[00:00:00] Speaker A: In this episode of the Sensational Sex Podcast you'll find out why. Micro shames are like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would be a natural and healthy sexual desire and arousal response.
[00:00:13] Speaker B: Because micro shames are so tiny and easy to disregard, their power is they keep you silent. By keeping their power is they keep you looped in insecurity and silent.
[00:00:28] Speaker A: We go through how one woman, Alexandra, dealt with someone who body shamed her and what she did to get her sexual power back.
[00:00:38] Speaker B: Listen to the Sensational Sex Podcast where we give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you. We are thrilled to partner with X ends who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:00:54] Speaker C: Xsenz has an amazing and luxurious cooling arousing gel that is perfect for those motivate me moments that we'll tell you about halfway through this podcast.
[00:01:05] Speaker B: We love what Xcens is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
[00:01:11] Speaker C: Check them out at xcens-usa.com that's ex s e n s usa.com welcome to.
[00:01:21] Speaker D: The Sensational Sex Podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do.
Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week.
Soon you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life.
Follow us on social media at Sensational Sex Podcast Share this episode, leave a review and thank you for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:02:06] Speaker E: Hello beautiful people. I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. Thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy you're joining us.
[00:02:15] Speaker F: I'm Dr. Trina Reed and even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you. And we're here to help you with.
[00:02:25] Speaker E: That nice T shirt coffee mug.
[00:02:32] Speaker F: Thank you. I like your T shirt too. It's very subtle for that subtle lady. Like some women want to have a in your face motivate me T shirt and some women just prefer to be subtle. So there like that.
[00:02:48] Speaker E: I also like the elegance of the script. You know, again, it's a little more subtle. It's a little more, I don't want to say classy because that implies that the other one isn't classy, but it's.
[00:02:57] Speaker F: Just, I don't know, this is, this is not classy.
[00:03:00] Speaker E: That one's bold. I love it, it's functional.
[00:03:02] Speaker F: It's very functional.
[00:03:04] Speaker E: It's, it gets the message across loud and clear, which is good because it's asking for what you want. Right?
[00:03:12] Speaker F: So, Amy, why does every single listener need a motivate me T shirt and coffee mug?
[00:03:20] Speaker E: This is an easy way for you to learn to initiate sex and to ask for what you want. It's like a Swiss army knife. It will help you initiate, it'll help you communicate. And of course, asking for what you want is one of the most important parts of having a healthy, fun sex life. Imagine what your partner would do if they saw you wearing this.
[00:03:42] Speaker F: I know. I know exactly what your partner would say. I think we all know what your partner would say, and it's all good. And it's such a fun way to create couple intimacy. And if you want your very own motivate me T shirt and coffee mug, you're in luck, because we're doing a limited sale from November 11th to 25th. Go to our website sensationalsexpodcast.com to find out more.
[00:04:08] Speaker E: Go grab one.
[00:04:10] Speaker F: Time is almost up. So, Amy, November 23rd is Polyamory Day.
[00:04:18] Speaker E: Polyamory is a form of consensual non monogamy in which a person is involved with multiple romantic or sexual partners.
Oscar Wilde wrote, bigamy is having one wife too many, and monogamy is the same. Hmm. I don't know what I think about that, Oscar.
[00:04:36] Speaker F: I love Oscar Wilde.
I have no research on this. This is simply my observation, and that's 50% of the population is naturally monogamous, and 50% of the population is naturally non monogamous, which is probably why the divorce rate consistently sits at 50%. So, so of the 50% of non monogamous people, there are, there is a subset of people who are comfortable having multiple partners. Hmm.
[00:05:12] Speaker E: Yeah, I, I, I guess that would be assuming that the 50% of divorce is due to infidelity.
[00:05:19] Speaker F: So I think there's a lot of really good things about having an open relationship. I think open relationships in a lot of ways are so much healthier than the monogamous relationships, because open relationships forces you to communicate. It forces you to deal with emotions. It force, like, it, it makes you be aware of things that probably you take for granted when you're in a monogamous relationship. And for me, one husband is enough. I'm, I'm good with that. I do have friends who are in polyamorous relationships, and one of my friends said, I love my husband, but we've been married for 15 years. And sometimes it's just really nice when he goes over to their partner's house and, you know, their partner's dealing with his emotions and his stuff and, you know, she doesn't have to bother with it, and she's just. I never looked at it that way before, you know, like that they're sharing this. You know, she didn't have to take all that emotion on herself that there was somebody else helping her with that.
[00:06:23] Speaker E: In my sexology studies, it really just opened my eyes to just the different ways that people can experience relationships and love and sex. And, you know, if you look back through history and through now, you know, you think about all of these relationships that fall apart because of infidelity and because of this, you know, random societal construct that you have to be monogamous. And. And I agree that there are some people that are just naturally non monogamous. And when that can be recognized and accepted and embraced and then explored with consent and explored with communication, then it really opens up a wide door to pleasure and fun and connection and all of that. Now I'm with you. Also, through my sexology studies, it instigated a lot of interesting conversations between me and my husband. And we both very unequivocally agreed that we chose monogamy and that we chose each other. And I think that's the other flip side of this, is so many people get into monogamous relationships because it is what's expected, it's the norm versus doing it because they're choosing to be monogamous. And I think there's a power in that too, of exploring one thing, perhaps, and then discovering no, actually, I really just want to be with this person or vice versa. So I love that there's a lot more understanding and openness and less shame and judgment around this.
[00:07:57] Speaker F: And I think this new generation coming up, they're a lot more open to this idea of open relationships. And they're paving the way to polyamory being. Being normalized, which I think open relationships and polyamory might not be for you. And if a throuple is functioning well, who are we to judge them as a throuple? You know, if they're happy and everybody's benefiting from it, then that's all we need to know.
[00:08:29] Speaker E: I think the biggest thing that I've learned about polyamory and consensual non monogamy is the number one rule is this is not something to do to save a relationship. In order to go into this, your relationship needs to be rock solid And I think where a lot of people often get it wrong is one person wants to explore with other people, the other person really doesn't, but they're just trying to do it to make their partner happy. And. And that's never going to end well. But I would say if this is something that you're curious about, if you want to learn more about it, there's a phenomenal book called the Ethical Slut, and there's another one called Designer Relationships. So this is not a polyamorous podcast, but those would be two resources that I would direct you to if this is something you're curious about.
[00:09:10] Speaker F: Well, maybe we. We can look at. If you're interested in us doing a podcast about open relationships and polyamory, email
[email protected] and let us know.
[00:09:21] Speaker E: Absolutely. We'd love to dive into this for you.
Not fitting into the box of what society feels is acceptable can cause someone so much shame, and so they never even explore that option.
[00:09:34] Speaker F: And sexual shame is such a huge topic that we're doing a second podcast on shame. So in episode nine, we covered big shames. If you feel anxious, shameful, or guilty about a sexual activity, it will probably disrupt your body's sexual response and it will be difficult for you to experience sexual desire. That's your libido and kickstart your sexual arousal.
[00:10:04] Speaker E: In this podcast, we're going to help you identify the micro shames, which are indirect comments or actions that are subtle and they're often unconscious or unintentional. In essence, micro shames are the shames that go unnoticed, but their cumulative effect can be absolutely devastating to your sexual self confidence.
[00:10:25] Speaker F: So, for example, if you're scrolling on Instagram or Facebook, there's going to be thousands of messages flying at you that you're not taking in at a conscious level. You might even see something like a troll calling a celebrity fat. And you're not computing this as a micro shame.
[00:10:46] Speaker E: And this is the problem. You don't notice these micro shames and therefore you don't deal with them. And so the daily barrage of micro shames just accumulates and accumulates.
[00:10:58] Speaker F: So I think the difference between a big shame is in a lot of ways, if we're paying attention, we can feel that shame. So when we feel ashamed, our body, we can feel it in our chest or our throats or our stomach. You know, we're feeling that guilt or shame or anxiety or resentment. With micro shames, you're probably not noticing them. They're just sitting there yeah.
[00:11:22] Speaker E: And, and they do build up. And again, I almost imagine it's kind of like a jar with cotton balls. Right. You know, and you, you keep putting a cotton ball and a cotton ball and a cotton ball in, and then all of a sudden it just starts to explode out. And, and it's that explosion that can come at unexpected times and you don't know how it's going to affect you, how it's going to affect your relationship, how it's going to affect your body image, your self confidence.
[00:11:47] Speaker F: And I think the thing about micro shames is they do build up and then suddenly it's like this massive trigger and you don't know how that trigger, this massive trigger happened, like, where did this come from? Like what just happened here? But it's this accumulation of, you know, of all these micro shames day after day after day, and suddenly you just can't take it anymore.
[00:12:12] Speaker E: So to help make sense of this, we have a case study from Alexandra and how she dealt with someone body shaming her in the second half of our podcast. Hopefully her example is going to help you to move forward and manage your own micro shames. But first, let's talk about why it's important to acknowledge and deal with your micro shames.
[00:12:32] Speaker F: Rachel Keller said shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of what would naturally be a healthy sexual desire and arousal response. The natural responses are still there, but they're buried beneath the shame, which prevents the natural desire and arousal from surfacing.
[00:12:56] Speaker E: Just imagine millions of micro shames covering your otherwise healthy sexual arousal and desire. These micro shame triggers are in control, holding your sexual experience hostage and doing everything in their power to stop you from enjoying sex.
[00:13:13] Speaker F: I think what often gets overlooked are the micro shames that are too small to register consciously, but big enough to internalize and compound in the background, which is what we were talking about.
[00:13:27] Speaker E: Micro shames silence you by making you feel insecure. They make you feel like you're never good enough and they make sure that you're never going to let your guard down.
[00:13:36] Speaker F: Micro shame stop you from being vulnerable and opening yourself up to intimacy.
So where your toe curling pleasure lives is you being authentic and vulnerable. And micro shames is stopping this from happening. So let's give some examples of micro shame so that it's a little more understandable.
[00:14:02] Speaker E: So one example of a micro shame is feeling like as soon as my partner touches me, my libido should instantly kick in and get me in the mood for sex.
Anytime you use the word should when talking about anything with sex and intimacy, I would venture to say you're probably dealing with some sort of micro shame.
[00:14:26] Speaker F: Another micro shame is everyone but me can easily orgasm.
[00:14:33] Speaker E: Another one is everyone but me can orgasm in multiple different ways.
[00:14:40] Speaker F: Another one is, is it weird that I feel ashamed after I masturbate or have sex?
[00:14:47] Speaker E: What about this one? This is a very common one. I should be able to compartmentalize my busy day, my long to do list or daily drama, and easily get into a sexy headspace.
[00:15:03] Speaker F: Generally, women aren't able to compartmentalize her day and sex, and men generally are able to compartmentalize. And I think that's where the shame comes from, is like, you know, why can he so easily do it and why can't I do it?
[00:15:16] Speaker E: You know, a description that I've always used around that is that men's brains are like waffles, right? You've got all the little separate containers, and women's brains are like spaghetti.
[00:15:26] Speaker F: Oh, that's a good. That's a good analogy.
[00:15:29] Speaker E: Yeah, because it's just, you know, everything is just kind of all tied up and it's like, you can't pull this one individual noodle out of the mix. You just can't do that. And. And so that sexy noodle is all intertwined with the kid noodle and the. All the things I gotta do noodle and all of that stuff. And so, you know, being able to take off all of those other hats that we're wearing every single day and put on the sexy, gorgeous mama hat can. Can feel so challenging.
[00:15:56] Speaker F: Yeah. So there aren't enough hours in the day to sort through the millions of micro shames you experience. This means you will never get away from micro shames, but at least now you are aware of how they impact your will, want, and desire for sex.
[00:16:14] Speaker E: All right, let's take a break.
[00:16:16] Speaker C: What happens when you're not in the mood for sex and your partner is.
[00:16:20] Speaker E: Giving you the look?
[00:16:23] Speaker B: Instead of feeling pounced upon and not into it? You need to have a contingency plan. So initiation rituals will help to wake your body up in its arousal. And the. The best part is it only takes a minute.
[00:16:38] Speaker C: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist from the Sensational Sex podcast.
[00:16:43] Speaker B: And I'm Dr. Trina Reed. And a big thank you to X Ends for bringing you these sensual arousal tips.
[00:16:51] Speaker C: Has there ever been a time in your relationship when your partner was giving you that look? You know the one. Or maybe they were rubbing your leg or nuzzling your neck and you knew what was on their mind, but it was the last thing on yours.
[00:17:06] Speaker B: Well, Amy, I've been married for 22 years. So what do you think?
[00:17:11] Speaker C: Exactly. We have all been there and sometimes we just need a little motivation to get from EH to yeah. And that's where you need to grab the Xcenz cooling arousal gel from your bedside table to give you a cooling zap of arousal.
[00:17:28] Speaker B: Now you might be asking if arousal gel actually works and I'm an academic so I want to know if it actually works too. So in one study which included 500 sexually active heterosexual women between the ages.
[00:17:42] Speaker C: Of 18 and 59, 79% of respondents noted that the arousal product met or exceeded expectations.
78% of respondents reported increased sensitivity in their genital area. And of these, over 90% believed that the gel made their intimate experience even better.
[00:18:05] Speaker B: And most agreed that the gel enhanced arousal, orgasmic intensity, pleasure and satisfaction during their sexual activity.
[00:18:15] Speaker C: The best part, it's super easy to use. Apply a small drop to your clitoris, penis, nipples or anywhere that cooling is desired to discover intense and explosive sensations.
[00:18:30] Speaker B: And here's my pro tip. Cooling arousal gels are super strong. So just use one little drop to start. You can always add more. And the best thing is there are up to 100 applications per bottle.
[00:18:46] Speaker C: This is best to apply yourself because partners can sometimes get carried away in the heat of the moment and they might think it's a lubricant. So keep this on your side of the bedside table.
[00:18:56] Speaker B: So there are three body safe and flavored arousal gels to choose from. There's Raspberry mint hot vanilla espresso and the award winning ginger lychee.
[00:19:09] Speaker C: And best of all, it's body safe, vegan, paraben free, condom friendly and there are no petroleum based ingredients.
[00:19:17] Speaker B: That's amazing.
[00:19:18] Speaker F: So.
[00:19:19] Speaker B: And it gets even better. So go right this second before something in your busy life gets you distracted. To the X ends website, that's xns-usa.com and use the coupon code sensational and you will get 20% off.
[00:19:35] Speaker C: Are you curious to see what a cooling sensation can do for your sensual and sexual satisfaction? Of course you are.
[00:19:43] Speaker B: So make sure to have this discreet bottle of XN's arousal gel in your bedside table. Does reading a book sound a lot more interesting than having sex before giving.
[00:19:55] Speaker E: Up on your sex life? Listen to this.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: I'm Dr. Trina Reed.
[00:19:59] Speaker A: I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. And a little known fact is that women grow bored and tired of a sexual framework that sets her up for failure. The only way to stop having broken sex is to choose you.
[00:20:15] Speaker B: So tip number one, even though women are expected to come first, her sexual needs, desires and wants still come a distant second. Choosing you helps you put them first.
[00:20:30] Speaker A: Tip number two, choosing you and putting your sexual needs first is the most unselfish thing that you can do for your sex life.
[00:20:39] Speaker B: Tip number three, choosing you helps your overall sexual happiness, confidence and self esteem.
[00:20:46] Speaker A: Here's an easy tip. Make initiation more fun with our Motivate Me T shirts and coffee mugs.
[00:20:56] Speaker B: Listen every week to the Sensational Sex podcast to learn how to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:21:03] Speaker A: Go to sensationalsexpodcast.com to subscribe. And while you're there, pick up your Motivate Me T shirt and coffee mug today.
[00:21:12] Speaker B: And make sure to email us to let us know how your partner is motivating you.
[00:21:18] Speaker A: We would love to hear your sex cess story.
[00:21:22] Speaker E: Okay, it's time for Sex iq. So, in honor of National Polyamory Day, what percentage of women would ideally prefer to be practicing some form of non monogamy? Is it A, 7%, B 31% or C 55%? What would be your guess, Amy?
[00:21:43] Speaker F: Ooh, I think 50 is too high.
[00:21:47] Speaker E: I. I'm gonna go with 30. I'm gonna go with the 31%.
[00:21:53] Speaker F: So the answer is B 31%. You were right. One study showed 52% of men and 69% of women prefer to be completely monogamous. Meaning nearly half of men and one third of women would ideally like to be practicing some form of non monogamy.
[00:22:15] Speaker E: 8% of men and 7% of women wanted to be in a completely open relationship. And this means that most people who are into non monogamy want at least some rules or restrictions.
[00:22:29] Speaker F: 49% of younger folks said that their ideal relationship would be non monogamous, compared to 30% of the the over 65 crowd. Hmm.
[00:22:42] Speaker E: That, that last statistic actually surprises me a little bit. I feel like I hear more about polyamory and consensual non monogamy in older couples. It seems to be a little bit more of an empty nester kind of thing that the kids are finally gone and we've been with each other for 30 years. We're kind of bored. We want to go explore. But. But this says otherwise. So. And I think this also speaks to to the younger generations experiencing less shame and more openness around this.
Yeah.
[00:23:11] Speaker F: And you know, so my husband and I are monogamous and we have friends who are Swingers, and we have friends who are polyamorous. And so we've been to the swing club here in Calgary. And so even if you are monogamous, you can still go to the swingers club. And it's a lot of fun. Like, it's just. It's just a great night out. So, you know, you don't have to restrict yourself, you know, to try something new.
[00:23:42] Speaker E: And I think what's fun about that also is, again, you are fully committed to be monogamous, you know, going into these different spaces. And this goes for, you know, the polyamorous, the kink, the BDSM community. There's such a very clear, delineated rules and restrictions and discussions that are required. And so, you know, you don't have to worry about.
About getting into something that you don't want to get into.
And it's fun just to go explore and just check things out and maybe it'll spark your interest, or maybe it'll just make you super hot for each other and you won't be able to wait to tear each other's clothes off when you get back home.
[00:24:21] Speaker F: Yeah. So at a swingers club, no means no. And so, you know, no means no. And like you say, there's, there's rules and, you know, it's fun. Just go try it.
[00:24:32] Speaker E: Yeah.
[00:24:33] Speaker F: So this is the part of our podcast where we put on our sexologist hat and I was able to find this perfect case study. It's a blog post from Alexandra Murray, and the blog post is called My Experience with Body Shaming. And if you are interested in reading the full post, there will be a link to her blog in the show notes.
[00:24:59] Speaker E: So we're going to read Alexandra's post and then we're going to walk you through her micro shame. As you listen to Alexandra's situation, I want you to think about if you can relate maybe not to this exact experience, but perhaps this brings up a memory or a recollection of something similar.
[00:25:17] Speaker F: So if you do relate to Alexandra's story, make a mental note. See if it shows up somewhere on a feeling on your body like you're tense or you're. You're clutching. And then take this to the end of the podcast where we're going to be giving you solutions to Alexandra's body shame.
[00:25:37] Speaker E: Alexandra writes, a few months ago, I embarked on a trip to my favorite store in search of a new summer skirt. As soon as I walked into the store, I spotted a lovely green and white floral skirt that perfectly fit my summer skirt criteria. I found my size in the skirt and I headed straight for the fitting room, excited to see how the piece would look on my body.
As soon as I slipped into the skirt, I felt beautiful. It flared out over my hips and it flattered my curves in a way that I adored and it was the perfect length for a tall lady like myself.
[00:26:15] Speaker F: She goes on to say. I stepped out of the changing room, grinning to show my boyfriend how the skirt looked. He matched my smile and said that I looked great in it. As we both gushed over how beautiful the skirt was, I heard a voice behind me say, do you want a second opinion? The woman in the changing room next to me had emerged and was there and was staring at me, waiting for a response. She motioned me to come towards her and despite my confusion, I did as she requested.
[00:26:51] Speaker E: Alexandra Continues. At this point, I really had no idea what she was going to say and she leaned towards me and she said in a hushed tone, do you plan on losing weight anytime soon?
I shook my head.
Well, you really can't buy the skirt then. It is clearly not flattering on you. You need to size up. At least if you size up and then you decide to lose some weight, you can just take the skirt in at the waist.
[00:27:21] Speaker F: Alexandra keeps going. The woman then proceeded to explain to me how to take the skirt in, although I don't remember what she said. My brain was filled with what felt like television static. I was heartbroken. In a matter of minutes, I had gone from not being able to stop looking at myself in the mirror to wanting to rip the skirt off my body and never look at it again. I could not believe that someone, let alone a complete stranger, told me that I needed to lose weight.
[00:27:54] Speaker E: I have a lot of things to say about this horrible woman, but let's, let's take a deep breath and calm down. Because honestly, I'm just like, what in the world? Like, who is this person? How dare she.
[00:28:07] Speaker F: So, yes, all right, the thing is, I've had that experience.
Not, not that exotic experience, but I've had that, a similar experience to that. And I'm a slim person. So I, you know, who knows? Who knows?
[00:28:21] Speaker E: I, I, I definitely have had like someone ask me if I was pregnant when I wasn't. I've had that happen before and that was pretty awful. And it was a nurse too. It's one thing if, like a kid says that, but when it was like, it was like, I'm like, you're a medical professional. Like you should know better than to ask a woman if she's pregnant. Unless you, like, the baby is frowning, so. Or you've independently confirmed it from three sources, so. All right, all right, all right. Okay.
[00:28:48] Speaker F: We've calmed down.
[00:28:49] Speaker E: Okay.
[00:28:49] Speaker A: I know.
[00:28:49] Speaker E: I'm trying. I'm trying. This has got me a little steamed. I'm not gonna lie. So.
All right. So, Dr. Trina, what. What can Alexandra do to move through this micro shame?
[00:29:02] Speaker F: Okay, best case scenario, being aware that this is a shame, which she seems to know. Like, she's writing about it, and so she's aware that this is a shame, and she actually wrote it down and she's talking about that shameful moment. This is the best case scenario. So the trouble with micro shames is that we don't want to come off as whiners or overly sensitive, so we stay quiet, and you have to just stop right there. If it's. If this is sticking to you, then you need to work through it.
[00:29:37] Speaker E: Yeah, I think that's really important, and I think there is a fear of, like, oh, my gosh, like, I can't believe this person said this to me. And da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And I hope. I think every woman needs this person in their life, and I hope that everyone has it. Is the person that you can go and vent about the most ridiculous, petty little thing or.
This may feel like it's ridiculous and petty to one person. This may feel huge and enormous to another person, but you need to have someone in your life to be able to go through this with. Or. I love your suggestion. Also, if you aren't, I'm a verbal processor, in case you haven't figured that one out, but. Or write it down and process it in your own way and recognize what it is and be able to turn it over.
[00:30:28] Speaker F: So when you go through the effort of doing this, so you might be saying so much effort, but when you do go through the effort of doing this, then that shameful memory has been processed and it's gone. What it's going to do is create a vacuum where you can intentionally fill that space with a new, positive mindset, which we will find out. Alexandra did.
[00:30:50] Speaker E: So there was a really interesting quote from Carlin Costa's Spicy Fat podcast.
Why do I feel like I have to be thin? Feeling thin doesn't feel like a want from me, rather a need. My need to be thin is a 5% desire for me, and 95% is a quest that I need to fulfill for everyone else. Why then does everyone else need me to be thin?
That's intense.
[00:31:25] Speaker F: If you watch Curling Cost Spicy Fat podcast. She is pretty intense and she is very intent on helping women with their body image. And she says a lot of provocative things. And ultimately I think that she's right. So, you know, she's, she really wants women just to embrace their body as it is. And you know, I know that there's a lot of body image advocates out there and Carlin Causton just happens to be one, but she's right. Like, who, who are we being thin for? Are we being thin for ourselves or are we being thin? It's an expectation from everybody else.
[00:32:03] Speaker E: And it's a loaded topic to explore too, because as someone who have to have some. A lot of unintentional plastic surgery for reconstruction of my breasts after my double mastectomy. And what I ended up with was a much more perfect set, sort of. But they're scarred and there's no nipples, but they look, you know, from a shape perspective, they stick them out.
[00:32:28] Speaker F: Let's see your boobies. Oh, they're so nice. Your boobies are so nice.
[00:32:33] Speaker E: So. And most people, when I say I'm like, oh, I had a double mastectomy, they're like, you what? Like, you don't look like you have a double mastectomy. I'm like, well, I had some really beautiful reconstruction.
But I, it's interesting because I go in and out of harboring some weird guilt for wanting a body that looks a certain way and getting it in this weird, awful, roundabout, but ultimately beneficial way. It's, it's body image is so strange and complicated and, and then on the flip side, I take that and I say, well, you know, I'm grateful. Like, I'm grateful that this is how things turned out for me. I'm grateful that I did get to get a better body out of it. I try to brush that sort of weird guilt away. But, you know, body image is such a complicated thing.
[00:33:17] Speaker F: It is. Especially, you know, you went through a life threatening situation and you came through it and you know, you, you reconstructed your body and you feel guilty about that.
I'm not sure where that comes from. And you know, so good for you for being aware of it and, and sharing it because that's the process is talking about it and letting it out there. Part of releasing shame is to embrace that what you want is to be sexually connected. So Alexandra cannot fully connect with her boyfriend if she's carrying around that body shame.
[00:33:55] Speaker E: When she was there, she came out, she twirled in her skirt and her boyfriend said she looked so good and she was feeling so good, and I can only imagine her going home that evening and maybe her boyfriend was like, do you want to put on that cute skirt for me? And her being like, absolutely not, and feeling terrible and ugly and awful and oh gosh, I need to look, you know, let me go look up the newest keto diet and you know, what can I do? And how much that comment probably changed her entire day, week, month. Who knows how deep that dug in for her. Once she was aware and she started to identify these shameful thoughts and feelings and behaviors, then that allowed her to start to create new thoughts. However, as you're going to see when we continue with this post, what Alexandra did beautifully was she became aware of these shameful feelings. She was able to identify them, the thoughts, the feelings, and then the behaviors that accompanied them and that allowed her to create new thoughts that will fit with her sexual values.
Yeah.
[00:35:06] Speaker F: So when we're moving from a micro shame into something more positive, it's going to be a process because if you think about it, the cumulative effect over many, many years, the micro shames have just are sitting there in the back of your mind and it's going to take a long time for you to overcome these.
[00:35:31] Speaker E: Right.
[00:35:31] Speaker F: And this is not an overnight thing. It's about creating an awareness as it happens and giving it some validity. Yes, this person made me feel really bad. And I'm not being a whiner by saying it out loud. I'm actually defending myself and my self confidence and it's a good thing. So there, there's going to be a. You know what you were saying about you feel guilt around your body image. Like there's going to be guilt around you bringing this up and sticking up for yourself.
[00:36:00] Speaker E: Imagine that though, when you're feeling guilt about feeling shame and then you're feeling shamed about feeling guilt and it just becomes this whole spiral. And so what you have to do is you've got to be able to pull one of those things out and stop this whole thing in its tracks because it's just so easy to. Oh my gosh, I feel so bad about myself. I hate this. I hate this skirt. I hate that I. But no, I know I'm supposed to feel good about myself. I'm supposed to be a positive, confident, sexual woman. Why can't it be a positive, confident, sexual woman? What's wrong with me? How am I ever going to teach my daughters to be positive and confident if I can't? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we go through all of these things. And so we have to be able to stop this in its tracks and stop this process.
[00:36:44] Speaker F: So I hope you can understand why we did a second podcast on micro shames, because there's the big shames, the ones that are in our face, and then these micro shames are insidious, but they're just as destructive. And, and it's important to pay attention to when they're showing up in your life. And getting over it is not going to be bamboom. It's going to be you're probably going to feel guilt when you're trying to get over it, but just move through that guilt into the other side. So new thoughts open up to new positive feelings which will have you doing new behaviors. So let's look at how Alexandra handled her body shaming situation.
[00:37:26] Speaker E: I love what she did, by the way. Alexandra goes on to say in her blog post, I now hated the skirt that I had loved just a few minutes prior. However, after I spent some time in the fitting room mulling it over, I decided that I had no other option but to buy the skirt. I knew that it would take time before the woman's comments about my body wouldn't haunt me every time I wore the skirt.
[00:37:51] Speaker F: Alexandra's solution is that she says, I staged a photo shoot in the skirt with a friend to regain the confidence that the skirt had originally given me, which was an incredibly healing experience, though it took some time. I feel beautiful and empowered every time I wear the skirt, and I am proud to say that the skirt has become a staple item in my wardrobe. I feel good whenever I wear it, and I know the skirt fits my body perfectly.
[00:38:29] Speaker E: I'm going to post a link to this article in the show notes and you can see Alexandra in this beautiful green and white floral skirt.
[00:38:38] Speaker F: So thanks to Alexandra for putting it out there. I think this is something that so many women can relate to. I think we've all been through this kind of situation at one point in our life or another, and I know for myself, I just kept this to myself. But now I know better and I'm going to talk about it and I'm not going to feel like a whiner. I'm not going to feel like somebody who's, you know, like it's such a small thing and it's not. It's not a really big deal. You know, it's not a big deal.
I'm. I mean, it is a big deal. And I am going to say something.
[00:39:13] Speaker E: When we say things like it's not a big deal. We're minimizing our own feelings. We're minimizing our own reactions. And giving yourself the time to process is also showing yourself that you're worthy. You're worthy of taking that time. You're worthy of the respect that you give yourself to be able to take these things and turn them around and move them out so that then you can create that space for those positive thoughts.
So to recap, shame is like a thick coating of black tar that sits on top of your sexual desire and arousal.
[00:40:00] Speaker F: Micro shames are indirect comments or actions that are subtle. They're often unconscious or unintentional.
[00:40:11] Speaker E: The power in micro shames is that they're tiny and they're easy to disregard.
[00:40:16] Speaker F: And they keep you silent.
[00:40:20] Speaker E: To break through, you need to bring the micro shames out into the open.
[00:40:25] Speaker F: Find a role model like Carlin Costa who's doing this Sexy Fat podcast and is talking unapologetically about women's body image.
[00:40:34] Speaker E: So what small step will you take to feel empowered and start to overcome the micro shames that you've experienced?
[00:40:45] Speaker F: That's a good question. I. I think we should all walk away from this podcast thinking, okay, the next time this happens to me, I'm going to be aware of it and what can I do? Just know that you can work through this. You can manage it, and when you do, it's going to open up your mind for more healthy thoughts.
[00:41:04] Speaker E: If you want your very own Motivate Me T shirt and coffee mug, you are in luck. We're doing a limited sale from November 11th to 25th. Go to our website sensationalsexpodcast.com to find out more.
And until our next podcast, stay sexy on next week's episode of the Sensational.
[00:41:27] Speaker F: Sex Podcast on November's we don't know the answer, but we'll do our best. Bonus episode, we're going to discuss no Nut November.
[00:41:38] Speaker E: Does abstaining from masturbation and porn really help men?
[00:41:43] Speaker F: Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reed.
[00:41:45] Speaker E: And I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist. And we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:41:53] Speaker F: So in this sensational sex podcast episode, you'll find out what is no Nut November and how it has grown since 2011 into a huge men's movement.
[00:42:07] Speaker E: We're going to talk about how the research says one thing about masturbation and porn, but people ignore the research and go with their emotions.
[00:42:16] Speaker F: We then give some ideas to men who are trying to balance between masturbation and watching porn.
[00:42:24] Speaker E: Make sure to listen because this sensational Sex Podcast episode will give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:42:32] Speaker A: Are you ready to experience more passion and more pleasure? In my suburban Intimacy practice, I offer one on one sex and intimacy coaching for women and couples. Book a complimentary discovery call@suburban intimacy.com or learn more about my Intimacy Ignite program. Your solution to experiencing satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences and connection even when you're busy, tired and stressed. Intimacy Ignite is a curated collection of stimulating sex education activities and challenges whether you are single or in a relationship, plus live coaching with me twice a month. Save $10 off your first month with the Code podcast.
[00:43:15] Speaker E: You can learn
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[00:43:19] Speaker D: Sex on your mind but not in your bedroom? Then go to truth renaread.com to get your free copy of the Sex Boot Camp Masterclass.
While you're there, check out my award winning fiction book the Sex Course that went to number one in its Amazon category three days after launch. Both the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp Workbook are available in audiobook. If you want to hang with groovy, like minded sex positive women, then join my online courses and the success community.
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