[00:00:00] Speaker A: In this episode, we go through a letter from a woman that we'll call Jane and the sexual struggles that she's dealing with.
[00:00:07] Speaker B: So how did women get here? It's completely messed up that Jane is compelled to push herself so hard, ask for so little, and expect even less.
[00:00:17] Speaker A: Why does communicating about sexual needs, setting boundaries, and negotiating seem to be such an impasse for most women? More importantly, what can you do about it?
[00:00:28] Speaker B: Make sure to listen, because this podcast will give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you. We are thrilled to partner with xens, who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:00:43] Speaker C: Xenz has an amazing and luxurious cooling arousing gel that is perfect for those motivate me moments that we'll tell you about halfway through this podcast.
[00:00:54] Speaker B: We love what Xsens is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
[00:01:00] Speaker C: Check them out at xenz dash uSa.com. that's exsens uSa.com dot.
[00:01:09] Speaker D: Welcome to the Sensational Sex podcast, where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do.
Amy Rowan and doctor Trina Reid have the answers, and all you have to.
[00:01:33] Speaker B: Do is join us each week.
[00:01:36] Speaker D: Soon you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life.
Follow us on social media at sensationalsexpodcast. Share this episode, leave a review and thank you for subscribing. Now let's. Let's start the show.
[00:01:55] Speaker E: Hello, beautiful people. I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. Thank you for listening to the sensational sex podcast. We're so happy that you're joining us.
[00:02:05] Speaker F: And I'm doctor Trina Reid. And even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you. And we're here to help you with that. Amy, I love your t shirt.
[00:02:19] Speaker E: Thank you. I like your t shirt, too.
[00:02:22] Speaker F: Thank you.
[00:02:23] Speaker E: Yes. So cute. This is a different one than I wore last time. I like it, though, because I feel like it's a little more subtle.
[00:02:31] Speaker F: It is subtle. And for our subtle women who are listening, this is a perfect t shirt for them. Or you can be more in your face professional.
Whatever you prefer, whatever you're in the mood for.
[00:02:44] Speaker E: We've got something for you. We've got you covered.
And wait, do you have a coffee mug?
[00:02:51] Speaker F: I do.
And I'm also wearing motivate me panties. So there you go.
I'm kidded out. I'm not going to show you my panties, though. I'm sorry.
[00:03:01] Speaker E: Okay, you have to keep a little something under wraps. Maybe you'll surprise your husband with that tonight.
[00:03:07] Speaker F: So Amy, why does every listener need a motivate me t shirt and coffee mug?
[00:03:16] Speaker E: Well, this is an easy way to remind yourself to learn to initiate sex, and most importantly, to ask for what you want. This t shirt, it's like a swiss army knife. It's an easy way to initiate sex, communicate and ask for what you want. Can you imagine what your partner would say if they saw you wearing this?
[00:03:39] Speaker F: I know what they're going to say when they see you wearing this, and it's all good things.
So if you want your very own motivate me t shirt, coffee mug, maybe you want some underwear. You're in luck because we're doing a limited sale from November 11 to 25th, and you can go to our website, sensationalsexpodcast.com to find out more details.
[00:04:04] Speaker E: And the sale starts next week.
[00:04:10] Speaker F: You know, you can't really see it on the screen, Amy.
It's hard to read, but you notice that the hashtag at the very bottom it says, it's all about me. So this week we're talking about whether you are worth it, which is a pillar to you being sexually fulfilled. So every sex expert under the sun talks about the importance of communication. And communication is quintessential to a fulfilling sex life. And however, even though most of us know that theoretically, communication is extremely important to couple happiness, why does the average person.
Sorry, why does the average person have difficulty communicating their sexual needs?
[00:04:58] Speaker E: You know, the foundation, the core, the root of this is feeling worthy.
Understanding what you need from the sexual experience, which may be and probably is different from your partner, and then asking for what you want is all based on whether or not you feel worthy of getting it.
[00:05:22] Speaker F: Worthiness is this really big topic, and yet it's pretty vague.
[00:05:29] Speaker E: That's it.
[00:05:29] Speaker F: So, to help make it more concrete, we're going to go through a case study and break down why a person will call Jane doesn't feel worthy. Then we'll give you three ideas on how you can feel more sexually worthy at the end of this podcast.
[00:05:44] Speaker E: So the following is an actual letter from a woman that we're going to call Jane. And as we go through Jane's story, I want you to really listen to it in terms of how Jane doesn't feel worthy enough to ask for what she wants in her relationship.
[00:06:01] Speaker F: Listen to see if you can relate to Jane's experience and where you might be feeling unworthy in your own relationship. So listen to what her situation is, make mental notes of what you relate to, and then take those notes to the end of this podcast. For example, does Jane's letter make you angry, sad, frustrated, or something else? And I want you to pay attention to how is your body reacting when.
[00:06:29] Speaker E: You pay attention to that body reaction? Everyone in our body, we have a place where we feel a yes and a place where we feel a no. And so when, if you are familiar with that no spot, that's where you want to really make that mental note. Here is Jane's story.
Jane wrote us an email and said, I am 42 years old. I had a baby three years ago and I'm not overweight or depressed, but I have absolutely no sex drive. I wouldn't care if I went the rest of my life without sex, though I do have sex with my husband at least once a week for his benefit. He tries to get sex at least two or three times a week, and I usually let him know that I'm just too tired.
[00:07:16] Speaker F: She goes on to say, I get up at 05:00 a.m. every morning and get my three year old daughter ready for daycare. Then we're out the door by 06:20 a.m. every day. It's very stressful trying to get her ready. Then I commute to my job and work for 10 hours before commuting home for 45 minutes. I finally get home at 06:00 p.m.
[00:07:40] Speaker E: She continues, I'm angry with my husband for asking for sex when I'm so tired. I think it's selfish of him to think that I'm going to have sex for an hour starting at 10:00 p.m. when I have to get up so early the next morning.
[00:07:54] Speaker F: Go on. She goes on. Plus, he never wants to have sex quickly. Whenever we have sex, he feels compelled to attend to my needs and keeps attending to me until I've had multiple orgasms. I'm happy with one orgasm and try to speed things up and move him along, but I don't think he can get aroused until I have multiple orgasms.
[00:08:19] Speaker E: He never seems able to be able to just have intercourse and skip the foreplay, and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to have him spend so much time on me. I'd be fine just having quick intercourse and then being done. So I avoid sex completely because it's so involved. It just takes so much time and effort.
[00:08:39] Speaker F: During most of our sexual encounters, I don't fake orgasms but I do think of other stuff, mostly that I'm not into the sex. I wonder why he can't just move it along. He has no idea. I don't really enjoy our sex because I do have orgasms and tell him how great it was each time. Is it wrong to keep this up?
[00:09:02] Speaker E: I love him and I don't want to make this an issue in our marriage. But I am miserable inside because I feel that every time we get into bed or if I ask for a massage or some other touch, he turns it into sex. And I've never had a big sex drive, but it has diminished completely after the baby. What should I do?
[00:09:25] Speaker F: I think the big question is, why are women still here?
Let's just acknowledge how completely messed up it is that Jane is compelled to push herself so hard, ask for so little, and expect even less.
[00:09:40] Speaker E: And the real sad thing here is Jane is the norm. This is not the exception.
But her situation could be fixed relatively swiftly and efficiently if she had a direct conversation with her partner.
[00:09:57] Speaker F: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That's what this podcast is all about, what we as women are working towards, believing we deserve to easily have a conversation where our sexual needs matter just as much as our partners. That you are sexually worthy.
[00:10:16] Speaker E: And in order for Jane to move into believing that she's worth having the sex that she wants, there needs to be a shift in her mindset from negative to positive. So, currently, Jane believes sex is negative and that it's sex's fault. She believes that sex is not worth the hassle. And to be clear, sex is a neutral state that we attach emotions to, meaning this isn't sex's fault.
[00:10:45] Speaker F: Yeah. So instead of pointing the finger of blame at sex, Jane needs to put the finger back on herself and ask why she doesn't feel like she can have that difficult conversation.
[00:10:58] Speaker E: You know what? I get why she can't. I mean, she's got a busy life. She is a young child. She's commuting, she's got an intense job, and sex is just at the bottom of her list. And for her, it's not worth the trouble. She doesn't want to create conflict. She doesn't want to walk into that. And that means taking on uncomfortable partner issues. Sounds like, generally speaking, their relationship sounds pretty solid. So she doesn't want to rock that boat. She doesn't want to communicate her frustrations, and she doesn't want to share this resentment that she's been able to avoid, and she has no desire to deal with it right now.
[00:11:36] Speaker F: Yeah, and I also get it. You know, I was in Jane's shoes not so long ago, and I remember spinning the plates and, you know, trying to, you know, putting one more plate to spin. It just felt like everything would come crashing down. However, shifting your mindset from negative to positive is a non confrontational way to get rid of shame and build your sexual self confidence.
[00:12:02] Speaker E: You know, I think that there's so many women that can relate to Jane, and certainly I can as well. And, you know, as you look through this, I think there may be some people who are saying, you know, poor Jane. Her husband makes sure she has multiple orgasms before, you know, whatever. Like, I can't even get my husband to give me one orgasm, so. But, you know, the thing that I would encourage Jane to look at here is we have sex for different reasons, and there's different types of sex, and sometimes it is a quickie night, and sometimes you've got more time to be able to do the long, drawn out thing. Having that same type of, like, required, obligatory sex over and over again.
Not only does it build resentments, but it also is boring.
[00:12:48] Speaker F: I also find that generally, not all men, but a lot of men, prefer direct communication. So if she just had a direct conversation with her husband. Yeah, there might be some unhappiness, and I'm sure he would appreciate a direct conversation more than going around the conversation. I feel like having the direct conversation, it's like ripping the bandage off. It's really tough. But I think for him, it would be so much better than her constantly acting like she's resentful towards sex and avoiding it, you know, like, I think it's a tough thing to do. We all can agree it's a tough thing to do, and it's so much better for your relationship when you can.
[00:13:34] Speaker E: Yeah. And, you know, and I'd shared this example earlier in the podcast, but I think it applies here, too, where there was that time for years, you know, when we were having sex, where, you know, I was just in my head, and it was. It was kind of like this. It was taking so long. I was like, what is wrong with me? Why is this taking so long? Da da da da da. And I would just be stuck in my head. Stuck in my head, stuck in my head. And so then eventually, I would, you know, fake an orgasm. Go ahead and end. But I would just.
[00:14:01] Speaker F: I'm good.
[00:14:01] Speaker E: I'd call it a day, right? I'd be like, look, you have yours. It's not happening for me tonight.
[00:14:06] Speaker A: I.
[00:14:07] Speaker E: And then when I finally talked to my husband about this and shared. I was like, you know, I just get so frustrated with myself because I feel like my body is taking so long. And then he laughed, not at me, but he was so surprised because he's like, amy, I'm doing that on purpose. Like, I am trying to draw this out because I'm trying to tease and give you extra pleasure. And, you know, and then sort of, to Jane's point, there's nights. There's times that you want to be able to have more fun drawn out, and there's times where it's like, okay, it is 10:00 a.m. really tired. Like, I want to have this connection with you, but let's just do this in a little bit of a faster way tonight. And then next Thursday, when grandma is picking up the daughter, we can have a little bit more fun.
[00:14:54] Speaker F: And I really like that solution you have, which is, you know, this is what we can do now. And let's look forward to something down the road, which is a really nice way to cue that up, for sure. We're going to get into what Jane can do after our sex iq.
[00:15:12] Speaker E: And now a word from our sponsor.
[00:15:15] Speaker A: Is good sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom. Well, we hate to be the bearers of bad news.
[00:15:21] Speaker B: After helping couples for over 25 years, I can confidently say couples who have a fulfilling sex life do these three things.
[00:15:30] Speaker A: I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist, and women quickly lose interest in orgasm focused sex. If you want more sex more often, it's time to expand your repertoire.
[00:15:43] Speaker B: I'm Doctor Trina Reed, and my tip number one is take your focus off of her orgasm. A woman's ability to orgasm is generally inconsistent when she has the expectation and pressure to orgasm with every single sexual encounter, it can decrease her ability to have an orgasm.
[00:16:05] Speaker A: Tip number two. Many women want to feel wanted. So instead of saying, hey, let's do it, sex starts hours before the deed. Woo your woman. Pursue her. FYI, you can thank me later.
[00:16:21] Speaker B: Tip number three. The next time you have sex, don't focus on the hot spots like breasts, the vulva, the penis. Instead, do at least one sensual based thing, like kissing your partner's collarbone or feeling her entire body from the feet on upwards. And see how the switch between orgasm focused sex and sensual focused sex changes your sexual dynamic.
[00:16:52] Speaker A: Here's an easy tip. Make initiation more fun with our motivate me t shirts and coffee mugs.
[00:17:00] Speaker B: Listen every week to the sensational sex podcast to learn how you can create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:17:06] Speaker A: Go to sensationalsexspodcast.com to subscribe and while you're there, pick up your motivate me t shirt and coffee mug today.
[00:17:15] Speaker B: This is a great Christmas present. And make sure to email us and let us know how you are motivating your partner.
[00:17:24] Speaker A: We would love to hear your sex sass story.
[00:17:28] Speaker C: What happens when you're not in the mood for sex and your partner is.
[00:17:32] Speaker B: Giving you the look instead of feeling pounced upon and not into it? You need to have a contingency plan so initiation rituals will help to wake your body up in its arousal. And the best part is, it only takes a minute.
[00:17:50] Speaker C: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist from the Sensational Sex podcast.
[00:17:56] Speaker B: And I'm doctor Trina Reed. And a big thank you to xsens for bringing you these sensual arousal tips.
[00:18:03] Speaker C: Has there ever been a time in your relationship when your partner was giving you that look? You know the one? Or maybe they were rubbing your leg or nuzzling your neck and you knew what was on their mind, but it was the last thing on yours.
[00:18:18] Speaker B: Well, Amy, I've been married for 22.
[00:18:21] Speaker F: Years, so what do you think exactly?
[00:18:24] Speaker C: We have all been there, and sometimes we just need a little motivation to get from eh to. Yeah, and that's where you need to grab the xen's cooling arousal gel from your bedside table to give you a cooling zap of arousal.
[00:18:40] Speaker B: Now, you might be asking if arousal gel actually works, and I'm an academic, so I want to know if it actually works too. So in one study, which included 500 sexually active heterosexual women between the ages.
[00:18:54] Speaker C: Of 18 and 59, 79% of respondents noted that the arousal product met or exceeded expectations.
78% of respondents reported increased sensitivity in their genital area, and of these, over 90% believed that the gel made their intimate experience even better.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: And most agreed that the gel enhanced arousal, orgasmic intensity, pleasure, and satisfaction during their sexual activity.
[00:19:27] Speaker E: The best part?
[00:19:29] Speaker C: It's super easy to use. Apply a small drop to your clitoris, penis, nipples, or anywhere that cooling is desired to discover intense and explosive sensations.
[00:19:42] Speaker B: So just use one little drop to start. You can always add more. And the best thing is there are up to 100 applications per bottle.
[00:19:53] Speaker C: This is best to apply yourself because partners can sometimes get carried away in the heat of the moment and they might think it's a lubricant. So keep this on your side of the bedside table.
[00:20:04] Speaker B: So there are three body safe and flavored arousal gels to choose from. There's raspberry mint, hot vanilla espresso and the award winning ginger lychee.
[00:20:16] Speaker C: And best of all, it's body safe, vegan, paraben free, condom friendly, and there are no petroleum based ingredients.
[00:20:25] Speaker B: That's amazing. And it gets even better. So go right this second before something in your busy life gets you distracted. To the xen's website. That's a xens dash uSa.com. and use the coupon code sensational, and you will get 20% off.
[00:20:43] Speaker C: Are you curious to see what a cooling sensation can do for your sensual and sexual satisfaction? Of course you are.
[00:20:51] Speaker B: So make sure to have this discreet bottle of xns arousal gel in your bedside table and find out how it changes your sexual experience.
[00:21:01] Speaker E: All right, so let's test your sexual iq.
Who enjoys casual sex more, men or women? Or does it depend?
[00:21:12] Speaker F: So the answer is, depends. If there was not an orgasm gap, men and women would most likely enjoy casual sex equally. Women do very much want and enjoy casual sex. However, men often fail to prioritize female pleasure. One study of college students found 91% of men and 39% of women always or usually orgasm during a sexual hookup.
[00:21:44] Speaker E: And this study found that orgasm rates don't vary by sexual orientation for men. But, and I think this is fascinating, they do for women. Lesbians are more likely to orgasm, with one study showing that 86% reported usually to always having orgasms.
[00:22:05] Speaker F: Well, it makes sense. I mean, if you're with another woman, she's going to know where things are and how to do things, and that's going to be her priority. I don't know. For me, this study was a bit of a no brainer.
[00:22:18] Speaker E: Yeah.
No, I think it does make sense, but I think it also highlights the disconnect. Right. Another part of the study showed that in first time hookup sex. So the statistics we shared was sort of overall, but first time hookup sex, 55% of men and only 4% of women, 4% experienced an orgasm and first time hookup sex.
So, you know, and when you look at that, you just see how big that gap is. And honestly, I kind of question that 55%, though. I feel like that number should be higher. But, you know, who knows?
[00:22:55] Speaker F: I feel like if women felt more sexually worthy, she'd be able to have that conversation with a hookup partner. Hey, you know, do a Samantha Jones from Sex and the City, you know, no, you're not doing it right. You know, like, go. No, keep down there. Stay at it. You know, we don't. We aren't bold enough like that, and so we don't have an orgasm. And I'm not blaming women. And, but, and certainly that has a big part of why we're not enjoying our hookup sex.
[00:23:24] Speaker E: I think if you're looking at casual sex, if you're looking at hookup sex, things like that, communicating, I think for most people, they need to feel safe in order to really be able to communicate. I think in this particular conversation, what we're talking about, I think it would be great if we could all take a page from the book of King, because in kink, before they ever get into the scene, before they ever get into the sexual experience, they have very explicit conversations about what you want, what you don't want, what is okay, what is not okay.
And they really, really lay it out. And I wish that that was something that everybody did prior to any sexual experience.
[00:24:10] Speaker F: I think with consensual sex now, it is changing a little bit, where there is a fraction more things being discussed to make sure that everybody is consensual in this experience.
I think it's not a lot, but we're moving the right way. In the right direction.
[00:24:30] Speaker E: Yeah, I agree. I agree. I think there's more conversations around it, more awareness. And those of you who are listening to the podcast, it starts with you.
[00:24:39] Speaker F: It's that time of the podcast where we put on our sexologist hats and give you practical ideas on how you can feel worthy.
[00:24:47] Speaker E: So first, what we're going to do is unpack Jane's experience. And then we're going to pull some key lessons about how Jane can reasonably turn her situation around.
[00:24:58] Speaker F: So there are several good reasons Jane has low desire and arousal. We're going to take the emotions out, and we're logically going to break down her story to understand why.
[00:25:11] Speaker E: So, Jane is exhausted. She's exhausted from lack of sleep. She's exhausted from stress. She's running on empty, and she feels like she has very little time to herself.
[00:25:24] Speaker F: Jane can orgasm and is okay with the bodily act of sex, so she can rule out any medical issues. She walks into the sexual experience full of resentment and anger, and she puts.
[00:25:38] Speaker E: Her needs a distant second to her husband's needs, even though he does make sure that she comes first. She experiences multiple orgasms with most sexual encounters, and yet she still does not desire sex. So there has to be more to her sexual fulfillment than simply having an orgasm.
Yeah.
[00:26:01] Speaker F: Jane is choosing to have obligation sex. And each time she chooses to have obligation sex, her guilt, shame, resentment and anxiety grow.
[00:26:15] Speaker E: And she isn't comfortable or confident enough to discuss her unhappiness about their sex life, but she feels miserable inside. Those are her words. Because when she asks for her needs to be meth, it turns into something that she doesn't want, which is long, drawn out sex.
[00:26:35] Speaker F: Jane.
I'm doing that. I can't believe this. Jane believes this is her fault. She says, is it wrong to keep this up? And there's something wrong with her. She says, I've never had a big sex drive. To be clear, Jane is nothing broken. The sex she is having is broken. Jane is fine. I just had to say that her lack of sexual desire and arousal are a natural response to the demanding situational factors in her life. Jane needs to let go of the shame and self blame.
[00:27:15] Speaker E: So how do you think Jane's relationship and sex life could change if she assertively discussed one or all of these points with her husband?
How do you think her husband would react to hearing this?
What do you think?
[00:27:32] Speaker F: Realistically? I think he'd be upset. And I think when we don't tell our partner anything for a long time, it doesn't have to be sex. But if we're keeping a secret from our partner, of course they're going to be upset when they first hear it. Once it's out there, you can start setting some sexual boundaries. And I find that women who don't feel worthy are absolutely unable to set sexual boundaries with their partner.
[00:28:01] Speaker E: Yeah, the other thing, too, is, I think, so often and again, this is the nurturer, this is the carer in us. And her fear of him being upset, her fear of rocking the boat is what's holding her back from sharing this. But, you know, the other thing to consider is he might be grateful to hear what she's really experiencing. I suspect that he probably already kind of knows that.
I think that he may have some inclination and having it finally validated, having her finally speak up and say, look, this is what I'm experiencing. This is what I'm feeling. I would really prefer to do this instead. And then opening up to that honesty.
You know, I always like to assume the best, you know, but prepare for the worst. So, uh. So, you know, there's a possibility, too, that he might just say, you know, I'm so glad you finally shared this with me. What can we do? How can we work this out? How can we make this into something positive for both of us?
[00:29:07] Speaker F: Amy, let's talk about what Jane can do. So Jane's busy life has her rushing around with a demanding job and a toye toddler, and her sexual experience needs to evolve to suit her new life circumstances. So she's trying to fit her new life into the old way that they had sex, when, in fact, sex needs to fit her new life circumstances. And I think that's the shift that a lot of women don't get, is sex needs to fit your life, not the other way around.
[00:29:41] Speaker E: Yeah, absolutely. And things we, we go through these different reasons and seasons and stages of time, and especially, especially when you've got the little itty bitty ones, when you've got the babies and the toddlers. The days feel long, but the weeks just fly by, but you feel like you're never going to get sleep again. You feel like you're never going to have time for yourself again. You feel like you're never going to be able to go to the bathroom without some tiny little person wanting to be picked up and held. But those stages do go through. And so as you are experiencing these different life stages, that's a great opportunity to talk to your partner and say, this is what our life looks like right now. How can we prioritize and make our sexual and physical connection work with how things are going on right now? And so what Jane needs to do right now in this season of her life is she needs to prioritize her sleep and self care.
[00:30:41] Speaker F: Amen, sister. Prioritize your sleep and self care. Oh, my gosh.
[00:30:47] Speaker E: Yes. She needs to prioritize that. I am grouchy, grouchy, grouchy. If I do not get enough sleep, my husband, he knows it, too. So he's like, Amy, go take a nap. Because I'm like, you can't deal with, like, I'm like a toddler if I don't, if I've not gotten enough sleep. You do not want to be around me. And I'm generally pretty pleasant to be around, I think.
But, you know, when she prioritizes her sleep and her self care, this is going to create more energy.
And with that energy, she can reconnect with herself and with her husband.
[00:31:19] Speaker F: Now, the best case scenario is she has a conversation with her husband and says, dear husband, sometimes sex is going to be about what you want, multiple orgasms and intercourse, and sometimes sex is going to be about what I want.
However, this means she would need to assertively discuss, set boundaries, and negotiate her.
[00:31:47] Speaker E: Needs with him and what this means. And this is the really hard part, especially for someone like me who likes to avoid conflict at all costs. But you're potentially walking into that conflict, being able to communicate your sexual needs, setting boundaries and negotiating can really seem to be like an impasse for most women. They don't want to rock the boat. They don't want to. They don't want to say anything because they're afraid of that conflict.
[00:32:15] Speaker F: Yet avoiding conflict is the reason women stay stuck. The majority of women actively avoid walking into a complicated mess, especially when it involves sex. And the thing is, avoiding conflict is why women stay stuck and feel miserable inside for the rest of their lives or until they move on to their next relationship.
[00:32:44] Speaker E: If you're listening to this podcast, you are worth so much more than this. Yes, your partner and your relationship deserve to have you being your fully sexually expressed self.
[00:33:01] Speaker F: And it starts with you taking control of your sexual narrative. So how can Jane, aka you, take control of the sexual narrative? Without a doubt, this is going to include some fights, some uncomfortable feelings, setting much needed sexual boundaries, and perhaps a few awkward sexual moments. And you have to say to yourself, I am worth this. I am worth working through this.
[00:33:32] Speaker E: And you know, what bubbles up for me as we're talking through Jane's, you know, situation is, you know, she's. She's resenting this long, drawn out multiple orgasm sex, you know, which, in essence, right again, that's. That sounds like something that a lot of women wish that they had. But she's so tired that even though her body is able to do this, is doing this, she's not enjoying it. Spilling that resentment. You know, I would venture to say that Jane has this conversation with her husband. They work their way through these uncomfortable feelings. You know, he accepts. He compromises and says, okay, so there's gonna be some times that we're gonna do kind of quickie sex that will help her allow herself to enjoy those long, drawn out multiple orgasm sessions more in the future.
[00:34:21] Speaker F: When she actually says, this is something that I need to happen, she's building her sexual self confidence. She's building her positive sexual mindset, and those are the two things that are gonna turn her situation around. So, you know, it doesn't have to come with a lot of conflicts. We think about confronting our partner, and it's going to be a big, big mess when, in fact, when you start working on your positive sexual mindset and your sexual confidence, I find that these things naturally just fall into place. So you're anticipating to have a conflict when, in fact, it just happens. I know this to be true because I've seen it in my own relationship where something was really bugging me. I turned my mindset around, and suddenly the kids are doing their chores and my husband is doing, and I didn't even ask them to do this. It just happened. It didn't just happen. I changed the way I was thinking around it. And I know that sounds pretty woo woo to some of our listeners, and they've done studies to show that this works. So, you know, if you don't like the conflict and you want to start feeling a lot more worthy and start setting sexual boundaries and all of that, it starts with your positive sexual mindset.
[00:35:41] Speaker E: Yes. And the other mindset shifts that, if I was working with Jane, a mindset shift that I might have her consider is rather than this. Oh, it's long and drawn out, and I have to have these multiple orgasms, and I'd rather be sleeping and all of that. Orgasms are a natural stress reliever. They just blow up cortisol. They get rid of so much of that. And so if she changes thinking about it as something she has to do, but looking at it as this is a. I've had a really long, stressful day, and I get to now release all this stress in this beautiful, connective way with my partner. My partner is giving me this gift of stress relief, and I might only want it once a week or maybe every other week, or maybe only after I've had a big presentation, or I don't want it on big presentation day, I need it the day after. But if she can start to identify and change the way that she's thinking about that, as this is actually something that's going to help relieve my stress rather than add to it. And again, it's just a mindset shift right there.
[00:36:48] Speaker F: And we'd love to hear from you. What advice would you give to Jane to help her feel comfortable sticking up for herself and her sexual needs to help her stand her ground, open up and discuss with her husband, knowing that it will probably cause stress in the relationship. So what would you do? We want to hear your thoughts.
[00:37:07] Speaker E: Absolutely. So shoot us an
[email protected] and let us know. What would you say if Jane believed the upheaval really wasn't worth it?
[00:37:18] Speaker F: If you're still stuck, remember that Amy, our Amy over here, she is an amazing sex coach. So as you can hear from this podcast, she's excellent and will help you feel worthy and get unstuck. So let's recap, Amy, in order to feel worthy and sexual and self confident, taking a step back and factually looking at the many areas that are affecting you to feel worthy.
[00:37:48] Speaker E: So pick one area that you want to work on? Is it communicating your needs or setting boundaries or negotiating instead of actively avoiding conflict? What would it look like if you stayed in that difficult conversation and followed the awkward conversation all the way through to the end? What would it look like? Instead of you being a passive player and you took control of your sexual narrative, take one small step.
[00:38:18] Speaker F: Remember your success comes to you with your follow through. So celebrate when you've done something and then take your next small step.
[00:38:28] Speaker E: And I'd like to just mention that it's not success, it's sex sass success.
And if you like our motivate me t shirts, you can get yours during our Black Friday merch event.
[00:38:42] Speaker F: So if you want your very own motivate me t shirt and coffee mug, you're in luck. We're having a limited sale from November 11 to 25th, so go to our website sensationalsexpodcast.com to find out more details.
[00:38:56] Speaker E: Until next time, stay sexy on next.
[00:38:58] Speaker F: Week'S podcast do you feel sexy? What does being sexy even mean?
[00:39:04] Speaker E: The closer you get to being your most authentic self, the more self worth, self esteem, and confidence you will naturally have.
[00:39:13] Speaker F: Hi, I'm doctor Trina Reid.
[00:39:15] Speaker E: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. And we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:39:23] Speaker F: In this episode, you'll find out how you can download your free sexy checklist that you can do with yourself and even better, with your friends.
[00:39:34] Speaker E: Sexiness is being authentically yourself, and we give you five characteristics of a sexy person.
[00:39:42] Speaker F: Amy and I then answer ten of the are you sexy? Quiz questions and you get to find out if we pass the sexiness test.
[00:39:53] Speaker E: Make sure to listen because this podcast will give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:39:59] Speaker A: Are you ready to experience more passion and more pleasure? In my suburban intimacy practice, I offer one on one sex and intimacy coaching for women and couples. Book a complimentary discovery.
[email protected] or learn more about my intimacy ignite program. Your solution to experiencing satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences and connection even when you're busy, tired, and stressed, intimacy ignite is a curated collection of stimulating sex education activities and challenges, whether you are single.
[00:40:33] Speaker E: Or in a relationship.
[00:40:34] Speaker A: Plus, live coaching with me twice a month. Save $10 off your first month with the code podcast. You can learn
[email protected] dot is more.
[00:40:46] Speaker D: Fulfilling sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Then go to trinaread.com to get your free copy of the Sex Bootcamp masterclass while you're there, check out my award winning fiction book, the sex course, that went to number one in its Amazon category three days after launch. Both the sex course and sex bootcamp workbook are available in audiobook. If you want to hang with groovy, like minded, sex positive women, then join my online courses and the success community.
It's your time to create the sex life of your dreams. It all
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[00:41:28] Speaker E: Did you love what you learned today?
[00:41:30] Speaker A: Share this episode with someone who needs it. Friends don't let friends have bad sex. Leave a review for this episode and follow like or subscribe on the listening.
[00:41:39] Speaker E: App of your choice.
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