#3 Your Magic Bullet to Great Sex!

[00:00:00] Speaker A: We are thrilled to partner with EXSENS, who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be. [00:00:08] Speaker B: EXSENS has an amazing fall in love giveaway valued at over $700, and we'll tell you more about that halfway through our podcast. [00:00:19] Speaker A: Wow. EXSENS really is a wonderful brand. [00:00:23] Speaker B: We love what EXSENS is doing for your sensual and sexual experience. [00:00:29] Speaker A: What is the magic bullet to your happy and fulfilling sex life? [00:00:34] Speaker B: A positive sexual mindset. A positive sexual mindset shifts your perspective and enables you to see what's going right with your sex life instead of seeking out and focusing on what's going wrong. [00:00:47] Speaker A: Hi, I'm doctor Trina Reid. [00:00:49] Speaker B: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. And we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. [00:00:58] Speaker A: In this episode of the Sensational Sex podcast, you'll find out why approximately half of all women experience some kind of sexual difficulty at one point in their lives with a lack of interest in sex. Being by far the most common will. [00:01:14] Speaker B: Also help you learn how to notice and reframe any negative thoughts that you may have about sex. [00:01:20] Speaker A: Why a positive sexual mindset is the key to cultivating your desire, increasing your sexual pleasure, and finding joyous in your intimacy. Welcome to the Sensational Sex podcast, where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate, and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and doctor Trina Reid have the answers, and all you have to do is join us each week. Soon you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media at sensationalsexpodcast. Share this episode, leave a review, and thank you for subscribing. Now let's start the show, oh beautiful people. And thank you for listening to the Sensational sex podcast. We're so happy for you to be coming along on this ride with us. [00:02:26] Speaker B: Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you, and we are here to help you with that. [00:02:36] Speaker A: Absolutely. And did you know, Amy, that September 23 is bisexuality day? [00:02:42] Speaker B: You know what? I have a joke. [00:02:45] Speaker A: Ok, let's do it. [00:02:47] Speaker B: A young buffalo asked his father, dad, what does it mean if I like both cows and bulls? Do you know what the father Buffalo replied? [00:02:58] Speaker A: I don't know. [00:02:59] Speaker B: It means you're bi son Bison. Get it? [00:03:03] Speaker A: Oh, you're so punny. That's such a dad joke. [00:03:08] Speaker B: Sorry, sorry. I know. I love a good dad joke. I'm a little corny like that. [00:03:12] Speaker A: I'm not sure how to segue into today's podcast with that joke, but I'm. [00:03:18] Speaker B: Just gonna do it. [00:03:19] Speaker A: Today. We're talking about your positive sexual mindset and why it's a cornerstone in your sexual enjoyment. [00:03:27] Speaker B: We're going to get into six powerful and easy techniques that you can do today to turn your sexuality around, and we're going to discuss those at the end of the podcast. [00:03:39] Speaker A: Studies show that approximately half of all women experience some kind of sexual difficulty at one point in their lives. And I'm sure it's more than half, with the lack of sexual interest being by far the most common and the most distressing. What doesn't get talked enough about is when our sexuality suffers. So do all the other areas of our life. [00:04:04] Speaker B: We're talking about positive sexual mindset. But I'm curious because some people may not understand what is a woman's sexual mindset? What does that even mean? [00:04:15] Speaker A: Denise Duffield Thomas, she's a financial guru. She said it best. And she said mindset is everything. The rest you can google. You can google anything about sex, and millions and millions of articles will pop up. The one you can't search up is your mindset. Your mindset is your relationship with sex and how that affects what you experience during sex. Your mindset are the attitudes and beliefs that predetermine how you respond to and make sense of sex. [00:04:47] Speaker B: And mindset truly is the key to cultivating desire, increasing your sexual pleasure and finding joy and intimacy. Good sex starts in the our biggest sex organ is the grave. Having good sex over a lifetime can only happen if you have a positive sexual mindset. And that's not to say that you believe sex will always be fabulous, because they won't always be. [00:05:17] Speaker A: Our life is our life. Your busy life is complicated, and it's going to chug along imperfectly and be filled with things that will want to push your sexuality to the side, like having kids, getting a new job, getting a divorce, going through perimenopause, or going through a major illness. I mean, you can speak to this, Amy, for sure. [00:05:38] Speaker B: In those situations, we take on the beliefs and attitudes about the sex that we're having, and it is so easy to start thinking negative things about our sex. And that creates a negative sex mindset. [00:05:55] Speaker A: A positive sexual mindset. It shifts your perspective and it enables you to see what's going right with your sex life instead of seeking out and focusing what's going wrong. I'd like to think of it. It's paying attention with intention and purpose. [00:06:12] Speaker B: Why is a positive sexual mindset important for a woman's lifelong sexual health? [00:06:19] Speaker A: Doctor Laurie Brotow. He is the director of the university of British Columbia's sexual health laboratory. And doctor Broto wrote a book on mindfulness. And what doctor Barado said was based on my own observations of mindfulness, I would argue that satisfying sex is quite simply not possible without mindfulness. It's coming from the head of the sexuality laboratory. [00:06:45] Speaker B: In my work with my clients, one of the first things that we do very early on in our work together is we work on mindfulness sizes and we work on mindsets and changing the way we view sex, changing it from something that, you know, we have to do or something that's not on the radar at all. Just the shift in mindset, the shift in perspective makes such an enormous difference. A critical first piece is why. It's one of the first things that we're talking about during this podcast. It's also very early work that I always do with my clients. [00:07:21] Speaker A: Mindset, in my opinion, is the magic bulletin. And if you don't believe me, here's a list of why having a sexual positive mindset would be beneficial for you. [00:07:33] Speaker B: Better coping skills, reduce stress, improving a relationship. [00:07:39] Speaker A: You have better resilience, better self esteem, lower rates of depression, enhancement mental health. [00:07:51] Speaker B: Increased productivity and increased longevity. This is all amazing. Here's the big but currently a lot is going on in the background and this is preventing your mindset from enjoying sex. It doesn't want you to believe that you could ever confidently ask for the sex that you want or don't want and greedily take your pleasure. [00:08:17] Speaker A: And thank goodness for that, Amy, because if this was straightforward, we'd be out of a job. That's why. That's why were employed. [00:08:23] Speaker B: That's right. [00:08:24] Speaker A: There's a lot of things getting in the way from you having a positive sexual mindset. If you're struggling or if you not sure what it is, or if you're just at the start of this journey, it's okay. Wherever you are, we're going to take you in on this journey. So Amy, let's get into the six practical tools that we can implement today. Amy, I love me a giveaway. [00:08:47] Speaker B: Me too. Especially when it involves things that bring me sensuality and loving touch. We are thrilled to be partnered with xsens, who is doing the most amazing fall in love giveaway. [00:09:01] Speaker A: Don't miss out on the chance to win one of four luxurious bundles featuring a best selling aroha toy and great XN products. Each bundle is worth over $175. [00:09:17] Speaker B: Indulge in a japanese and french love affair that will leave you swooning. Enter now for an experience that you'll fall in love with. [00:09:26] Speaker A: It's super easy to enter. Simply go to xns dash usa.com to enter. Amy, can you imagine this amazing gift basket showing up on your doorstep? [00:09:39] Speaker B: Oh, I can. And how fun will it be for you and your partner to open it. [00:09:44] Speaker A: Together and all the fun things that will happen after? [00:09:49] Speaker B: You have until September 27, 2024 to enter. So go right this second before you. [00:09:56] Speaker A: Get distracted and share the love. And make sure to tell all your. [00:10:00] Speaker B: Friends to make your fall a lot more interesting with the xcends fall in love giveaway. [00:10:07] Speaker A: Good luck. Amy and I were keeping our fingers and our toes crossed that you get to win the fall in love bundle. [00:10:15] Speaker B: Yes. Let's dive in. But first, in honor of bisexuality day, let's do a little sexual IQ test. [00:10:26] Speaker A: What combination of people makes up a typical woman's ideal threesome? A, two males, one female, b two females, one male, or c. Neither. [00:10:46] Speaker B: The answer to this surprised me, and the answer is neither. I would have thought it would have been two males, one female. That's what popped in my mind. But guys were really only into the two females and one male versus two males and one female. And men and women both had relatively low interest in two males and one female free sons. Generally, women appeared to be relatively uninterested in both two females and one male and two males and one female threesomes. [00:11:20] Speaker A: So men were more open to the idea of being in a threesome when it included a friend or acquaintance as opposed to a stranger. Now, this is where it gets interesting. Women preferred to know the people when they were joining into a threesome. They wanted to know who the couple was. But when the women were inviting a third into their relationship, it didn't matter to her if they knew the person or not. [00:11:49] Speaker B: It's interesting. Very interesting. I've had some, you know, different talks and interactions with some coaches and people who are in, you know, the lifestyle. A lot of what I've heard agrees with this, and that women do like to have some sort of relationship. Um, doesn't necessarily have to be a deep one, but, you know, knowing the other person seems to be important. So this needs to validate that. That's very interesting. [00:12:14] Speaker A: It's one of those topics that it's. It's out there and people are doing it and people are having threesomes, but it's just not water cooler conversation. [00:12:22] Speaker B: There are some good resources out there, and if this is something that you're curious about, feel free to send us an email. And I'm happy to connect you with some people that can help you explore learning a little bit more about this. So. Well, this is the part of the podcast where Doctor Trina and I just put on our sexologist hats and give you concrete and practical tools to help your sexual situation. Doctor Trina, what are six practical steps that a woman can do right now to not start creating a positive sexual mindset? [00:12:55] Speaker A: The biggest thing is to start noticing your thoughts. The thoughts you're having when sex is initiated, the thoughts you're having during sex, and the thoughts you're having after sex is done. And when you start keeping track of your thoughts, you may be surprised at how many of those thoughts are negative. And that's okay. That's why we're doing this exercise. When you start having negative thoughts, it's time to reframe those thoughts. And you can do this with a pattern interrupter. All a pattern interrupter is you're having this negative thought and you can say something to yourself like, I want to enjoy my sexual experience. What that does is it interrupts this negative thought, and you're actually putting a positive thought into your head. If you do this enough, all of a sudden those negative thoughts do start to dissipate and go away. But it does take some practice with pattern interrupters to notice your negative thought and then to actually do something about it. [00:13:58] Speaker B: I had a past client in mind, and I remember early on when we first started talking, something that she kept saying over and over again was, I'm such a prude, I'm such a prude, I'm such a prude. One of the first things we worked on doing was reframing that, because I pointed out to her, as long as you're saying things to yourself such as, I'm such a prude, then your behavior, the way that you think about yourself, the way that you interact sexually, is going to reflect that. How can we frame this I'm such a prude thought into a more positive thought. And we came up with something along the lines of a confident, vibrant woman who enjoys sex. Wow. [00:14:41] Speaker A: I like that. [00:14:42] Speaker B: Right? [00:14:42] Speaker A: Very good. Pattern interrupter. [00:14:45] Speaker B: I love the use of mantras, affirmations, people, you know, call them different things and use them in different ways. But, you know, once we were able to identify some of this negative sexual self talk that she was having and reframe that, when those, those things would pop in her head. She would take and use this sentence instead. And lo and behold, over the weeks she started to have even see through the change in her. On our calls when we would talk, she just. The. Her behavior or the way that she spoke really started to transform. It was really beautiful. [00:15:21] Speaker A: It probably looked lighter too. Like you can just tell when somebody's that they've had this load on their shoulders for how many years and suddenly that load is lifted and they're a lighter person. [00:15:31] Speaker B: 100%. [00:15:32] Speaker A: I love those hats. Happy stories. It must be really satisfying to watch that transformation. [00:15:40] Speaker B: Talk about an easy step, easy switch. But she did the work too, and that was the important part. So the next step is, and I love this one. And this is something that I incorporate regularly into my life, is practice gratitude. Take time to really notice and acknowledge the good things in your life. Doing so this is going to put you into a more positive frame of mind all around. And a regular practice of saying or writing down three things that you're grateful for each day will help train you to look for the things that make you happy and the more specific you can be. [00:16:23] Speaker A: I do this especially when I'm really in a frustrated or angry headspace. I take my big dog for daily walks and we go. We have forested area where I am. I purposely say, that's a beautiful tree and that's a beautiful sky. It seems kind of corny, but I promise you that when you focus in on something, not your anger, it's really going to help reframe how you're seeing your life. Another great tip I heard when I was newly married was when you're super angry with your partner. Because the first year of marriage, you're just figuring each other out. [00:17:05] Speaker B: And it's challenging. [00:17:07] Speaker A: It's pretty challenging. And so we were having some challenges, but he said to me, write down ten things you're grateful for with this partnership with your husband. Honestly, it's just magic. You start writing these things down and why you're angry at them. There's still things going on, but it just really takes that anger from up here right down to here. [00:17:29] Speaker B: Sometimes you go to wedding showers and they're thinking, oh, what's the best piece of advice you can offer to a newly married couple? And my piece of advice is, always appreciate the little things. Be grateful for the little things. It's saying, thank you for doing the dishes. Thank you for giving me 15 minutes to myself while I needed a break from holding this baby. And when you're practicing that gratitude towards your partner and also turning that onto yourself as well. And just in your environment, it really changes a lot of the things because you can also focus on the fact that your partner left their socks next to the hamper. [00:18:09] Speaker A: Again, for my husband can't find anything in the fridge. You know, it's been 22 years and he can't find things. He can't find anything in the fridge. And I'm like, in the fridge? And then I, you know, like, I can't find it. And I can focus on that. And sometimes I do, but, you know, it's better if I don't. [00:18:26] Speaker B: Yes. Gratitude, focusing on that is very important. And especially when things, whether it's in your relationship or your sex life or just your life in general, the most important time is when you are in those more challenging times. [00:18:41] Speaker A: Yeah. Which leads us into the next step, which is be kind to yourself. Self compassion is the most helpful way to navigate your way through this when you do things that make you happy as often as you can, whether it's taking a walk with your dog because you're frustrated or enjoying a bubble bath or reading a book. Notice with the things we talked about with gratitude and this list of things that you can do for yourself. It has nothing to do with sexuality. Right. Like, sexuality is not even in the periphery here. It's just doing things that change your mindset from something that might be negative to positive mindset. The better you feel, the easier it is for you to create positive thoughts. [00:19:26] Speaker B: A really impactful example of this, our tv, it connects to our pictures, but constantly flashing out all these old pictures, which is. It's just fun. It's fun to just see all these old pictures from early relationship, when our children were young, things like that. And, you know, and I see this, this 1015 years younger version of myself, and I look at this, this young woman, you know, with the baby on her hip, and I look at her and just think how young and beautiful she was then. And then one day I had this thought of what I thought about myself at that point in time. And I know at that point in time, I know that I thought, oh, I hate to lose some weight. I need to stop eating so much. My thighs, all of the terrible things that we say to ourselves. I like to turn that around now. Ten years from now, I'm going to be looking at those pictures of me today, and I need to talk to myself today. The way that I was admiring that young woman. We all need to do that and have that self compassion. [00:20:35] Speaker A: Absolutely. Because ten years from now, you're going to wish you did, because you're going to look at yourself ten years from now, and you're going to think, I was really good looking. [00:20:43] Speaker B: The next one is, do something kind for your partner. Start creating a healthy bond with your most important person. [00:20:54] Speaker A: Something I learned to do that really helped me. When I'm most angry with my husband, I forced myself to go and touch his shoulder or touch some part of him. And it's amazing how I'm still angry, but it really just releases and it puts things in perspective. And I also, in those moments when I'm most angry with him, I force myself to say at least one thing I appreciate about him, you know, and that. And I do that for me. I'm not doing that for him. I'm doing that for me, because it puts me in a better headspace. And that has helped me tremendously over the 22 years we've been together. [00:21:42] Speaker B: When you are angry, when you are having an argument, when you can, when you're actually sitting down to have the discussion, and it's important to sit down and have that discussion. Hold hands. [00:21:55] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a good idea. [00:21:56] Speaker B: And it goes into that touching because, you know, first of all, just the simple act of holding hands, it's triggering that oxytocin, which is the Fioba chemicals, the bonding chemical. And to your point, it's firm. It takes you from here to here. You might need to go even lower and calmer, but it helps to release some of that tension. And it's really difficult to be extremely angry with somebody as you're holding each other's hands. Just a little bit of that can go very long way. [00:22:30] Speaker A: The next thing on the list is my personal favorite, which is to laugh if you can. I always know when I've overcome an obstacle, when I'm able to find the money in that situation. And it's not. It doesn't. Not always in the moment. Maybe it's a few days later, sometimes it's a year later. But for me, when the negative stuff no longer controls me and I can look back and laugh, for me, that's a victory. That's something to celebrate, because I won that battle over this very negative situation. So I. If I can always try and find the funny in whatever is going on, and it has come some pretty sarcastic zingers over the years. When I'm particularly upset, I can zing people. And it's not necessarily the best thing, but when I'm. It is funny. Yeah, maybe not appropriate, but when I can find the funny that's when that, you know, I'm turning my mindset around and seeing and feeling victorious that I've overcome this. [00:23:32] Speaker B: You know what pops to mind when you're talking about this and moving this a little bit more to talking about sex and intimacy is sex can sometimes feel so serious. Everything has to go just right. Maybe things aren't saying erect or maybe a weird noise came out that can ruin, quote unquote, ruin the experience. And if you can just laugh through these things and, oh, my gosh, I just fell off the bed or, whoa, I didn't mean to make that noise. Sorry about that. And just crack up and laugh and clean up or whatever it needs to happen and then get back into it. It doesn't need to be this perfect. Hollywood bolts and nice. If the lighting bolts and fireworks show up, that's awesome. But laughing through the crazy little things that pop up, whether it's in the bedroom or out of the bedroom. My husband, he's the one who cracks jokes when I'm angry. Not necessarily at him, but in general. He uses humor to kind of diffuse situations. In the moment, I'm kind of like, but then I laugh and I'm like, okay, I see what you're doing here. And I go along with it. I'm still a little bit. But thanks. Thanks for diffusing that tension. That's a tool that can be used both in and out. [00:24:55] Speaker A: And I know sometimes when you're in that moment, it's hard to find the funny, but if you can look for it and actively like it's, it really helps change your. Your positive sexual mindset. [00:25:06] Speaker B: Absolutely. The next one, and this is such an important one. These are all important ones. [00:25:13] Speaker A: These are all good and important ones. [00:25:15] Speaker B: Yeah. I can't say one is more important than the other, but be honest with yourself, be vulnerable, and be willing to. [00:25:23] Speaker A: Stretch outside your comfort zone with this list. And in general, your success will be in direct proportion to your follow through. Women know the theory. They know that I should be doing this, but then the follow through seems overwhelming or scary. There's a lot of reasons women don't follow through. But if you can just take one idea from this list of sex ideas and just try it out, like the touching, you can do that right this moment and just see what happens. You can hold hands, just see what happens. These are not hard things to do, but the most important thing. Did you implement at least one of them? [00:26:07] Speaker B: Choose one. All of you who are listening today, I encourage you. Pick one of these things on this list. They are. Practice gratitude. Be kind to yourself. Do something kind for your partner. Laugh and be honest with yourself and be vulnerable and be willing to stretch outside of your comfort zone and pay. [00:26:31] Speaker A: Attention to your thoughts before, during, and after sex. Start paying attention with intention. [00:26:37] Speaker B: Imagine a world where women have a positive mindset and boldly ask for the sex that she wants. [00:26:46] Speaker A: That's a really exciting world, Amy. And that's the world I want to belong to, you know? Do you feel tingly, too? [00:26:53] Speaker B: I'm feeling tingly, feeling little tingles and all fun, different fun parts of my body. Well, on next week's podcast, we are going to discuss, does sex add or subtract from your relationship happiness? [00:27:07] Speaker A: Thanks, Amy. Until next time, everyone. Take care. [00:27:11] Speaker B: Take care. Does sex add or subtract from your relationship happiness? [00:27:17] Speaker A: We're giving you five ways you can tell if you've fallen into a sex rut. [00:27:22] Speaker B: In this episode of the sensational Sex podcast, you'll find out why you may not be interested in sex. [00:27:29] Speaker A: You'll also find out why women grow bored, tired, and frustrated with a sexual framework that is broken. [00:27:37] Speaker B: We'll also discuss why women don't feel worthy enough to ask for something different, meaning sex that suits her sexual needs. Are you ready to experience more passion and more pleasure? In my suburban intimacy practice, I offer one on one sex and intimacy coaching for women and couples. Book a complimentary discovery. [email protected] or learn more about my intimacy ignite program. Your solution to experiencing satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences and connection, even when you're busy, tired, and stressed. Intimacy ignite is a curated collection of stimulating sex education activities and challenges, whether you are single or in a relationship. Plus, live coaching with me twice a month. Save $10 off your first month with the coach podcasts. You can learn [email protected] dot is more. [00:28:32] Speaker A: Fulfilling sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Then go to trinaread.com to get your free copy of the sex bootcamp masterclass. While you're there, check out my award winning fiction book, the Sex Course, that went to number one in its Amazon category. Three days after launch. Both the sex course and sex bootcamp workbook are available in audiobook. If you want to hang with groovy, like minded, sex positive women, then join my online courses and the success community. It's your time to create the sex life of your dreams. It all [email protected] did you love what you learned today? [00:29:17] Speaker B: Share this episode with someone who needs it. Friends don't let friends have bad sex. Leave a review for this episode and follow like or subscribe on the listening app of your choice. We love hearing from our listeners. Email [email protected]. dot you can follow us on all social media platforms at sensationalsX podcast and join our mailing [email protected]. dot.