Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Do you want to try something new in the bedroom but do not know how to tell your partner?
[00:00:05] Speaker B: Join the club. The majority of couples feel paralyzed to talk openly, authentically and vulnerably. They're willing to share their bodies and have sex, but they aren't able to share their words.
[00:00:18] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reed.
[00:00:20] Speaker B: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist and we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:00:28] Speaker A: So in this Sensational Sex Podcast episode, you're going to find out when asking for something new how to approach this conversation, especially if you've never done this before and are really nervous.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Then we'll discuss how you can ask for a big sexual change or a small sexual change.
[00:00:51] Speaker A: And we're going to tell you how to ask in a way that your partner won't feel criticized.
[00:00:57] Speaker B: Finally, we'll walk you through what to do if your partner rejects what you're asking for.
[00:01:03] Speaker A: Make sure to listen to this podcast where we give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you. We are thrilled to partner with X Ends who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:01:19] Speaker B: X Ends has an amazing and luxurious, cooling, arousing gel that is perfect for those motivate me moments that will tell you about halfway through through this podcast.
[00:01:30] Speaker A: We love what Extends is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: Check them out at extends-usa.com that's ex s e n s usa.com.
[00:01:48] Speaker A: Welcome to the Sensational Sex Podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week and take a small step. Soon enough you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media at Sensational Sex Podcast. Share this episode, return next week, leave a review and thank you so much for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:02:37] Speaker B: Hello beautiful people. I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. Thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy you're joining us.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: I'm Dr. Trina Reid and even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you and we are here to help you with that.
[00:02:57] Speaker B: The number one way to have better sex more often is to I think everyone listening is going to guess this. Communicate with your partner.
[00:03:08] Speaker A: So even though I think most people know how important communication is, and if you didn't know, Every sex expert under the sun encourages you to be open, vulnerable. Vulnerable and transparent in your communication. Couples feel paralyzed to talk openly, authentically, and vulnerably.
[00:03:29] Speaker B: It's one of those big mysteries of the world, like the Egyptian pyramids. People are willing to share their bodies and have sex, but they aren't able.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: To share their words, which is lucky for us because it keeps us employed. Sexual communication is a really broad topic. It's like an umbrella with a lot of different spokes. And because it's just. There's just so much going on with communication, we're going to narrow this podcast down to a question that Amy and I get all the time, which is, how can you ask your partner to try something different in the bedroom?
[00:04:09] Speaker B: This conversation should be straightforward. Hey, I'd love it if we could try this fun new thing. But of course, it's like walking through a minefield.
[00:04:20] Speaker A: So I think people don't want to communicate because we believe our partner is going to feel criticized and. Or if you say something that you want that's different in the bedroom, it's going to start a huge, unnecessary fight.
[00:04:36] Speaker B: Exactly. So we're going to get into how to ask for what you want without it being critical at the end of this podcast.
[00:04:45] Speaker A: So I think we should just take a pause right here to tell everybody who's listening that we get it.
[00:04:52] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:04:54] Speaker A: So there's. There's the theory of asking for what you want, and then there's the actual asking for what you want. And these are two very different things. Opening up and confessing what makes you feel sexually happy and fulfilled is probably one of the most difficult things that we can do as human beings.
[00:05:18] Speaker B: It's like you're standing at a precipice where you know that in order to have better sex, you need to ask for it, but you need the sexual confidence to make the jump to the other side. And most of us don't have that sexual confidence. It's too scary. And you don't want to do it?
[00:05:35] Speaker A: No, of course not. So because making that big jump really is too much, too soon, we're going to break this down into four small steps so that you can do this gradually.
[00:05:49] Speaker B: You will find out how to approach the conversation, especially if you've never done this before and you're really nervous.
[00:05:57] Speaker A: Then we're going to discuss how to ask for a big sexual change or a small sexual change.
[00:06:05] Speaker B: And then we'll walk you through how to ask in a way that your partner won't see as criticism, and what.
[00:06:12] Speaker A: You can do if your partner rejects what you've just asked for.
[00:06:18] Speaker B: Oh, my goodness. This is so important. The anticipation of our partner taking this the wrong way and or being rejected stops so many couples from trying new things.
[00:06:30] Speaker A: Yeah. Oh, my God. And we just want to help you with this. So if you're still not convinced that you want to take that leap of asking for something new, here's some motivation.
[00:06:42] Speaker B: Several studies have found that talking about sex improves sex and relationship quality. It can be especially helpful for ensuring that women orgasm more frequently.
[00:06:54] Speaker A: I think that's motivation enough. Just right there. I think we should all start communicating.
[00:06:59] Speaker B: Absolutely. And here is my sex coaching pro tip. If this is something that you and your partner struggle with, this is a great episode to listen to together.
[00:07:10] Speaker A: And if it's too weird to listen to this with each other, then email your partner this podcast link. Then give it a week, and once you've both had time to think, circle back and start talking about this communication podcast.
[00:07:25] Speaker B: You know what's interesting is this is exactly how James and I started talking about sex was I started listening to some sex podcasts, and then I started sending him some links. At that point, we were both, you know, traveling a lot, so we were spending a lot of time in the car. And so I would send him these links to these podcasts. I said, oh, I listened to this. It's really interesting. What do you think? And then he would listen to it. And that opened the door to us starting to talk about things more, starting to explore things more. So it's a really easy, non committal way of saying, hey, honey, this is resonating with me. I'm curious how this resonates with you.
[00:08:10] Speaker A: Yeah. And just on the same note, my husband is a reader, so that's how he learns things, he reads things. So I send him articles, which is the same thing. Right. So I'm like, this is something I am interested in. I send him the article, article. And. And he is very keen every single time I send him an article. So I think when we send our partners the. A podcast or an article, I think they want this as much as we do. And. And it's just one way to open up that conversation.
[00:08:41] Speaker B: Yeah. The. The other thing that I know I struggle with is especially if whatever it is that I want to talk about is kind of emotionally fraught or maybe I'm worried about conflict or something like that, I have a really hard Time getting things out of my mouth, and I cry. Like, I'm not sad, but I just cry when I'm frustrated or confused, like, and that just shuts everything down. And so I find that I can't say whatever it is that I want to say. So just being able to send this and say this. This is everything that I was thinking or I really resonated with this part makes that conversation a lot simpler.
[00:09:19] Speaker A: Yeah, sex brings up so much emotion, and it's. And a sexual conversation is so emotionally charged that I think this is just a really nice way to bridge that gap for sure. So let's move into how someone listening to this podcast can approach this conversation of asking for something different in the bedroom.
[00:09:39] Speaker B: So, ideally, you and your partner share the same goal, which is for both of you to enjoy your sexual experience equally. This is a team effort. So go into this with the mindset that you both will do whatever it takes to make the sex work for you.
[00:09:58] Speaker A: Yet sex is a team sport. And, you know, I think it's important to remember that. And you need to tell your partner if you're feeling nervous or vulnerable or anxious about asking. For example, you could say something like, I'm new to sharing what I want, and I'm really nervous and anxious about it.
[00:10:19] Speaker B: If the roles were reversed and your partner told you that they were nervous, it completely changes the tone of the conversation from defensive to sympathetic.
[00:10:29] Speaker A: So perhaps you're hesitating to ask because you believe that you have to be 100% sure that you're going to love whatever you're asking for in the bedroom. You don't. This is why it's called sexual plague. You don't have to be absolutely certain that you will love what you're asking for.
[00:10:50] Speaker B: And if you're feeling a little shaky about asking for something that you like, you can tell yourself, I'm not committing to this as part of my sex life forever. It's just something that I want to try. And if you try something that you asked for and you don't like the results, it's okay. It's okay to stop midway through. It's okay to not try it again.
[00:11:12] Speaker A: And I am a prepared person. Amy can tell you this. I like to be prepared for everything. So for me, when I'm going into an emotionally charged, difficult conversation, I always go in prepared. Would this be true, Amy? Can you see me doing this 100% always? I promise you, it's not, you know, like, it works. It just works. So what I like to do is think about what I want to say and then I practice it out loud. And yes, I do feel silly and awkward saying it out loud, but I promise you, when I go into that conversation, because I've practiced it a few times, I'm a lot more confident in what I'm going to say and I always make sure to include open ended questions.
[00:11:56] Speaker B: Open ended questions are questions that don't prompt a yes or no answer, but instead they leave space for your partner to respond how they wish.
[00:12:05] Speaker A: So an example of an open ended question is how was your day? Rather than did you have a good day?
[00:12:13] Speaker B: A common question that is heard in bedrooms around the world all the time is did you have an orgasm? And that is a yes or no question. I'd like to propose an open ended question, what can I do to bring more pleasure into tonight's bedroom experience for you?
[00:12:33] Speaker A: So you don't have to actually say those words, but you get the gist.
[00:12:36] Speaker B: It might be a little far.
[00:12:37] Speaker A: So what can we do? What can we do? And you're going to say it differently. Amy, would you ever go in prepared or are you just more of a spontaneous person?
[00:12:48] Speaker B: Well, you know that generally speaking, I am a bit of a wing it person, but when I have something important to say, I do prepare one. A strategy that I've used for many, many years is, and again, it goes back to if there's something important that's emotional for me that I know I'm going to get upset about. If we're in an argument, this is in or out of the bedroom, I write him an email and I'll usually take three or four days to write this email because I kind of vomit everything out that's in my head. And then I just take some time to refine it and organize it and all that stuff. And James knows when he, when he gets an email, that's the, that's the dreaded honey, we have to talk.
But I express myself so much clearer when I'm able to sit down and put my thoughts into words. And again, I send it to him in an email and then I usually give them a day or two to digest it and then we set up a time when we can really talk through it.
So yeah, I do prepare for big conversations like that.
[00:13:53] Speaker A: So what I like about this is there's multiple ways that you can have a conversation. You can have a face to face conversation. And by the way, here's a good tip from my trainer days. Don't have a face to face conversation. Sit side by side because that Makes the conversation so much easier. And, you know, like, if you're in the car and you're, you know, you're trapped in the car, and now you have to have this conversation, you're sitting side by side, and it's so much easier to have this.
[00:14:22] Speaker B: Yeah, that's. That's one of the biggest things that I've heard speaking with teens. Right. Like, I have the best conversations I typically have with my teenagers is in the car, side by side, not looking at each other. It's just so much better conversation and thoughts come out of that time.
[00:14:42] Speaker A: Yeah, my. My kids, too. That's our safe space. That's where we have all of our challenging conversations. But that we're not talking about teens, we're talking about.
We're going to move on to the actual asking for what you want.
[00:14:56] Speaker B: When you ask for something that you want, it's important to understand the difference between when it can and should be done in the moment and when you need to do that outside of the bedroom.
[00:15:08] Speaker A: So asking during sex is appropriate for something small, a technique change or an adjustment of your body, or, you know, you want it a little to the left, maybe a tiny bit to the right. These are good instructions to give during sex.
[00:15:24] Speaker B: You can prompt your partner with things like harder, slower, faster, a little to the right.
[00:15:31] Speaker A: But let's say, Amy, that what you want to do is bring a sex toy into the bedroom.
[00:15:38] Speaker B: Is this a big ask or is this a small ask?
I would say that if you've never brought sex toys into the bedroom, then it is a big ask and you might want to have this conversation outside of the bedroom.
[00:15:54] Speaker A: So we talk about positive mindset an awful lot in this podcast, and the same is true with your conversation. You need to go in expecting this conversation is going to turn out well. And, and so you really need to catch yourself with any negative selft talk sabotaging, like telling yourself that your partner won't go for this idea or it's going to start a fight.
[00:16:19] Speaker B: Always ask for what you want with appreciative enthusiasm. There's a, a big difference in the approach. When you say something like, there's something I'd love to try with you, or versus saying something like, there's this toy. I think we need to use it. The approach makes a really big difference. So you can say something like, I want us to try this together.
[00:16:44] Speaker A: Yeah. And the best communicators are the best listeners, which is why at this moment, you need to actively listen to your partner's response.
[00:16:58] Speaker B: The most Important part is to listen and leave room for your partner's input. Be open to their feedback, and watch if you start to feel a little defensive.
[00:17:10] Speaker A: So active listening involves letting your partner speak openly without interrupting them or chiming in. And this might sound easy, but active listening actually requires maturity, focus, and concentration.
[00:17:26] Speaker B: The point of active listening is for you to process what your partner is saying without being reactive or talking over them.
[00:17:35] Speaker A: Or if your partner is anything like me, who does not like any surprises, you need to give them some time to think and process your request of bringing a sex toy in. Like, maybe they just need to. Like, they're like, okay. And then they need to go away for a day or two and then come back to this idea.
[00:17:53] Speaker B: James and I are similar to this. Neither. Neither one of us like to be told directly to do something. So what we've discovered, and we both do this, is we both tend to casually mention something first just to put it in the other's head. And then if it doesn't happen, we will get more direct. And over the years, we've learned to tune into that first hint. James gave me one yesterday. I've got a lot of clothes on my side of the bed. And he was like, so, honey, do.
[00:18:23] Speaker A: You think maybe we could work on.
[00:18:25] Speaker B: Picking up those clothes on the side of the bed? And. Which I didn't do. I should do that today.
But we. We have a really strong basis of communication. And so while generally I recommend maybe being a little more direct, because a lot of times men don't pick up on hints. This is what works for us in our marriage.
[00:18:46] Speaker A: So in my marriage, my husband is a talker. He's a talker. And I've had to learn how to say, it's my turn now, and he has to stop and listen to me. And that took me 10 years to figure out. So you're welcome for this piece, this tip. But I just. I just come out and say, it's my turn now, and he has learned to shut, and then it. So that's how we work that out.
[00:19:12] Speaker B: And I think what's important to highlight here is different strategies are going to work in different relationships, you know, and it very much depends on the personalities. And, you know, sometimes you're going to have two strong personalities or you'll have one more dominant personality and one quieter personality. So figuring out what works best for you is important there. And it's funny, I have a. I have a hard time imagining you being the one having to interrupt because, you know, you always have a lot to say in a beautiful way as well. So. But I love that you're like, nope, it's my turn now. I'm going to say what I have to say. So I love that assertiveness.
[00:19:54] Speaker A: Yeah. My husband has a very strong personality and there's a reason he's attracted to strong, intelligent women. His mother was a very strong, intelligent woman. And you know, but the thing is, once he gets upset or, you know, he, he just starts talking. That's his thing. Right. And we've had, you know, I, you just learn to live with these things. But in our marriage, I've just had to learn to put my foot in and say, no, it's my turn to be heard now. And I think for a lot of women, they have to step in and say, no, it's my turn to be heard now, you know, and we actually have to, you know, however that comes.
[00:20:28] Speaker B: Out for you, James and I, I think we both tend to be, I don't know, a little more just deferential and easygoing. I think we match in that as well. But what that often results in is things not happening because neither of us really want to speak up or say something. And so what we have learned to do is I dropped hints all the time, oh, I want to foster s'more kittens. And if I don't hear a distinct no, then that is a yes for me. So what James has learned to do is if he really means no, then he has to say that very, very clearly. Because if I don't get a distinct no, then I will always interpret that as permission to go do whatever it is that I want.
[00:21:13] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:21:14] Speaker B: All right. I love that.
[00:21:15] Speaker A: I love that every single marriage is different. And you know, it's a, it's a, it's the vet marriages are the best self development course you could ever take.
[00:21:24] Speaker B: Yeah, 100%. And, and these, and these communication strategies grow and evolve over time. So there's, there's so much to process here. Why don't we go ahead and take a moment for our sponsorship break and then we will move into our sex iq.
[00:21:38] Speaker A: Okay, so we'll take a one minute, make happy sex memories with an X end motivate me moment.
[00:21:46] Speaker B: Because the best couple moments are when you look at each other with knowing smiles over your morning coffee.
[00:21:53] Speaker A: Sometimes. Okay, maybe a lot of times women need a little help getting in the mood. So men, if you want to know how to make sex happen more often, then listen up.
[00:22:05] Speaker B: Most women in long term relationships need a little motivation to get from eh to yeah, and that's where you need the help of Xcenz Cooling Arousal gel.
[00:22:16] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reed from the Sensational Sex Podcast.
[00:22:20] Speaker B: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. And a big thanks to Xsens for bringing you these sensual arousal tips.
[00:22:29] Speaker A: So maybe you've had the experience where you initiate sex and your partner did not seem into it.
[00:22:35] Speaker B: Instead of feeling rejected, you need to look at this a little differently. Your job is to help coax her sexual desire and arousal. And sometimes that can take a little time. This is why every sex expert under the sun recommends foreplay and I call it core play because it's not optional.
[00:22:57] Speaker A: Too many women feel there is something wrong with her if she doesn't experience spontaneous arousal, meaning when sex is initiated, she is immediately turned on. So for your information, she probably feels very insecure about this and doesn't know how to tell you.
[00:23:14] Speaker B: You need to let her know that it's okay and that you understand that the longer you've been together, the more she'll experience a delayed sexual response, meaning it's going to take her body some time to catch up to what's going on.
[00:23:30] Speaker A: So nobody else is going to tell you this, so we will. Having her come first is not always the solution. In fact, when a woman feels the pressure to perform on command with every sexual experience, it can decrease her chances of orgasming.
[00:23:47] Speaker B: Instead, you need to help wake up her body with sensuality. And that's where Xcend's cooling arousal gel is going to be your new best friend.
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[00:24:15] Speaker B: Here's my pro tip. Xcenz Cooling arousal gels are super strong, so just use a drop to start. This is not a lubricant, however, it will help her lubricate. You can always add more. It's best to let your partner apply this because you don't know exactly what feels good to her.
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[00:26:21] Speaker A: So we're back, Amy, with our sex iq and we have a communication question for you today. So in a relationship, are men or women better at communicating about sex? Is it A, men, B, women, or C, neither?
[00:26:43] Speaker B: The answer, and this surprised me, is men.
Results suggested that men reported greater sexual self disclosure, more frequent sexual communication, but poorer quality of communication than women.
[00:27:00] Speaker A: In 2022, a cross country sample of 7,130 respondents from six European countries had researchers investigating the sociodemographic predictors of different facets of sexual communications and their association with sexual relationship and life satisfaction.
[00:27:23] Speaker B: A large proportion of respondents reported difficulties with sexual communication or a wish to improve their communication.
[00:27:33] Speaker A: Researchers found that self disclosure, frequency of communication and quality of communication were important.
[00:27:42] Speaker B: But the strongest predictors were sexual frequency and dissatisfaction with the low frequency of sex. They found very little cross country variation here.
[00:27:54] Speaker A: So if you're wondering what this all means, it means that men were very motivated to talk about sex when they weren't getting enough.
[00:28:04] Speaker B: This does not surprise me at all.
You know, I definitely have found and I, I think you have too. We've, we've talked about this before, but I found that men have always been a lot more engaged when discussing things online. When I send out emails to my newsletter, usually the responses that I get are from men.
[00:28:26] Speaker A: My experience with speaking to thousands and thousands of women is no one really wants to say anything until that one brave woman actually says it. And it's like it gives women permission to speak. So somebody has to be brave enough. And then suddenly once one woman speaks, it's like the floodgates open.
[00:28:50] Speaker B: Yeah, I think Women have to feel like they are in a safe space as well, because, you know, especially online, you know, if you're just commenting on a post, you don't know who's going to see that. And so I think people feeling like the things that they're revealing are both safe and private is really important as well.
[00:29:13] Speaker A: So there was a time, like, back a long time ago, when I was giving a lot of seminar sex seminars to women. I had it down where I would get the women to open up. And we were having amazing discussions, and. And then somebody said to Trina, you really should open this course up for couples. And I thought, well, you know, I'll give it a try, because I know it's so important. But as soon as the men came in the room, all the techniques I had for opening up women to talking and expressing themselves and all this, it just flatlined like nobody. Nobody was willing to talk because there were men in the room. And I was.
I was gobsmacked at how that just everything just shut down.
[00:29:58] Speaker B: Yeah, I've had similar experiences in my years of doing intimacy toy parties. With one company, there was a rule that it had to be women only, that men were not allowed. With another company, we were allowed to have men and do couples parties. And I will say, of the couples parties that I did, a few of them worked out well because they knew each other pretty well. But I definitely had many experiences where there were couples where they didn't necessarily know each other, and it was more like what you were reporting, that they were just, you know, shyer people, didn't want to open up. You could tell it just felt awkward.
All right, well, let's head back to communication. This is the part of our podcast where we're going to put on our sexologist hats, and we're going to give you some concrete and practical tools to help your sexual situation.
[00:30:48] Speaker A: So something that we've said in every single one of our podcasts is that women need to believe that her sexual needs matter just as much as her partner. And, Amy, what does this have to do with communication?
[00:31:05] Speaker B: Women get what they ask for. And because most women don't believe that, one, her sexual needs matter, two, her partner may take her request as criticism, three, or she may be rejected.
Those three things mean that women often don't ask for anything.
[00:31:26] Speaker A: And if you don't ask, that's exactly what you end up getting. A big fat goose egg of nothing.
[00:31:34] Speaker B: So let's go through how you can ask in a way that doesn't feel critical.
[00:31:41] Speaker A: So Often when someone gives us feedback, a person's go to is to believe that they've done something wrong.
[00:31:49] Speaker B: For example, if someone called you into their office, is your first thought, yippee, must have done something really great. Or is it like, oh what did I do? Why am I in trouble?
[00:31:58] Speaker A: To add to this, sometimes when we're trying to understand what we want, it gets confused with what we don't want. Do not say to your partner, you're not doing this right, or you always do this or you never do this.
[00:32:15] Speaker B: Those are critical statements. And think about how you would feel if your partner said that to you.
[00:32:20] Speaker A: Meaning it's important to share the why you want to try this sex toy with your partner.
[00:32:29] Speaker B: Your reason could be it sounds hot or you're curious or you really love the way this feels when you masturbate.
[00:32:39] Speaker A: So sharing the why helps your partner to know this is not a criticism. And make sure to take tell your partner that this is about you wanting to be more connected with them.
[00:32:51] Speaker B: When you start the conversation, tell your partner something specific that you like. The more specific, the better you can say I like it when you do this and this and do you know what I would like even more?
[00:33:07] Speaker A: So it's my experience the best communication tip is to be specific. The more specific you can be, especially with men, not all men, but generally with men, the more specific you can be, the better better it is for everybody. So next you need to say what you want by using an I feel statement. You could say something like I feel this sex toy would really add to our sex. What do you think notice? Did you notice that open ended question at the end? Did you get that?
[00:33:35] Speaker B: Yes, I love that.
[00:33:36] Speaker A: And then you need to active listen. Then you need to active listen.
[00:33:40] Speaker B: I feel statements are a core of a therapy technique, couples therapy. Rather than you do this or you know, I do that, you know, or I am this saying I feel. Because you can't argue with emotions, all emotions are valid. And so saying that I feel this would really add to our sex feels very non threatening to me.
[00:34:09] Speaker A: Yeah. And then there's the other side of I have a very practical German husband who like it's like it's not that he disregards feelings, but it's like it kind of go like he doesn't really get the whole I feel thing. So you might be with a partner who if you use an I feel statement they're like, you know, don't get it. So it's always good to use. But again, as we've been saying over and over. Every marriage is different. So that might not work here.
[00:34:37] Speaker B: What happens if your words aren't working? And sometimes it's difficult for you to explain.
In this case, you can try a nonverbal approach and you can show your partner.
[00:34:50] Speaker A: So what you do is you take their hand or use your tongue to show your partner the speed, the pressure, and the technique that you need.
[00:35:00] Speaker B: In the sexology world, we call this handwriting. Taking their hand and showing you where and how you like to be touched. Or you can use your own hand and they can put their hand on top of yours.
[00:35:16] Speaker A: So going into a conversation, I think a lot of times we have that self talk, sabotage, where we're saying, oh, this is going to start a fight. Oh, they're not going to like this. Oh, all those thoughts are in our head and they're just thoughts. So I think if you go into this expecting a yes, expecting good results, chances are it's going to turn out well.
[00:35:41] Speaker B: I think so much of this has to do with the delivery as well. And that is when you're going into it with a positive mindset, when you're going into it with enthusiasm and excitement versus trepidation and expecting a no, that is going to come through. And, you know, if you approach something and say, you know, well, I don't know, like, I think I want to try it, like, they're immediately going to be like, what is it? Why are they so hesitant about it? And that may make the person feel hesitant as well.
[00:36:14] Speaker A: So the question becomes, Amy, what happens if our partner rejects what you want?
[00:36:23] Speaker B: That is the biggest fear and can be a very challenging situation.
You know, our podcasting friend, Heather Shannon, she said, is it possible that you're rejecting yourself? So much of rejection is about the story that you're telling yourself.
[00:36:42] Speaker A: I absolutely agree with that. You know, sometimes we talk ourselves out of things because we're just so scared of what the answer might be. And I, and I also think, you know, we fear failure, but we also fear success. So if your partner says, yeah, let's do that, that sounds great. I think we also have some anxiety around that too.
[00:37:02] Speaker B: Sure. Because if they do say, yes, let's do it, then you have to do it. And then I think the fear arises of, well, what if it doesn't go well? Or what isn't doesn't go, or what if it doesn't go the way that I thought it would or that I wanted it to, or what if I hate it? And so sometimes we reject those ideas before we ever bring them up to the partner.
[00:37:32] Speaker A: I don't understand. But I do understand why rejection weighs so heavy with so many couples. You know, if you say, hey, let's try something, and they're like, no, it's like a visceral reaction to having this person say no. You know, just. And I don't understand why we take this no so personally.
[00:37:57] Speaker B: Yeah, I. I think there's also a fear of, well, things are good enough. So I don't know if I want to rock the boat. I don't know if I want to open up that can of worms. What if. What if we'd like, you know, what if we try this and we like it so much that we always have to do this? What if it completely transforms our sex life and we can never go back to having the sex we were having before?
But I do think that the rejection can feel very personal. And I think that's tied to the fact that obviously fantasies and things that we want, things that we desire, things that maybe have been living in our head, you know, rent free for whether it's been weeks or decades. If you finally have the nerve to bring it up to a partner and they are like, oh, what's wrong with you? I think that's the ultimate fear is this fear that people will think that you're gross or crazy or dirty or disgusting or something like that.
[00:39:11] Speaker A: The shame and the guilt and the rejection are all intertwined here. And, you know, I can understand why people don't want to bring things up. And yet I find that when you do bring things up with your partner, like, they're so happy that you've done it and they won't reject you, and maybe. And maybe it's not exactly what. Exactly what they want to do. And yet it's a jumping off point for you, too.
[00:39:41] Speaker B: Yes. I think the way that it's presented and I think what's important is for a partner to at least keep a bit of an open mind. And if it. If it is a hard no, then that is absolutely okay to say no. This is not something that I am interested in trying.
But there are also opportunities for a compromise. So perhaps it's no, I'm not sure that I want you to tie me up, but I'm willing to try some fuzzy handcuffs. So sometimes there's a middle ground or a way to explore whatever that particular suggestion or request is in a way that feels safer and more easily accessible. And so even finding that very first step, I think, can be really important. And that can pave the way for Further exploration.
[00:40:43] Speaker A: Yeah. So in line with what you're saying, pay attention to whether you are anticipating the sting of rejection and whether that's psyching you out. And if yes, you need to do a body check in. Then go into this no conversation with an open mind, anticipating a yes.
[00:41:05] Speaker B: And even though it's really hard, don't take a no personally. A no means that your partner isn't interested in that particular activity right now, and it has nothing to do with who you are. It's like if you asked your partner if they wanted to try ketchup on their sandwich and they say no, Them disliking ketchup has nothing to do with with you.
[00:41:31] Speaker A: Instead, take a no to mean that your request might mean a small amount of tweaking on what sex toy they want to try. Or it could also be a misunderstanding because your partner needs time to think. Or they just might need some more information.
[00:41:48] Speaker B: Or perhaps there could be something that's blocking your partner's willingness to follow through. Such as? Maybe they're shame triggers.
[00:41:58] Speaker A: Yeah, so that's something we don't think about is, you know, we've got our stuff, but then they've got their stuff too. And so maybe they're grappling with their stuff, and we have to be sympathetic to that. Might be as simple as seeing this from your partner's perspective. And you can do this by repeating back what they have just said to you.
[00:42:18] Speaker B: By doing this, you're validating their feelings and you're showing that you did hear them.
[00:42:24] Speaker A: So something that I've done for a long time when I'm in an emotionally charged conversation is to say something like, what I hear you saying, is this. Is that correct? Or it sounds like you feel like this, is that correct? I do this with everyone. My husband, my kids, my family. And it's gotten me out of so many emotional, messy jams. And the beautiful thing about this is you do not have to agree with what they're saying, but you're making sure that you have heard what they're trying to communicate.
[00:42:59] Speaker B: And that's really helpful because in most relationships, each partner has different ways of communicating. It's very typical that one of you is better at listening and then the other is better at expressing themselves. And it's especially important in the heat of the moment. I remember James and I were in an argument once, and I don't remember what it was about, but I repeated back what I heard him say, and he explained that what I heard wasn't what he had meant. At all. And it really diffused the situation and it helped us get back onto the same page.
[00:43:37] Speaker A: Yeah, I've had this experience happen to me where my husband's repeating back what he heard me say and it wasn't what I was trying to say. So, you know, there was just this miscommunication and that was just a really easy way to like. It's like, no, that's not what I'm saying to you. This is what I'm saying to you. And it's, you know. But in that moment, even though we're frustrated and angry, I did feel like he was trying to understand what I was saying to him, even if he got it wrong, you know, and so it really helps to move that communication forward.
[00:44:10] Speaker B: Yeah, I, I think that the repetition and trying and the challenging part is when you are heated, even if it's like, no, that's not what I said. What I said is that's when you have to take the deep breath. And I hear that you heard that I said this, but what I really intended for you to hear was this. So taking a deep breath, dialing back a little bit of that, er, that can come out, especially in those more intense discussions, as we like to call them, sometimes can help diffuse that situation. If your partner does come to you with a request that you really aren't open to or that you really don't understand, or you're not sure if you're going to like opening your mind and saying, help me understand a little bit more about why you want to try this, or what is it about this particular fantasy? Or what is it about this particular thing that you are curious about exploring with me? Because, you know, sometimes it just comes from something that they've seen or heard. Sometimes it's a fantasy, sometimes it's just an idea. But when you can understand what's behind it, again, that also gives you the ability to come up with a compromise or come up with a place where you guys can come together and explore something fun in a new way.
[00:45:47] Speaker A: Absolutely. And I feel like communication is one of those things that, you know, you build upon so, you know, you have your, your foundation. And then longer you are as a couple, the more that you're building on this foundation and figuring out ways that work for you. And I just feel like communication is never static. It's a forever evolving thing and you're forever improving upon your communication with your. With your partner.
[00:46:13] Speaker B: Yes. And the other thing that I will say that's important with rejection is something that may be a no Right now, or I'm not interested right now, in six months or a year or two years or five years down the line that no might have shifted into a maybe. And so I certainly am not advocating for badgering your partner. Okay, how about now? How about now? Definitely not that. But sometimes touching base on those types of things a little bit later on down the line, especially if your relationship has progressed or you've started exploring some new things in the bedroom, you might find that those interests do start to shift.
[00:46:54] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a really good point. Because sex is forever evolving and who, what you are doing now is going to be very different five years from now. And five years from now, as you say, there might be an opening for this. So, you know, don't. I think once the person, once the person says no, we just are like, oh, that's it, that's done. And it's not, as you say, it's something that we can pick up, you know, in time.
[00:47:17] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:47:18] Speaker A: Wow. Amy, we just went through a lot of information, so how about we recap the four couple communication ideas that we've learned?
[00:47:28] Speaker B: Number one, you and your partner share the same goal to enjoy your sexual experience equally. Tell your partner if you're feeling nervous, vulnerable and anxious about asking.
[00:47:43] Speaker A: And when you ask for something you want, understand the difference between when it can be done in the moment and when you need to wait.
[00:47:53] Speaker B: It's important to know how to ask without sounding critical. Make sure to use I feel statements so that you focus on your feelings rather than on your partner's actions.
[00:48:06] Speaker A: Finally, what if your partner rejects you? Instead of shutting down, communicate this from their perspective.
[00:48:16] Speaker B: This was a jam packed podcast, so take some time to think. Pick one of these strategies that you can do today and then do it.
[00:48:27] Speaker A: That's right. Doing it is the most important thing. And once you implement that one thing, please come back and re listen to this for your next communication idea.
[00:48:38] Speaker B: That's it for us.
[00:48:40] Speaker A: Until next time. Stay sexy.
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[00:49:32] Speaker A: Sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Go to trinaread.com and check out my award winning books, the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for my Success newsletter to get weekly freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
