[00:00:00] Speaker A: Hello beautiful people and thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy that you're joining us.
[00:00:08] Speaker B: Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that's perfect for you and we're here to help you with that.
[00:00:17] Speaker A: On this podcast, we're doing something special. So if you've been listening to our podcast, you will know that Amy is a sex coach.
[00:00:27] Speaker B: We thought that you might be curious to peek behind the curtains and see what happens during one of my sex coaching sessions.
[00:00:36] Speaker A: We are so excited. The super awesome Laura agreed to let Amy take her through a sex coaching session. And lucky for all of us, Laura really went for it and she opened up and got vulnerable and had some huge brain breakthroughs.
[00:00:55] Speaker B: In case you don't know how the sex coaching process works, before Laura and I had our session, we did a discovery call and this helps both of us know that we are a good fit and that this will be the right first step. During her discovery call, Laura shared that she was currently single and she was in no rush to get into a new relationship. During this time, she wanted to learn how to be a better communicator about her sexual needs and become more in tune with her own desires. Her goal was to ultimately be able to experience a deep connection with a new partner where she could be vulnerable, authentic, and feel safe expressing her true sexual self.
[00:01:38] Speaker A: Amy and Laura then recorded their sex coaching session, which we're going to play for you now. So Amy, can you please tee this up for us?
[00:01:49] Speaker B: Of course.
During my first call with any new client, we review their answers to the sexual history questionnaire and I pull out initial goals for our work together. Typically, there are several that stand out to me and with my guidance we identify the most important one and then we get started. In Laura's session, she wanted to work on feeling more confident with making eye contact during sex. But what we uncovered went much deeper than that. Take a listen.
[00:02:21] Speaker A: We are thrilled to partner with X Ends who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:02:29] Speaker B: Xsens has an amazing and luxurious cooling, arousing gel that is perfect for those motivate me moments that we'll tell you about halfway through this podcast.
[00:02:40] Speaker A: We love what Xcens is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
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[email protected] welcome to the Sensational.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: Sex podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do.
Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week.
Soon you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life.
Follow us on social media at Sensational Sex Podcast. Share this episode, leave a review and thank you for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:03:41] Speaker B: Welcome. And first of all, thank you so much, Laura, for investing this time into yourself and to your sexual growth and development. And even more so, thank you for allowing us to record this session where we really appreciate your openness and willingness to let your experience help others learn.
[00:04:02] Speaker C: Yeah, me too. I'm more than happy to do this. It's going to be a little bit weird, I think, but I'm open to it, so we'll see how it goes.
[00:04:11] Speaker B: Well, before we get kind of dive into everything, I was hoping you might be willing to just sort of briefly introduce yourself and share just a little bit about yourself with our audience. As much as you feel comfortable sharing.
[00:04:24] Speaker C: Yeah, no.
I'm in my early 40s. My 1 and only child is now out of the house. So I am a free bird. I have a dog. I have been single for about seven months.
And, yeah, I've always been curious about, I guess, just myself related to sex. So I'm interested in, yeah, getting to know myself better through this process today and hoping that other. Like you said, hoping that other people can maybe find some nuggets in there for themselves as well.
[00:05:02] Speaker B: Fantastic. Thank you.
So just to give the audience a little background, prior to this session that we have started together today, Laura and I had a discovery call and I got to know her a little bit better and what she was looking for. And then she also filled out a very detailed sexual history questionnaire. And thank you so much for that because I know there's a lot of. A lot of questions in there. Curious. What was that process like for you? What was that like for you, filling that out?
[00:05:36] Speaker C: Yeah, it was really interesting. The question that stumped me the most, that really had me sitting there. I had the TV on in the background and I actually shut the TV off because I was like, oh, my God, I don't know. It was the question about what kind of messages did you get from your childhood about sex?
Wow. Never thought of that before. And then I was trying to think back. Questions about, you know, earliest sexual attraction and first orgasm and first orgasm from masturbation, first orgasm from, you know, not yourself and all that. I was just like, wow, this is. It was. I don't know. I enjoyed It. I thought it was really quite fun because I'm at that stage of my life in my 40s where I'm really just interested in getting to know myself better. And it was a really cool process. So I don't know if that answers your question, but that's how I felt about it.
[00:06:33] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely.
I'm glad that's how you felt about it. I asked my clients to fill out that questionnaire for a couple reasons, and one is, obviously it gives me a lot of really great information, but I think it's a good first tool for you as the client to start to think about these things because again, like you sort of said, it's a lot of stuff that you may not have really thought about and considered before. And it starts to give you pieces of the puzzle to start to put together. So it sounds like maybe that's a little bit of what you got out of it.
[00:07:04] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:07:05] Speaker B: Wonderful.
So we have one session to work on today, and I was reviewing all of the wonderful information that you've given me, and there were a few things that stood out to me, and so I wanted to share those with you and then see if any of these were what you wanted to dive in with me today or if you have something completely different. We can. We can do that as well. I go where you go, but I just sort of wanted to share some of the biggest highlights that seem to stick out for me, you know, reviewing everything that we've talked about so far. So it sounds like one of your biggest kind of long term goals with sex intimacy coaching is really getting to know yourself better, getting a greater understanding of what you want in a sexual relationship, potentially in a future relationship, because I know you're single right now. That's the thing that I think came up over and over and over again. Yeah.
Another thing that came up a lot was learning how to ask for what you want. So understanding deeply what you want and then being able to really communicate that in a way that feels, I think you had some comment in there about, you know, wanting to be able to make eye contact without covering your face with a pillow or laughing or something like that, which I thought was an interesting insight. So.
So getting to know yourself better, learning to ask for what you want. And then another thing was gaining a better understanding of how men think and feel about sex and pleasure.
[00:08:40] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:08:43] Speaker B: So those are sort of three big broad categories, and there's a lot of different things within those. But I'm just curious, what, what would you like to get out of your coaching session today. But where would you like to start?
[00:08:54] Speaker C: We can start with the eye closing, the lack of. The discomfort with eye contact during sex. I mean, I'm curious to dig into that.
[00:09:04] Speaker B: I think that's a great place to start it. And I think that goes.
I kind of put that under the umbrella of just communicating about sex in a way because I think there's a connection, disconnection, you know, piece in there. So here's what I would like to do is this specific example obviously popped to your mind for, you know, for a reason. So I'd love, maybe if you can take me back into is a time that this has happened. Is this something that happens frequently? Like, tell me a little bit about why this popped up for you.
[00:09:43] Speaker C: It's just something that I don't, I really just don't think I've ever been okay with the eye contact during sex thing.
And I'm just not sure.
I don't really know why. I guess I feel like it's not normal because I've kind of felt like I'm being stared down a few, you know, by, you know, by people that are. That are obviously very intimately connected to me and I feel the same about them. But there's almost like this other level that I've never been able to get to with that intimate connection, like that deep connection. Maybe it's a comfort thing, maybe it's a confidence thing. I kind of feel like it's a blend of all of those things.
And I'd also just thought, you know, I also thought like, maybe it's just a habit, like I don't have trouble making eye contact in general.
[00:10:45] Speaker B: Right. In life. You and I are making great eye contact right now.
Yeah.
[00:10:51] Speaker C: So I guess. Yeah.
[00:10:56] Speaker B: Yeah. Well, it's interesting because I think this also ties into something else that came up. Was it seems like something you're really seeking in your next relationship is that just deep emotional connection and wanting to be able to, you know, just, just be able to completely trust, be able to completely let go, allow yourself to, you know, be held and, and just know that your, your emotions and, you know, everything in you is safe. And, and that's, that's big. I mean, that's a very big thing to trust somebody else with. Yeah.
So.
And, you know, I, you know, eye gazing, you know, looking people's in the eyes, that's certainly one of.
It's. It's, you know, they say it's the window to people's soul. So it's definitely something that can feel very, just very Connective, you know, sometimes intrusive if you aren't, like, really prepared for it. So it sounds like in those moments, even though you're like, yes, we're. We're right here. But what do you find yourself doing in that time?
[00:12:10] Speaker C: Well, yeah, like, I guess I just feel like I'm trusting my instinct.
I'm trusting my instinct that I don't want to make eye contact. But I'm also questioning whether or not that's an instinct.
Like a habit almost, or if there's really something to it. If it's like my soul being like, no, that's not. Like, if. You know, there has been one situation where this wasn't a problem. Interestingly, there was one. One gentleman that I. That this was not a problem.
[00:12:48] Speaker B: Interesting.
[00:12:48] Speaker C: Like, I'm totally fine with making eye contact.
[00:12:52] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:12:53] Speaker C: And yeah.
[00:12:55] Speaker B: Yeah, tell me more.
[00:12:57] Speaker C: So then part of me thinks, like, is it actually a real signal that my being is kind of giving me to be like, no. If you don't want to look at this person in the eyes, if you can't, if it makes you kind of like feel super uncomfortable, that's a sign that you should probably not continue having sex with this person or pursuing any sort of long term romantic relationship with them. Like, I guess I'm just kind of wondering should I just be trusting that or should I be trying to, like, force my way out of this habit?
[00:13:34] Speaker B: Interesting.
[00:13:34] Speaker C: You know?
[00:13:35] Speaker B: Yeah. Sort of what I'm hearing kind of embedded in between here is it's a. Am I trust? Should I trust my instincts or should I, like, push through this hesitancy and still try to look at this person in the eye?
Right. And which way to go there. Yeah.
And so actually I want to go back to this. This gentleman where this wasn't a problem because that may be a little bit illuminating. So tell.
Tell me a little bit more about that.
[00:14:09] Speaker C: Yeah. So we weren't in a relationship we've had.
We knew each other for quite a long time before we sort of tried to whatever.
We were trying to be a couple. We were just having fun.
I was just attracted to him. And I kind of waited until I was pretty sure he was single. And then I kind of like, you know, invited him to hang out and it worked out and we did. And then we ended up having sex. And then we ended up having kind of like every two to three years we'd have kind of just like a weekend fling. And then in between that, it was mostly just staying in touch and we'd end up dating other People and it was like, you know, the first time it happened, I was pretty disappointed that we didn't actually become a couple. And I, you know, he kind of was like, yeah, no, I got back together with my girlfriend and I was like, oh, so I guess we're not hanging out anymore. But, but I do remember just like really enjoying. Well, I know that every time we've ever had sex, it's been really enjoyable for me. And I don't know what it is about him. Maybe just the fact even that I know he's kind of unavailable as a long term partner and that there is no guarantee or I guess I'm just like even more in the moment because I'm kind of like, this might be the only time we do this ever again. Like, you know, so I, I also just think I have trouble with, with relationships. Not monogamy, but just once you get into that year two kind of era in a relationship where it's kind of like this is starting to feel like we need to spice things up and, and I guess with him we've just never ever gotten there because we've just had these flings every few years and it's always been very fine. I'm like, I don't have anyone else like that in my life.
[00:16:10] Speaker B: Right.
[00:16:11] Speaker C: But we've never actually been a couple. We've like been a couple for like, you know, a weekend or a week. Right. In my life. Just to give you the context. So, yeah, during sex it was just always like, it was like being on vacation, you know, I don't know. And it just felt really, really comfortable and really exciting and, and just like. Yeah. And he, and he was like a big eye contact guy. So I would, I would still, I wouldn't crack up like laughing, but I was, I would smile pretty big. You know, I'd be like, okay, we're looking at each other. Okay. Like, I was still a little bit uncomfortable, but I did it and I was like, okay, I can do this. Like, I don't have to like pull a pillow over my face or.
[00:16:55] Speaker B: Right.
[00:16:55] Speaker C: Put a pillow over his face or whatever's easier.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:59] Speaker C: So, yeah, it was a lot more comfortable.
[00:17:01] Speaker B: So I'm curious if in with other, you know, past partners or anything when you've tried, I mean, it sounds like when you've tried to make eye contact or you've started, you've pulled pillows over your face or you've cracked up or something like that.
Is that, is that what's happened in the past? Yeah. Yeah. So what do you think was different about this experience versus those.
[00:17:23] Speaker C: There's just some. There's some sort of a.
There's some sort of a connection there or there's some sort of such a bland blanket term, but there's just something there that just is comfortable. And maybe it's because we had known each other for so long before that, and maybe because I'd, like, had a crush on him for, like, five years before the first time and then had a crush on him in between each time. Had a crush. It's not like a teenager, but you know what I mean? Like, I thought of. I, like, fantasized about him. And so. And like, we. We still talk, and I still. I've talked to him recently, and, like, he's not someone I could be with. I know that we just. We would. It would not work for a lot of reasons, but I still really just like him. And I would totally like to make sure that if. What, his current relationship doesn't work out that, you know, I'm an option for a fun weekend. Like, I'm. I mean, if I'm single, I'm down. Yeah.
[00:18:23] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:18:24] Speaker C: Yeah. And I don't have anyone else like that. Like, none of my past people are like, I don't want to recycle any of those. He's just. He's good. He's good for that.
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[00:18:41] Speaker A: Because the best couple moments are when you can look at each other with knowing smiles over your morning coffee.
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[00:19:12] Speaker B: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist from the Sensational Sex podcast.
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[00:19:25] Speaker B: Has there ever been a time in your relationship when your partner was giving you that look? You know the one. Or maybe they were rubbing your leg or nuzzling your neck and you knew what was on their mind, but it was the last thing on yours.
[00:19:40] Speaker A: Well, Amy, I've been married for 22 years, so what do you think?
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[00:22:29] Speaker B: Let's get back to our sex coaching session.
[00:22:32] Speaker A: Amy, this is so interesting. I'm taking notes.
[00:22:36] Speaker B: Well, in a word that you've said with him multiple times has been just comfortable. You just know each other like I guess. Do you feel like when you're with him, do you feel like you are able to really just be fully comfortable, fully yourself? Like is there anything holding you back or you're really just able to kind of settle into that?
[00:22:56] Speaker C: I think because I've just kind of written him off as a possible actual partner. But I really enjoy My time with him, and I cherish it, and I think he's a good person. I like to stay in touch. Touch with him, and I wish the best for him, but, like, I feel like he's the only person in my life that's ever been like that where there's really no pressure. So the comfort is maybe because there's no pressure of trying to turn it into something or, you know, after you've been together for two years and you're trying to kind of spice things up and you're trying and you're trying, it always feels like, you know, you've got to try. And it's just never been like that with him.
[00:23:32] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:23:33] Speaker C: I don't know.
[00:23:34] Speaker B: So it sounds like the ease, the comfortability of that connection comes with the lack of pressure with not feeling like you have to try.
[00:23:45] Speaker C: Yes.
Yeah.
[00:23:49] Speaker B: And another thing that you had mentioned in our first call that.
That I'm curious if it's playing in here and we're gonna. We're gonna get into the eye contact thing, but, you know, I think that's. This is all playing together. But, you know, you said you had this theory about.
About monogamy, and actually, would you. Would you share that with us? Just because I think you could probably explain it better than I can.
[00:24:18] Speaker C: I have a theory about.
Did I say that? I feel like monogamy is supposed to be like, you're supposed to be in a monogamy, not you. But I feel like monogamy for me is about. It's the goal. I want to be in a monogamous relationship, but it's not involving the forever word. Like, monogamy isn't forever. They're not the same. They're different things.
[00:24:38] Speaker B: And that.
[00:24:39] Speaker C: I think monogamy runs its course. Like some friendships do. They come into your life for a time and a reason, and sometimes that time and reason ends, and that's okay. And then you can move on and find another monogamous relationship. And that the goal of forever, I think, is really unrealistic, especially in today's day and age.
Is that what I said?
[00:25:02] Speaker B: Yeah, that is what you said.
I'm glad I was able to just trigger that. But yes, that's exactly what you shared.
And then you had also said something along the lines of you were curious if your theory on monogamy might be holding you back from ultimately being able to get into that.
Be able to have that really deep emotional connection with somebody.
[00:25:30] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah, potentially. But. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't really see the point in Forever, you know, when I'm not having more babies. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. I don't want to be anyone's sugar mama. Like, I mean, I just don't really see, you know, and that's where I was. I said in the thing yesterday, I think it was one of the last questions you asked in the form.
I want to explore sex purely from a pleasure standpoint and what that looks like versus from a power standpoint. Because for me, I feel like I've always used sex as a power play, as a way to gain power, to feel more powerful.
And the power meaning not having power over someone necessarily, but just feeling. Feeling more powerful in general as a human.
[00:26:21] Speaker B: Right.
So with this intermittent friends with benefits, I don't know if you want to. Do you want to give him a name that we can refer to him by or.
[00:26:38] Speaker C: Do I want to give him a name?
Sure, let's call him Carl. Because I've actually never been with a Carl before. So that's a really safe name.
[00:26:46] Speaker B: Okay, excellent. Okay. So.
So Carl, it sounds like, you know, you feel very comfortable with him. With him, you have been able to have eye contact, you know, during intimate experiences, maybe with a big smile on your face. Not that there's anything wrong with that, you know, I mean, I'm sure you probably enjoyed seeing the smile on your face, but you felt like it didn't.
You were able to do it in that moment with Carl, but knowing that there's no pressure with Carl, knowing that this is never, and these are your words, you know, going, going to turn into anything sort of long term or serious, but just being able to just really just fully enjoy maybe experience the pleasure of the time that you guys have together.
Looking at your power. Do you feel there's any sort of power, use of power or anything within that particular relationship, or was that more of a pleasure focused?
[00:27:51] Speaker C: I think there, I think there has been some power.
Yeah, I think there has been sort of a power. Just because it's how I've always been. I think without really consciously realizing it, I've always been.
I think the like, for me, what I realized after we reconnected, like, so we had sort of started something that I thought might go somewhere and then it didn't. And then I was a little bit miffed and then I kind of got over and I was like, no, I mean, it's fine, whatever. It wasn't meant to be. And then, you know, we both were in relationships for a couple years and then we kind of had A fling, which was awesome. I remember feeling powerful in the sense that I could do that, that I could feel okay with not needing monogamy and a long term relationship out of it, but still feeling like we had enough of a bond and a friendship. And I trusted him. And that part of the trust was based on just like the no expectations thing. But I also trusted that he was going to treat me well. It just wasn't like going to be.
I guess I was. I just wasn't going to have the expectation of him anymore to be in a relationship. I just wasn't going to do that. And I felt very powerful because I was. I actually felt okay with that. And I'd never felt like that with anyone before, so. So having sex with him was definitely still about power for me, even though it was about pleasure, but it was about power for sure. And I was also dealing with a situation around that time with a guy and I had sort of felt like he trampled on me a little bit. And so maybe I also felt like I regained some power through that fling that I had with him because I kind of went straight from that to that. And it made me feel kind of, I don't know, cheered me up a little bit, you know?
[00:29:54] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah.
You know, what's interesting to me is, you know, you said that, you said that you want to use experience sex more from a pleasure standpoint than a power standpoint. But then when we talk about these times in which you felt more powerful. Empowered. I don't really like the word empowered, but it works here. I think you have this.
They can't see this, but you have this smile on your face. You have this just sort of beauty and satisfaction that comes out. I'm kind of curious what you don't like about the power aspect of it or like where, like, I guess, where's your resistance or why are you wanting to move away from that?
[00:30:35] Speaker C: Well, I think that I feel very powerful. And maybe power isn't the right word because power, the word power is associated with, you know, narcissism and politicians and child molesters and, you know, like power imbalances. And that's maybe not the right word to be using. Maybe it's confidence. And I feel like I've gained so much confidence over the years through other things that it's come out in my sex life. And I do feel like my last relationship lasted as long as it did because I was quite confident. Even though I needed the pillow over my face and I was not a fan of eye contact. I Was confident. I was asking for what I wanted. I was like, hey, I really think that we should do some role playing, because that would be hot. You should be this person. I'll be this person. It's going to be fun. And we did that kind of stuff, and it was awesome.
Sometimes we, like, pause and have laughing fits because funny things would get said, but, you know, it was really fun. And so I felt more confident than I ever had before in that relationship. And even though there were a lot of things, that relationship that weren't right for me and that person that weren't right for me, I think sexually we were doing pretty good. And that was a lot. And I do look back and think it was a lot because I was like, hey, let's spice things up. Hey, let's try this. Or I was just having fun and, like, seeking pleasure from him, but also giving pleasure anyways, so I don't know if that answers your question. I just feel like I've gained more confidence and more inner power and feel more empowered as just in myself. Not about power over other people at all, just in myself. I've gained that through, you know, through age. Right. I'm in my 40s now.
[00:32:17] Speaker B: 40S in time.
[00:32:19] Speaker C: It's not that I'm trying to give up any power. I just am not really looking for sex as a source of power anymore because of the, you know, professional success and just confidence that I've achieved.
[00:32:30] Speaker B: I guess we'll say, yeah, yeah.
Now what? So, so what I'm hearing is the confidence that arrives in the 40s, which is such a beautiful confidence. It's so nice when it finally shows up, isn't it?
And it's interesting because in a lot of the things that you had submitted or that we talked about, you were like, you know, I want to be able to ask for what I want. I want to be able to explore. But it sounds like in your most recent relationship, you were doing some of that.
[00:32:59] Speaker C: Some, some.
Some of that.
[00:33:05] Speaker B: So there's a. There's a. There's a hesitation there. So tell me. Tell me more. Some. Looking for more. Tell me a little bit more about.
[00:33:13] Speaker C: Well, I.
I feel like I wasn't really.
I've never been a super clear communicator. And even though I started to get a little more excited about feeling clear about what I wanted and even, like, knowing what I wanted, it still wasn't enough. And because he, as a person, wasn't great for me, we kind of, like, were in this super fun honeymoon phase for a year. And a half. And then for six months. Like, the next six months, it started to die down a little bit, but was still pretty good. And I think I just, you know, once I realized that he wasn't my person, I just kind of stopped trying to spice things up as much because I wasn't really invested in the relationship long term. And, I mean, I'd have little bursts of like, oh, today was a good day. I'm going to try whatever. But ultimately, I've. I feel like this. This is what you're digging at, so I'm just going to say it.
I feel like I know where you're going with this, which is good, because I was pretty sure we were gonna get there eventually, but I've never, ever been.
That's not true. I had one situation where I was sort of dating a guy, but again, we kind of knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere, but we were, like, enjoying each other's company. And I let him go down on me. And I, like, was like, yeah, no word. Like, this is all that's happening here. Like, I just want you to pleasure me. And I didn't know if I would have an orgasm. I didn't because there was no vibrator handy. And I do need, like, actual, like, a toy of some sort.
[00:35:00] Speaker B: Like a vibrator.
[00:35:01] Speaker C: I have this really cool new toy that my sister gave me that sounds weird. It was still in the box. She went a little nuts and bought too many toys. And she was like, here, belated birthday present. And so it was, like, still all sealed in the box, but it's pretty fun.
And so I need, like, some sort of, like, intense clitoral stimulation to orgasm. But I've never actually told a guy that before. So when I. I think we were about a year and a half or almost two years into my last relationship when I started saying, like, hey, I want to, like, use this while we're having sex. And he was like, cool, okay, fine, whatever. Like, yeah, but I still needed more foreplay before, you know, to. So, Yeah, I don't know if that.
I forget what your question even was.
[00:35:49] Speaker B: No, it's what I. What I really enjoy. I ask these different questions and things go in directions, but there's always good stuff that's coming out. And I'm actually. This was another thing that stood out, and I'm glad you brought it up organically, is needing that intense clitoral stimulation, needing to use a toy, needing more foreplay. And it sounds like some of what you're asking for or what you're hoping to be able to do is be able to just communicate, ask for that, say, this is. This is what I need. This is what I, you know, works for me in my body.
And I'm curious, with all this confidence that, you know, you're talking about, what, why do you feel or do you feel hesitant to be able to explain that to somebody or to share that with somebody?
[00:36:42] Speaker C: Because I guess I've always felt like it's a disadvantage or it's like it's something that sets me apart in a negative way. That I'm not one of those girls that just, like, has an orgasm after three minutes of sex. Like, I always kind of felt insecure about it. Like, I'm not.
I'm not normal. You know what I mean? And that I'm basically just too much work. But then I've had sort of a realized. And I mean, with my last relationship, it just. I couldn't all of a sudden be like, so I've been faking orgasms for a year and a half. Like, I wasn't gonna do that.
So.
Yeah. Does that answer your question? So what to going into future relationships, I have decided to be 100% honest and be like, yeah. Which is huge.
[00:37:33] Speaker B: Yes. Huge. Yes.
[00:37:34] Speaker C: And if it weren't for this experience of meeting you and thinking about all this stuff and having you ask these questions and even just wrapping my head around, like, what I was going to say in this interview, that obviously I hope no one ever knows who I am because I've faced a lot of orgasms for a lot of years. Not something you really want everyone to know. At least not yet. At some point, I'm sure I'll go public with it, but, yeah, it's pretty huge. Yeah, I'm pretty excited about the future, but I also recognize that maybe I'm just not going to be for some guys, like, some guys who don't want to, you know, give me 30 minutes of foreplay, you know, once a week. I don't need it every time. But if that's not going to fit into their schedule, then I guess it's not going to work.
[00:38:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
Well, I have some really wonderful information I want to share with you that I hope that I'm actually pretty confident is going to make you feel a lot better.
[00:38:37] Speaker C: Okay.
[00:38:39] Speaker B: And actually, one thing that I'm going to share with you at the end is a resource to help you dive into it, too. But less than 8% of women experience an orgasm on penetration alone.
[00:38:56] Speaker C: What?
[00:38:58] Speaker B: And you guys are listening? You didn't see how big Laura's eyes just got, by the way. I did.
That means 92% of women need clitoral stimulation to experience an orgasm. 92%.
[00:39:17] Speaker C: So.
[00:39:19] Speaker B: What do you think about that?
[00:39:22] Speaker C: Huh? Well, I'm part of the 92% of women faking orgasms, I guess so. I guess I'm pretty normal.
[00:39:29] Speaker B: You're. Yes, you are 100% normal. And there are so many women out there. I know there are women that are listening to this right now that have also been faking orgasms because they feel like they aren't normal. They feel like it's taking them too long. They feel like there's something wrong with their bodies. They feel like their partner doesn't want to put in the time and the effort.
Their partner may or may not realize that they need to do that. And I'm here to tell you that the fact that you need that clitoral stimulation is literally exactly how our bodies were built.
Exactly how our bodies were built.
The other piece of information I want to share with you that I think is going to also help is something that I've said for many years is men. Men are like microwaves.
[00:40:16] Speaker C: Beep, beep, beep.
[00:40:17] Speaker B: They're hot.
Women, we're like ovens. We have to preheat.
And for most women, it takes us on average about 20 to 40 minutes to become fully aroused.
Which you know this. Yeah, I know this.
But we all have this impression somehow that there are these magical unicorn women that are out there that get aroused in three minutes. And there's probably a few. And there's probably a few times in our life that that might happen, depending on where we are in our cycle or who we're with, or if we're on vacation or if the moon is in Libra or whatever, I don't know.
But the vast majority of the time we need that 20 to 40 minutes. It takes. It does not take a lot of time for the blood to rush down to the penis and for them to get an erection. It's the same process for our bodies, but it takes much longer for all the blood to get down into that area.
So this five minute thing, that's a porn myth.
So there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not.
How do you. You are not broken. The fact that you need. The fact that it takes you. It's not a long time. It's taking you what it takes you. Because that's actually also how our body works. So you allowing your body to get into that full aroused state whether it takes 10 minutes or 40 minutes or an hour and it gets longer as we get older. Yay.
It's completely, totally normal.
[00:41:52] Speaker C: I also have always been totally fine with quickies and I don't need to orgasm them all the time.
You know, I'm happy to, you know, break out my toy later on in the day, you know, have a quickie in the morning, K by go to work. And then I'm gonna, I'm gonna take care of myself this afternoon.
[00:42:11] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:42:11] Speaker C: Have a little nap. Like, you know, like I don't need to have an orgasm every single time.
[00:42:16] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:42:16] Speaker C: You know, and that was the other thing that I've never really been. I mean, I've been pretty clear about that before, but not maybe not clear enough. And just to make sure that it's not like, you know. Yeah, I think, I think, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like men sort of need to orgasm more often. They get a little bit like pent up and a little bit mental if they don't. So. Not that they need, you know, not that my partner will need me for that. If he wants to do that himself, that's fine too.
[00:42:45] Speaker B: But anyways, yeah, no, well, and you're absolutely right is we don't need to orgasm every single time. We can experience a lot of pleasure and just enjoy that connection and all that. Now if you're an orgasming at least some of the time, you know, there's, there's a challenge may arise. But, but yes, we can experience pleasure. And I think, you know, this also goes into, you know, the way that we've been taught and this is something Dr. Trina says all the time. I love the way that she says this. The way that we've been taught to have sex is broken. Right. We've been taught to have orgasm focused sex. So men, you know, and I'm a mom of three boys, you know, they have erections from little, little ages, you know, then one day they discover that they can touch it, it feels good. All these things happen. So they learn to have orgasms very, very early on, early in puberty. And so that's how they learn to experience pleasure. And it's connected completely with the orgasm for them. The way that we learn to have sex and pleasure is very, very different and our bodies operate differently.
And so again, we don't have to have the orgasm every time.
But because that's how they have learned, they also think the same thing for us. Right. I have to give her an orgasm, which. Thank you we're not turning them down, but we also the sole focus on the orgasm. Orgasm focused sex can turn into feeling like pressure, expectation.
Why am I not getting there? It's taking me too long. You know, all of these things that then becomes the libido killer. And so your, what you had said earlier about looking for more pleasure focused, like that's, that's the best way to approach this, you know, is like let's, let's, let's forget about the orgasm. You know, if you give enough pleasure, guess what? The orgasm most likely is gonna come on its own. And their pun is completely intended there.
[00:44:46] Speaker C: Yeah, yeah.
It's all really good news. Really? Yeah, I just always thought of it as very negative news, very bad news, very like dun, dun, dun. But no, I'm, it's kind of an awakening that I'm having. It's pretty awesome. So thank you.
[00:45:03] Speaker B: Well, you're welcome. Excellent. I love sharing this with people because I think it just, it gives you a different lens to view again because I think for so long women's sexuality has been viewed just sort of as like a lesser, like, not so great version of men's sexuality. And actually our sexuality is so powerful, you know, we're capable of having really as many orgasms as we want to until we decide that we're done for now.
And there's just no end to the capacity of pleasure and exploration. And it sounds like you've been exploring that, you know, and, and you're looking to be able to with, you know, in the future, find the right person where you can continue to sort of explore these different areas. And so I give you permission to just say, you know, this is how my body's going to take, however long it takes. So have fun with it. Like, let's, let's see what happens.
[00:46:01] Speaker C: Yeah, it is a really good way to weed out the selfish people quite quickly, right?
[00:46:06] Speaker B: Yeah, yeah. Like on the first date.
[00:46:09] Speaker C: Like so just so you know, if we ever make it into, you know, an intimate sexual situation, you're going to be doing a lot of work.
And if you're not a fan of that, let's just end this now.
[00:46:26] Speaker B: Like, I would love it if you would say that in those first, you know, and, and the thing is there are men that love that and there are men that know that. And that'll be like 100. Like, thank you for clarifying. Oh, is that what you want? Okay, good to know. Right? And if they are like, I don't know what you're talking about. Well, you can Decide if you want to be the teacher or if you just want to cut your losses and move on.
[00:46:49] Speaker C: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.
[00:46:54] Speaker B: So this all started as a conversation about eye contact.
And I'm curious if.
I don't know. I'm curious if anything that we've talked about or shared can bring you back into. If you're looking at a future situation. When you're with somebody, does that. Do you feel like you might. Do you feel like that might help with eye contact? I don't know. I'm curious if you can wrap this back around.
[00:47:25] Speaker C: I think that I'm going to be okay with eye contact going forward.
I think I'm going to reframe it and kind of.
But I'm also going to trust myself. I think the harder it is to make eye contact, I'm going to really pay attention to that. Yeah, yeah.
[00:47:50] Speaker B: I think, I think you're 100% on point. I think that if it doesn't feel right, then don't do it. But you seem like somebody who is pretty into. You seem like you're very in tune with yourself. You know, for you're like, I need to get myself to know more. Like, you have a lot of beautiful insight already and I think you absolutely should trust that. And you know, it sounds like when you are in a place, when you're with somebody that you feel very comfortable with, that you feel safe with, you know, whether it's a long term person or a person that you enjoy spending time with a couple times a year when you aren't feeling that pressure, I think that you're gonna very easily be able to open up your eyes and stare in their eyes and if you let out a big, huge laugh, that's okay.
[00:48:37] Speaker C: Yeah, I like that.
[00:48:41] Speaker B: Excellent.
Well, I think we need to wrap it up for today.
[00:48:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:48:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:48:51] Speaker C: Wow. Let's end on a high note. That's like.
Yeah.
[00:48:56] Speaker B: So one thing that I like to ask at the end of my sessions is what are some of your biggest takeaways from our time together today?
[00:49:03] Speaker C: Well, the stat that you shared.
92. I'm one of the 92%. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'm one of the 92 percent. Yeah. Yep. Because I thought that like I was one of the 8%.
[00:49:17] Speaker B: Nope.
[00:49:17] Speaker C: No, I actually didn't think it was that bad. I thought, I always wondered, you know. Yeah, yeah. What those stats look like.
[00:49:28] Speaker B: If there's a phenomenal book called becoming clitorate by Dr. Lawrence M I N T Z. I've done a couple interviews with her. She's absolutely amazing. You could. She's got YouTube videos and all kinds of things, but the book is fantastic. I cannot recommend it highly enough. And she, she, she recently retired. She was a professor at University of Florida, I believe.
Sexuality professional professor. And she, she did all these amazing studies on women's sexuality and all that stuff. And she came. It's, it's fascinating. So I highly recommend picking up that book, reading it. If you're need another moment of clitoral. Clitoral empowerment. I would absolutely.
[00:50:14] Speaker C: Empowerment. That should be the name of your podcast.
[00:50:17] Speaker B: Oh, literally.
[00:50:19] Speaker C: Empowerment. Oh my gosh.
[00:50:21] Speaker B: I think that might be what we titled, what we titled this episode. Empowerment.
I love it. I love it.
All right, so the stat was very, was a big takeaway for you. What else?
[00:50:35] Speaker C: Well, just talking through. I feel very clear about.
Yeah, I feel very clear about, I guess the power thing and about where I am in my life and that I have nothing to fear about being completely honest with people that, you know, saying, oh, you're gonna have to spend more time with me naked. Too bad. Like, you know, like what, what was my problem with that?
Right. Like, I do feel so much more clear about the fact that this isn't a problem. It isn't a disadvantage. It's actually kind of a gift. Right. For the right type of person, which is perfect. It kind of weeds out lazy, self centered people.
Yeah. So no, I, yeah, it's been really good.
Thank you.
[00:51:26] Speaker B: Well, you're welcome. Well, thank you.
Well, I really enjoyed our time together today. Thank you so, so much for just opening up and joining us and just allowing us insight into your sexual empowerment journey, your growth and sexual development. And I'm really excited, I'm just excited for you to continue on this journey and hope that we can, you know, continue chatting. So thank you so much for.
[00:51:56] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:51:57] Speaker B: For being on here.
[00:51:58] Speaker C: Yeah, thank you. I hope that many, many, many, many, many women listen to this. Men too, actually. And I hope it changes their life for the better.
[00:52:07] Speaker B: Absolutely. I think that there's some really, you shared some really beautiful insights and nuggets that I know are going to help a lot of people. So thank you.
[00:52:15] Speaker A: Wow, Amy, there were so many takeaways from your session. So what were your top three things that you wanted to highlight from your session with Laura?
[00:52:27] Speaker B: This session was so powerful and I was so proud of Laura and how deep she went and how vulnerable she got with all of us. You know, the first thing that really stands out in this session to me is just how giving someone the space to talk about sex, intimacy and relationships can often bring to light the answers that that person is searching for. My clients usually already know the right answer, but they need help in finding it and validation through education and coaching that they are on the right path.
My second takeaway was that so many women feel like they take too long, they're too much, and that leads them to faking orgasms.
And in the session, you heard how simply sharing a few easy facts about how our bodies work completely changed the way that Laura viewed her sexuality and really started to empower her to feel more confident in her bedroom experiences. Laura's transformation here was absolutely beautiful. And last, I love how she ultimately felt like she would be better able to trust her own instinct and know when eye contact felt right for her. I'm excited for her when she gets into her next intimate relationship. I hope she'll update us on how it goes.
[00:53:45] Speaker A: I hope so too. And I just wanted to say a big thank you to Laura for being our first sex coaching podcast person. It took a huge amount of lady balls to do this and we are so grateful that she opened up and.
[00:54:00] Speaker B: Shared if you're interested in doing a sex coaching session with me, please go to my website suburban intimacy.com and book a free discovery call. If you want to experience more pleasure in the bedroom, feel more connected with your partner, and step into feeling like a sexually vibrant woman in all areas of your life, I would love to help you make that happen.
[00:54:23] Speaker A: And we would love to hear your thoughts about Amy and Laura's sex coaching session. So please tell us what you think and your observations observations in the comments section below.
[00:54:35] Speaker B: We hope to make this a regular part of our podcast. And so if you're interested in doing a sex coaching session for our podcast, email us at sensational sex podcastmail.com that's.
[00:54:47] Speaker A: It for us this week.
[00:54:49] Speaker B: Until next time, stay sexy on next week's episode of the Sensational Sex Podcast.
[00:54:56] Speaker A: It is impossible to have a satisfying sex life with a lifetime of unresolved guilt and shame anchoring you down.
[00:55:05] Speaker B: This is definitely one of those topics that you don't know what you don't know and you don't know how much better your sex can be until you get rid of the shame.
[00:55:16] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reed.
[00:55:18] Speaker B: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist and we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:55:27] Speaker A: In this Sensational Sex Podcast episode, we're rolling, rolling up our sleeves and giving you a concrete and easy six step shame smashing formula.
[00:55:38] Speaker B: We're using an example from one of my sex coaching clients when she uncovered a shameful memory from a past boyfriend who told her that her areolas were too big and now she doesn't like her husband to look at her.
[00:55:53] Speaker A: So as we walk you through the steps, you are going to see how tackling your sexual shame is easy and straightforward.
[00:56:03] Speaker B: Make sure you listen, because this podcast will give you the tools to create a sex life that's fulfilling for you.
Are you struggling with lack of desire, mismatched sex drives, pain or peri or postmenopausal shifts that affect your sex life? Are you craving more pleasure and passion in the bedroom, but you don't know where to start? At Suburban Intimacy, I offer a holistic blend of one to one coaching, educational workshops, online events, and curated bisexual intimacy products. Book a complimentary discovery call@suburban intimacy.com and while you're there, download your five free tips for sexy scheduled sex. Want to spice things up? Save Save 15 off your first order@suburban intimacy shop.com with the code podcast 15.
[00:56:58] Speaker A: Is Good Sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Go to trina read.com and check out my award winning books the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for my Success newsletter to get weekly free freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
