[00:00:00] Speaker A: On this month's We Don't Know the Answer, but We'll Do Our Best Bonus episode, We're talking about whether repair attempts can help a couple to stop fighting during the stressful holiday season.
[00:00:14] Speaker B: The holidays can pile on stress, especially for so many women who do the invisible chores and to do's to get everything ready. This can cause couples to snap, bicker and fight.
[00:00:28] Speaker A: Hi, I'm Dr. Trina Reed.
[00:00:30] Speaker B: And I'm Amy Rowan and we're so happy to help your sexuality thrive after the honeymoon stage is over.
[00:00:37] Speaker A: In this Sensational Sex Podcast bonus episode, you'll find out what is a repair attempt and why couples who do repair attempts are significantly more likely to stay happily married.
[00:00:52] Speaker B: You'll also find out how you can implement a repair attempt into your relationship before the holiday season and why the.
[00:01:00] Speaker A: Most important predictor of a happy marriage is that a couple enjoys an endearing deep friendship, which makes repair attempts easier to do.
[00:01:11] Speaker B: Make sure to listen because this podcast will give you the tools to create a sex life that is fulfilling for you.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: We are thrilled to partner with Xsens who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be.
[00:01:26] Speaker B: Xsens has an amazing and luxurious, cooling, arousing gel that is perfect for those motivate me moments that we'll tell you about halfway through this podcast.
[00:01:37] Speaker A: We love what extends is doing for your sensual and sexual experience.
[00:01:43] Speaker B: Just check them out at exsends-usa.com that's ex s e n s-usa.com welcome to.
[00:01:53] Speaker A: The Sensational Sex Podcast where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and Dr. Trina Reid have the answers and all you have to do is join us each week and take a small step. Soon enough you'll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media at Sensational Sex Podcast Share this episode, Return next week, leave a review and thank you so much for subscribing. Now let's start the show.
[00:02:37] Speaker B: Hello beautiful people. I'm Amy Rowan. Thank you for listening to the Sensational Sex Podcast. We're so happy you're joining us.
[00:02:46] Speaker A: I'm Dr. Trina Reed and even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you and we're here to help you with that. It's that time, Amy.
[00:02:58] Speaker B: Once a month we do a We don't have an answer, but we'll do.
[00:03:02] Speaker A: Our best Sex Question in this podcast, we're talking about whether repair attempts can help a couple to stop fighting over the stressful holiday season. And here's a little hint. Researchers could predict with 90% accuracy the divorce rate when couples failed to make or respond to repair attempts.
[00:03:26] Speaker B: December is the time that many people celebrate their special holiday. Whether it's Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Eid al Adha over the holiday season. Whatever holiday you celebrate, there's generally a lot of stress.
[00:03:44] Speaker A: With all the great things the holidays bring, it can also mean a lot of extra work, especially for the women who do the invisible chores and to do's to get everything ready. And this unappreciated and unnoticed effort that she puts into into making the holiday special can cause her a lot of stress that then turns into snapping, bickering and fighting. And by the way, I resemble this remark.
[00:04:13] Speaker B: Me too. I I canceled Christmas one year. I came home from a cookie decorating party and I canceled Christmas.
My kids were very little. It was very loud.
Oh goodness. Do you remember the movie Shrek? When Donkey says my mama used to always Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries.
[00:04:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:38] Speaker B: Holidays are the great couple equalizer. Fighting doesn't care what your religion or your beliefs are.
[00:04:45] Speaker A: That's right. But why does this matter? It's because there's nothing that can flatline a libido faster than crushing stress and anxiety.
In fact, one study found chronic stress is associated with decreased sexual desire and satisfaction in women. And I think we all know this. Like, I don't think that's something didn't figure out already.
[00:05:12] Speaker B: Another study showed that women with high stress and higher cortisol were associated with lower levels of genital arousal, even when there was no change to psychological arousal, meaning her mind was becoming aroused while her genitals were not.
[00:05:29] Speaker A: However, the reality is the holidays are here. So we want to help you navigate so you, your body and your relationship can see sex during the holiday season as a stress relief instead of something that produces even more stress. So Amy, what is a repair attempt?
[00:05:54] Speaker B: In Dr. John Gottman's book the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman describes a repair attempt as any statement or action, silly or otherwise, that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.
[00:06:10] Speaker A: In relationships, repair is less about fixing what is broken and more about getting back back on track. So happy couples repair early and often, and they have many strategies for repairing both verbal and nonverbal.
[00:06:28] Speaker B: Repair attempts are simple, straightforward, and within minutes can save couples so Much time, effort, and heartache. But in order for them to work, both partners need to let down their egos, think about the other partner's perspective, and make a concession.
[00:06:48] Speaker A: Yeah. So I think repair attempts are one of those things that people think is a nice to do for a relationship. Like, it's nice to do. It's good to have, but, you know, is it really important to do it in our relationship?
[00:07:02] Speaker B: You know, early on in my marriage, one of the bigger issues that we had is whenever there was a little something, I would brush it under the rug, and things would just kind of stack up, stack up, stack up. And then something else that had nothing to do with anything would set me off, and then it would all come out as this gigantic explosion at James about every single thing that had been pissing me off for, like, the past three months.
[00:07:33] Speaker A: So anything trip you, or. So you were tripping over the big bump in the rug where you'd swept everything you like, you tripped over it, and you're like, boom.
[00:07:43] Speaker B: Yeah, that's a great analogy. And that's exactly what happened. And he would be.
Well, first of all, it would take him aback completely, because usually whatever it was that I was losing my mind over was pretty minor, but it was really all of the other stuff. And so what I think that this repair attempt concept is talking to is. And what I have learned to do since then is if there's a little something, I address it now, and we address it immediately.
[00:08:12] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:08:13] Speaker B: And when it's small and it's easy to address versus letting it grow into this gigantic thing.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: Yeah. So take it from us from, I've been married 22 years. Amy's been married for 20 years. Like, take it from us. Do it as quickly as you possibly can to de escalate. It just saves you so much stress and anxiety, honestly. But, you know, Amy found this really great Instagram post from the handle withlovewick.
[00:08:43] Speaker B: And we'll post that in the show notes for you. The Facebook video starts by showing a woman wearing a pointy purple birthday hat. And the caption reads, we have to wear party hats if our arguments get too heated. And then the camera pans to show her partner wearing a party hat, too, while she says, the hats make it really hard to stay mad.
[00:09:08] Speaker A: The WithLovewick narrator then jumps on to the video to give her feedback, and she says, okay, this is brilliant. And if you don't have something like this with your partner, here's why you should. When one of them goes to grab the party hats, when Things start to feel tense. This is what Gottman calls a repair attempt.
[00:09:28] Speaker B: The narrator goes on to say, there's some very interesting research on repair attempts. A repair attempt is essentially any effort made to de escalate conflict or tension before it gets really bad. It could be a touch on the leg, offering a hug, or humor like grabbing party hats.
[00:09:50] Speaker A: And the narrator goes on to say, here's the interesting thing. Couples who do repair attempts are significantly more likely among couples who stay happily married than those who don't.
[00:10:02] Speaker B: So the question becomes, even though this is a good idea, would you and your partner wear a party hat to make the all important small repair?
[00:10:12] Speaker A: So I believe in the power of repair attempts and understand how it helps a relationship. However, after being married for 22 years, I can say definitively that's a hard no. There's no way I would ever put a party hat on.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: You know, for me, for us, after 20 years of marriage, I think that we have already found some good strategies that work for us when we are disagreeing about something. But I do think that this could be a good strategy to try for a younger couple or a newer couple that hasn't been together as long. And they haven't necessarily worked out particular strategies to de escalate a situation. Because when things are ramping up, when you realize that you're getting into a fight, you just feel the stress rising, like physically rising. And I can imagine if you're starting to feel that and then your partner just goes to the closet and pulls out a party hat, like that immediately is going to take this down to here, right? It's just going to reduce the stress level, I think, and make you laugh a little bit. And it's acknowledging, okay, we're getting into a situation, but we're also going to consciously work through this versus just allowing your emotions to ratchet up.
[00:11:31] Speaker A: So what I agree with is it's a symbol. It's a symbol of, oh, we're here, and we need like, whatever that symbol is for them. It's a party hat. And you know, but it could be something different for you. But like, you see this thing and you realize, oh, we've got to de escalate. So the With Love Wick narrator goes on to say, it's not just about making repair attempts. It's about making ones that are well received by your partner, which might take a little bit of trial and error to figure out in her relationship. Her partner says koala, because koalas are cute and cuddly, but then get vicious when Things get crazy, and she can't help but smile when he does that.
[00:12:17] Speaker B: Okay, so the party hats are not going to work for you, Trina. But what the narrator is saying is that you need to figure out what does. And so the bigger question for you and everyone listening is to figure out how to create something that works within your relationship.
[00:12:36] Speaker A: And I think this is the crux of the problem. So in the face of an awkward potential fight, a couple needs to be creative and have a proactive discussion about catching themselves before a fight erupts. And even though you and I know how valuable repair attempts are, doing this upfront work is a very low priority for most couples.
[00:13:01] Speaker B: I think, for me, what makes sense, the best time to do this work would be after an argument or disagreement has been resolved. It's almost like a debrief. So one strategy would be to talk about how that was repaired. So, yes, we were getting into this argument. I appreciated how you went and got the party hats, or I appreciated how you took a deep breath, left the room, and came back with a glass of water for both of us, whatever it is. But acknowledging the repair attempts that were made on both sides as a debrief, I think that when you acknowledge those and recognize what each partner felt like the other partner did, well, that will help move past it and allow that to happen the next time that a situation comes up. And the other thing is, I think if it's not too raw, there might be an opportunity for some constructive feedback too. So I appreciated that you brought me back a glass of water, but what actually made things a little bit worse for me was when you did xyz, if it's not too raw. But if it's too raw, you might want to stay away from that.
[00:14:14] Speaker A: Yeah. And that's the things that you figure out.
[00:14:17] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: As your relationship progresses.
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[00:15:01] Speaker B: Hi, I'm Amy Rowan, the suburban sexologist from the Sensational Sex podcast.
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[00:15:28] Speaker A: Well, Amy, I've been married for 22 years. So what do you think?
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[00:18:16] Speaker B: We're Back with repair attempts.
This is the part of the podcast where we put on our sexologist hats. And what we're trying to figure out is how to implement repair into our relationships before. To make your holiday season enjoyable and filled with happy memories.
[00:18:35] Speaker A: And happy sex, too.
[00:18:37] Speaker B: And happy sex.
[00:18:38] Speaker A: That's why we're here.
[00:18:39] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:18:39] Speaker A: So there's a lot of good couple ideas to help make a relationship more smooth, like couple repairs. But most couples need to see that their relationship is worth the time and effort to have a conversation so they can make the small repairs as they happen. And for me, that's the disconnect. Couples being proactive instead of reactive.
[00:19:05] Speaker B: When you've had an especially long, stressful, tiring day, the kind of day where nothing goes right and you're ready to tear each other's heads off, the last thing that you want to do is make a repair attempt.
[00:19:19] Speaker A: And this is the reason why it's so important to have a plan in place. A repair attempt takes seconds, but can save your relationship so much unnecessary stress, angst, and anger.
[00:19:35] Speaker B: The holidays are one of those tough times when it can feel very hard to rally. And so I think it's helpful to hear how you and I do repair attempts.
[00:19:44] Speaker A: When we were putting this podcast together, I had to think really hard about what was our repair attempt. So after 22 years, we have figured out how to navigate our arguments. But we both agree that there's a lot of room for improvement. And that's the thing. There's always room to make it better. It took me many years, maybe even 10 years to figure out that when we're in the middle of a fight or right after a fight, I touch my husband on the back. That's my repair attempt. And I also force myself to think of at least one thing I really like about him. And, you know, generally that that falls to. He's a really great father. I've said that so many times in my head. He is such a great father.
And so I just want to be clear that when I do these repair attempts, when I. When I touch him and when I think of positive things, we're still really angry, but that do de. Escalate this fight.
[00:20:45] Speaker B: Touch is. Is very important for us, too. James and I are very physically affectionate people. And when we are in an argument or feeling cross or misunderstood, we usually withhold physical affection from each other. We. We don't talk and we don't touch. And. And to me, I feel this emptiness, this enormous emptiness, and it eats me up inside. And so typically, the first repair attempt is when one of us will either try to hug the other one or get physically close again. When you're angry, it's so easy. Just, I'm just gonna be on my phone. I'm just gonna swipe angrily and just pretend like you're not there. And sometimes it's one person will sit down on the couch and let our legs touch. And that is when we know that one of us is reaching out. And. And that touch, it sounds like, is similar with you. It helps to dissipate the tension in the relationship.
[00:21:42] Speaker A: It's really interesting that we both go to this, like, little touch. It's not a big. It's just a little touch, but it completely shifts everything.
[00:21:52] Speaker B: It does. It does. I, James and I don't argue frequently, but the last argument that we had, I think we really didn't speak for like a couple of days.
[00:22:01] Speaker A: Oh, and it was a big one.
[00:22:03] Speaker B: I know. And, and, and that's fairly unusual for us. But I was digging in. I was like, I am not going to be the one that's going to repair this, because he had done something. And again, I don't remember what it was. And I remember I was standing in the kitchen and he came up behind me and he said, I'm going to do the right thing and I'm going to reach out to fix this. And he gave me this enormous hug. And like, like everything, all the tension just like, fell away. And of course I was trying to be like. But like, I, like that was it. Like, I was like, okay, cool, we're moving past this. And that just made such a difference. And. But I, I like what he said in that moment. He said, okay, I'm going to be the one to, to.
[00:22:49] Speaker A: To.
[00:22:49] Speaker B: And that's exactly what that was. I didn't know it was called a repair attempt, but that's what he was doing there.
[00:22:55] Speaker A: And I just want to. I don't want to be too pointed about this, but how long does the touch take? It takes one second. It takes one second to do this. So repair attempts don't have to be complicated or time consuming. They are actually very easy and take less than a minute.
And this saves your relationship so much heartache.
[00:23:20] Speaker B: Yes. I think my, my typical repair attempt, I, I hate, like, when we're in a fight and we're sleeping in the same bed and you just feel like you're on the other side of the world. I know. And it's awful. And so sometimes what I'll do. And again, talking about how simple this is. I'll just reach my foot over and, like, touch the back of his leg. And that's just me being like, okay, if you want to talk, I'm open to, you know, and usually it's late at night and we don't want to talk yet, but then he'll come over and he hug me, and then I know that we'll talk in the mornings. But it is. It's just that tiny little thing that just. And I think. And that's what the party hats do too, right? It's just that come out, and it just dissipates the tension. And you're like, okay, now we can have this conversation that we clearly need to have.
[00:24:08] Speaker A: Yeah, I'm not convinced on the party hats. I don't convince me on. I don't want the party hats. But I do want to bring this back to sex. So I have always said a couple can gauge what's going on inside the bedroom by what's going on outside the bedroom. So we're here at the holidays. We're all stretched thin and we're stressed, and it's compromising our sex. So any and all repair attempts are going to help you ease into the bedroom a lot easier. But you have to discuss this before the holiday season starts.
[00:24:46] Speaker B: There are many people that experience big emotions around the holidays, especially grief or anger or if there's something from the past that tends to come up. And it's good to be aware of this pattern. First of all, acknowledge it out loud to your partner, and then ask for what you need.
[00:25:07] Speaker A: So when I was doing the research for this podcast, I read one article that said, masters of relationships repair early and often, and they have lots of strategies for how to repair. And even though my husband and I have figured out our repair attempt, these kind of articles make me feel inadequate, that we're not doing enough. And I wonder if that's how some couples feel, that they're inadequate and they don't want to even try because they are going to fail before they even start.
[00:25:39] Speaker B: I think many people have a fear of failure, and that does prevent them from ever trying. I know I felt like that was sports, but I'm not sure.
I'm not sure that I could say that. We have many strategies, but I do think that we're good at recognizing when the other one is stressed or overwhelmed, and we try to step in and fill in the gaps where we can. And I suppose that could be considered a repair attempt of sorts.
[00:26:05] Speaker A: I don't think repair attempts are complicated, but they do take some thought.
[00:26:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:11] Speaker A: So even though we don't have the answers about how you can make repair attempts, we can leave you with some tools to help you start having that conversation with your partner.
[00:26:23] Speaker B: There is an important distinction between the two kinds of marital conflict. Arguments that can be resolved and arguments that are perpetual. And couples need to fine tune both of their expectations and their coping strategies.
[00:26:40] Speaker A: So Dr. Gottman believes the most important predictor of a happy marriage is that a couple enjoys an endearing, deep friendship. So for most couples, this lasting friendship does not come effortlessly. It is something that they have to work on and be purposeful about.
[00:26:58] Speaker B: To cultivate a deep friendship with your partner, you need to nurture your fondness and admiration and turn towards each other instead of away. Friendship doesn't prevent couples from arguing, but it does help to prevent quarrels from getting out of hand and bringing this back to you.
[00:27:17] Speaker A: Dear listener, you need to choose whether you and your relationship are worth the effort to be aware of when a fight is erupting. And instead of moving into the ways you used to deal with the fight, you need to choose a repair attempt that works for your relationship.
[00:27:35] Speaker B: So whether that's a party hat or a touch on the back or a bear hug, I think the important thing here is intention. If your intention is to stay mad, then that is what's going to happen. But if your intention is to repair your relationship, then that is what is going to happen.
[00:27:54] Speaker A: As we've been talking about, we believe in the power of repair attempts. And as we go through the holiday season and we start feeling stressed out and we make those repair attempts really quickly, I think that when it comes to bedroom time, you're going to be a lot more open to having sex because it's going to make you feel good. At least I hope that's what's going to happen with you.
[00:28:20] Speaker B: And I've said this before, and I'll say it again, sex is one of the best stress relievers out there. And so if you are incredibly stressed about the holidays and having to cook the meals and go to the places and fly and all of the things that happen around the holidays, in my opinion, that is a beautiful time to turn towards your partner and meet each other in the bedroom for some really excellent, top of the line stress relief.
So let's wrap up with some ideas that listeners can use going into the holiday season.
[00:29:02] Speaker A: So it's okay to fight. Couple fights are a healthy part of a relationship. Dr. Gottman said even happily married couples can have screaming matches, loud arguments, don't necessarily harm a marriage.
[00:29:17] Speaker B: Repair attempts are an excellent idea to figure out before the holiday season is upon you.
[00:29:24] Speaker A: The problem becomes that repair attempts aren't a priority for busy couples. Ironically, repair attempts should be at the top of your priority list.
[00:29:36] Speaker B: The ability to connect inside the bedroom is directly affected by how you're connecting outside of the bedroom.
[00:29:44] Speaker A: When your relationship is functioning at a high level because you have repair attempts in place, it simplifies all the areas in your life, including sex.
[00:29:57] Speaker B: So frame your relationship as a friendship where you nurture and turn towards each other.
[00:30:03] Speaker A: Well, we have to end on that, so that's it for us.
[00:30:07] Speaker B: Until next time. Stay Sexy Are you struggling with lack of desire, mismatched sex drives, pain or peri or post menopausal shifts that affect your sex life? Are you craving more pleasure and passion in the bedroom, but you don't know where to start? At Suburban Intimacy, I offer a holistic blend of one to one coaching, educational workshops, online events, and curated by a sexologist. Intimacy Products Book a complimentary discovery
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[00:30:58] Speaker A: Good sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Go to trina reid.com and check out my award winning books the Sex Course and Sex Boot Camp. While you're there, grab your free copy of Sex Boot Camp Masterclass and sign up for my six newsletter to get weekly freebies and easy ways to help you become the juiciest, sexiest version of.
