do to you.
[00:34:13] Speaker B: And owning that is an excellent start. You're out of the rut and you're onto a new path.
[00:34:19] Speaker A: So a common reframe here is women who are raising kids and running households feel like they're managing and controlling so many things and putting so much labor and forethought into keeping the wheels of their home life and work life moving.
[00:34:34] Speaker B: So this idea of managing or controlling or directing sex can kind of seem like this is more work. And it's very easy to get tired and just become more passive. So when you choose to become the initiator and take ownership of that path, that doesn't necessarily mean that you have to continue to manage and control the entire sexual experience. Unless you want to, of course. Course. But sometimes initiating that and doing that on a regular basis is going to be the key that is going to help kick you out of that sex rut.
[00:35:08] Speaker A: And I find that when you are initiating sex when you want it and you're creating that atmosphere that makes you feel good, that's going to give you a lot of sexual self confidence. And so it's a trade off, you know, like, yeah, you are taking control of one more thing in your life, but you're also gaining lot of sexual self confidence. And you know that translates to so many other areas in your life.
[00:35:31] Speaker B: And, and that continues to keep things simmering along, that's building that erotic thread. And I would bet that if you start initiating more Often. And you guys are having more positive sexual experiences because of that. That will also inspire your partner to try some new and different things to keep that simmering going.
[00:35:56] Speaker A: So our fourth recommendation is to say what you want. So set a goal that during sex you have to say at least one thing that you want to happen.
[00:36:06] Speaker B: And this can be really challenging for the majority of women. This might even take you months of practice.
[00:36:13] Speaker A: Yeah, you will see how it opens up your relationship and your communique. Amy and I, we've done a number of podcasts on the step by step of how to ask for what you want if you're not sure how.
[00:36:27] Speaker B: Sexual vitality doesn't just happen naturally. It has to be built with intention, otherwise it will not happen.
[00:36:36] Speaker A: So to wrap up this podcast, there's a good chance that your friends are not having more or better sexual than you.
[00:36:44] Speaker B: And yet there are so many reasons why we choose to shut down our sexuality over time. However, those can always be reversed.
[00:36:53] Speaker A: So the truth is, you're probably not going to have off the hook sex very often, but what you can have is something a lot more meaningful than what your divorce friends get to have right now.
[00:37:05] Speaker B: Emotional intimacy, erotic threads, sex simmering with anticipation can only happen when we feel safe, secure, and we're in a solid relationship.
[00:37:17] Speaker A: So your divorce friends get to have novel sex and you get to have soul quenching sex. It's a definite trade off.
[00:37:27] Speaker B: But I think there is, you know, and for any divorced women who may be listening to this right now, we're not knocking the sex that you're having as you're exploring this other aspect of your life. I think that there is a value that both of those can bring into how we feel, building our sexual confidence. So whether you are working on building more of that soul quenching sex or you're really enjoying that novel sex, all of it is good sex.
[00:37:55] Speaker A: Yeah. As long as you're taking control of your sex life. And I feel like that's what married women are envious about is this woman, you know, she's stepping into her sexual crime and she's taking control and it's like, why can't I do that? You know, we all can do that. We all have that ability. You know, I just feel like, because we feel like we're stuck in sexual scripts that we can't. But in fact, I really, I believe strongly that turning a sexual dynamic around is a lot easier than we believe it could be.
[00:38:27] Speaker B: So here's what we learned today on this podcast. Most people, people believe that other people are having better sex than they are.
[00:38:35] Speaker A: And when it comes to the sex life of others, there is a startling gap between perception and reality.
[00:38:43] Speaker B: Yet research shows that only 38 to 42% of women are satisfied with their sex life. And while that number increases slightly in men, most people are not fully satisfied with their sex lives.
[00:38:57] Speaker A: So we gave you four ways that you can stay married and have the same hanging off the chandelier sex your divorce friends are having right now.
[00:39:07] Speaker B: That's it for us.
[00:39:08] Speaker A: Until next time.
[00:39:09] Speaker B: Stay Sexy Are you struggling with lack of desire, mismatched sex drives, pain or peri or post menopausal shifts that affect your sex life? Are you crazy craving more pleasure and passion in the bedroom but you don't know where to start? At Suburban Intimacy, I offer a holistic blend of one to one coaching, educational workshops, online events, and curated biosexologist intimacy products. Book a complimentary discovery
[email protected] and while you're there, download your five free tips for Sexy schedule. Promote Sex Want to spice things up? Save 15% off your first order at suburbanintimacyshop.com with the code PODCAST15 is good.
[00:40:00] Speaker A: Sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Go to trina reid.com and check out my award winning books the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for My Success newsletter to get weekly freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
