[00:00:00] Speaker A: In this episode, you'll find out how you can download your free sexy checklist that you can do with yourself and even better, with your friends.
[00:00:10] Speaker B: Sexiness is being authentically yourself and we give you five characteristics of a sexy person.
[00:00:18] Speaker A: Amy and I then answer ten of the are you sexy? Quiz questions and you get to find out if we pass the sexiness test.
[00:00:29] Speaker B: Make sure to listen because this podcast will give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:00:36] Speaker A: We are thrilled to partner with Xenz, who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:00:44] Speaker C: Xsens has an amazing and luxurious cooling arousing gel that is perfect for those motivate me moments that we'll tell you about halfway through this podcast.
[00:00:55] Speaker A: We love what Xsens is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
[00:01:01] Speaker C: Check them out at xenz dash usa.com. that's exsens usa.com dot.
[00:01:10] Speaker D: Welcome to the sensational sex podcast, where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do.
Amy Rowan and doctor Trina Reid have the answers, and all you have to do is join us each week.
Soon youll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life.
Follow us on social media at sensationalsexpodcast. Share this episode, leave a review, and thank you for subscribing.
Let's start the show.
[00:01:56] Speaker E: Hello, beautiful people. I'm doctor Trina Reid and thank you for listening to the sensational sex podcast. We're so happy you're joining us.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that's perfect for you. And we're here to help you with that.
[00:02:15] Speaker E: Hey, Amy, nice t shirt.
[00:02:18] Speaker B: Thanks. I like your t shirt too.
Wait, do you have a coffee mug?
[00:02:24] Speaker E: I do.
[00:02:27] Speaker B: I love it. I need one.
[00:02:30] Speaker E: Amy, why does every listener need a motivate me t shirt and coffee mug?
[00:02:39] Speaker B: This is an easy way for you to learn to initiate sex and ask for what you want. This t shirt is like a swiss army knife. It's an easy way to initiate sex, communicate and ask for what she wants.
Imagine what your partner would say if they saw you wearing this.
[00:02:57] Speaker E: I know exactly what your partner's going to say when they see you wearing this.
[00:03:01] Speaker B: And it's going to be.
[00:03:03] Speaker E: It's going to be amazing. They're going to be so happy. Everybody's going to be happy. So if you want your very own motivate me t shirt and coffee mug. You're in luck. We're doing a limited sale from November 11 to 25th. Go to our website, sensationalsexpodcast.com to find out more.
[00:03:23] Speaker B: Pick yours up today and you have one more week to get it. You know what I really love about this, too, is you can wear this out and nobody would really know what this is, but for you and your partner, this is kind of a little inside joke.
[00:03:38] Speaker E: It's a secret code.
[00:03:40] Speaker B: Yeah, secret code. I love this. This is. This is the one. If your partner never quite picks up on your cues, or if you have made it a goal to initiate a little bit more, you can just put on your t shirt and they will be running to the bedroom with you.
[00:03:57] Speaker E: Yeah, it's, it's fun. Especially when you've been partnered for a long time and you have a secret sexual code. I mean, it's just an easy, fun way to inject sexiness into your partnership.
[00:04:11] Speaker B: And I love having a secret code, too. I had one client, a couple client of mine. Their secret code was, you want to give some Starbucks? So it's nice to have a way to signal to each other that it's something that you're both looking for, rather than just waiting for someone else to say the right thing or do the right thing.
[00:04:27] Speaker E: That's right. Especially when you can do it in front of your kids. And your kids have no idea. And that's even funnier because they're completely. They have no idea.
[00:04:38] Speaker B: Even better. Even better.
Well, in our last podcast, episode ten, we discussed feeling worthy. Feeling sexy and expressing your sexuality are rooted in feeling worthy. And on today's podcast, we're going to discuss what being sexy means.
[00:04:56] Speaker E: In the second half of our podcast, we're going to go through a sexy checklist that I developed. And as a thank you for listening to this podcast, we are going to tell you how you can download the sexy checklist for free. At the end of the podcast, you can share this checklist with all your gal pals. And in fact, a great idea is to go out with your friends, have a few margaritas, and answer the questions.
[00:05:24] Speaker B: I especially encourage you to go out with those friends that love to build you up. Because if you are feeling a little less than sexy, the best thing that you can do is go out with that friend, go through this sexy checklist, and anytime you've got a little doubt, have her tell you exactly how awesome you are.
[00:05:43] Speaker E: You know, I've always found one of the best. Aphrodisiacs is going out with your friends and having that lift from your friends. And then you come home to your partner and you're. You're feeling good about yourself and you want to get some. So this is just a fun, easy way to lift yourself up and your girlfriends?
[00:06:04] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely.
So what is sexy?
You know, you know it when you see it. But what are the qualities that make up someone being sexy?
[00:06:18] Speaker E: Yeah, we think of sexy as someone who looks good on the outside. But all the research points to sexiness coming from the inside. And I'm sure we've all heard that the sexiest women are the most confident women.
[00:06:33] Speaker B: So how can someone tap into that sexual confidence?
[00:06:37] Speaker E: The closer you get to being your most authentic self, the more self worth, self esteem, and confidence you will naturally have.
[00:06:48] Speaker B: So you're saying that sexiness is just being yourself.
You know, I actually, I love this. I agree with this. You know, something that I have said in many, many years of doing parties for women, intimacy, toy parties, was that sexiness begins in the brain. And the sexier we feel on the inside, the sexier we feel on the outside, and vice versa. And so it kind of really all builds on itself. So here are five characteristics of a sexy person.
[00:07:21] Speaker E: So, characteristic number one is you're comfortable in your own skin. Psychologists have known for decades that simply believing you are attractive increases your desirability by others, regardless of your physical appearance. Research predicts that one of the reasons confidence is so sexy is because it's hard for us to judge the value of a potential partner right away. We assume that people know themselves best, so we use their self confidence, or lack of it, as a gauge of how valuable they actually are as a partner.
[00:08:01] Speaker B: The second characteristic of someone who is sexy is that they know how to make other people feel good.
Someone who can make us feel good lights up the reward pathways in our brain, and it motivates us to want more. And this makes people want to share more of themselves with other people.
Charming people are charming because they are very interested in you.
[00:08:26] Speaker E: That's the truth. The third characteristic is you know your worth. People who know their own worth are selective about who they give their time and attention to, which means they will naturally be less available to someone with low self esteem.
[00:08:43] Speaker B: The next characteristic is that you have a great time. Studies found that people with fun and a great sense of humor were more successful romantically. We're drawn to fund people who we believe are better at communication and conflict resolution. And research validates that people who choose a more agreeable partner, cope better with difficult life circumstances and have higher levels of relationship satisfaction.
[00:09:09] Speaker E: The next characteristic is you have the courageous to be vulnerable.
Researchers who conducted a series of experiments on hundreds of participants found that vulnerability can be very alluring.
They named this the beautiful mess effect. And I think it's because we love seeing the raw truth and openness in other people because vulnerability is incredibly humanizing.
[00:09:36] Speaker B: And vulnerability is so scary. I think for a lot of people to open themselves up. Why do you think that is?
[00:09:45] Speaker E: So the base of authenticity and vulnerability is getting over the feeling of rejection. So if I put my real self out there and I'm vulnerable with you, you're going to reject me and that's a really hard thing to get over. And yet as this, as the studies show, when you can just be yourself and you can be your most vulnerable, that is the most alluring and sexy. So I think the reason that vulnerability and authenticity are so highly regarded is most people aren't brave enough to allow themselves to be authentic and vulnerable.
[00:10:28] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that especially in this world of social media and scrolling and everything looks so perfect and we just, we see this impossible standard of perfection everywhere. We see it. The perfect mom and the perfect house and the perfect body and the perfect boyfriend and the perfect vacation and all of that. And so many people strive for that, want that and want to be that for their partner. And so being vulnerable, admitting weaknesses, saying, I don't know this, I don't understand this is admitting that you're not perfect, which of course nobody's perfect, as we all know, yet actually saying that out loud, actually admitting that, can feel, again, so difficult. I think everyone has had some experience in the past where they were rejected or felt like a failure for not being perfect or not meeting some standard of whatever that was. And so I think that there's probably some micro traumas held inside and it just takes a lot of trust to be able to open up and say, I'm not perfect, I don't know how to do this, I don't know what I'm doing. Can you help me? Can you support me through this?
[00:11:44] Speaker E: And I also think when you've reached a place where you're comfortable with your authentic self and you're being vulnerable, you're less self absorbed, meaning you can put your attention on other people, which. So one of our characteristics was people find you agreeable and charming because you're interested in them. You're not necessarily self absorbed. Also, you're a lot more fun to be around because you're not worried about what other people are going to think about you. So all of these, all these characteristics coalesce into this idea of, you know, if you just can be yourself, and I know everybody's heard this, and if you can just be yourself, that is the most sexy.
[00:12:29] Speaker B: Yeah. I had a memory as we were talking through this of way back in my early twenties when I was going out dancing at clubs and things like that. And I used to, you know, I used to just go walk in and listen to the music and kind of hang out on the sidelines and, and watch. But I think I would just, I don't know, I wasn't purposely trying to do it, but I would just like sort of watch and nothing look interested and I was just sort of observing, watching and start dancing and stuff like that. I remember one night I just decided I was going to plaster the biggest smile on my face while I was dancing. And because I was like, I'm just, I'm just going to smile like. And it was a smile that I was feeling, but I was like, I'm also going to kind of purposefully smile just to see what happens.
I had so many guys hitting on me that just because I was smiling, the only difference between that night and any other night was that I looked like I was having a really, really good time and so many more people wanted to come be a part of that. Then I suppose maybe the more aloof or whatever look that I was giving previously, and I remember noting that, thinking, oh, isn't that interesting? Just looking like I'm having a really good time. And then of course that led to me actually having a good time. So there's a little bit of a fake it till you make it, sort of. But if you act like you're having a really good time, then you can actually really let go a lot of that other stuff and start having it.
[00:13:52] Speaker E: Yeah, so that's a great example. And I was the person at the bar dancing on the tables. But that's another story, that's another life. My kids don't need to know that.
[00:14:04] Speaker B: Oh, I know, I know. There's, there's some things, I mean, I don't think our kids are gonna be listening to this podcast, but yes, there's definitely some things we can, we can keep to ourselves there in the past. And now a word from our sponsor.
[00:14:16] Speaker C: What happens when you're not in the mood for sex and your partner is.
[00:14:20] Speaker A: Giving you the look instead of feeling pounced upon and not into it? You need to have a contingency plan. So initiation rituals will help to wake your body up in its arousal. And the best part is, it only takes a minute.
[00:14:38] Speaker C: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist from the sensational sex podcast.
[00:14:44] Speaker A: And I'm doctor Trina Reid. And a big thank you to xns for bringing you these sensual arousal tips.
[00:14:51] Speaker C: Has there ever been a time in your relationship when your partner was giving you that look? You know the one? Or maybe they were rubbing your leg or nuzzling your neck and you knew what was on their mind, but it was the the last thing on yours.
[00:15:06] Speaker A: Well, Amy, I've been married for 22 years.
[00:15:09] Speaker E: So what do you think?
[00:15:11] Speaker C: Exactly? We have all been there, and sometimes we just need a little motivation to get from eh to. Yeah. And that's where you need to grab the Xenz cooling arousal gel from your bedside table to give you a cooling zap of arousal.
[00:15:28] Speaker A: Now, you might be asking if arousal gel actually works, and I'm an academic, so I want to know if it actually works too.
One study which included 500 sexually active heterosexual women between the ages of 18.
[00:15:42] Speaker C: And 59, 79% of respondents noted that the arousal product met or exceeded expectations.
78% of respondents reported increased sensitivity in their genital area, and of these, over 90% believed that the gel made their intimate experience even better.
[00:16:05] Speaker A: And most agree that the gel enhanced arousal, orgasmic intensity, pleasure and satisfaction during their sexual activity.
[00:16:15] Speaker B: The best part?
[00:16:17] Speaker C: It's super easy to use. Apply a small drop to your clitoris, penis, nipples, or anywhere that cooling is desired to discover intense and explosive sensations.
[00:16:30] Speaker A: And here's my pro tip. Cooling arousal gels are super strong, so just use one little drop to start. You can always add more. And the best thing is there are up to 100 applications per bottle.
[00:16:46] Speaker C: This is best to apply yourself because partners can sometimes get carried away in the heat of the moment and they might think it's a lubricant. So keep this on your side of the bedside table.
[00:16:57] Speaker A: So there are three body safe and flavored arousal gels to choose from. There's raspberry mint, hot vanilla espresso, and the award winning ginger lychee.
[00:17:09] Speaker C: And best of all, it's body safe, vegan, paraben free, condom friendly, and there are no petroleum based ingredients.
[00:17:18] Speaker A: That's amazing. And it gets even better. So go right this second before something in your busy life gets you distracted. To the Xn's website, that's a xens dash USA.com and use the coupon code sensational and you will get 20% off.
[00:17:36] Speaker C: Are you curious to see what a cooling sensation can do for your sensual and sexual satisfaction. Of course you are.
[00:17:44] Speaker A: So make sure to have this discreet bottle of xns arousal gel in your bedside table and find out how it changes your sexual experience.
[00:17:54] Speaker B: All right, well, it is time to do our sex IQ.
[00:17:59] Speaker E: So our sex IQ question for this episode is, when a woman becomes sexually aroused, which of the following is responsible for releasing moisture into her vagina? A. The skene gland.
B. Bartholin's gland or cdna, the vaginal gland.
[00:18:22] Speaker B: The answer is b. The Bartholins gland. Women produce somewhere between one and 4 vaginal fluid every day. The exact amount of fluid you produce each day will vary. This wetness helps keep your vagina clean, and it also provides lubrication to protect against tearing and injury.
[00:18:44] Speaker E: Most vaginal fluid is made primarily of water, along with some salts like phosphate and sodium chloride, organic compounds such as lipids and amino acids, antibodies that help reduce the risk of infections, and old cells from the lining of the vagina, uterus, and cervix.
[00:19:06] Speaker B: So as you become aroused, blood flow to your genitals increases, and this is going to trigger the release of fluid from the cervix and the bartholins glands. And this provides lubrication during sexual activity.
[00:19:20] Speaker E: So hormones play a big role in a woman's vaginal wetness. So higher estrogen levels lead to increased vaginal wetness. However, as your body produces less estrogen during menopause and afterward, it may not produce as much vaginal fluid.
[00:19:42] Speaker B: And lube makes all sex better. It's a great sex habit to get into, and your vagina will thank you.
[00:19:50] Speaker E: Yeah. Amy, we really need to do an unpack lube segment where we discuss water based lubricant, silicon. Silicone based lubricant and lube with thc. So stay tuned, dear listener. We are going to make sure that that happens.
[00:20:08] Speaker B: Absolutely. One thing that I've always said is all lubes are not created equal and you can't use the same lube for all activities. So a lot of times people get frustrated with their lubricant because they're not using the right lube for whatever activity they're engaging in. So I'm looking forward to diving into that. Lube is definitely a topic that I love to teach and talk about because there's a lot of misinformation out there.
[00:20:34] Speaker E: Yeah. And I'm going to share something that I still feel so much shame about. So I'm like, you know, I'm this age. I've been doing this for 25 years. And I still feel so much shame about this. And that is, I've never been able to produce a lot of wetness, and I've always had to use a lubricant. And it feels like my body is deficient in some way because I'm not woman enough or something. I don't know. But this has always sat in the back of my head, and if I want to have intercourse, I have to use lubricant. And especially now that I've gone through perimenopause and my body's moving and to menopause, you know, I'm producing even less lubricant, so it's even more necessary. I understand those women who maybe feel a little shameful about pulling out the lubricant bottle, because it just. I think there's this. This myth that you're not woman enough if you have to. If you have to use lubricant.
[00:21:34] Speaker B: Yeah, well, maybe I can help dispel a little bit of that shame for you, because, you know, in all of my years of doing intimacy toy parties, I always said that every time you have any sort of penetration, my joke was always, even if you're the wettiest wet girl of all time, you should still use a little bit of lubricant, because it does protect that delicate vaginal tissue. And some people do get wet very quickly. Some people takes a lot more time, and all of that is normal. And really, the most important part is to use some lubricant to help with that comfort. Now, the other thing that I've always shared, too, which is important, is sometimes people use lubricant incorrectly, in a way, to speed things up. And wetness and arousal are two different processes. So some people are using lubricant to get things wet so that they can go ahead and penetrate. But that woman has still not experienced full arousal yet, and increasing wetness is not going to speed up arousal. So even if you are using some lubricant to increase comfort, it's still important to go through the process and making sure that she is experiencing full arousal so that she can obviously experience all the pleasure that her body is capable of.
[00:22:55] Speaker E: And just to add to that, I'll do this really quickly. So, an unaroused vaginal canal is a collapsed tube. And similar to the penis, you need blood to engorge this tube, so it opens up and becomes a tube. And if you are trying to have sex, you know, a quickie sex with a collapsed tube, it's going to affect your vaginal tissue. That's why it's so important as best you can to incorporate foreplay and make sure that you are a bit aroused so that your vaginal canal starts to form into a tube.
[00:23:29] Speaker B: Yes. Thank you for sharing that. I've always described it as a vaginal barrel, so it's a similar concept. And I think once people have a better understanding of the anatomy, then it starts to make a lot more sense. So I'm really glad that you gave that analogy.
So this is the part of the podcast where we are going to put on our sexology tacts. And what we discussed were big ideas. But how can I. You start being sexy today.
It starts with an awareness.
[00:24:02] Speaker E: That's right. So when I shared that vulnerability with you, you know, like, I had this awareness of that shame. And that really helps me disassemble that shame. So to help you figure you're sexy out, we're going to go through this sexy checklist that I developed, and at the end of the podcast, we're going to let you know how you can download your very own sexy checklist quiz to do with yourself and share with your friends.
[00:24:35] Speaker B: This is making me flashback to all of those teen and Cosmo magazine quizzes that I used to do, like, way back when. So fun.
[00:24:43] Speaker E: You're talking to your friends and they're sharing their stuff, and you're thinking, oh, that sounds good. Or that sounds like something I wouldn't want to do, but good for you. You know, like, you're hearing a everybody's different perspectives, and I think that really opens up your mind as well.
[00:24:59] Speaker B: Absolutely. Definitely. Download this and bring it to your next lady's name.
So let's try this sexy checklist together. Are you ready?
[00:25:09] Speaker E: I'm ready.
[00:25:10] Speaker B: Okay. Number one, I get out and socialize with friends regularly, so I do this.
[00:25:18] Speaker E: Yeah, I know. You are a natural. You have so many girlfriends. I am.
So when I'm working, I'm an extrovert. When I am at home, I am an introvert, and I develop some very poor habits over Covid. And I was writing my books and I was isolating, and I just stopped being with friends. After I came out of COVID I realized that I needed to get out and start socializing with friends again. So I've been slowly getting back into the game, and it's amazing how that is so helpful to my own self esteem, getting out with these friends again.
[00:26:00] Speaker B: Yeah, I am a natural extrovert. But I think also, like most people, Covid, you know, we all got very used to being in the house. And so I think more of my introverted side came out then, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but I definitely gain a lot of energy and satisfaction and joy when I am out doing things with friends, with my husband, I just like to be out of the house, honestly. So that's certainly something that I can say yes to.
[00:26:28] Speaker E: So you got a big check for that one?
[00:26:30] Speaker B: Yes. Yes. Big check. Double check on that one.
[00:26:33] Speaker E: Number two, I have a hobby or something that interests me that is separate from my home and work life.
[00:26:41] Speaker B: This is one that I developed, actually, also sort of in a reaction to Covid. But early that fall, fall of 2020, I picked up a tennis racket for the very first time. And I joke that how hilarious it was because I played violin. I acted. I was artsy fartsy, like kid and teenager and young adult, like sports, doing anything athletic or anything that made me sweat. Washington, not my thing.
But I started playing tennis just to. It was an easy sort of thing to do, social distancing. And I was doing it with a couple of my best friends, and it was so fun. And I'm completely addicted. And, in fact, I won my third round playoff game for singles last night, so I'm actually starting to get kind of good. And it's been really fun learning something new in my forties. And. And also, it's. Again, it's something that's mine. I get to leave the house. It's.
And it's just very rewarding.
[00:27:42] Speaker E: And so that's giving you a lot of confidence.
[00:27:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:45] Speaker E: Okay.
[00:27:46] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. Plus, titta skirts are kind of cute.
[00:27:50] Speaker E: They are. They're really cute. So I have. So I am a. Sorry to say I'm a perfectionist. And so I believe if I'm going to do something, I'm going to drill down and do the very best that I can at it. So I cook, and I work out, and I am an excellent cook, and I am really great at working out. And I don't know if those are hobbies, but those are the things that give me satisfaction. I love leaving everything on the workout floor, and I love it when I'm digging into something that I've made that tastes amazing, I'm just like, oh, my gosh, I made this. And I don't know if these are hobbies, but they sure make me feel good. And so check. We got to check for both of that.
[00:28:37] Speaker B: Yeah, I would say so. Absolutely.
I laugh at least once per day.
[00:28:45] Speaker E: Yeah.
I have a dog, and my dog makes me laugh. And my teenagers, not so much. Sometimes my teenagers make me laugh. My husband's a serious guy, so I'm the funny one of the family. But I do look for reasons to laugh because I've got three serious academics in my house, and if I'm not laughing, nobody here is laughing. So I do look for ways to laugh.
[00:29:15] Speaker B: Yeah.
Yes, I look for ways to laugh, especially. My middle son is hilarious. He creates these characters I keep. He needs to get on a stage, frankly, he won't listen to me. He wants to play football, but he is so funny. And these characters come out. He does these dinnertime shows, and they just have us all rolling. They're kind of inappropriate. He's only 13, but I just. I can't help but just cracking up. My husband and I are staring at each other like, should we let him continue this? But we do because it's so funny. And then my littlest is just this little bundle of eternal sunshine, and he makes me laugh all the time. And so, yeah, there's a lot of laughter in my house. And I don't want to say my oldest son doesn't make me laugh, too, because he certainly does. But we definitely look for those opportunities. And I love getting on the phone with my sister, too, because she'll go on these hilarious rants about things that just crack me up. So, yes, I find a lot of laughter in my life.
[00:30:15] Speaker E: Good. Number four. I say something nice to myself every day.
[00:30:23] Speaker B: Ooh. You know, I don't know if I do it every day. I think probably, like a lot of people, you have good days and you have bad days and you have days when you really need to build yourself up, you know? And those are the days that I think I struggle with it. But then those, I think, are sometimes the days that I consciously say nicer things to myself because I know I need to hear it. So I'm not an overwhelmingly negative person. So I think that I'm more positive than anything else, but this is definitely something that I could be more conscious of.
[00:30:57] Speaker E: Yeah, I've had to learn how to say nice things to myself and how to catch myself when I'm putting myself down. And it's a work in progress. My go to is to look at how I'm doing things wrong because I am a perfectionist. And unfortunately, I see this in my older son. And, you know, we're high achievers with high anxiety and high perfection, and so we're always looking for what we've done wrong. And I've had to train myself over 20 plus years to see when I'm doing that, stop it and then replace it with something positives that is a work in progress. So we both get like a half check for that.
[00:31:39] Speaker B: Half check. Yes. So number five, I mostly look at what is going right in my life.
[00:31:49] Speaker E: I do. And something I started ten plus years ago is I do a morning meditation. And during my morning meditation, I started to say, you know, today I'm going to look for what's perfect. And my reticular activating system has now just kicked in every morning and I start looking for how my life is going. Right. It took a long time to get there, but it absolutely works. So I'm looking for why my life is turning out perfect and why my life is so great. It's not to say that every day is great, because it sure isn't. But I'm always looking for that.
[00:32:32] Speaker B: Well, and it's like that confirmation bias, right? If you're shopping for a car and you know that you want to buy a red Toyota, then when you're driving around, you're going to spot red toyotas everywhere and you're like, does everybody drive a red Toyota? No. You just didn't notice all the red toyotas before because you weren't looking for it. And it works in all of those different things. If you are looking for the negative stuff, you're going to find the negative stuff. If you're looking for the positive stuff, you're going to find the positive stuff.
I think I've always been a pretty glass half full kind of girl. I think I can credit this one to my mom, who's a psychologist and she is just this font of positivity and she always has been. And she definitely poured that into me and my siblings growing up. And so, you know, I think sometimes it can go almost too far in a way, but I think that tampering it with a slight dose of reality, but still keeping an eye out for the positive things is very healthy. So I would say that I definitely mostly look at what's going right in my life. So I'd give myself a check for that one.
[00:33:44] Speaker E: So, number six, I don't sweat the small stuff.
[00:33:50] Speaker B: I don't sweat the small stuff. And, and I think this is one that I can give some credit to my husband for. He is just even Steven, just super calm at all times. I've, I've always been a little bit of an up and down kind of person and he can just look at me and just say, amy, you know, and he's not dismissing, he's not dismissing what I'm feeling, but he is putting some perspective on it, which I appreciate. So coming back and looking at the 10,000 foot view when things feel very difficult, I think is very valuable. So I would definitely give myself a check for this one.
[00:34:28] Speaker E: Good. I give myself a big no.
I try not to sweat the small stuff. I do my best not to sweat the small stuff, but I can easily find myself looping in that anxiety. And, you know, it's, as I've already said, it's been a process. It's a. You know, it's a work in progress for me, but I do sweat the small stuff, so I get a. I get a no for that.
[00:34:57] Speaker B: Give yourself some grace, though, because I think that there's probably so many people that are listening that can completely recognize and empathize with this, too. And. And I think it's just important for people to know that it is a journey, and nobody is perfect at any of this. I am neither a guilt thrower nor a guilt catcher.
[00:35:18] Speaker E: I used to be a guilt catcher, and again, I've had to learn over 20 plus years how to set boundaries. And I mostly don't catch guilt now, although, you know, sometimes it does sneak in there, and I see myself catching the guilt, you know, usually from family members that, you know, we've had these patterns as a family for so many years that, you know, just, like, automatically I catch their guilt and I, you know, take in their guilt.
However, I mostly don't now.
[00:35:48] Speaker B: I think family patterns are very important to identify here because I think that it is something that is passed down. And I know that there was much more of it was guilt throwing that came from my dad's side of the family.
And I know early in my relationship, I know that I did a lot of guilt throwing at James, which wasn't fair to him.
And we actually broke up for a period of time, not specifically just because of that, but I'm sure that that was a piece of it. And I finally had to look at that and say, why am I making this person that I really love and care about feel guilty about anything? And it was silly stuff, like going out with friends. It was a maturity. We were very young, but. And I had to look at that and stop doing that. Cause that wasn't fair to do to him. And, you know, guilt catching, you know, as a mom, as a woman, it's hard. It's hard not to do it and catch the guilt catching. Yeah, it's just, you feel it in all these different directions. And I feel like actually, it's been a little more challenging for me recently as I've been working more and more and still balancing my. I'm still very much a full time mom, and I also have some really big ambitions and aspirations, and I'm very passionate about my career and helping people, and it's very hard to do both of those things. And it was easier when I was more focused on being a mom because I could just say, oh, this is sort of something that I'm doing a.
[00:37:19] Speaker E: Little more of a hobby. Yeah, a hobby that makes a little cash on the side, but now it's starting to get real and.
[00:37:25] Speaker B: Yeah. And I want it to. And I want it to because I have a huge drive and passion to help people.
So it's hard to balance that. So I struggle with that more now. I think that I did the guilt catching, guilt throwing I'm much better about.
[00:37:40] Speaker E: Good.
Question eight is I exercise, eat healthy foods, and drink tons of water.
[00:37:49] Speaker B: I go up and down on this one. I would say right now, I'm not doing great.
Yeah. Uh, you know, like, six months ago, I would have given myself some good. This is a eternal roller coaster for me because I am very much, especially with this, I am all or nothing. Uh, when I'm eating well, I naturally start exercising, or when I'm exercising, I naturally start eating while they go hand in hand for me. And then I start drinking lots of water and all of that. And then if it falls off, it completely falls off. And right now, I would say I'm gonna fall off.
Need to get back to it. School started today.
[00:38:22] Speaker E: Yeah. So self esteem is ephemeral, meaning it wanes and waxes and, you know, you can't just be self confident all the time. It's going to come, and it's going to go. And I think having that awareness of what's happening is going to help you get you back on track. So the answer for me is, yes, I do eat healthy, and I do exercise, and so. And that gives me a lot of confidence. So I get a big check there.
[00:38:47] Speaker B: As it should. As it should.
I have at least one gorgeous set of underwear that fits.
[00:38:56] Speaker E: So when I first got married, I had multiple sets of beautiful lingerie. That's my thing. I love having it. And it was like a big tease, foreplay for my husband, because I would pull some out before he went to work, and I'd put it on, and I, you know, I'd say, you know, wait till you get home. And then he'd be thinking about me and these beautiful lingerie, you know, it was such a nice couple thing that we got to do. And then I had. And then I got pregnant. And even though I'm back to the size that I was pre pregnancy, my body shifted. And the underwear that I had, the wisps, these wisps of italian lace, they no longer fit me. So I had to throw the hundreds and hundreds of dollars of lingerie out. And then I had, you know, after my second baby, and then I went through perimenopause, and my body was shifting and changing. And I felt so discouraged about buying an expensive piece of lingerie. Just didn't seem worth it, especially when my kids were little. I just had no desire to do that at all. So now I'm getting back into buying the beautiful sets of lingerie, and it's so much fun.
I just love it so much.
[00:40:12] Speaker B: It's interesting because I don't own any beautiful lingerie, but my husband shops for.
He likes certain types of panties and things like that. So he has bought a lot of different things for me. And is it something that I would necessarily choose? I don't know. Maybe not. But he loves it, and that makes me feel beautiful. And so kind of flashing back to what you did earlier on your marriage, we do that now where I'm like, oh, I'm like, here's the pink lines. And he gets. He loves it, you know, and then that makes me feel really good.
[00:40:49] Speaker E: It's just fun. It's just a fun, easy thing you can do as a couple.
[00:40:54] Speaker B: Absolutely. And you can do it from home. And with the kids gone, you know, I can put on something like that, and I can have a skirt on, and I can give them a little peekaboo. And, you know, he's like, on a conference call, and I'm like, I'm so sorry you're on that conference call. Like, I want to go upstairs. So it's fun. It's bringing that playfulness back into it. So, yeah, I'll give us a check for that. It's not necessarily a set of underwear, but I would say it qualifies.
[00:41:20] Speaker E: So I think we've answered question ten.
So if you said yes to number nine, that you do have a good set of lingerie. I wear this gorgeous set of underwear at least every couple of months.
[00:41:34] Speaker B: Pull it out of the drawer. Pull it out of the drawer. It doesn't do anyone any good if it's stuck in the back of your drawer.
[00:41:42] Speaker E: And something a lady said to me a few years back is even if your underwear is really uncomfortable. You don't have to wear it for very long. So it's not like you have to wear it, like, all day under your clothes. You know what I'm saying? If it's that kind of underwear that's scratchy or not that I'm promoting scratchy underwear, but I'm just saying if it's not the most comfortable fit, it's not going to be on you that long. So pull it out.
[00:42:12] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely.
So when someone gives me a compliment, I look them straight in the eye and say, thank you. I feel great.
[00:42:24] Speaker E: I do this now. I never used to do this before. And the reason I do this now is because I wrote this quiz a few years back. And every time somebody would give me a compliment and I would start backtracking and diminishing and dismissing what I had just done, I would think about this checklist. I would look them in the eye and say, thank you. I feel great. And I felt so stupid doing that. And yet it's such a better response to, oh, no, no, really, it's not a big deal. I just. No, no. It's, you know, like that what women do.
[00:43:02] Speaker B: Yep. Well, and I think we're socially conditioned. We're socially conditioned to be humble. We can't brag. We can't be too big. We can't be too much. We can't be too anything. And so if someone says, you look beautiful today, oh, no, no, I didn't. This is nothing, you know, and, yeah, this is also something I had to consciously work on. If I'm talking to somebody and I pay them a compliment and they're like, oh, no, no, no. I look at them and I say, say thank you. Just say thank you. Just say thank you. And they pause and do that. So if this is something that you're already embracing in your own life, absolutely. But help the other people around you learn to say thank you. And please, please, please teach your daughters and your sons, but definitely your daughters to say thank you when they receive a genuine compliment.
[00:43:54] Speaker E: Absolutely. So even though there are more questions on the sexy checklist, that's all the time we have. So if you want to do this checklist, you can get the full sexy checklist from our website, sensationalsexpodcast.com, or in these show notes.
[00:44:12] Speaker B: So what do you think is our biggest takeaway from this quiz?
[00:44:15] Speaker E: You know, I wrote this quiz with purpose, which is that we're doing a lot of good things already in our life, and it's just highlighting the things that we're already doing in our life. Going out with friends, taking care of our bodies, making sure we feel good about ourselves. As you were going through this checklist with us, you're probably going, hey, yeah, I do that and I do that and I do that. So there's already a lot of things inside of you that are already sexy. I wrote this checklist for women to see. Hey, you know what? Maybe. Maybe you are sexy.
[00:44:49] Speaker B: What stood out for me was this, is that you and I had some different answers. And there were some things that I felt like I was doing well on that you didn't. And there were some things that you felt like you're doing well on that I wasn't. And I think what's important to highlight is that we're not striving for perfection here. This is all a work in progress.
[00:45:08] Speaker E: And we're not judging each other.
[00:45:12] Speaker B: And it's also just a good reminder of like again when you were talking earlier, if we focus on the things that we are doing, rather than focusing on the things that we aren't, and celebrating each one of those, and rather than be like, oh my gosh, okay, I gotta go drink more water now. No, but I'm feeling good about myself. I've got a great hobby. I just want a playoff tennis match, game of learning something new. And that's awesome. And I'm going to focus on those and take that into the bedroom tonight.
[00:45:39] Speaker E: Yep.
So, to recap, feeling sexy is about you being comfortable in your own skin.
[00:45:48] Speaker B: You know how to make other people.
[00:45:49] Speaker E: Feel good, you know your self worth.
[00:45:54] Speaker B: You have a great time, and you.
[00:45:57] Speaker E: Have the courage to be vulnerable.
[00:46:00] Speaker B: Though there are many traits that have contributed to your sexiness, they all stemmed from being yourself. Your sexiness shines when you're completely, unapologetically your.
[00:46:12] Speaker E: Can I get an amen?
[00:46:14] Speaker B: Amen, men.
[00:46:15] Speaker E: Amen. Now, if you want your very own motivate me t shirt and coffee mug, you're in luck because we're having a limited sale from November 11 to 25th. Go to our website, sensationalsexpodcast.com to find out more.
Until the next podcast, stay sexy.
[00:46:38] Speaker B: Our next podcast will discuss micro shames and how they silence you by making you feel unworthy, insecure, never good enough, and never let your guard down. There are big shames and then there are micro shames.
[00:46:53] Speaker E: Micro shames are the shames that go unnoticed, but their cumulative effect can be devastating to your sexual self confidence.
[00:47:04] Speaker B: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist.
[00:47:07] Speaker E: And I'm doctor Trina Reid. And we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:47:15] Speaker B: In this episode of the Sensational Sex podcast, you'll find out why micro shames are like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response.
[00:47:29] Speaker E: Because micro shames are so tiny and easy to disregard, their power is they keep you looped in insecurity and silent.
[00:47:40] Speaker B: We go through how one woman, Alexandra, dealt with someone who body shamed her and what she did to get her sexual power back.
[00:47:50] Speaker E: Listen to the Sensational Sex podcast, where we give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:47:57] Speaker B: Are you ready to experience more passion and more pleasure? In my suburban intimacy practice, I offer one on one sex and intimacy coaching for women and couples. Book a complimentary discovery call at suburban intimacy.com or learn more about my intimacy ignite program, your solution to experiencing satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences and connections, even when you're busy, tired, and shut up.
Intimacy ignite is a curated collection of stimulating sex education activities and challenges, whether you are single or in a relationship. Plus, live coaching with me twice a month. Save $10 off your first month with the code podcasts. You can learn
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[00:48:44] Speaker D: Fulfilling sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Then go to trinaread.com to get your free copy of the Sex Bootcamp Masterclass.
While you're there, check out my award winning fiction book, the Sex course, that went to number one in its Amazon category three days after launch. Both the sex course and sex bootcamp workbook are available in audiobook. If you want to hang with groovy, like minded, sex positive women, then join my online courses and the success community.
It's your time to create the sex life of your dreams. It all
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[00:49:27] Speaker B: Did you love what you learned today? Share this episode with someone who needs it. Friends don't let friends have bad sex. Leave a review for this episode and follow like or subscribe on the listening app of your choice. We love hearing from our listeners. Email
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