#6 How to "Choose You" During Sex!

[00:00:00] Speaker A: If you want to experience toe curling sex, it means you have to choose you. [00:00:07] Speaker B: Even though women are expected to come first, her sexual needs, desires, and wants still come a distant second. [00:00:17] Speaker A: In this episode of the Sensational Sex podcast, you'll find out why choosing you and putting your sexual needs first is the most unselfish thing you can do for your sex life. [00:00:32] Speaker B: We'll share why choosing you helps with your overall sexual happiness, self confidence, and self esteem. [00:00:39] Speaker A: We'll then give five practical ideas for you to start choosing you and putting your sexual needs first that you can use today. Welcome to the Sensational Sex podcast, where we help women in long term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over. Are you a woman who wants a deep, intimate, and satisfying connection with her partner? Of course you do. Amy Rowan and doctor Trina Reed have the answers, and all you have to do is join us each week. Soon youll be that woman who effortlessly has a satisfying sex life. Follow us on social media at sensationalsexpodcast. Share this episode, leave a review, and thank you for subscribing. Now let's start the show. We are thrilled to partner with xns who are all about making your sensual experience the best it can be. [00:01:43] Speaker B: Why not try an aromatherapy massage at home? We'll tell you about XN's amazing selection of luxurious crystal massage oils halfway through our podcast. [00:01:54] Speaker A: We love what Xenz is doing for your sensual and sexual experience. [00:02:01] Speaker B: Check them out at xenz dash usa.com dot. That's e x s e n s dash usa.com dot. Hello, beautiful people. Thank you for listening to the sensational sex podcast. We are so happy that you're joining us. [00:02:17] Speaker A: Even though your sex life will never be perfect, you can create a sex life that is perfect for you, and we're here to help you with that. [00:02:25] Speaker B: I've got a joke for you, Trina. Are you ready? [00:02:26] Speaker A: Oh, I know your jokes, Amy. Okay, bring it on. [00:02:30] Speaker B: I know they're so bad, but this one really cracked me up. Okay, what is 6.9? [00:02:36] Speaker A: I don't know, Amy. What is 6.9? [00:02:39] Speaker B: A good thing ruined by a period? Womp, womp. [00:02:44] Speaker A: Well, we need a good laugh, because this week's podcast, we're talking about women choosing herself and putting her sexual needs first. [00:02:55] Speaker B: Isn't that the point of she comes first? [00:02:58] Speaker A: Even though women are supposed to come first, the reality is her sexual needs are always a distant second. And it's a big reason why women become resentful and eventually apathetic about sex. [00:03:11] Speaker B: This sounds like it's going to be a really big topic. We have got to fit a lot into our time together. [00:03:17] Speaker A: There is a lot to cover. And you and I can do this. [00:03:19] Speaker B: Yes, we can. [00:03:20] Speaker A: And at the end of the podcast, we're going to get into five practical ideas on how you can choose you. [00:03:28] Speaker B: So we've got to start with the reality check. Here it is. Are you ready? [00:03:33] Speaker A: I don't know. Bring it over. [00:03:35] Speaker B: This is a big one. [00:03:36] Speaker A: Okay. [00:03:37] Speaker B: You are in charge of your sexual satisfaction. And although you have sex with a person, this journey is about you and you alone. [00:03:50] Speaker A: Too many women want someone to swoop in and save them. But it's not up to your partner to fulfill you sexually. Rather, it's up to you to understand what you want and then ask for it. And if the thought of asking for what you want sends a chill of terror down your spine, just know that it's normal. Most women cannot do this. [00:04:14] Speaker B: It takes a lot of courage to change your beliefs and to make new choices and to have enough motivation to move yourself into the kind of sex that you want to have for the rest of your life. The only way through this is to choose you. As I was reading through this episode and thinking about choosing you, I was thinking about a time when I depended on my partner for my sexual satisfaction. I just kind of went along with things because I didn't know how to change things. I didn't know that I could change things. The concept of someone swooping in and saving us, you know, all of the movies we watched as kids and princess movies, which thankfully, they're changing that narrative with Disney these days, which I love. This expectation that it's up to the partner to make all of these things happen is really something that we need to look at intellectually. [00:05:13] Speaker A: We know that women are no longer helpless, and we don't need a prince or princess charming to save us. But we know the theory, and we agree with the theory and taking charge of our sexuality. But the actual execution is, it seems, daunting and difficult. [00:05:29] Speaker B: The challenge here arises in looking at and being aware of the beliefs that are feeding the narrative that is then being expressed in the bedroom. And you have to identify those beliefs first. And a lot of that goes back into looking through your sexual history, which we're going to be touching on next episode. Once you start to identify the beliefs and how ingrained they've become, then you can consciously choose to either keep those beliefs or change those beliefs. [00:06:02] Speaker A: If you drive a car and you've been driving for a while and you get in your car, and you turn it on and you start driving, and suddenly you're at the other place, and you think, how did I get here? Or on autopilot? And choosing you is not being able to choose yourself is so ingrained in us that really goes against what we feel we can do. [00:06:26] Speaker B: One of the biggest things that I hear when women come to me is I don't feel confident in bed, I don't feel confident in what I'm doing, I don't feel confident in myself. And that therefore, is shaking my confidence in the relationship, and I don't know what to do about it. That's where choosing you comes in. Sexual confidence comes from choosing you. When you choose you, everyone wins, and it leads to your overall sexual happiness, confidence, and self esteem. [00:06:58] Speaker A: When you choose you, you believe that you deserve pleasure. Let's think about that for a moment. You believe that you are deserving of this pleasure, which is probably very different than what you believe right now. [00:07:13] Speaker B: And when you are able to believe that you are deserving of pleasure, then you allow yourself to experience pleasure and joy. [00:07:22] Speaker A: You understand and communicate your needs and wants with your partner. And we've touched on every single podcast the importance of communication. How do you get that confidence to communicate with your partner choosing you. [00:07:39] Speaker B: And once you're able to communicate those things with your partner, then it becomes easier to listen to and respect your partner's desires because they may be different from yours, and that's okay. But when you can open up and have those conversations, then it makes it so much easier to be able to start to have that compromise. [00:08:00] Speaker A: Most importantly, when you choose yourself, you're able to set and accept boundaries without holding them against your partner or feeling rejected. This is something about sexuality that doesn't get talked about often enough is being able to set boundaries on what you want and what you don't want. And it's very important for women to learn that skill. [00:08:23] Speaker B: All of this comes from choosing you. [00:08:26] Speaker A: A good test to understand just how deeply embedded these beliefs you have about putting yourself first is listen to your body. When you start doing things for yourself, your body is probably going to react. And know that when I'm feeling bad, immediately I feel this in my chest, or I feel it in my throat, or I feel it in my stomach. Now I'm aware of it, and it's really helpful to understand that, oh, I'm pushing against some of these beliefs. [00:08:58] Speaker B: There's a time that I did an exercise to help sort of identify yes spaces in your body. And the no spaces in your body, because you do you physically feel that? How that can come up in sex and intimacy is if you're. You're doing something, you're experiencing something, you're trying to do something with your partner, and you're getting the no feeling. That's the discomfort. Knowing how it feels in your body is telling you, really what your inner core is saying about it. [00:09:24] Speaker A: Women say, what's my first indication as best you can tune into your body? Women stop paying attention to their body and don't tune into what it's saying, not just for sex, but for, for life in general. And when you do start paying attention and tuning in and listening, your body has a lot of things to say to you. And if you start to pay attention, it will give you some good ideas, some good boundaries about what you should be doing or not be doing. [00:09:50] Speaker B: I can actually give a very clear example of this that may be hard for some people who are listening to. To hear people who experience painful intercourse vaginismus a lot of times, and I've had a few clients like this, where intercourse has always been painful for them and the reasons have been different, but they have continued to push past the pain and have intercourse with their partner because they want to, they feel they're supposed to. But as their body is internalizing pain every single time, then it's not surprising that ultimately they fear it, they don't want it. And the most severe form of vaginismus is nothing can penetrate because the body has put up a productive barrier that says no. Even though mentally that woman is saying, I want to do this. Why can't I do this with my partner? Her body's like, absolutely not common. [00:10:51] Speaker A: We just don't talk about it. I've heard this story over and over again, too, where women have a dry vaginal canal, intercourse is uncomfortable. They try suppositories, they try lube, and nothing is working. They keep having sex. And to bring it back to this discussion, they're not choosing them. They're choosing their partner. This is part of being in a partnership. But in that situation, how do you choose you? We're gonna shift gears because we're getting in the weeds now. And this week, instead of doing a sex iq, we're going to do something a little different. Since so many women feel it's selfish to choose you, we're going to unpack the word selfish. [00:11:31] Speaker B: And now a word from our sponsor. [00:11:34] Speaker A: Everyone loves a good massage, and an aromatherapy massage combines gentle massage and inhaling aromatic essential oils that create a soothing and calming effect on your body and your mind. So sometimes massage can be about relaxing, and sometimes it can be about being sensual. 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Don't be selfish is ingrained in us from the earliest age. You need to share. You need to give this to somebody else. Don't be selfish. You can't keep something for yourself. And it's a big life lesson that many parents pass on to their kids, and for good reason. There's. There's a place for this, but there's this huge stigma that comes from being labeled as selfish. And whether it's justified or not, being thought of as selfish by others, it can be disastrous to your social standing. [00:14:41] Speaker A: If you look in the dictionary, you will find the definition of selfish is being overly concerned about oneself without consideration for others. Are you ready for this? Listen, it's a grocery list, Amy, okay? You're being greedy. You're being self interested. You're being self absorbed. You're being self centered. You're self infatuated. You're egotistical. Are these any of the things that you want to be? Amy? I don't want to be any of these things. [00:15:09] Speaker B: I pride myself on not being a lot of these things. If we're looking back at ingrained beliefs and the messages that we've gotten, you know, there are so many different children's books that emphasize selfishness as a negative trait. In the Aesop's fable with the the ants and the grasshopper, I think those lessons within those stories often include encouraging children to develop compassion and gratitude and sharing skills. [00:15:35] Speaker A: If we want to dig in a little deeper in our prehistoric past, being selfish was to put the safety and cohesion of the tribe in jeopardy. It was a crime so grave, you were lucky if you were quickly murdered by your mates. The worst fate was banishment from the tribe, which would end two ways, starvation or you'd be eaten by a saber toothed tiger. [00:15:59] Speaker B: This sounds like a survival instinct to me that has been developed. And that taboo around selfishness, it's still indoors. It's still here. That's why you are not considered a good parent if your child refuses to share their toys and candy with others on the playground. I'm so sorry. I promise I talked to my child about this. I don't know why my little toothbrush year old can't seem to figure out how to share the toy that they all really want. [00:16:26] Speaker A: I'm a good mother. Really? [00:16:28] Speaker B: Yeah, I swear. I promise. [00:16:30] Speaker A: But here's the rub. Not being selfish is the way we suppress our spontaneity and keep ourselves from pursuing our wishes, especially when we're children. By the time we're adults, it's the suppression of our uniqueness that makes us acceptable to others. Being unselfish is the price we pay for being accepted by a group. [00:16:55] Speaker B: I'm all about reframing, changing the way, new words, using new language. And instead of saying selfish or selfishness, we can talk about self fullness. Because it doesn't mean being rude or aggressive. It simply means respecting yourself first. So, self full ness, what do you think? [00:17:15] Speaker A: That's good. I like that one. Add to that, here's the kicker. Women are taught that being selfish is bad. Men are taught that being selfish is good. From our very formative years, these are the messages that men and women have. [00:17:32] Speaker B: Been given the woman in the corporate boardroom who's very assertive and who asks for what she wants, she gets typically. [00:17:39] Speaker A: Called what a diva and a bitch. [00:17:44] Speaker B: Yeah, all of those things. Whereas a man who is assertive and asks for what he wants in the boardroom is going to be called successful. I think that that can be flipped around into the bedroom as well. [00:17:54] Speaker A: You're right. It's probably in our DNA about the selfish gene that we can't let our tribe down because otherwise we'll be eaten by saber toothed tigers. [00:18:05] Speaker B: Nobody wants saber toothed tigers. But guess what? There are no saber toothed tigers anymore. So even though we've got this very strong survival instinct, you have to realize we're not being chased by the lion anymore. So back to choosing you. [00:18:19] Speaker A: So you. [00:18:19] Speaker B: As I was reflecting through this episode, it reminded me of this part of my sexology training that I had at sex coach you. And so I immediately went back through because it seems so applicable to what we're talking about right now. It's a coaching book and it talks about becoming incredibly selfish. Without you, there is nothing and attraction isn't possible. And this particular quote really stood out for me. And it says, selfishness as defined for our purposes, ultimately allows you to be a more generous and supportive of others than you have ever been before. And this is also where I got the language switch of selfishness to self fullness. Link to it in the show notes. You know, when you are choosing you, when you are becoming incredibly self full instead of selfish, you're able to put yourself first. You attract others who already know how to be selfdeveloped full and you may find that you need less from others. You're embracing that notion that if it's good for me, it's probably going to benefit others as well. And I think that is a huge mindset shift for how we think about self fullness. [00:19:38] Speaker A: I cringe saying this example, and I'm sorry to everybody that I'm saying this example when you're flying and they say if you're a mom or you're with somebody before you help somebody else, you've got to put your mask on. Only way that you can help other people. [00:19:53] Speaker B: You think when you are choosing yourself and you are making sure that your pleasure is paramount and part of that experience, then that's going to help you want to have more sex, right? [00:20:10] Speaker A: Don't you think that's the paradox when you start choosing you, your partner gets an engaged person and they're happier and you're happier. Everybody's happier when, when you make this choice. It's confounding to me because I think our partners want us to make this choice. [00:20:30] Speaker B: This is the part of the podcast where we are going to put on our sexologist hats and we are going to give you concrete and practical tools to help your sexual situation. [00:20:41] Speaker A: Okay? So let's start at the starting. When you make the choice to choose you and put you first and make sex all about you. It's really scary, scary thing. People who are listening. What I'd like you to do is to stop this podcast. And I want you to go to a mirror and I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and I and say something like, I choose me, or whatever you want to say, but just say something to the effect of I choose me and I want you to see what comes up for you. [00:21:13] Speaker B: That's powerful and scary. And what is going to come up here. There's two different reactions. One is going to come from your mind and the other is going to come from your body. And you need to pay attention to what these are, because if you really want this to work, you need to be intentional. Note what they are, and even better, write it down in a journal. [00:21:40] Speaker A: If you want to do this quickly, the quickest way to get here is to journal. So journaling is your vehicle to making the change. Choosing you equates to appreciating and valuing your worth. And only when you feel worthy can you step up and be an equal partner in your sexual experience. And being an equal partner means your significant other gets an engaged and interested sex partner. [00:22:08] Speaker B: So choosing you is also going to help you create a more profound, healthier and more robust partnership. You are going to get the satisfaction of watching your couple's dynamic blossom. And that's pretty hot. [00:22:23] Speaker A: Yeah. [00:22:23] Speaker B: And this is already inside you. This, you have this inside you right now. It's waiting to come out. This just comes from choosing you. [00:22:32] Speaker A: She's in there and she wants to come out. This sounds amazing. And the big question still remains, where does someone start? We have some practical steps for helping you to choose you. My first step, and I cannot emphasize this enough, is start small and go slow. In our instant gratification society, we want to jump to the finish line. Just don't. There's going to be so many hurdles and obstacles and a lot of things that are going to get in your way. If you go into the bedroom and try and change things like that, it just is going to be bad. So by starting small and going slow, you'll be able to manage the inevitable triggers and sabotaging self talk. [00:23:20] Speaker B: There is a quote that I really try to live by and it's hard and it goes into that instant gratification society and it is focus on the process, detach from the outcome. People want the end result, but they're so focused on the end result that they don't want to take the small steps to get there. And you have to take those small steps and you can't take all of them at once either. You have to choose one small thing to change. One small thing to start with. [00:23:53] Speaker A: If I can just add to that, when you take a small step, celebrate that you've done it and you might feel really stupid that you're celebrating that you made this tiny teeny weeny step, but honestly, you are changing your sexual dynamic. So if you take a teeny weeny weeny weeny step, you did it and you need to celebrate that. [00:24:15] Speaker B: Yes, celebrate all of the little things along the way and then you get to have the big celebration at the end. Getting into the small steps, the first thing is just making sure you're covering the basics. Getting enough sleep, eating delicious and nutritious food, exercise, spending time with friends, pursuing your interests. The more attractive and confident we feel on the outside of the bedroom. That is also going to translate to inside the bedroom as well. If we aren't feeling good about ourselves outside of the bedroom, it's going to be really, really hard to feel good and confident inside. [00:24:52] Speaker A: Self care is very attractive. You know, you can, you can always tell a person who's taking good care of themselves, and it's a very attractive feature. Speaking of self care, make sure to spend at least 15 minutes each day doing exactly what you want to do. And it could be anything. It could be dancing to your favorite song, reading a chapter of your favorite book, sitting in the sun. Your choices are endless. The one rule is it has to be what you want to do. And this is going to help you get used to putting your needs first. [00:25:25] Speaker B: Very good reminder. I need to hear this today. I appreciate that one. Thank you. We all need these reminders though, right? So this is one thing I do with almost all of my clients so early on, is practice affirmations. These positive mental repetitions can reprogram our thinking patterns so that over time you begin to think and act differently. Subconscious mind cannot distinguish the difference between reality and things that we're telling ourselves. There's tons of studies that have come out to show this. And when you use affirmations, these have been used to successfully treat people with low self esteem, depression, and other mental health conditions. As an example of an affirmation of use with past clients. I had one client, she's like, amy, I'm such a prude. Such a prude. I don't know what to do. And I said, okay, we're going to work on that. We got to stop telling ourselves that we're a prude because we will continue to act like a prude if we believe that we're a prude. Her affirmation was, I'm a vibrant, sexually alive woman, and I think we all. [00:26:33] Speaker A: Should be vibrant, sexually alive women. [00:26:35] Speaker B: Yes. And you know, what was interesting and how we knew it was the right affirmation for her was it was very uncomfortable for her in the beginning. And we practice. It said, does it feel right? She said, it does, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. And I said, so we are in the right place. [00:26:53] Speaker A: Good. [00:26:53] Speaker B: So choose affirmations that will push you. [00:26:55] Speaker A: Good suggestion. Just to add to that, intentionally choose to do something today and every day that will help your future self feel more comfortable and less selfish. In your prude example, she was choosing to say this affirmation every day, knowing that it would help her future self. When you intentionally choose something to do for your future self, that choice that you're making today is going to help your future self ask for new and different things during sex. [00:27:36] Speaker B: And setting these goals will help with these new behaviors, and that helps to guide your focus, and that is going to help you sustain that momentum in life in the bedroom, whatever it is that you are looking to change and transform. [00:27:54] Speaker A: That's a good point, Amy. We don't think about things five years from now. So how do we keep this momentum going so that sex isn't getting worse? It isn't plateauing. Sex five years from now is going to be better. That's what we're working towards. When you're looking at sex 510, 15 years down the road, having this goal is going to help keep you motivated so that you know, you can be with a person for 20 years and it be the best sex of your life. [00:28:26] Speaker B: I have had so many clients come to me and they feel like roommates. Now the kids are out of the house now we should be having the best sex of our lives. I don't know why we aren't. I want that. I want to be having the best sex of our lives. What do we do? Again, it's these small steps, intentional along the way, that will get you into that best sex of your lives phase that you're seeking. [00:28:53] Speaker A: This is not a race. This is a marathon. Just to make sure everybody got these ideas about how to choose you. The first one is to start small and go slow and celebrate each small step that you've taken because it is a huge achievement. [00:29:15] Speaker B: And then it's really important to cover the basics, just generally taking good care of yourself. The better we feel about ourselves, the better that we are feeling on the outside is going to reflect our sexual confidence in the bedroom. [00:29:31] Speaker A: Make sure to spend 15 minutes every day doing something you want to do. Just you. It makes you happy. Nobody else. [00:29:40] Speaker B: And practice affirmations. Identify those negative things that you are saying in your head, and maybe these are messages that you heard growing up, or these are different things that you've internalized and turn those around. Reframe that and practice those affirmations every day. Say it out loud. Write it. I like, you know, writing it on post it notes and putting it in places where you'll see it all the time. And when you see it again, say it out loud. Because then your brain is hearing it and reading it, and it's really starting to change the way that you are thinking about yourself. [00:30:16] Speaker A: And along that line every day. Intentionally choose something that will help your future self sexually. [00:30:24] Speaker B: Who is ready to choose you? [00:30:28] Speaker A: I am pygmy. I'm ready to choose me. I want to do it. [00:30:31] Speaker B: Yay. If you're listening to this episode, especially, maybe you were listening in the car when you get home, look in the mirror and say, I choose me, and see what you feel and what comes up for you. [00:30:44] Speaker A: It's a simple and yet powerful exercise to find out where your resistance is, what's happening, what your thoughts are. All these things will spring up for you. [00:30:54] Speaker B: I have one more thought that I wanted to share about selfishness. Experiencing an orgasm is inherently selfish. It's impossible to experience an orgasm if you are concerned about someone else in that moment. You have to be completely in your body, focusing on your pleasure, focusing on the things that you're experiencing. And so an orgasm is an inherently self full act. [00:31:23] Speaker A: We have to end on that. Amy, that's just like drop time. That's amazing. Thank you, everybody, for listening to this. [00:31:31] Speaker B: Podcast and join us on next week's podcast. We're going to be talking about how to build your sexual confidence. [00:31:39] Speaker A: Sexual self confidence is such a huge topic and necessary. [00:31:43] Speaker B: Please join us on next week's episode of the Sensational Sex podcast. Sexual confidence is one of the pillars to your overall sexual happiness. [00:31:54] Speaker A: Your sexual confidence is not about sex, it's about your authenticity. Your power comes from liking and accepting yourself. [00:32:06] Speaker B: In this episode of the sensational sex podcast, we give our best ideas for you to love your body exactly the way it is. [00:32:15] Speaker A: I give my theory on why women over 40 are more comfortable in her skin. This time of her life can be her sexual awakening. [00:32:23] Speaker B: Talk about what to do if you have imposter syndrome and you don't believe that you could be sexy or desirable. Are you ready to experience more passion and more pleasure? In my suburban intimacy practice, I offer one on one sex and intimacy coaching for women and couples. Book a complimentary discovery call at suburban intimacy.com or learn more about my intimacy ignite program. Your solution to experiencing satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences and connection even when you're busy, tired and stressed. Intimacy ignite is a curated collection of stimulating sex education activities and challenges, whether you are single or in a relationship. Plus, live coaching with me twice a month. Save $10 off your first month with. [00:33:11] Speaker A: The code podcast is more fulfilling sex on your mind, but not in your bedroom? Then go to trinaread.com to get free copy of the Sex Bootcamp Masterclass. While you're there, check out my award winning fiction book, the sex course, that went to number one in its Amazon category three days after launch. Both the sex course and sex bootcamp workbook are available in audiobook. If you want to hang with groovy, like minded, sex positive women, then join my online courses and the success community. It's your time to create the sex life of your dreams. It all [email protected]. [00:33:56] Speaker B: Did you love what you learned today? Share this episode with someone who needs it friends don't let friends have bad sex. Leave a review for this episode and follow like or subscribe on the listening app of your choice. We love hearing from our listeners. Email us at at [email protected]. you can follow us on all social media platforms at sensationalsxpodcast and join our mailing [email protected]. dot.