[00:00:00] Speaker A: What are you doing to make your sex life more enjoyable?
[00:00:04] Speaker B: Absolutely nothing you say. Excellent. It's a new year and we want to help you create a new sexual you.
[00:00:14] Speaker A: In this Sensational sex podcast episode 18, New Year New you, we'll show you how with just a tiny bit of planning, you can tap into your pleasure self spectrum.
[00:00:26] Speaker B: We'll then take you through a what are you doing to make sex enjoyable Checklist to help you and your partner agree on how to make your bedroom time mutually fun.
[00:00:40] Speaker A: We'll walk you through an extremely easy sexual blueprint so you can unlock your pleasure spectrum to help motivate you and your partner into a bigger, better sex life.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: So make sure to listen and follow this sensational sex podcast where we are going to give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
Welcome to the Sensational Sex Podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reed have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week and take a small step. Soon enough you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media Sensational sexpodcast Share this episode, return next week, leave a review and thank you so much for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:01:49] Speaker A: Hello beautiful people. Thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy for you to join us.
[00:01:57] Speaker B: Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you and we're here to help you with that.
[00:02:05] Speaker A: What are you, dear listener, doing to make your sex life more enjoyable?
[00:02:12] Speaker B: Absolutely nothing you say. Excellent. It's a new year and we want to help you create a new sexual you that works within your busy life.
[00:02:23] Speaker A: First, we'll go through a what are you doing to make sex more enjoyable Checklist so that you can find one area to focus on.
[00:02:32] Speaker B: Then at the end of the podcast, we'll walk you through an extremely easy sexual blueprint on how you can tap into your pleasure pleasure spectrum to help motivate you into a bigger, better sex life.
[00:02:47] Speaker A: This is exciting. Are you excited?
[00:02:49] Speaker B: I am excited. You know, when you look at the new year and the new possibilities, I don't think we ever see sexuality fit into that new possibilities and I feel like this is an absolutely great time to open up your sensuality and sexuality.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: Yeah, I think so many people in the beginning of the year it's I'm gonna eat better, I'm gonna work out, you know, all of those different types of New Year's resolutions. But I don't know that I've ever heard anyone say, I'm going to work on my sex life. So we're excited for you guys to, to start this with us. So speaking of starting, let's start at the start.
Sex doesn't have to be a lot of effort, and it is so much more enjoyable when you are an active participant.
[00:03:36] Speaker B: So your motto for this year is participate, don't spectate. Women tend to be passive players in the bedroom and do not initiate sex.
[00:03:48] Speaker A: Studies show that men initiate sex more than three times as often as women do in long term heterosexual relationships.
[00:03:56] Speaker B: Too many women wait for sex to happen to her and then go along with whatever is presented. And sadly, the majority of women don't like what is being presented. But she says nothing.
[00:04:10] Speaker A: And chances are, if you don't put any thought, time or energy into the sex that you're having, it's not going to be something that you enjoy. And this is why so many women tend to put more time and energy into avoiding sex.
[00:04:27] Speaker B: And the worst thing is to believe spontaneous sex is the only way to have sex. Because unfortunately, when sex is initiated, it's a surprise and women feel pounced upon. You're not ready or in the right headspace to have sex, and you're resentful because your partner does not recognize that's where you're at.
[00:04:50] Speaker A: If you aren't completely happy with your sexual experience, it's time to take stock and responsibility.
So what are you doing to make your sex better?
[00:05:03] Speaker B: You literally need to put some skin in the game to take responsibility and own that you are in charge of your sexual happiness.
[00:05:13] Speaker A: Ooh, we sound like New Year's resolution coaches, don't we?
[00:05:17] Speaker B: Yeah, we're like your sexual personal trainer. Go, go, go.
[00:05:23] Speaker A: And when you go to the gym, when you're working out, when you're changing eating habits, you have to be willing to change your mindset, change the way you think about exercise, change the way you think about food, change the way you think about sex, it's a different thing. You don't want to go to the gym, you don't want to eat all the salad, but you know that it's going to be good for you, it's going to help you reach your goals. And so, so looking at your mindset, looking at the way that you're approaching sex and being willing to change things is ultimately going to bring you towards your sexual goals.
[00:05:58] Speaker B: And if we're using this gym example, I feel like when you do go to the gym and you do eat healthy, you're, you see this better version of yourself and you're like, wow, I, that's me, that can be me. And with your sex, new sexual you, that could be you too. And it doesn't take a lot of effort. With just a tiny bit of planning, suddenly you're tapping into your pleasure spectrum.
[00:06:22] Speaker A: And if you think about it in the past, if you've avoided going to the gym because you're tired, you don't feel good, you don't have the right clothes, you don't have the right shoes, you don't know what to do, all of those things, I think you can take every single one of those excuses and you've probably applied them to sex as well. And so when you make that change and recognize when you've had a positive sexual experience, you've never regretted it on the other end of it, even if maybe the first five or ten minutes wasn't exactly what you were looking for, recognizing that as you settled into it at the end, the connection, the pleasure, the fun, the passion that you had with your partner made all of that worth it.
So your pleasure spectrum is a vast range of all the sexual pleasure that your body contains. And there's a lot like a ton of sexual pleasure waiting and wanting to come out and play.
[00:07:22] Speaker B: Your pleasure spectrum is fluid and ever changing with a lot of nuances depending on your mood, menstrual cycle, and where you are in your life.
[00:07:32] Speaker A: No two women's pleasure spectrums are the same, which makes yours unique, interesting and worth exploring.
[00:07:41] Speaker B: You unlock your pleasure spectrum when you decide you want something outside of an orgasm and choose to bust out of the she comes first sex rut.
[00:07:53] Speaker A: You no longer accept walking into the tiresome. You take off your clothes, your partner tries to give you an orgasm, and then it's their turn and then the sex is over.
Yeah, boring. Sounds terrible. I don't want that.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: Nobody wants that.
[00:08:11] Speaker A: Nobody wants that.
[00:08:13] Speaker B: Instead, you open up your pleasure spectrum and bring in a fresh new dimension that gives your sex a soulful depth. And it won't take long before your partner is all about having yummy sex, sensual sex.
[00:08:31] Speaker A: Engaging your pleasure spectrum creates a healthy mindset that bolsters your sexual self esteem. And this new confidence will make it easier to be vulnerable.
[00:08:42] Speaker B: And FYI, vulnerability is where your toe curling sexual satisfaction lives.
[00:08:49] Speaker A: I love this description of the pleasure spectrum because this whole Orgasm. We have to have an orgasm. The pressure to have an orgasm, all of that is completely missing. All of the pleasure that happens along the way. And recognizing that there's just this wide breadth of all of these things and exploring and the playfulness of it, I think is just.
I think it's just so beautiful.
[00:09:17] Speaker B: So the thing about the pleasure spectrum is orgasm is in the pleasure spectrum, but there's so many other things that are there. And being able to open up your sexuality to all of these new sensual ideas, suddenly your sex becomes off the charts. Like, that's where that amazing sex lives. And many people who are stuck in a sex rut, they just feel like they have to have an orgasm. They go into the sex, you know, and they feel like we have an orgasm. The sex is done. And that's okay, but that gets pretty boring after a while.
[00:09:55] Speaker A: Can I tell you a story? I just had a story that popped to my face.
[00:09:57] Speaker B: We love your story theme.
[00:09:59] Speaker A: So my story is about the time that I finally realized that I was just going to allow myself to explore and experience pleasure and not worry about the orgasm anymore. Because I would get so stressed, you know, like, my husband would be doing things to me, and they were all good things, but I would be like, why is it taking so long? Why is my body taking so long? Why doesn't this feel good? Why is this, like, mildly irritating? I'm not sure if I even like this. And.
And, you know, and I was just questioning, what's wrong with me? Why is my body like this?
[00:10:30] Speaker B: Like, can I just interject here? I think you're speaking for the majority of women when you're like, yeah, your partner's doing things, and you're like, yeah.
[00:10:39] Speaker A: And I'm like, I don't know.
[00:10:40] Speaker B: Like, no, can we just move on, please?
[00:10:43] Speaker A: Yeah. I mean. And there were times that, like, five minutes, 10 minutes, like. And I explained this to James once somewhat recently. I said, I. I don't know if you completely understand, but sometimes the beginning of sex, and I'm talking five or 10 minutes, is, like, mildly irritating to slightly uncomfortable. And it just takes a while. And one day I just made this deal with myself, and I said, you know what? I'm gonna let it take as long as it takes. I'm just gonna let it take as long as it takes. And I'm gonna stop feeling guilty about it, and I'm gonna stop questioning my body, and I'm just going to allow it to take as long as it takes. And I'm gonna focus on. On the pleasurable sensations, recognizing that if I give it the time to take as long as it takes, that the pleasurable sensations are going to increase and increase and increase. And yes, ultimately the orgasm has always showed up, but just allowing myself to just focus on the pleasurable sensations and stopping worrying about how long is it going to take. What's wrong? You know, is he bored? You know, all of the things that just completely hijack everything.
And. And that was very liberating. That was. That's. That was an enormous turning point in our sex lives.
[00:11:58] Speaker B: Yeah. And I. I just feel like you should be preaching, like, preach, Amy, preach. And I really love this idea of parking the orgasm and just, like, then focusing on the sensations of your body. And I feel like that's an excellent and easy introduction into your pleasure spectrum, because when you start paying attention to the sensations in your body, it's easier then to say, oh, well, then I like this, and I also like this. And you start tapping into that pleasure spectrum that you have. So well done, Amy, for guiding us to our pleasure spectrum.
[00:12:35] Speaker A: And when you are an active participant, you are a lot more aware and pay attention to how your body talks to you. And that example is a very. A very good one of that. So when sex is initiated, what you want to do is take your sexual.
[00:12:52] Speaker B: Temperature, Meaning, depending on where you are in your mindset, your menstrual cycle, and your relationship, you are going to want sex in different ways.
[00:13:05] Speaker A: So in order to take your sexual temperature, let's go through the what are you doing to make sex pleasurable for you?
[00:13:13] Speaker B: Checklist to pick one idea from the list below and take it to the sexual blueprint in the second half of this podcast. So the first question on the checklist is, am I comfortable with initiating sex? And how often do I initiate sex versus my partner?
So I am comfortable initiating sex, and I would say that we initiate sex 50. 50. And I know I'm a sexologist, so of course, like, it's gonna be like that. I know, I know, but it took. But honestly, in my marriage, it took a while for us to figure out the whole initiation thing, Right? Because we have very different ways of initiating and giving our clues that we want sex. You know, it took us a long time, like maybe eight or nine years to figure that one out.
[00:14:02] Speaker A: I am comfortable initiating sex, but James definitely initiates more frequently than I do. I've been initiating more recently, but I would say it's probably more like 80, 20. So there you go, sexologist, not initiating that much. But when I. When I want to. I do.
[00:14:18] Speaker B: It's more that you and your partner are okay with this. So if you feel resentful When James initiates, 80% of the time, that's. That's a problem. But if you both are okay with. With this way that you're initiating, then it's okay.
[00:14:36] Speaker A: Yeah, and I think that's. That's a good point, because I. I really never feel resentful when he initiates. And there. And there are times that sometimes I do say, you know what? Tonight is not the night. I really am legitimately tired. But we. We have our game nights, we have other nights that we know that things are going to happen. And so. So it's, oh, well, not tonight, but how about tomorrow at lunchtime? Or not tonight, but tomorrow's Friday and the kids are sleeping over, and I know we're gonna have some fun then. And so there's never any resentful rejection, if that makes sense.
[00:15:10] Speaker B: I think this is like, you get an A plus, Amy, for the we're not gonna have sex now and we're gonna have sex in the future conversation. I think that's a great way to frame if you're not into this sex, it's like you're not. You're saying it's not going to happen now, but it is going to happen in the future. And that's a nice way to, you know, turn your partner down and make sure that they understood that you hear them and you need them and sex is going to happen.
[00:15:37] Speaker A: I think it is important to say, though, if you do turn them down and say it's going to happen, you know, on Thursday, then make sure it does happen on Thursday. So because I have had clients, I have had people that have said, you know, they say, okay, next weekend or whatever, and then it just turns into this constant cycle of being turned down. So, so if you do turn down and you say, let's do it on this other day, then plan for that. Really prioritize that, make sure that that does happen. So the next thing on the checklist is, does anything make me feel un. Seductive? Kids, partner, body image, work, perimenopause, illness, medications. And what is the biggest hurdle to overcome with those things that make me feel unseductive?
[00:16:25] Speaker B: So I've been in perimenopause for at least 10 years, and it's really flatlined my libido at times. And I do remember during COVID I was completely shut down. And I think that was. That happened for a lot of women where they just. Their Libidos completely shut down during the pandemic.
And I just felt. And especially when my kids were young, I felt very asexual. And, you know, it was really difficult and also aging.
And as you age, women tend to disappear. And I'm not used to disappearing. I'm used to walking in a room and everybody's head turning and. And now it's not happening. And that is really affecting how I see myself as a sexual person. And I know I shouldn't be that vain, but that's just been a normal for all of my life, and suddenly it's not happening. So, you know, these are all indirectly affecting my ability to be sexual with my partner.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: Well, I don't see you ever disappearing, Dr. Trina, ever.
[00:17:33] Speaker B: Well, it's true, though. I am disappearing. Like, you know, anyways.
[00:17:40] Speaker A: Yeah. As far as things that make me feel unseductive, you know, I remember when my kids were younger and things like that, and I was, you know, stay at home mom. I was basically living in sweatpants and, you know, just maybe hadn't showered in two days, things like that. I think what I'm grateful for is even in that time when I had a lot of baby weight on and, you know, just was not taking the best care of myself and all of those things, James still always made me feel beautiful, you know, like. Like he always did. And it was never a big deal.
So. So that helped a lot. And then, you know, as we've gotten older, as our children are older, you know, we. We do a little more play now. There's a little, you know, putting on, like, an outfit or something like that. And so, you know, sometimes I'll just throw a pair of socks and be like, hey, put these on. And I'm like, okay. You know, cool. Like so.
And so that helps, you know, in this moment where it's like, okay, let's just. Let's just play a little bit more. Let's spice things up. So. And so I think it's also helpful, you know, if you're giving your partner the look or they're giving you the look and, you know, you haven't showered that day, then, you know, say, hey, I need to go take a shower, or, hey, why don't you go take a shower?
[00:18:56] Speaker B: Why don't we take a shower together?
[00:18:57] Speaker A: Why don't we take a shower together? Yeah, absolutely. And if that's gonna become play, then make sure you have a silicone lube.
[00:19:01] Speaker B: Handy, but tuck behind the shampoo bot.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: That's right.
[00:19:06] Speaker B: Notice it.
[00:19:10] Speaker A: So, yeah, so I think those are. Recognizing what those things are because, you know, we're doing the Dr. Emily Nagoski turn on the ons, turn off the offs, whatever those things that are making you feel unseductive, you need to turn those off.
[00:19:24] Speaker B: So the next question on the checklist is, what is the most sexual or seductive thing about me?
How can I bring that into my sexual experience?
This is a really hard question to answer because I don't see myself as a sexual or seductive person.
I think the best thing about me is I am consistent, and I make sure that I have sex consistently, and I've been like that throughout my marriage. And having sex consistently has helped our partnership. And. But that's not sexy or seductive. But maybe it is on some level. I don't know.
[00:20:08] Speaker A: I think that is, though, because your husband, knowing that he can come to you and that you guys are going to have a good time and a good sexual time like that is sexy and seductive, and. And I think there's this beautiful simplicity in that. It's not needing to dress up or try different toys or all of those things, which may be a part of it, may not be, but just showing up consistently and saying, yes, I'm here. I'm going to connect with you. I love you. We're going to experience some passion together and have fun. There's a beautiful simplicity in that, and I think that that's important to recognize.
[00:20:48] Speaker B: And can I just share something?
Because I know my husband does not listen to the podcast. So during, when we had really small kids, it was a struggle to show up consistently, and he complained that we weren't having sex enough. And I'm like, dude, are you kidding me? Like, I am doing everything to show up for you in this partnership, and all you can do is complain about us not having sex enough.
[00:21:16] Speaker A: And I think that's the story for so many women that are listening, and it's important for them to hear that even as sexologists, we've experienced those same challenges. We've. We've had some of those same conversations, you know, in our marriage and. And gotten through it and gotten over it. And that's why you're listening. That's why you're listening to this podcast, to help you with that.
[00:21:36] Speaker B: I'm not bitter. I'm still not bitter about that. No, no, I've gotten over it.
So what's the most seductive or sexual thing about you?
[00:21:44] Speaker A: James and I have had a lot of good conversations that have been very vulnerable conversations and have opened up sort of these doors to just creativity and playfulness. And so I think the most sexual or seductive thing about me is I'm just like, cool, let's try it.
[00:22:04] Speaker B: Yeah, you're good for that. You are so good for that.
[00:22:08] Speaker A: I'm like, whatever. Whatever idea you have in your head, like, I'm here for it. Sure. Like, I don't know if I'm gonna do it, you know, two or three or four times, but, yeah, let's give it a try. I think probably the most sexual or seductive thing about me is just my openness to creativity. And I think that's my Gemini Ness, 100%.
But I am very open to new experiences while being honest and true to my boundaries and to the boundaries that we've set within our relationship.
[00:22:44] Speaker B: Yeah, there's so much we can all learn from you, Amy. You know, being like, sure you want to do this? Absolutely. We'll give it a try, you know, and you don't have to like it, but you're giving it a go. So.
[00:22:55] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:22:55] Speaker B: Amazing.
[00:22:56] Speaker A: I always say I was like, I'll try anything once. And then from a sexual perspective, I actually recommend trying things at least three times because something brand new, it's going to be a little unfamiliar. You may not be able to relax and really enjoy it. The second time, it's going to be more familiar, and by the third or fourth time, you can form an opinion on it. So. So I say I'm willing to try anything three times, and then I'll decide whether or not that's something that I want to continue or not continue. We.
[00:23:22] Speaker B: I think we need to do a separate podcast on just this subject.
[00:23:25] Speaker A: So we will. We will. We'll. We will add that to the queue.
So next on the checklist is what is my preferred sense? Taste, touch, hearing, seeing, or smelling. And have I ever purposefully used my preferred sense in pre sex or foreplay? Explain.
[00:23:46] Speaker B: Oh, so my preferred sense is absolutely hearing.
I have an ear for music, and when a song comes on, honestly, it's like.
Like, just like. Like, it's not my partner getting me wet, it's the song getting me wet. And I know that if I'm having a tough time getting into things, just put some music on. However, this has backfired in my relationship because my husband knows my playlist, and then he was playing it too much, you know, like, it was just too much, like, I would hear, and I'm like, oh, you know, like, so you have to keep the music fresh. But honestly, I. Yeah, music for sure. I just. Music sends me and like, you know, I can be in the middle of a supermarket shopping for groceries, and the song comes on, and I'm just like, wow. I'm like, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling turned on. Yeah.
[00:24:40] Speaker A: Yeah. Music. Music is very important to us as well. We pretty much put it on just about every time at this point, so. And if we don't, then I have a hard time. You know, my brain just is doing this, and music just kind of calms it down. And it's interesting, you say, about needing to change it up, because he usually puts the music on, and he definitely has, like, a couple particular things that he tends to put on, and I'm getting really bored of them. So I'm going to speak up and say, let's try something else. Yeah. Because it's. It's great. It's like a great track. You know, it's really this house music, whatever. But, yeah, I. As. As you've probably learned about me working together and listeners, I. I get bored easily, and I like change, so.
[00:25:23] Speaker B: Well, that's an easy change.
[00:25:25] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:25] Speaker B: Changing up your. Your Spotify, for sure.
[00:25:28] Speaker A: Absolutely. So. So, yeah, I would say hearing is my favorite too.
[00:25:32] Speaker B: Yeah. So the next question on our checklist is what would I change about my behavior or approach to sex? Well, I'm gonna do another confession, Amy.
[00:25:44] Speaker A: Oh, lots of good confessions today.
[00:25:47] Speaker B: I love it.
I'm doing this for you, dear listener. Doing this for you.
So as a person's body ages, their skin thickens, and that thickened epidermis doesn't feel sensuality as well. So I need to learn how to ask for the sensual part of our sex to last longer, because it is taking me longer to get into the sex, to feel the sensuality on my body. And there's a part of me that is ashamed of that. I'm like. Like I should just be able to feel that, but it's not true. I'm. As I'm aging, it's just taking me longer to get into things and feel the sensation and let my body just relax. And I need to have that conversation with my husband.
[00:26:36] Speaker A: I think mine is along the same lines. And I talked about it a bit before. It was recognizing that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm going to allow it to take as long as it takes. And again, like, closer to ovulation, it doesn't take that long. Things happen faster. In other times of my cycle, it takes much longer. And I know, you know, I'm in my late 40s now. As I move into 50s 60s and beyond. I know that is going to continue to take longer. And letting go of guilt, letting go of feeling broken, letting go of like it should be, I should, I should be able to do this faster. And just saying I'm worth it. I'm worth the time that it takes. And if that is five minutes or 50 minutes, we're gonna make it happen.
[00:27:27] Speaker B: And the thing is, my husband's reaction will be, I need to take longer. And he's like. And I'm sure he'll be like, okay. So here I am spinning in my head like worrying about this. And the conversation will be like, okay, well let's just do it then. You know, so I'm not sure what that, what that is there, but you just need to get over ourselves and just do it.
[00:27:50] Speaker A: Yeah, I think another behavior change too, that can be important. There is recognizing if it is taking longer, what are, what are some things that we can do to pre plan? Right. We know music is helpful. Let's make sure we have the right lubricant on hand. Like go ahead and pregame with, with a toy. Like get some clitoral sensation going on. Like while he's taking a shower. Go ahead and bring a toy into the mix and start getting the blood, start getting the blood flowing down there. Or an arousal gel, the extends, arousal gel, any of these types of things, welcoming that into your sexual experience. Maybe saying this might just be a non negotiable is we need to be able to have these certain things. So let's plan for it, let's recognize it, let's embrace it, and let's make it part of our experience. So the next question is, am I satisfied with how a typical sexual encounter unfolds?
And if not, how can I make it better?
So what about you, Trina?
[00:28:47] Speaker B: Okay, I think my husband and I, because we have kids, and I'm not blaming the kids, but there are certain parameters when you have kids, especially when they're home for the holidays and you're all in the house together. I think we've gotten into some bad habits and I would like us to get into some new habits, which is just really about having a conversation. You know, our sons are teenagers now. Just find that, you know, as the kids get older, we just have to keep having different conversations about what our sexuality looks like. And I think we're at that point now where we need to have that next conversation.
[00:29:24] Speaker A: Yeah, they stay up late, they want to come talk at 11:30 at night. I can't tell you how many times we have planned. We have been looking forward to doing something that evening. And then it just did not happen. Because one of them was like, hey, dad, come play video games with me. The other one's like, mom, I really want to watch a movie with you. And part of us is like, come on, this is. We're gonna go do this. And the other part is time is precious. Like, we have very few years left, and I'm going to go spend. They. They actually want to talk to me right now. Okay, let's do it.
[00:29:58] Speaker B: So you drop everything. Your kids want to talk to you. It's like, okay, yes, whatever. It's okay. Bye, James.
[00:30:04] Speaker A: We don't need sex tonight. It's fine. Yeah, but then to your point, just about having that conversation, it's. It's just so important if that does happen. Not if. When. When that does happen, it's just acknowledging, oh, I was looking forward to having fun tonight. Oh, well, so. And so came in the room, but let's try again for tomorrow night. Or maybe we can meet up for a lunchtime rendezvous. So I think acknowledging it versus letting it just like, oh, did. Did. Did she forget? Did he forget? I don't know what was going to happen. You know, it's. It's that thing that I think that can happen, and then it's not talked about it swept under the rug. And then that's what kind of starts to build.
[00:30:43] Speaker B: The final question on the checklist is, do I feel comfortable talking to my partner about sex? Explain.
[00:30:52] Speaker A: You know, what's really interesting is, generally speaking, yes. But there have been a few conversations we've had very recently, like within the past month that felt uncomfortable about sex. And. And I even said it in that conversation with him. I said, isn't it interesting that 20 years married, I'm a sexologist, and. And we have a really wonderful sex life, that this can still feel awkward for us. And it does.
And that's another thing that I like to share, because if. If it can still feel awkward and strange for us, you know, then the fact that it can feel awkward or strange for. For any couple is very normal. But there's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable, just acknowledging it. This is a little uncomfortable for me to share, but, yeah, I remember when.
[00:31:42] Speaker B: We had Jessica O'Reilly on our October live, and she talked about leaning into the awkwardness. And when you lean into the awkwardness, it becomes. Each subsequent conversation becomes less awkward. And I, you know, I really took that and valued it because it's true. You know, it's the. If you go into this conversation knowing it's going to be awkward, but it's going to open up new conversations that are going to be less awkward. You know, I feel like if, I don't know, it fortifies me. I don't know if that would fortify you.
[00:32:15] Speaker A: Absolutely. Well, and you know, and I will say this one particular conversation that felt awkward would have been, would have never happened, like period two or three years ago. Right. The fact that we were even able to talk about those things now, even if it did feel awkward, was an enormous, like huge leaps forward from where we were. And yeah, leaning into the awkward, recognizing that the only way you're ever going to get out of the comfort zone, which is probably not working for you, is to get a little uncomfortable. And that's okay, because if you are in a loving, trustful relationship with your partner and you know that you guys can hold each other up and get through those uncomfortable conversations, then that is just opening up more doors for you on the other side.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: That's where vulnerability lives. That's where your pleasure spectrum lives. It's on the other side of those uncomfortable conversations. And I think both Amy and I appreciate and understand that it's difficult. And we're having those conversations. And when we're having those conversations, as Amy said, it's difficult. And we also know that there's something better on the other side of that conversation. And so if that helps you to know, okay, so I don't want my, I don't want this sex here, but if I have this conversation on the other side of it, it's going to open something up for us as a couple. Hey, Amy, we're back with our sex iq. What do some women regret most about casual sex? A, not using a condom or birth control, B, being too sexually inhibited, or C having sex with the wrong person.
[00:33:56] Speaker A: The short answer is C, having it with the wrong person.
Women are more likely to walk away from casual sex, having a less than satisfying experience, feeling disgusted and worrying about their health and, or the implications for their reputation.
[00:34:15] Speaker B: So women's most common regrets were cheating on a partner or jumping into bed too fast.
[00:34:23] Speaker A: You know, I think the jumping into bed too fast especially. And look, there's no judgment. I have no judgment on people one night stands. Like I had a couple back in my day a long time ago. And you know, these things happen. So there's no judgment there. But I think certainly for a woman's sexual experience, if you're with somebody that you don't know, then you're probably fairly unlikely to say, hey, I would like you to this, or I need this. I think you're less likely to ask for what you want and therefore less likely to get what you want.
[00:35:03] Speaker B: Yeah, they, they're. They've done research to show the orgasm gap with heterosexual women and heterosexual men. And heterosexual women tend to orgasm, I don't know, at 8% or something like that.
[00:35:15] Speaker A: 4%.
[00:35:16] Speaker B: 4%, yes.
[00:35:17] Speaker A: 4%.
[00:35:17] Speaker B: And then it just makes sense. You don't know this person. You don't know how to ask for things. They're probably just going in and out, in and out, in and out of your vagina, which, it's okay, but it's not going to get you to orgasm or give you any pleasure. So women having regrets about casual sex, about jumping into bed too fast, it makes a lot of sense.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: I'm. I'm remembering a casual sex event from many, many, many, many, many, many years ago and just being like, yeah, it was. It was really hot. I was in Spain. There was, like, sweat dripping on my head, and I was just like, why, why this? Why am I doing this? I don't know. Did I say anything? Did I stop it? I mean, and, you know, it was. And it was completely consensual. Like, let me be completely clear about that. But was it wonderful or satisfying? He was a friend of mine. Like, it kind of ruined that friendship, too. So, yeah, no, if I could go back, I would not have done that. All right, so moving on from casual.
[00:36:23] Speaker B: Sex, how do you segue into the.
[00:36:26] Speaker A: I don't know. I don't know. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm glad. Glad that. I'm glad that that is not a thing in my life right now. So that's. That's how I feel about that. But this is the part of the podcast where we put on our sexologist hats and we give you the concrete and practical tools to help your sexual situation.
[00:36:45] Speaker B: So we're walking you through how to build your very own sexual blueprint. So you might be asking, what is a sexual blueprint?
[00:36:56] Speaker A: Because you are in charge of your sexual happiness, you need to be the architect of your sexual experience and chart out what that looks like.
[00:37:07] Speaker B: So your sexual blueprint is meant to guide you as your sexuality and mindset evolve. And this is especially helpful when you're at an impasse and don't know what your next step is.
[00:37:20] Speaker A: You're uncertain about what you want from your sexual experience, or if you're not.
[00:37:26] Speaker B: Sure about setting sexual boundaries, or maybe.
[00:37:31] Speaker A: You don't know where to start on your sexual mindset.
[00:37:35] Speaker B: Your sexual blueprint is a structured way to understand yourself and your needs and your wants. So what you need to do is take one idea from the checklist that we just went through and put it through this sexual blueprint.
[00:37:51] Speaker A: And by the way, we'll have this checklist available in the Show Notes and also on our blog.
So this is the sexual blueprint exercise. If you're like, Trina, go grab three sheets of plain paper.
[00:38:06] Speaker B: I'm old school and I'm proud of it.
[00:38:09] Speaker A: Yes. So if you're a paper person, go get three sheets of paper. If you're like me, pull up Google Docs or honestly, what I would do with this is Google sheets. Is it weird that I would do this in a spreadsheet? I don't know. That's just me.
[00:38:22] Speaker B: Whatever works for you, Amy. However, however, you're going to get this down on paper. So that's, that's, that's the ultimate. If a back of an envelope works best for you, just do that.
So the first page is about what you do not want.
[00:38:40] Speaker A: So you're going to label this page or for me, I would label the column the things I dislike about sex.
[00:38:47] Speaker B: And without judgment, list everything possible that comes to your mind that you don't like about sex.
[00:38:56] Speaker A: And this might take you a few days or a few weeks.
It's nice to have this. And as things pop to mind, you can always add to it. So, so as you think of something that you dislike or that you don't want, continue to add that to your list.
[00:39:14] Speaker B: So the first thing that always pops to my mind is what happens if my partner sees this list and the guilt I would feel of them seeing this list. And I think that guilt of maybe your partner will find this list and then all your secrets will be out.
That might stop women from doing the what they don't like list. But I think it's really important to start saying, well, you know, this doesn't do it for me and this doesn't do it for me because it's helping you to understand your sexual boundaries.
[00:39:49] Speaker A: Hopefully most of these things aren't personal, though they very well may be. So recognizing and putting this in a safe place, maybe not writing things I dislike about sex sex, but you can just write dislike and knowing what it.
[00:40:02] Speaker B: Is, putting it on the kitchen table where your partner can see it. Like, you know, just be discreet. You can put it in places. Not that you want to have secrets from your partner, but if this is going to Stop you from writing this down, then put it in a place that is safe for you.
[00:40:18] Speaker A: And if God forbid, your partner does happen to find this list and they are like, oh, what is this discussing that this is an activity that is ultimately helping you to have a better understanding of what you do like, what you do want from sex. So, and part of that is knowing the things that are no's. The boundaries are very, very important and everyone has different boundaries and, and the boundaries, they may shift over your lifetime, but knowing what your absolute no's are is very important. I remember very early on James and I, he like pulled my hair and I do not like that at all. And I know a lot of people do like that. I was like, what are you doing? Like, do not pull my hair.
And he was like, I don't know, I thought people. I was like, no, don't. Do not pull my hair. Like, I do not like it when you pull my hair. So. And for some people, I think they might really like that I do not pull my hair.
[00:41:14] Speaker B: That's a really good example. Like that's, that's a no.
[00:41:16] Speaker A: Yeah, that's a no for me.
[00:41:18] Speaker B: So then you need to take the second page and label the second page things that you enjoy about sex or your column.
[00:41:28] Speaker A: But as with your dislike list, there is no judgment. So list every possible thing that comes to mind when you think of different ways that sex can bring you fulfillment and joy.
[00:41:39] Speaker B: As with the dislike list, you need to give your brain some space, time to think about this. So you need to write out your list and then set both lists aside and take a break for a minimum of 24 hours. And if possible, the best case scenario is give it a week.
[00:41:57] Speaker A: I know that when I have something important for me to say, a conversation, it's something that I like to kind of write everything down and then I take a step back. I have my best ideas and thoughts when I'm driving and when I'm in the shower, which are the two times that I can't write anything down. And. But they always happen in those time frames. So. But when you are giving yourself the space to reflect on this, thinking back on what was a really positive sexual experience, what was one that was just really amazing, that stands out.
Now let's get into the specifics of what made that so good.
And when you have opened up your mind to really start to think, think about this, other little things are going to start to pop up.
So now you need to create your non negotiable list. So grab your Dislikes list and a red pen. Or I would use the red highlight on sheets and review each item on your list and ask yourself, is this non negotiable? For example, hair pulling? Nope.
[00:43:02] Speaker B: Meaning this is something you absolutely cannot have in your ideal sex life or relationship and it's not going to fit into your pleasure spectrum.
[00:43:14] Speaker A: So if it's a yes, circle it with a red pen or highlight it in red on your spreadsheet. And these are your sexual boundaries that you need to put in place for you to open up and enjoy your sexual experience fully.
[00:43:29] Speaker B: Yeah, I think a pillar of a woman's sexual pleasure is definitely understanding what her sexual boundaries are. And most women don't have sexual boundaries. They've. And so because she doesn't have any boundaries, she just lets everything happen and think she likes some of the things she doesn't like. But here you're saying no, this is, this is not what I want or this is what I want. And suddenly you have a sexual confidence that you didn't have before. Now, on your side, third page, this becomes your ideal list.
[00:44:03] Speaker A: So next you're going to get your loves list and a red pen and you're going to review each item on your list and you're going to ask yourself, is this non negotiable?
[00:44:13] Speaker B: Meaning this is something you absolutely must have in your ideal sex life or relationship. So if yes, circle it in red pen or highlight in green on your Google sheets.
[00:44:25] Speaker A: I like green for go, so that's why I did green.
And after identifying the non negotiables on each list, you're going to take your third paper and you're going to label it My Sex Filter.
[00:44:38] Speaker B: So draw a line down the center of the page and on one side write no and on the other side write yes.
[00:44:46] Speaker A: Copy your non negotiable items from your dislike list into the no column.
Copy your non negotiable items from your love list into the yes column and.
[00:44:58] Speaker B: Congratulations, you've just created your sexual blueprint.
[00:45:03] Speaker A: So keep your three sheets of paper tucked away in a safe place or save it in Google Docs and every once in a while check it and see how your sexuality and relationship have evolved.
[00:45:16] Speaker B: And I think checking it is important because sometimes when we put things to the side, we forget about it. But when you bring it out periodically, like maybe once a month and you take a look at oh yeah, this is what I wanted it, you get reminded and all of a sudden you're back into that mindset of these are the things that I want to have happen in my sex life.
[00:45:38] Speaker A: And I like the conscientiousness of this process because as we've talked about so many times, so many people just kind of, you just kind of go along with it. You just go along with what's happening. And even, you know, in it you might be like, oh, I don't really, really like this or oh no, I do really like that. But you're not necessarily vocalizing it and you're not recognizing whether this is yes, this is a like or this is a non negotiable. And once you know what those are and even better, if you feel comfortable, and hopefully you do, sharing this with your partner, then that is going to enable you guys to co create the best possible sexual experience. Knowing these are the things that need to be a part of this every time or not a part of this every time. And then within that, around these boundaries now we can kind of play and start to explore with some other things.
[00:46:32] Speaker B: So I know there's people who are listening who are going, you know, that sounds great, but I just don't have the time or you know, I don't really know if that is for me. And so I just want to give you some reasons why creating this sexual blueprint is important.
[00:46:49] Speaker A: You know, self acknowledgment is a muscle and you need to recognize when you've had success.
[00:46:57] Speaker B: You also need to recognize when you've pushed yourself out of your comfort zone.
[00:47:02] Speaker A: And when you've asked for what you.
[00:47:04] Speaker B: Want and when you've set sexual boundaries.
[00:47:10] Speaker A: Something we've talked about on almost every podcast episode is celebrating each small change. And this is integral and a fundamental cornerstone of your sexual development.
[00:47:22] Speaker B: So when you have this list, you can see that you are developing. And the more you allow yourself to feel that win, the easier it is for you to accept and expect your pleasure. So with your sexual blueprint, you are sexually self aware, you're open to sexual change and ready to pivot to make it easier to move forward from sexual strength to sexual strength.
[00:47:48] Speaker A: It's time to take charge and control of your pleasure. This is your year and it does, after all, belong to you.
[00:47:57] Speaker B: It's exciting to see what wonderful and juicy things can happen to your sexual experience when you do things outside of your comfort zone.
[00:48:08] Speaker A: So let's recap what we talked about on our podcast today. If you aren't completely happy with your sexual experience, it's time to take stock and responsibility. So what are you doing to make.
[00:48:22] Speaker B: Yourself sex better in order to take your sexual temperature? We went through the what are you doing to make sex pleasurable for you.
[00:48:31] Speaker A: Checklist and then you took one of the seven questions and ran it through the sexual blueprint exercise.
[00:48:42] Speaker B: You wrote down what you dislike about.
[00:48:44] Speaker A: Sex and what you like about sex.
[00:48:48] Speaker B: And from your non negotiable list comes your ideal sexual blueprint.
[00:48:54] Speaker A: And then with just a tiny bit of planning, suddenly you have tapped into your pleasure spectrum and we can guarantee.
[00:49:03] Speaker B: That you will experience a higher level of emotional intimacy, sensuality and couple connectedness.
[00:49:11] Speaker A: You, your partner and your sister sexual experience are so worth this small amount of planning. It's a new year and the new sexual you is waiting to burst out.
[00:49:25] Speaker B: So that's it for us.
[00:49:26] Speaker A: Until next time. Stay sexy on next week's episode of.
[00:49:31] Speaker B: The Sensational Sex Podcast why do women fake orgasm? And why are men okay with women faking orgasms?
[00:49:42] Speaker A: Ladies, when your partner asks did you come and you didn't, are you able to tell them the truth?
[00:49:50] Speaker B: In this Sensational Sex podcast, episode number 19 Stop Faking Orgasms like immediately. No, really, just stop. We're doing a faking your orgasm intervention.
[00:50:03] Speaker A: Are you stuck in a faking orgasm hellhole and you can't get out? We'll reveal the four reasons why women fake orgasm.
[00:50:13] Speaker B: We'll then dive into the orgasm gap where heterosexual women have far fewer orgasms than men but are stuck and feel the she come first pressure to orgasm with every sexual encounter.
[00:50:27] Speaker A: Then we'll walk you through an easy yet effective exercise to finally stop faking.
[00:50:34] Speaker B: So make sure to listen and follow, because this sensational sex podcast will give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:50:45] Speaker A: Are you struggling with lack of desire, mismatched sex drives, pain or peri or postmenopausal shifts that affect your sex life? Are you craving more pleasure and passion in the bedroom but you don't know where to start? At Suburban Intimacy, I offer a holistic blend of one to one coaching, educational workshops, online events and curated by a sexologist. Intimacy products Book a complimentary discovery
[email protected] and while you're there, download your five free tips for sexy scheduled sex. Want to spice things up? Save 15% off your first order at suburbanintimacy shop.com with the code PODCAST15 is.
[00:51:32] Speaker B: Good sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Go to trina reid.com and check out my award winning books, the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for my Success newsletter to get weekly freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
